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Wife cheated. Should I tell her parents?


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Been debating back and forth in my mind as to what's the best way to approach this but I hear so many conflicting opinions on this.

 

My wife was actually cheating on me the entire time we were engaged, during our honeymoon and every moment after that.

 

When I found out about my wife's affair, the first person I talked with about it was my wife's sister who had been supportive all along. My wife still doesn't know her sister knows the whole story. Its been two years now, we're finally separated and I just found out from her sister that my wife has simply told her parents that "It didn't work out". However, I don't know exactly what she said. Her sister who was formerly supportive of me is now calling me 'selfish' for wanting to tell her parents the truth. She said I'd be no better than the the man my wife cheated on me with if I told her parents because I'd only be doing it to try and hurt my wife. She said I really need to question my own motives as to why I would want to tell her parents. According to her, my wife's parents are no longer part of my life and what they think of what happened to our marriage is no longer my concern. She also said her parents probably wouldn't believe me and that if my intent was to get satisfaction by turning my wife's family against my wife, that she's quite sure that I wouldn't find that satisfaction, and that her parents would put me out on the street!

 

I tell my wife's sister that I just want to let her parents know the truth because I couldn't stand it if they thought i had something to do with the failure of our marraige. Her response was "You think too much about what other people think about you. My parents are no longer part of your life so just let them be"

 

At this point, I'm highly suspicious about what exactly my wife told her family if her sister has pulled a 180 on me like this.

 

Regardless of what her sister thinks though, I'm still highly set on telling her parents. It grinds at me knowing that her parents don't know what happened - but at the same time - I also see her sister's point about them not being a part of my life anymore. However, it shouldn't be my fault if her parents are sad or hurt of this news, she's the one who hurt them, not me. That should be on my wife.

 

What are your thoughts on this? Am I really in the wrong for wanting to tell her parents or is this just her sister trying to cover for her? I think I'm set in telling them no matter what anyone says - I would never be able to feel at peace unless they knew - but I would still highly value any insight you guys might have.

Edited by RaysofHope
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I guess I don't really see the point in telling her parents. You will no longer be connected to them and it wouldn't really serve any purpose. I've always been in favor of people telling an unsuspecting spouse about infidelity, since it directly affects their life and not knowing robs them of living a life with a trustworthy spouse, but it really serves no purpose for her parents to know. Unless someone were spreading untrue gossip about you that would have negative repercussions for you, there's no point in disclosing this to them.

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Two years is a long time to wait to bring this up with ex inlaws. Because of that, I'd likely let sleeping dogs lie and get on with life. The last thing you want is to stir up drama you'd have to muck into with your ex, your ex SIL, etc. If at all possible, move on.

 

OTOH...

 

Never let an obviously self-interested person, or any other person for that matter, shame you into not exercising your right to defend yourself against likely slander. While it's true that they are no longer in your life, we never know what the future holds, and having untruths about you "out there" in your larger world should be corrected if at all possible. You have every right, despite what your ex SIL says, to take steps to clear your name with these people. In your shoes, I'd definitely tell them. Your reputation is your problem; whatever consequences the truth will have in their family are not your problem.

 

Sorry. If it were anything under two years I'd try to be more definite, but two years is a long time.

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Two years is a long time to wait to bring this up with ex inlaws. Because of that, I'd likely let sleeping dogs lie and get on with life. The last thing you want is to stir up drama you'd have to muck into with your ex, your ex SIL, etc. If at all possible, move on.

 

OTOH...

 

Never let an obviously self-interested person, or any other person for that matter, shame you into not exercising your right to defend yourself against likely slander. While it's true that they are no longer in your life, we never know what the future holds, and having untruths about you "out there" in your larger world should be corrected if at all possible. You have every right, despite what your ex SIL says, to take steps to clear your name with these people. In your shoes, I'd definitely tell them. Your reputation is your problem; whatever consequences the truth will have in their family are not your problem.

 

Sorry. If it were anything under two years I'd try to be more definite, but two years is a long time.

 

Thanks for the perspective. Regarding the two year thing - I should've been clearer. Those two years have been spent trying to work it out, having her cheat again etc. During those two years, her parents had been in the dark about what was going on between us. They only knew they hadn't seen me in the longest time and suspected problems between me and my wife. Our divorce was finally finalized December 2011 and my wife told them about two weeks ago. It is still very fresh.

