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Past the Point of No Return??


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I have just made the final steps toward ending a 6+ year relationship. My gut tells me that things have gone too far to save, but I am still struggling with my decision.

 

I met my boyfriend in our 20’s and although we had a certain connection and chemistry that kept us together things we were always rocky. Every few months there would be some “incident” – me crying to my mom that I found condoms in his glove box, him throwing me out for snooping in his email… on and on. Yuck

 

Finally we made pact to set things in a better direction, and for a time things were MUCH better. We even decided to move in together. My family and friends were concerned considering out history, but I told them all that I wanted to be with him and that all was well

 

After a few months he started getting up in the middle of the night and going on the computer every night for a number of weeks. Something didn’t sit right with me, so I snooped (ugh) and found out he was texting/skypeing/getting photos from some girl in Czech Republic. He denied it at first but after I moved out, he admitted that he met her in at a dance club in our home town and continued to talk to her online after she left – but that she was a “friend”. Blah

 

We broke up for a year but stayed in contact. Over the past few three months or so we have been spending a lot of time together. He has been very loving and thoughtful – making nice dinners, telling me how happy he is that I am back in his life. Again I let my family and friends know that we were working on things. Then one day he left his email up, and there I saw that he had been using a number of dating sites including a few sex personals sites. I asked him about the sites, and he asserted that he has the right to go on those sites because we had broken up and he was unsure of whether or not I was back to stay

 

His reason for all of it is that I don’t meet his needs by putting him #1 above friends family and other things, and that I mistrust him so he has to receive positive feelings from others. He says he wants to continue to work on this but I have to commit to putting him first.

 

That is really hard to do when deep down I don’t trust him fully and no one that I know is supportive of me staying in this relationship. I almost don’t care whose fault it is any more, I just know that I am at the end of my rope. In spite of it all I still love him. I am DEVASTATED.

Edited by seaberry
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Philosoraptor

Sounds like there are severe trust issues, and rightfully so. The question you must ask yourself is if you could ever see yourself being happy with this person, or are you staying out of comfort and the fear of the unknown?

 

He does seem quite insecure and that is his burden, not yours. You can not give someone self esteem and no one person should need to be at the top of your list 100% of the time. But you seem to know what you want to do but seem hesistant to do so. If you want out, if you're not happy... just end things. It will be easier on you in the long run.

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I also think it's a MAJOR red flag that he pointed his finger at YOU for HIS behavior.

 

You "didn't put him #1 above family & friends" and somehow that justifies behaving deceptively?!?!?

 

And then he's upset because you mistrust him?!?!?!?!?And has the gall to use that as an excuse to continue deceptive behaviors?

 

Seaberry, are you familiar with the term, "blameshifting"?

Because that's what he's doing.

Instead of being accountable for his own actions, he's pointing the finger at you.

It's absurd, when you look at it closely.

Until he begins to own his own crap--and starts to look INWARD for validation, this cycle will keep repeating. It's not going to get better until he fixes what's broken inside him. You can't do it for him, this is internal work, that he has to do.

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Thanks for the replies guys. Here is his response letter to my break-up attempts! :(

 

"I really would have liked to say the following in person but you have not made yourself available. First off, I’m not trying to fight with you or emplore you stay or change your mind. But there are some things that need be said.

 

I’ve done a lot of thinking about us over the past few months and I’ve come to the conclusion that I really, really love you. Probably more than you will ever know.

 

I joined dating sites when we weren’t together, because I thought at times during our relationship there might be a better fit for both of us . The thoughts that I had were natural, at times hurtful – and very necessary in sorting out my feelings for you.

 

Most recently you’ve asked for my committent when you yourself have not been fully engaged. That was unfair. During the holidays you chose friends over me, and have tried to leave me multiple times since.

 

I apologize for feeling the need to protect myself, but it was spawned by fear of abandonment, and inability to communicate with you. Yet somehow you can’t see how this applies to my behavior or provide forgiveness for things I’ve done.

 

Reading my email (which I know you did and have done in the past) was like reading a diary of my personal thoughts and feelings about our situation. I know you think I’ve done something wrong by having these thoughts or feelings, but what you did was every bit of a violation and its not the first time either. I feel your mistrust of me and always have, and I believe its one of the reasons I’ve always acted out. I also believe your mistrust is why you choose other people over me.

 

I understand that you don’t want sadness in your life anymore - neither do I. Ironically, I don’t feel negatively about our relationship like you think. I just feel like we were both dealing with heavy **** and doing our best. I can’t blame you for having the desire to leave its only natural when you are devastated. I know you were devastated by the events with Petra ( btw this is the girl that he was having on online relationship with). AlI I can say is that was in a bad place then and I’m sorry. Unfortunately, she communicated and saw the good in me and all I’ve ever really wanted is that from you. I know you don’t know what to believe, but thats the honest truth.

 

I bought a dog for us, I cook you dinner, and take care of you when you’re sick. It would be nice if you boasted about me even a little. But I often feel negativity, a lack of support, and mistrust. You want to connect with my life but give very little in return. Bottom line, I haven’t dated anyone, gone anywhere, or ever really wanted anyone but you. I told my friends we were working on rekindling our relationship. Its hard because you just don’t see that I want it to be you.

 

I’ve apologized for the things I can apologize for but there is nothing more than I can do. I won’t ask you to come back again. I will simply say goodbye if you don't believe in us anymore. It feels unfair to have to do it this way because you should have least faced me and given me the proper opportunity to address your fears and concerns. You will be missed beyond compare. I’m sorry and I love you.

Edited by seaberry
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Mind you, this is only my opinion, but despite what he has told you, it doesn't change much at all.

