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He wants me to delete my facebook?


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I don't know what to think about this; We have been together for a year, and he made it clear when we got together that he did NOT like the fact that I had a facebook. He's NEVER had one, and never plans to. I am 25 (F) and he is 30 (M). I think the whole social media thing is silly also, however, years ago when facebook first came out, my volleyball teammates basically MADE one for me, and I eventually fell into it. I've had it ever since. I'm not very active on it, as far as making status updates or commenting on people's stuff... But I like to have it to keep in touch with old high school friends or volleyball teammates, etc and just to browse when I am bored!

 

Now, I feel me having a FB is harmless- I have given him my Password before, and I know all I have it for, really, is to keep in touch with old pals. I'm not doing anything shady on it at all, and he knows this. He is just a jealous guy...

 

Because his view, however, is that it bothers him that I am "friends" with hundreds of people (most of which he does not know- high school friends and such.. which is true, I haven't spoken to most of my "facebook friends" in years) and that I have "hundreds of pictures" on there to which "any of those guys can jerk off to" .....!!?? Ok... maybe because I am a girl I do not think of that? I understand his concern I guess.... Honestly, it would suck if the roles were reversed.. So......

 

I suggested, "what if I delete all the random high school friends/guys and leave the 50ish people I'd liked to keep in touch with? (a.k.a. volleyball girls and close high school girlfriends")

 

........And his reply was the same. He said they could e-mail me if they wanted to get together (true)...

 

I love this man and I'm just wondering if him asking me to delete facebook is extremely controlling, or am I being a rude b*tch in sort of ignoring his feelings, seeing as he has never even had a facebook? Insight needed, PLEASE AND THANKS! :)

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Get out of this relationship, and get out NOW.

He is controlling and sounds deeply troubled.

He will go on to dictate who you can and can't see, what clothes you can and can't wear, what you can and can't do with your mobile phone and whether you can see your family and when.

 

and if you wait for all the above to happen - and THEN dump him - he WILL stalk you.

run, as fast as you can, and don't look back.

 

you'll thank me, i promise you.

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Thank-you! But easier said than done... :o:love:

 

He has admitted to being jealous and insecure in past relationships at the beginning of ours....

 

However he has never been able to provide solid reasons for WHY he is insecure and jealous??? I mean, in all honestly this man could be a MODEL! He is 6'5" with a great build and veryyy handsome face. I just do NOT understand why he's so insecure??

 

This whole year we have been together I have done nothing but try to express to him how much I want to be with him, how much I love being next to him (the physical desire to be next to him is seriously unreal. Even after a year it has not faded ONE bit. Like nothing I have ever felt or encountered. I miss being next to him constantly!!!) But we have had our ups and downs, I have not been perfect either. I've hurt his feelings before, sure. But I've never, ever given a reason for him to not trust me. This facebook thing seems silly??? Is he seriously THAT controlling, or am I being insensitive???

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I agree with TaraMaiden. Big red flag waving here.

 

Another agreement here. First it will be Facebook, then it will be your friends, your clothes, your attitude....

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Today it is facebook.

Tomorrow it will be your friends, your hobbies, your thoughts and opinions, the way you dress, your family, on and on.

 

You cannot reassure him enough, and if you stay with him, years from now you will wonder how you got to this point. And he will still be controlling every single thing you do.

 

But hey, if you like it, I love it.

Good luck

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Hmmmm.... that's 4 against, and 1 For...

 

And that 'one' is you....

And you posted the thread in the first place..... :confused:

 

It's ok, it's quite frequent and normal that the OP posts a thread outlining a problem, and then when they receive several answers all in the same vein, begin to go on the back-foot defensive, and seek any possible reason to justify that defensiveness.

 

if as you say,

He has admitted to being jealous and insecure in past relationships at the beginning of ours....

 

That should immediately ring alarm bells....

 

Who ended those relationships?

And why?

 

and if...

 

... he has never been able to provide solid reasons for WHY he is insecure and jealous???

 

Then why hang around to find out?

 

(Trust me, just because he's admitted it, that doesn't mean he won't be the same with you... in fact, the FB thing confirms it.....)

 

You're not his therapist. Neither should you be.

