Naive1 Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 Okay I am not the one with the problem but am afraid I am going to get dragged in----my best friend has been married for 7 years and has two kids with her husband. From what she tells me, there have been times of cheating on both of their parts, her more than him, and he only knows of the 1st time which was a "payback." Recently when her husband and kids went out of town she stayed behind and went out to a club with one of our friends. She was introduced to this group where she met this one guy and hooked up for the time they were at the club and that was it. (She told her husband the battery in the phone went dead and she didn't hear it ring when he called.) The next weekend, she lied to her husband and said she had to work, was helping me move and that she fell asleep on my couch, however she really went out to the club again and hooked up with the 1st hookups friend. Now three weeks later she is really into this guy and was thinking about telling her husband lastnight. Now I am not a cheater and have never been one so therefore I do not understand it. I am in a relationship with a guy who I love very much but with what she is doing and what my boyfriends friend is doing, cheating on his wife, I am so stressed about what could possibly happen with my boyfriend. Could he cheat? Is it possible that he could even though he tells me he is totally against it? But what about my friends husband, what about if he tries to talk to me to see if her story is really true? He told her that she was so wonderful this past weekend and when she told me that it made me cringe. How can I show her that what she is doing is wrong? Not only wrong because she is married but because she is a mother? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 How can I show her that what she is doing is wrong? Not only wrong because she is married but because she is a mother? You can't. People will do what they want to do, and sometimes even family and well-meaning friends can't rescue them from their self. Don't take that responsibility upon yourself. Focus on "your" relationship and don't waste your time stressing out over hers or getting involved in her behavior...particularly if you find it troubling. I had many gal pals like yours, and one friend in particular who cheated during all three of her marriages and loved to fill me in on all the details. Even used "me" once as her excuse to sneak out of the house. I wasn't aware of it until afterwards when she called to say "if so-and-so calls...tell him I was with you." I refused. And so should you. If your friend gets mad at you, than she really isn't a "friend." Friends don't drag their buddies through the mud with them or use them for accomplices against their will. Simply tell your friend that while you truly care about her happiness and well-being, you don't care to hear about her affairs any more because you don't want to get involved. Ignorance is sometimes bliss. Find your own backbone and tell her you're not comfortable lying, and that if she were a true friend, she wouldn't even ask that from you. And as long as you continue to play her 'cover' and 'sounding board,' you are enabling her behavior…not helping. Perhaps, like I did with my friend, you could convince her to seek counseling. But it won't be easy if she refuses to acknowledge that she might have a problem. Breaking through someone's denial is a very difficult task...even for the professionals. You may even find out eventually that this friendship is totally one-sided. That you are simply a buddy of convenience. When push comes to shove, and you refuse to support her on this issue, she might be the one to end the friendship with you. Selfish people do selfish things, so be very cautious about who you choose to call a “friend!” But what about my friends husband, what about if he tries to talk to me to see if her story is really true? Tell him you don't want to get involved. That he needs to talk to his wife. Kick the ball back in her court and let your friend deal with her own mess. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 Wow, bit of a coincidence... married 7 years, 2 kids, TBXW had several affairs (I had none). Anyway, I agree with the previous poster that you're not the one to approach your friend. In my case, however, several of my friends knew about TBXW's affairs before I did (I was totally, blissfully unaware till August). They'd had this info for about a year previous. They had absolutely no idea what to do with it. My closest friend spoke to his priest, his parents, and several other friends of ours, to try to get advice and guidance. Finally, he and another friend sat TBXW down two summers ago and told her that they knew what she'd done, and that she was to break it off immediately or they'd go to me with what they knew. She'd already broken off the physical part of it, though the emotional affair was continuing. She told them she'd already broken it off, and that was that. Finally, overwhelmed by guilt or whatever, she confessed everything to me in August. We tried to fix it but decided we couldn't. We've separated and will be divorcing. I couldn't gather from your post if you want the affair to end so they can fix the marriage, or just because it's so monstrously unfair, or another reason. The point being, however, maybe you should approach one of her husband's friends and let him know what you know. There's a bond between you and her as friends that probably isn't there between her and her husband's friend; that guy's loyalty will probably be to his friend, first and foremost. That was definitely true with my friends. Just a thought... Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 Wowsers.....that's a real ugly situation. I had a married g/friend that was cheating on her husband of 11 years and she used me for cover also - without my knowing! Wanna know what I did? I called her right out of the blue one day and said that I did not approve of what she was doing and I told her that I woiuld not provide any other cover for her and if she did drop me into anything further I would make a call to her husband. Distance yourself from this couple......they are toxic! As long as you have done nothing wrong yourself you have nothing to loose by not "hanging out" with this couple. People like that just Piss me off! Why don't they just take the Marriage Certificate out and spit on it? People who act like this are the premise of every Jerry Springer show I have ever seen. Bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naive1 Posted January 27, 2004 Author Share Posted January 27, 2004 Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO I had many gal pals like yours, and one friend in particular who cheated during all three of her marriages and loved to fill me in on all the details. Even used "me" once as her excuse to sneak out of the house. I wasn't aware of it until afterwards when she called to say "if so-and-so calls...tell him I was with you." I refused. Well what happened to you, has now happened top me. She called me Saturday night at 11pm and asked me to call her back in 15 minutes and she would handle the rest. I called and said, "okay so what do you want," and she starts having this conversation by herself whch ended up being-something was wrong with my son and I needed her to come look after my daughter---or thats what she told her husband. He called me the next morning at 2am to ask if things were okay but my boyfriend had taken the battery out of the phone so she couldn't call back. I just can't believe how selfish she is being. And she knows this is how I feel but she keeps coming to me with this crap. Do I just look at her and tell I don't care? Its hard because I totally don't agree wih it, but I don't want to be the one to hurt her husband by telling him. But then again, what do I do when he catches me offguard about it when we are talking one day? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 I think if you have honestly told your girlfriend how you feel, and asked her not to involve you, then as a 'friend' she should respect your wishes. If she continues to ignore your request --- then she is either not your friend, or you haven't been direct enough with her yet. While its easy to blame selfish friends for taking advantage, I think we are all partly responsible for the situations we get ourselves into. We "teach" people how to treat us, either by expressing or not expressing ourselves openly and honestly. Obviously, like myself, you had put yourself out there for her in the past for the sake of your 'friendship.' Trying to be a good friend, you may have been indifferent or even supportive of her when she confided in you about what she was doing. You may have even played 'cover' for her in the past without much resistance, thus setting yourself up as someone she could count on. If this is true, then she would have no indication that your position on this has changed unless you tell her explicitly...point blank...that you will not get yourself involved. Being wishy-washy about your position, for the sake of sparing feelings, will not help your own situation. You may even have to drive your point home with an ultimatum; “either you respect my boundaries, or I’ll have to end our friendship.” She may not like it, but then you must decide which is more important: Your association with this girl, or your own peace of mind. Obviously, this is starting to effect your own well-being, otherwise you would not be spending so much time worrying about what to say when the husband calls…and your boyfriend would not be placed in the position of having to remove the batteries from the phone! As far as what to do when/if the husband calls…I think you have two choices. Either tell him you don’t want to get involved and that he should talk to his wife; or you can continue to play her scapegoat. But if you choose the later, understand that you will only be reinforcing the pattern that has already been set, and it will make it all the more difficult for you to remove yourself from the situation as it escalates. And its unfair that you should be expected to continually lie for someone else. You’ll just have to invent more lies to cover up the last ones told, and when push comes to shove, he may forgive the wife while resenting you for being dishonest. If it were me…I’d find some new friends! Then again, life's too short for all that drama and I've never been able to stomach that kind of people crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naive1 Posted January 28, 2004 Author Share Posted January 28, 2004 You are so right. I am tired of her using me. I think its about time I grow some balls and tell her I'm not interested in the details of her affair and that I, from this point on, will not take part in helping her detroy her family. Thank you, from both my boyfriend and myself. You have helped more than you know. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 Umm.. I really hope you don't literally grow some balls. That would be a whole other topic. Link to post Share on other sites
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