 

Thanks for the great insight. I really agree with everything that you said and I was also told the same thing by my friend regarding the whole 'reputation' aspect of it.

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Since you and your wife have split up, it really isn't the best idea at this point and if you told them it's possible they won't believe you and you may end up feeling worse about it all. Your stbxw if their daughter, blood is thicker and the best thing you can do for yourself is move on and work on putting it behind you. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and allow someone to believe something that isn't true because it's the best thing for ourselves.

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Since you and your wife have split up, it really isn't the best idea at this point and if you told them it's possible they won't believe you and you may end up feeling worse about it all. Your stbxw if their daughter, blood is thicker and the best thing you can do for yourself is move on and work on putting it behind you. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and allow someone to believe something that isn't true because it's the best thing for ourselves.

 

I have undeniable proof.

 

I also don't understand what you mean by 'doing the best thing for ourselves'. I'd only be doing my exwife a favour by hanging onto this secret for her while it continues to eat ME up inside. Not telling would be the worst thing I could possibly do for myself. I regret it now and I know I will only regret it even more if I pass this chance up. Why should I keep a secret like this for her sake?

 

If they didn't believe me, at least I'd feel at peace because now I at least know their response. It would bring me closure knowing I'd said what I wanted to say - how they react is up to them. Otherwise, I'd always be living with this as a 'What if?' in my mind.

Edited by RaysofHope
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I have undeniable proof.

 

I also don't understand what you mean by 'doing the best thing for ourselves'. I'd only be doing my exwife a favour by hanging onto this secret for her while it continues to eat ME up inside. Not telling would be the worst thing I could possibly do for myself. I regret it now and I know I will only regret it even more if I pass this chance up. Why should I keep a secret like this for her sake?

 

If they didn't believe me, at least I'd feel at peace because now I at least know their response. It would bring me closure knowing I'd said what I wanted to say - how they react is up to them. Otherwise, I'd always be living with this as a 'What if?' in my mind.

 

You have to do what you have to do, I get that, but your mind already seems made up so I don't see the point of asking for advice here.

 

If you talk to them, you should still be prepared for them not to accept it nor like you for telling them, and don't forget blood is thicker than any ties you had to them.

 

By the way, I didn't say anything about you keeping a secret for "her sake". I was telling you to put it behind you for YOUR sake.

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Good grief!

 

Your "wife" certainly never respected you, during your marriage or even before it. If I were you I would say my piece to you ex in-laws, and then move on and let it go.

 

She deserves that from you, and you deserve your clear reputation.

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One more thing, you are mistaken if you think you will get closure by telling them. It's possible, depending on what they say, you may even feel worse.

 

Closure is something we must find ourselves.

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One more thing, you are mistaken if you think you will get closure by telling them. It's possible, depending on what they say, you may even feel worse.

 

Closure is something we must find ourselves.

 

 

Why do you think it wouldn't bring closure?

 

Me finding closure for my self is by telling them. I'm already prepared for them not to believe me.

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Those two years have been spent trying to work it out, having her cheat again etc. During those two years, her parents had been in the dark about what was going on between us. They only knew they hadn't seen me in the longest time and suspected problems between me and my wife. Our divorce was finally finalized December 2011 and my wife told them about two weeks ago. It is still very fresh.

 

I'd tell them in a matter of fact way without any spite or emotion, would emphasize that the reason you haven't mentioned it previously is that you were trying to work things out. Make it very very short and sweet, don't get into a bunch of windup. State only the facts in the clearest way possible, include dates, write it out in advance and revise it for clarity, allow them to respond, but don't engage them in any disagreement whatsoever. Wish them well and terminate the conversation politely. If she cheated on you repeatedly, she will most assuredly lie to them and rubbish you. Don't be a sucker, your reputation is valuable and maintaining it in whatever your world consists of is important.

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I'd tell them in a matter of fact way without any spite or emotion, would emphasize that the reason you haven't mentioned it previously is that you were trying to work things out. Make it very very short and sweet, don't get into a bunch of windup. State only the facts in the clearest way possible, include dates, write it out in advance and revise it for clarity, allow them to respond, but don't engage them in any disagreement whatsoever. Wish them well and terminate the conversation politely. If she cheated on you repeatedly, she will most assuredly lie to them and rubbish you. Don't be a sucker, your reputation is valuable and maintaining it in whatever your world consists of is important.

