sugarmomma Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Been dating this guy for a few weeks and I asked him about the last relationship. It lasted 2.5 years and they lived together for a part of that. I asked if he was unfaithful in the r and he admitted toward the end that he had been with someone else. I explained that cheating was a dealbreaker for me and he agreed but I'm seriously considering not moving forward with someone who problem solves by cheating. What if we have a conflict in our r? Just makes me wonder if cheating is how he escapes or runs from real problems that naturally occur in real relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
ditzchic Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Well you can never really predict the future and the fact that this guy was honest with you says a lot. It's a bit of a red flag but I wouldn't completely write him off because of it. He could have very easily lied when you asked him that question (cheaters are great liars). So be cautious, keep an eye open for other signs but give him the benefit of the doubt on this one for now. Everyone makes mistakes and it seems like he has taken responsibility for his. That's the most important part. Link to post Share on other sites
Jam3s Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Yeah I don't think it's something to throw the towel in about, did you ask him WHY he cheated on her? My gf cheated on her bf but after sitting down and discussing why she explained how he was emotionally and physically abused, unsporting and she felt like he did not care nor love her at all. Things like that could certainly lead people to cheat and I feel if they are in a healthy and happy relationship than they would have no reason to consider it again. Link to post Share on other sites
RiverRunning Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 It's promising that he admitted it to you, especially so early on. But now it's time to have a discussion about why he cheated and the work he's done on himself to ensure that it doesn't happen again. I'll outright say that this is risky. But he's been honest so far. It may well be that he's realized how foolish he was - and how much he never wants to cheat again. Tread cautiously, but I say see where it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 My husband cheated on his ex wife and it was the defining reason for their divorce. He told me about it right at the beginning of when we got to know one another, fully aware that it might drive me away. He was horrified with himself. He had been a big scoffer and judger of cheaters all his life, and felt superior to all of them. His marriage was a miserable wreck, but he did not blame that or his ex wife for his cheating. He took full responsibility. If this guy "owns it" fully and does not try to blame, rationalize or justify, and if he thinks he did wrong no matter what his circumstances, I would think he might be worth a chance. If you really really like him! Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 He cheated on his ex. Will he cheat again? ""A man who marries his mistress is only creating an opening for the position"" Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 The best predictor of future behavior by anyone is the record of their past behavior. At least after only a few weeks you know he has done it in a past relationship, so please do not be surprised when it happens to you. Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Yes. Thank him for his honesty and use that information to make an informed decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Yeah I don't think it's something to throw the towel in about, did you ask him WHY he cheated on her? My gf cheated on her bf but after sitting down and discussing why she explained how he was emotionally and physically abused, unsporting and she felt like he did not care nor love her at all. Things like that could certainly lead people to cheat and I feel if they are in a healthy and happy relationship than they would have no reason to consider it again. Every person in the world that gets caught cheating will think about pulling if not literally pull that card out and throw it on the table if the opportunity arises in order to get the betrayed to stop asking questions and leave things alone. Sadly all that does is make people skeptical of those who really do have those problems who DON'T CHEAT. Of course not every single person who claims abuse in years previous are lying, as I am sure many do suffer from abuse, but the "abuse" card is liberally applied when some people can't accept responsibility for their own actions. "Things like that" don't lead people to cheat. People cheat because they have terrible coping skills. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarmomma Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 People cheat because they have terrible coping skills. My point exactly. I have thought about cheating in the past but I knew the hurt that it would have caused and decided I didn't want to be that person. I would rather cope with my feelings by trying to resolve issues as opposed to going to find another person to "take away my pain". And if that's how he copes with discomfort or conflict in a relationship it may be a problem. When we have a disagreement he does get withdrawn and tends to sulk whereas I would like to resolve it and be happy again. I don't know about this guy. Problem solving skills are a priority for me now when considering a mate. Link to post Share on other sites
reallypo Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 MY ex cheated on his ex. My ex cheated on me. Link to post Share on other sites
lululucy Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 My ex cheated on me, and he's been cheating on his current girlfriend since they started going out (first with me, now with random girls). I don't know if he cheated on his girlfriend before me but that was in high school about five years before we met. Be wary although I don't know that I'd write him off entirely. My ex certainly didn't tell me if he'd cheated on his ex before me and he didn't tell the girl he is dating now until he got caught. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 I wouldn't necessarily give him the axe after hearing that, but I'd be on the lookout for conflict avoiding behavior, and other dysfunctional coping mechanisms........or any red flags of cheating behavior. I'd recommend taking it very slow, and keeping your eyes wide open , before you invest too much of your emotional currency. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Most guys who have cheated in the past will cheat again...it shows a lack of self-control and respect for the other person in the relationship. However when It's put at the forefront of the relationship and a woman gives stiff consequences to such actions and backs up what she says, he may avoid and reconsider committing those actions. But you'd be a fool to take his word for it and dismiss it altogether, it's something you need to worry about and if you're not comfortable with that then you can choose to leave the relationship. However once again, he didn't have to admit it to you and may lie to the next girl because of this lesson...and most capable/good-looking guys in my opinion will cheat at one point or another due to temptation and lack of care from women who don't really mind if a man is married, has a gf or what not which is more than a few indeed. Link to post Share on other sites
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