He should get one.

why go out with a man who admits he has this kind of baggage?

Why work that hard?

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chelsea2011

If he really knew you, then he would understand why you have the fb in the first place...AND he would trust you. The fact that he doesn't get it is his own personal problem. It also means that he isn't capable of seeing the reality of the relationship outside of his own insecurities. I would question him on this. The fact that he doesn't trust you could mean that he is not trust worthy himself. I would be more worried about that than anything else. That's worth investigating.

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Thank you for all of your replies. I realize his insecurities are going to doom the relationship if he doesn't start to work on himself.

 

I guess what's weird to me, is that it's not necessarily that he does not trust me. He knows I rarely use it and I'm not doing anything wrong (like I said, I offered up my password to keep things open and ease his mind).

 

It's the fact that I have a few hundred friends and a few hundred pictures. I guess he is creeped out by the fact that so many people have that insight into my life. To which I can somewhat understand?

 

So, I offered up a compromise saying "alright, there really ARE quite a few people whom I have not seen in YEARS, or even spoken to in years. I will delete these people and keep the ones I feel I may want to keep in touch with in the future." But that still did not satisfy him, for whatever reason. He said they could just email me or call me if they wanted to get in touch with me...

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Thank you for all of your replies. I realize his insecurities are going to doom the relationship if he doesn't start to work on himself.

 

I guess what's weird to me, is that it's not necessarily that he does not trust me. He knows I rarely use it and I'm not doing anything wrong (like I said, I offered up my password to keep things open and ease his mind).

 

It's the fact that I have a few hundred friends and a few hundred pictures. I guess he is creeped out by the fact that so many people have that insight into my life. To which I can somewhat understand?

 

So, I offered up a compromise saying "alright, there really ARE quite a few people whom I have not seen in YEARS, or even spoken to in years. I will delete these people and keep the ones I feel I may want to keep in touch with in the future." But that still did not satisfy him, for whatever reason. He said they could just email me or call me if they wanted to get in touch with me...

 

DO NOT compromise on this, and DO NOT allow a man to tell you what to do in this way. If he is creeped out by something that you (and a lot of other people) consider unproblematic, that points to more serious incompatibilities.

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I dated a man who was similar .. wanted me to delete all unmarried men from my FB ... I refused. I pointed out he had unmarried women on his. It came to a head one night, found him snooping through my drawers, etc. That was enough and I told him to leave, when that happened he ended up pushing me.

Run do not walk to your nearest exit on this one.

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Diamonds&Rust
Thank you for all of your replies. I realize his insecurities are going to doom the relationship

I believe the sentiment being expressed here is that they're going to doom your happiness and autonomy. Think less of a stressful argument indicative of relationship problems and more about getting a fat, black eye and having no friends left to turn towards for help.

 

Sorry for the imagery. It just does seem like you're making a lot of excuses for someone who doesn't deserve it.

if he doesn't start to work on himself.

People who think other people have the problem have no reason to work on themselves.

I guess what's weird to me, is that it's not necessarily that he does not trust me. He knows I rarely use it and I'm not doing anything wrong (like I said, I offered up my password to keep things open and ease his mind).

What you're noticing is that his behavior is irrational. It's unfortunate that you chose to enable that by offering your password. For many, that would be a boundary violation. Professional help for him would be a better route towards easing his mind.

It's the fact that I have a few hundred friends and a few hundred pictures. I guess he is creeped out by the fact that so many people have that insight into my life. To which I can somewhat understand?

If you understand, why does your statement end in a question mark? If you're presenting his statements as anything but frightening and indefensible, I'm unconvinced.

So, I offered up a compromise (...) But that still did not satisfy him, for whatever reason.

Do you see the pattern here?

He said they could just email me or call me if they wanted to get in touch with me...

Please acknowledge that people here are not simply pointing out that this is a less-than-ideal relationship, but a serious and potentially life-threatening red flag.

 

This is a much bigger problem than insecurity; according to him, you're the one with the problem because you haven't done enough to prevent acquaintances from jerking off to your photograph!

 

Your best way to support his personal growth is to tell him you can't tolerate his behavior, and follow through on leaving him if he doesn't immediately take accountability for his actions and do his best to make amends to you and restore the dignity an adult deserves.

