Worried, somewhat unnerved, need to vent

[chronicthorn]

So background, I've been in a relationship with this girl for about 4 or 5 months now, about 3 months of that have been long distance, and things have been going great. I love her very much and she loves me too (or at least thats what she has lead me to believe). She is the only girl I have ever been with (somewhat of a late bloomer) and as best as I can tell the first girl I have ever loved. She has a bit more experience than me in both those departments, which doesn't really bother me too much but shortly before we met she had a threesome with a couple that she is on friendly terms with.

 

She says that it was some of the best sex she has ever had, more because the thrill of 3 people than the skills of anyone involved (she has told me that I pleasure her better than any other has ever before). Now, ordinarily I wouldn't really care too much about this, except that she is still friends with the couple and still sees them. She is bisexual and interested in exploring sexual relationships with women, something I have no issue with so long as she is faithful to me when it comes to other guys, this is where the problem somewhat starts, as the female member of that couple is her preferred female partner.

 

I was driving her home one day and the discussion about how she cant wait to see her friends again (the last time they met up was before I was in the picture (and also the first/only time they had a threesome), everyone has been busy with travel and work) came up. I half-jokingly asked if she would be disappointed to have to turn down a threesome with them and she unexpectedly answered with a rather emphatic yes and how its so much fun, and how she wont be able to have a sexual relationship with the girl anymore or whatever.

 

I was kind of confused because being an open relationship on their end it didn't seem like it should be an issue and she knows I have no issues with her hooking up with girls or whatever anyway, but her response was to the effect of "You're my boyfriend, they are my couple" and then she suggested the possibility of having a 'threesome lite' whereby she would in effect have a threesome but the male end of the couple wouldn't touch her. As you can imagine I was extremely uncomfortable at the mere thought and once I started voicing my concerns about this she put a halt to the discussion and was all like "No, forget I mentioned it, lets not talk about it, I love you a lot and wouldn't hurt you" and she took my hand and started kissing it and holding it to her chest, and trying to comfort me and such. It actually bothered me enough that while driving back from her house I lost focus, completely zoned out, and nearly killed myself when my car drifted off the road and almost hit a tree, thankfully I snapped back to reality just in time to avoid a serious incident at 85mph

 

Well anyway, recently (earlier this week) she had a chance to meet up with her couple again, and I haven't asked any questions about what went down, because I don't want to seem like I am suspicious, but also because I am partially fearful of what I might learn. Before she went out with them she texted me that she loved me and missed me and she can't wait to see me again, etc. Which made me feel more comfortable about things, but I imagine that was her intended goal with the texts.

 

I'm quite frankly not sure what to make of this entire situation, I want to trust her, she hasn't given me reason not to, but given the distance between us and the fact that her 'couple' live in the same area as her, and that she could in effect cheat on me and I would never know (considering I don't know any of her friends whatsoever, and she is somewhat secretive about my existence, only a handful of her friends know about me and unless something has changed the past few days the couple isn't among them) I'm feeling really uncomfortable. There is also the fact that we have drastically different beliefs when it comes to sex and relationships. She is of the opinion, amongst other things, that sex without emotion is possible, to this I say bull barring certain very specific circumstances, and even then its kinda rocky. She is also open to the idea of polyamory/open relationships, though as best as I can tell she would prefer not to (she has told me that she doesn't really want to share me with anyone else), though she has asked me in the past to sleep with other women (to which I said hell no) because she is worried that I will eventually start to lust after experiencing other girls, etc. and my mind will wander and I will be unfaithful to her. She's a very headstrong, independent girl (something I love about her) but somewhat socially awkward/naive (as the threesome lite scenario illustrates), I can almost see her justifying her decision as not being cheating and me not having any reason to feel hurt about it or whatever and doing it.

 

I'll be honest and say I'm slightly insecure, having had some rocky failures of my own in the past, and I feel terrible because 1. I apparently don't trust her and 2. I don't know if I can trust 'her couple' to do the right thing and not try to push her into a compromising situation, especially since they (from what I know) seem to have a mindset similar to hers when it comes to sex and relationships, and the male end of it is apparently the 'super-dominant' type (they are into the BDSM/kink subculture) who will do/take what he wants when he wants it, although she assures me he is a very smart and kind person and wouldn't do anything illegal, but she also LIKES to be dominated so....