 

Yes, what you're saying is exactly how I had already intended to deliver it. Basically: Here's the news, here's the proof and then leave.

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What's your proof her recorded confession, pictures?! Look she could still deny it and then continue with lies about what happened. You simply can't win if her parents are anything like normal parents aka people who can't see their children objectively.

 

You need to move on and realize this will bring no closure. You're divorced there is no reason to tell her parents.

 

Dating some one new and showing mutual respect and love for eachother will be your closure. knowing you have the strength to leave them if they disrespect you in a major way such as cheating will be your closure. Knowing that you went on living life one day at a time not letting the divorce end you is your closure.

 

Expect the parents to defend their daughter even more then your former sister in law already is about the issue of telling them. Move on.

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What's your proof her recorded confession, pictures?! Look she could still deny it and then continue with lies about what happened. You simply can't win if her parents are anything like normal parents aka people who can't see their children objectively.

 

You need to move on and realize this will bring no closure. You're divorced there is no reason to tell her parents.

 

Dating some one new and showing mutual respect and love for eachother will be your closure. knowing you have the strength to leave them if they disrespect you in a major way such as cheating will be your closure. Knowing that you went on living life one day at a time not letting the divorce end you is your closure.

 

Expect the parents to defend their daughter even more then your former sister in law already is about the issue of telling them. Move on.

 

- Screen captures of an entire chat session with her and her lover, the day after I asked her about her phone bills, talking about how they're going to lie about the whole thing as "just friends". It's not just text - it's the full screen shot showing her jumping back and forth between the chat windows and her online phone bills to see how bad they look.

 

-Pictures she took of the view from a hotel room where her lover took her - in a small town that's a short drive from our home city.

 

-Phone records showing she was in that small town, where the hotel from above was located, when she sent me an email - which I also still have - that same day saying 'I have friends coming in from out of town so I'll be busy tonight and I'll be sleeping in tomorrow so you won't be able to reach me".

 

-Phone records for the entire period while we were engaged and after our honeymoon showing 30 texts a day and at least 20 minutes worth of phone calls everyday to his number.

 

To make all of the above worse, it was actually a 'friend' that was fooling around with her too.

 

 

I don't understand this whole defense thing either. My cousin, a male, was cheating on his wife and got busted. The wife took him back and he went and cheated again. His wife divorced him and went to his Mom and told her everything. My cousin's Mom never doubted the story. No one talks about my cousin's ex-wife and goes "She shouldn't have done that because she is no longer part of their family" or "She should've just moved on and lived a better life". Any advice like "Just move on...." seems like a comfortable self-created illusion for anyone who takes passive behavior towards being wronged. Honestly, it made sense to everyone who heard about what happened that she went and told his Mom and no one thinks it was wrong of her to do so. That thought hasn't even crossed anyone's mind because they're focusing on the real issue of "My cousin screwed up big time and got busted". Her telling his parents was the kick in the pants my cousin needed to smarten up. Parents aren't stupid. They realize that no one would go so far out of their way to make up some crazy story if there weren't truth to it.

Edited by RaysofHope
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- Screen captures of an entire chat session with her and her lover, the day after I asked her about her phone bills, talking about how they're going to lie about the whole thing as "just friends". It's not just text - it's the full screen shot showing her jumping back and forth between the chat windows and her online phone bills to see how bad they look.

 

-Pictures she took of the view from a hotel room where her lover took her - in a small town that's a short drive from our home city.

 

-Phone records showing she was in that small town, where the hotel from above was located, when she sent me an email - which I also still have - that same day saying 'I have friends coming in from out of town so I'll be busy tonight and I'll be sleeping in tomorrow so you won't be able to reach me".

 

-Phone records for the entire period while we were engaged and after our honeymoon showing 30 texts a day and at least 20 minutes worth of phone calls everyday to his number.

 

To make all of the above worse, it was actually a 'friend' that was fooling around with her too.