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Amen, it's his job to work on his insecurity, not hers ... early stages of a controlling and non-healthy relationship.

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I believe the sentiment being expressed here is that they're going to doom your happiness and autonomy. Think less of a stressful argument indicative of relationship problems and more about getting a fat, black eye and having no friends left to turn towards for help.

 

Sorry for the imagery. It just does seem like you're making a lot of excuses for someone who doesn't deserve it.

 

People who think other people have the problem have no reason to work on themselves.

 

What you're noticing is that his behavior is irrational. It's unfortunate that you chose to enable that by offering your password. For many, that would be a boundary violation. Professional help for him would be a better route towards easing his mind.

 

If you understand, why does your statement end in a question mark? If you're presenting his statements as anything but frightening and indefensible, I'm unconvinced.

 

Do you see the pattern here?

 

Please acknowledge that people here are not simply pointing out that this is a less-than-ideal relationship, but a serious and potentially life-threatening red flag.

 

This is a much bigger problem than insecurity; according to him, you're the one with the problem because you haven't done enough to prevent acquaintances from jerking off to your photograph!

 

Your best way to support his personal growth is to tell him you can't tolerate his behavior, and follow through on leaving him if he doesn't immediately take accountability for his actions and do his best to make amends to you and restore the dignity an adult deserves.

 

OP, this is an excellent post. Please read it more than once.

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Lauriebell82

My husband despises facebook and ended up deleting his but he NEVER has asked me to delete mine or anything. He understands I like it and trusts me. That's a normal healthy relationship.

 

YOUR'S does not sound that way. He can hate facebook all he wants, but if you want to keep it then it is your business, not his. His insecurity, jealousness, and controlling nature are huge red flags.

 

OP, what answers did you expect to hear from us? We are all saying he is controlling and it could become worse if you remain in the relationship. I have counseled enough women in abusive relationships to know the early signs, but most do not want to admit them and compensate by stating the positive things about their partner (i.e. good looking, passionate, ect).

 

So, if you aren't willing to leave the relationship then what are your other options: (which I suspect your'e not)

 

a) Talk to him (which hasn't worked)

b) Suggest he get some help through counseling (have you done that?)

c) Stand firm in your decision and tell him you are NOT deleting facebook nor changing anything about your account

 

Chances are option C will piss him off and it may give you a glimse of future abusive behavior to come..maybe it will snap you out of your "love fog."

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chelsea2011

Compromising by deleting old friends is enabling his insecurities instead of forcing him to face his own demons. You are trust worthy, so you should stand your ground and tell him to take a hike until "fixes" his own insecurities.

 

Ask him for his passwords and see what he says. If he gets defensive then that is a sign that HE is projecting what he may be guilty of thinking onto you.

 

Your only option here is to put him in his place and tell him you aren't going to tolerate his insecurities. That's his problem an if he wants to be with you then he needs to seek help. Don't bend for someone who is being irrational and borderlining on being abusive.

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jnj express

are you gonna sacrifice your own peace of mind---cuz you think you got some hot shot looker, as a partner-----what are you, arm--candy---BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP-----just remember that one statement---and stop throwing your own safety, and peace of mind out the window, cuz of the way someone looks, you, yourself, are pretty shallow if looks mean that much to you.

 

If your facebook is open and available to him, then he should have no gripes about anything----he is trying to control you---that is the beginnings, of jealousy, and abuse----be very careful how you tread in this relationship---or you could be in for a life of misery

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Diamonds&Rust

I hope the patterns of abusive behavior that people are noticing is evident to the OP. Don't make excuses for this guy.

 

Your only option here is to put him in his place and tell him you aren't going to tolerate his insecurities.

Admitting that you have insecurity and dealing with your insecurity are remarkably different.

 

His way of dealing with his insecurity is to increase controlling and abusive behavior. That's a bad sign.

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Absolutely refuse to give in to such an unreasonable request.

 

Put your foot down and if he threatens to leave let him.

 

He'll quickly stop acting like a child. But I'm not sure you should be with someone like this at all. It's a shame that you're seeing this side now, when you have invested a year. But I think you know what you have to do. His behavior is alarming.