 

Anyway, I needed to vent, I hope someone out there can empathize with me or whatever, because none of my friends could really help me out. Thanks for reading, hope it wasn't too rambly...

[imagine]

I have my doubts about headstrong folk. I will not share my woman with anybody- male or female neither child nor sister nor parents.

 

The more convicted I am of this , the more attractive I become. She becomes the focus in my world. If she is not interested, sorry pal, neither am I....

[Soxfaninfl]

I would be worried most of all of STD's in this situation. Even if she is into women only, she could still get HPV and herpes from giving other women oral sex. When a man gets HPV, he could end up with penile cancer. What's worse you could end up with HIV if she has unprotected sex with another man. This relationship doesn't sound healthy. Your already having issues with her, and you only been dating a few months. It seems like you would prefer a monogamous partner than this girl. Plus, the distance issue doesn't help. I would end this with this girl. Too much drama so soon. The longer you stay in the relationship the harder it will be to end it.

[chronicthorn]

Well (to my knowledge, and shes pretty open about this stuff) she has not had any other partners period while we've been together. And I feel like most of the drama is being created by me not really knowing how to handle the situation (barring the 'threesome lite' nonsense). I'm prepared to break it off with her if she does anything that I seriously disagree with, and I think she knows it too, but thus far she hasn't really given me reason to.

[verhrzn]

Well how about a compromise that wouldn't lead her or you to lying and temptation... you guys have a threesome. Or, if you're afraid that's more trouble than it's worth, suggest that the girl in the other couple and your girlfriend hook up, and you and the couple-boyfriend get to watch.

 

You said you were fine with her hooking up with girls... this way she could get some of the excitement she might (key word: might, I'm guessing here) be missing, you get some of the variety and sexual adventure she's afraid you might be missing, and there's no need for temptation or lying or any of that because, you get to explore this stuff together!

[t0ri]

Why has she only told a handful of friends about you, not including "her couple?" Doesn't that make you uncomfortable?

 

So you're ok with her sleeping with the female aspect of the couple, but not the male? It sounds to me like you'd rather her be completely monogamous.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry but there can be only one reason why she has not told this couple about you and I think it is pretty obvious why. Sorry but you are being played.

[Professor X]

If she wants a threesome and she misses the other woman but you don't want that guy to get involved, why won't you guys have a "threesome lite" ? with you , her and that other woman (she's in an open RS after all).

You said you don't wanna sleep with other woman, no problem, just sleep with your gf when you do the threesome.

[chronicthorn]

t0ri - yes, it does make me uncomfortable, I try not to pry because she is a rather private person overall, we talked about it earlier today and she understands that it makes me uncomfortable and after I explained my position to her she pretty much agreed that I was correct and that she should have. (For the record, she laid out what happened and admitted that the male was present but not involved. It being his apartment and his girlfriend he didn't think it an issue to walk in on them to check his email or whatever, the only reason I'm not completely livid at this is because it wouldn't be anything he hasn't already seen before (as he already has pics of her from before anyway), though I am pretty pissed and she knows it. It was partially for this reason that she admitted she should have told them as it would have probably prevented anything that I took serious offense to).

 

As for why she hasn't told most others, I dont know for sure. She has a somewhat unfortunate history which I wont go into detail on because its not my place to talk about others in such a manner, my guess is that she is trying to avoid a potential repeat of certain prior events. As for monogamy, yeah its always preferable to poly (IMO) and she is willing to do it, but I dont want to limit her to such an extent. She has told me in no uncertain terms she prefers women to men in general, though she feels drawn to me for some reason or another. I feel like I would be forcing her to be someone she is not if I made her cut that part of her life out. To me, its better that she have that option available to her and not have to go behind my back. One of two things will ultimately happen, she either works it out of her system and decides that Im more than enough for her, or (what I pretty much expect to happen) is that she finds a girl she prefers over me and leaves me. If the first one happens then I'm good to go I think. If the second one, then it saves me the trouble of being hurt by her in a worse manner at a later date if the relationship progresses further.