 

 

I don't understand this whole defense thing either. My cousin, a male, was cheating on his wife and got busted. The wife took him back and he went and cheated again. His wife divorced him and went to his Mom and told her everything. My cousin's Mom never doubted the story. No one talks about my cousin's ex-wife and goes "She shouldn't have done that because she is no longer part of their family" or "She should've just moved on and lived a better life". Any advice like "Just move on...." seems like a comfortable self-created illusion for anyone who takes passive behavior towards being wronged. Honestly, it made sense to everyone who heard about what happened that she went and told his Mom and no one thinks it was wrong of her to do so. That thought hasn't even crossed anyone's mind because they're focusing on the real issue of "My cousin screwed up big time and got busted". Her telling his parents was the kick in the pants my cousin needed to smarten up. Parents aren't stupid. They realize that no one would go so far out of their way to make up some crazy story if there weren't truth to it.

 

Sorry to be the one to explain the way the world works but your cousin according to your story was a guy and his wife of course a girl.

 

It's one thing to think about a guy going after many women. It's a double standard society treats a woman who goes after multiple people. Words like slut, whore exist.

 

Women like to paint a world where men are cheaters, and if a woman cheats its because the man did something wrong or better yet just pertend women don't cheat. Don't expect her families reactions to be the same as yours. Also it sounds like you're hearing this cousin story very second hand.

 

Bottom line nothing good will come out of this for you. Worst case scenario your ex starts creating new lies about you even worse then the "it just didn't work out." Best case scenario nothing happens and you feel "closure." But really you should be able to feel "closure" from the divorce and going on and dating other women.

 

Also try not to be so focused on proof. All your so called proof could be denied by her. Bottom line I don't need proof to dump a girl, and I sure as heck don't need to tell her family or my family for that matter every dirty detail of a break up/divorce. You know the truth it should be good enough. It would be one thing if this was effecting your life in some "real" way like your job or reputation with people other then her parents... You told her sister which seems odd to me so that should be good enough. If it really mattered to you then you would have told her parents around the same time you told her sister.

 

Nothing good will come of this. It will only bring drama into your life.

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I know you are hurt and you feel like you want to be vindicated but you ARE divorced now, and since you are divorced, it's over. You need to find closure within yourself.

 

I don't think you came here for advice or opinions that differ from your own, you just want those who agree with you because you very loudly object to anything different.

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I know you are hurt and you feel like you want to be vindicated but you ARE divorced now, and since you are divorced, it's over. You need to find closure within yourself.

 

I don't think you came here for advice or opinions that differ from your own, you just want those who agree with you because you very loudly object to anything different.

 

Good advice. His happyness has to come from within not from the outside. He's divorced this serves no purpose but to bring uneeded drama into his life.

 

I just want to make it clear I'm not on her side or anything by telling you not to do this. I'm just thinking of what I would want for myself if I were your situation.

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"My wife was actually cheating on me the entire time we were engaged, during our honeymoon and every moment after that."

 

This is as bad as it could possibly get. Why in the world did you not file for an annulment? You spent 2 years trying to recover with a woman that would do this to you? This is totally unbelievable that you would have accepted this. I hope you have been checked for STD's? Why did she even bother marrying you? Only a woman who is a total sadistic individual could have inflicted such pain on a man she just married. Why did you accept this and wish to recover? She clearly has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

Take any actions that make you feel any better. Cheating on you during your honeymoon leaves me absolutely speechless. Good luck.

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She said I really need to question my own motives as to why I would want to tell her parents. According to her, my wife's parents are no longer part of my life

 

I agree. You do need to dig down deep and figure out why you're hellbent on telling you EX inlaws about their daughter cheating on you.

 

At the end of the day, does it really matter? You two are divorced. She isn't in your life anymore and it sounds like her sister is distancing herself from you bit by bit .. Telling her parents to cause strife in the family so you don't look like the bad guy or at fault for the marriage not working out?

 

You're wasting time and energy on this. Let it go and move on..Heal from this and start your life over again.. You're hanging onto the past. LET IT GO, man..Please. No good will come of you telling her parents. It isn't your place to do so.

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Why do you think it wouldn't bring closure?

 

Me finding closure for my self is by telling them. I'm already prepared for them not to believe me.

 

Why will it bring you closure? What if they say to you, "hmm, she told us you cheated on her throughout the marriage" or "we don't care why you two ended the marriage, why are you telling us about our daughter?" Honestly, if they don't believe you and you're already prepared for them NOT to believe you, then why tell?

 

Is it possible you're just looking for some sort of apology here and you're hoping by telling them, she will come to you and say sorry for cheating and hurting you? Think about that. Telling will NOT give you closure, or get that weight off your shoulders.