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Eddie Edirol

However he has never been able to provide solid reasons for WHY he is insecure and jealous??? I mean, in all honestly this man could be a MODEL! He is 6'5" with a great build and veryyy handsome face. I just do NOT understand why he's so insecure??

 

 

He knows why he's jealous. After reading your situation, the first thing that pops into my mind, what might have made him jealous in general, is that his exes burned him in the past and he never found out what he did to lose their attraction to him. Of course those women left him for new men, probably right away, and he might have gotten clues of when he felt the distance before the breakup. The reason his exes left him, could be the usual reasons. Bad sex, he wasnt romantic enough, maybe took them for granted, maybe they were on the rebound and got back with their exes, could be anything. But since he doesnt know what he did wrong then, he's taking it out on you, trying to force you to not desire anyone else. At least that might be what he thinks he has to do, he doesnt know anything else.

 

He has issues, and you need to leave him, because his ignorance will only make him worse.

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It seems that he is trying to control you, which can be red flag for your relationship. Make him understand that it is just a social networking site, which helps you to keep in touch with your friends...

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Ninjainpajamas
I suggested, "what if I delete all the random high school friends/guys and leave the 50ish people I'd liked to keep in touch with? (a.k.a. volleyball girls and close high school girlfriends")

 

........And his reply was the same. He said they could e-mail me if they wanted to get together (true)...

 

I love this man and I'm just wondering if him asking me to delete facebook is extremely controlling, or am I being a rude b*tch in sort of ignoring his feelings, seeing as he has never even had a facebook? Insight needed, PLEASE AND THANKS! :)

 

This right here is the insanity that you should see yourself reading right here and it should set off a light bulb to how ridiculous the amounts of power this guy is starting to have over your mind and clarity.

 

I mean deleting everyone but 50ish people? I'm surprised you even had the nerve to make such a ridiculous offer, let alone miraculously It wasn't even good enough!...almost speechless!

 

Imagine your friend or loved one being treated by a guy like this, would you say "oh ok, that's fine, he's totally not psycho and trying to control you"...I mean think about, set the marbles straight in your head that this guy has rattled to even make you consider something like this...wake up, look at what he is asking you to do...step back and If you had a daughter and she had a bf like this would this be ok with you?

 

How on earth and on what planet would this be you being a bitch instead of him being a controlling psycho?, nobody is worth your freedom and your happiness and this guy will slowly take over you like a darkness shutting out everything and everyone in your life until he has you all to himself and then he it will still not be good enough.

 

Imagine how his mind festers and culminates over every activity you do, every guy you touch hands with, every male in your life, at work, when you go on vacation, when you stop to put gas as the gas station and he watches over you like some psycho obsessive stalker just waiting for you to cross the line so he can go nuts and tell you that's far enough!

 

This guy is not jealous he is obsessive, you are like a property of his and he probably blows you over with an intensity you think is love and passion but really it's just him wanting you all to himself.

 

Before you know It he'll be pitting your emotions against you and using that control over you in order to manipulate you into doing whatever he asks. He'll contort your reality into a warped and twisted idealistic view of his own mental disorder creation and the lower you sink into the less you'll realize you are even in it, and everyone around you will think you've lost your mind and you'll actually think you are happy this way!

 

Snap out of it, you've got this guy twisted...jealousy is one thing and bad enough, this guy is on another level beyond that...drop him off at a psychologist and pat yourself on the back for avoiding a miserable future from a guy who will do who knows what down the road as he gets more and more comfortable and more and more territorial.

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... And if you DID give him your FB password - change it.

 

Now.

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Professor X

How sad. Only reason you allow him to act this way is because he's hot, yes? Well, good luck with that! ;) I do wonder how much you gonna bend just for his pretty looks.

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If he has something against facebook, he's the one who shouldn't have it. Not you. What if he was against e-mail, or mobile phones, or TV? Would you also say bye-bye to those stuff?

If I were on his place & jealous about you being on facebook, I would make sure I also had a FB profile where I would add you, put that we're in a relationship, put our photos together etc, so that other guys know that you're taken. But I would never demand that you delete your account.

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