 

verhrzn - she has suggested it in the past, but we're both kinda uncomfortable with the idea for different reasons (me more than her I think). I dont want to do it because in my opinion thats a quick way to complicate matters even worse than they already are, and just a recipe for disaster/impending train wreck. In her case... she has crap self-esteem (it kinda took me by surprise because I would never have suspected it based on her general attitude about things) and is worried that I would leave her for the other person because in her mind "I can do better", which might relate to why she hasn't told too many about me. /shrug

 

The watching thing might not be a bad idea, but we had a talk about things earlier today (finally) and i guess we worked it out, shes not going to see the couple any longer outside of possibly a 'just friends' type situation (which was me being generous because she was ready to just write them out of her life entirely and I dont want to be that kind of controlling super-jealous boyfriend). I'm also allowing her the privilege of seeing other girls if she can find one not attached to a male.

 

I dont think I'm being played though, she really has nothing to gain from me, and she spends more of her time talking to me than anything else, and she puts more effort into things than I do (which I sorta hate to admit). I mean, I guess anything is possible but we skype, text, or talk on the phone constantly, more than what I would say is healthy in any case, she tells me pretty much everything thats going on in her life (I know when shes out with her friends, etc. she (almost) always makes sure that I'm comfortable with things if she thinks shes going to do something that might upset me (which it usually doesn't). We're too young for either of us to be thinking marriage or anything like that (we have both said it several times) and are very much playing things by ear. She is constantly worried that she is going to hurt me in some way (oddly enough she didn't think this would???) and that she is being a bad girlfriend, and tells me that I can end this at any point and she won't hold it against me, because she doesn't deserve someone as good as me in her life, etc. Ordinarily, I would suspect that as being an admission of guilt to something and turn tail and run, the reason I don't in this case is because the first time she said it to me it was a precondition to her agreeing to go steady with me, and she told me most of the reasons why she feels that shes unworthy of my love and none of them are really of the nature to imply someone who would cheat on another. She's also met my parents, two of the most untrusting and skeptical people I know, and they absolutely loved her. My mom is especially adept at sniffing out people that are untrustworthy etc. with just one glance, its like a sixth sense, and she thought the girl to be amazingly wonderful, so...

 

I guess, really, part of me suspects it given how rotten it all smells, but I'm staying cautiously optimistic about things, trying to keep myself from getting attached to her until I can prove for sure one way or another.

Edited February 11, 2012 by chronicthorn

[chronicthorn]

Sorry for the double post

 

The more I think about things, the more I think I should call it quits and move on, but I dont want to make a decision based on incomplete information... (seriously, I've seen friends mess up really wonderful things because they made assumptions and took completely innocent and harmless gestures way out of context, I try not to do the same). She has (seemingly) been forthcoming with me and told me things that she knew I wouldn't react positively to, and she seems like she would end things herself if she thought things were bad enough to warrant it (she almost did about a month ago because she tried to get back at me for a prank I pulled on her and she took it a bit too far (in her own mind) and thought that she seriously hurt me in the process (I thought it was funny as hell)). Needless to say it took me a bit to calm her down and stop her crying.

 

And when something is bothering her I can read it like the back of my hand, and thus far she has been apologetic but I dont get any sense that there is anything other than the basic "I messed up, I'm so sorry".

 

The worst is that I can never know for sure, as I do not know these people. I can track them down on facebook easily enough and message them, but they are her friends, not mine, I have no reason to suspect they would tell me the truth, other than the fact that they might feel indignant to know that they were unwillingly involved in an act of unfaithfulness. But as much as I would like to, that would be a violation of her privacy (they would no doubt tell her), and what does that say about me and the fact that I can't trust her to tell me the truth? What do y'all think about that?

Edited February 11, 2012 by chronicthorn

[Chi townD]

Threesome lite? There is no such thing. You don't know what happens in the heat of the moment and when things start to feel good.....well, what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

 

Sorry dude, but I think you're better off finding a girl that wanted to dedicate herself to one person only regardless of gender.

[Space Ritual]

You need to go get an STD test and kick this chick to the curb...come on man, are you seriously this naive? Like the other couple actually cares what you think? lol.

 

Young man, they are all having a good laugh and sex at your expense.

 

Go find someone that will make you a priority, not an option.