 

continues to eat ME up inside.

 

Then you need to seek out counselling and figure this out. Deal with your pain, mistrust and all that she did you, with the help of a therapist so you can let go and move on, find love again.

 

Telling will bring drama into your life, a lot of reaction and fallout. Unless that's what you are looking for? Reaction from your ex??

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Untouchable_Fire

Women like to paint a world where men are cheaters, and if a woman cheats its because the man did something wrong or better yet just pertend women don't cheat. Don't expect her families reactions to be the same as yours. Also it sounds like you're hearing this cousin story very second hand.

 

This is pretty much how it works.

 

You tell her parents she cheated... she claims you were abusive... you still look like the *******. Parents rarely hold women/girls to any standard of moral conduct at all.

 

Just forget about her stupid parents. Personally any parent who raised a girl like that is crap anyway.

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I can understand why you would want to do this, but I see doing this as possibly making you look vindictive. You know the truth about her and are done with the relationship and her. Why cause yourself more grief by getting her parents involved in this since you really have no idea what they'll say and whether or not what they'll say will make you feel vindicated or not.

 

It would be one thing if this was effecting your life in some "real" way like your job or reputation with people other then her parents...

 

One of my main questions for you was whether or not this is affecting your reputation with your friends and the world at large. If not, then I don't really think it's the wisest thing to air your dirty laundry publicly since it could create more drama as opposed to closing this chapter of your life.

 

No matter what you decide to do, I'm sorry she cheated on you in the first place and sorry it had to end like this.

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Women like to paint a world where men are cheaters, and if a woman cheats its because the man did something wrong or better yet just pertend women don't cheat. Don't expect her families reactions to be the same as yours.

 

Agree with this, but a woman who was cheating during her honeymoon has likely already slandered OP to everyone within hearing distance, and I would bet any amount of money in worse ways than the "didn't work out" that he has been told, so that cat is already out of the bag and won't go back.

 

Bottom line nothing good will come out of this for you. Worst case scenario your ex starts creating new lies about you even worse then the "it just didn't work out."

 

The point here is not trying to obtain something good, but damage control. Telling the parents puts all parties on notice that OP is willing to speak out, to take action to preserve his reputation. This alone is likely to chill future slanders from the daughter, the sister, AND the parents. If they know OP is ashamed and cowed into silence, sky's the limit about the amount of slander they may spread. If they know he is aware and willing to speak out? There is strong disincentive for further slander. There is a small chance that this could enrage ex and create further slander, but the much greater chance that it will shut the whole family up is a good bet IMO.

 

OP hasn't told us where all these people are, what type of people they are, where they live. Are they in the same town, burb? Different states? different countries? We live in a very small world today, no matter how large it seems, and the automation of communication allows the effortless, instantaneous spread of lies and slander to 1000s of people. Between ex, SIL, and inlaws, that's literally THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of audience for future slanders. OP needs to signal clearly that he is proactively willing to address this situation, and won't be bullied into silence. Has nothing to do with vindictiveness or closure IMO.

 

As far as parents defending their kids, I'll also wager the parents of a woman capable of cheating on her honeymoon didn't just fall off the turnip truck where her behavior is concerned, this is unlikely their first rodeo.

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I can understand why you would want to do this, but I see doing this as possibly making you look vindictive. You know the truth about her and are done with the relationship and her. Why cause yourself more grief by getting her parents involved in this since you really have no idea what they'll say and whether or not what they'll say will make you feel vindicated or not.

 

 

 

One of my main questions for you was whether or not this is affecting your reputation with your friends and the world at large. If not, then I don't really think it's the wisest thing to air your dirty laundry publicly since it could create more drama as opposed to closing this chapter of your life.

 

No matter what you decide to do, I'm sorry she cheated on you in the first place and sorry it had to end like this.

 

My wife and I work at the same place. Fortunately, in different areas so we dont need to se each other each day. Many of our mutual friends at work still don't know what happened between us. However, if I don't start setting things straight, it definately will be my reputation on the line if people think I played a part in our marriage failing. I feel like I'm screwed either way. No matter what I do is going to affect me at work somehow. I don't tell - no drama and everyone thinks I somehow screwed us up. I do tell - my side of te story is out but the workplace rumor mill will create any drama I had hoped to avoid.

Edited by RaysofHope
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