The 2 of you kept hurting one another for whatever reason ("heavy ****"? forgive me if I doubt, but I call "heavy ****" life threatening situations), and moreover, you have already tried to fix your RS in the past and you saw where it led you, so don't think it will change if you try again, because there's no reason for it to.

 

6y is a lot, yes, but it's better than a lifetime of misery and unhappiness, don't you think?

 

And for the record, you should cease all communication with him after your breakup, so that you can actually heal from it. If you keep this wound open (as you did in the past after your last breakup), you risk never moving on with your life, and in that case, you might as well accept a future with him.

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Philosoraptor

That reads like a respectful middle finger.

 

He still takes no responsibility for his actions yet holds you to different standards.

 

A simple yet effective response would be: "I wish you happiness in your future and the best of luck with your future endeavors." But be prepared as he may start slinging cheap shots at you as he has already rationalized his actions as necessary and simply a result of something you did. Just ignore them and continue on your path to healing.

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When your friends or family think your in a bad relationship that is a huge red flag. When love is blind it is best to rely on trusted eyes.

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Seaberry,

 

Trust your gut, it's telling you something that your heart wants to ignore.

 

Without trust, you will be miserable. All those pretty words he's filling you with won't make up for the lack of trust and it will eventually cycle back around to the same issue.

 

Sometimes those on the outside looking in and see what should've been as plain as the nose on our face. I know it's hard to walk away from 6 yrs, been there done it.

 

When it's done though, it's as if you've lifted a ton of weight off of you and you eventually piece together things with much more clarity.

 

Oh and it's very true that you should cut off contact or you will continue to secound guess yourself.

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Thanks guys for the thoughtful replies. When I try to cut contact, he says that that I am being cruel and disrepectful and that I should come face him. Which I do, and then I end up giving in after he blames me/begs me back.

 

There is a situation from earlier in our relationship that he always blames everything on:

 

When we had been dating a few months, I went to him and told him that I really liked him and asked if he wanted to be exclusive. He told me that he wasn't ready for that kind of relationship, but might be at some point in the future. I was really disappointed becuase that response was not what I was expecting. My friends told me that they thought I should keep my options open and go on other dates if he did not want to be exclusive.

 

Shortly after this conversation I attend a party of people that my boyfriend and I both went to school with. He did not come. Mind you he had just told me that he was not ready for an exclusive relationship. At the party was a former classmate who I was attracted to and who was pursuing me. I drank too much a the party and ended up hooking up with this guy. (No sex but clothes definitely came off).

 

The next day I panicked! What was I thinking?? My boyfriend knew this guy. I called him the next day and explained everything. I told him that I really only wanted to be with him, but that I decided to keep my options open because he told me he did not want a relationship. I got in over my head and made a poor decision.

 

After some conflict he "forgave" me but would do things to treat me poorly at times and blame it on that. For YEARS he would mostly spend time with me only in private, never at large gatherings or with his friends. He would have many female friends that did not know he had a girlfriend. Lie about where he was going... And many many other things for many years.

 

Eventually I got tired of it and started spending more time with friends and family instead of lamenting the situation. (Mind you I was always faithful to him). That is where he get the "putting friends first" thing from. I think 6+ years is long enough that he should stop bringing this up and the reason for everything??

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Seaberry,

 

I get the impression you may not be quite ready to let go of this relationship regardless of all the incidents that you are bringing up.

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Yes, I am having a really hard time letting go of him in spite of all of the issues.

 

When I try to leave he INSISTS that he loves me and that he thinks the problems can be rectified.

 

My friends and family are begging to stop going back to him.

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Yes, I am having a really hard time letting go of him in spite of all of the issues.

 

When I try to leave he INSISTS that he loves me and that he thinks the problems can be rectified.

 

My friends and family are begging to stop going back to him.

 

After 6 years of this mess, of trying to fix it, you still think that's true? that you can just fix it? Oh boy...

Edited by Professor X
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You would think that after all of the issues that he would just let me go when I try to leave, but he doesn't. He insists that by leaving I am ruining his life, abandoning him and that must mean that I don't love him.

 

That is NOT true at all. I do love him and want him to be happy too, I am just so tired I can't take it.

 

The guilt of leaving is unbearable, but when I go back I feel as if I am walking on eggshells waiting for the next incident.

 

To make matters worse, whenever I make plans with family or friends he gets furious saying he is not a priority and all I do is see them. He will call, and get angry if I don't immediatly come over or pick up immediately when he calls.

 

But if my friends or my mom thinks that I am with him, they call my phone over and over and then get angry if I don't pick up OR angry if I pick up and I am with him. Then the next time I see them the conversation is about how weak and I am and that I am ruining their lives.

 

He blames me for all of it, and says it is my fault that my friends and family don't support our relationship, becuase I "sold him down the river" by sharing our problems with them.

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You would think that after all of the issues that he would just let me go when I try to leave, but he doesn't. He insists that by leaving I am ruining his life, abandoning him and that must mean that I don't love him.

 

I know it's easier if he were to let you go, but obviously, he doesn't want that, so you need to be the strong one here and leave him yourself. If you can't bring yourself to do so, than you might as well just accept a life where you're unhappy - where you walk on eggshells all the time.

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I could maybe even accept some degree of unhappiness if I thought he would be happy, but I feel like he is never happy with me. It also makes my family miserable which I cant bear.

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Don't wait too long sweetie, regrets suck and you'll regret the time wasted. You just have to take that leap of faith for , you, not family, nor friends.

 

...and I'm sorry that they are putting pressure on you, it should be support and reassurance that you will be alright, and that they'll, be with you for support.

 

I promise you, when and if you ever do decide to take a break if nothing else. It's gonna feel like a weight has been lifted.

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