Not Sure ; Hang in There for a Few More Weeks or Jump Ship?

[candybars21]

Here's my deal:

 

I met this guy about a month ago who lives far away from me. We hit it off immediately, but I knew he had a girlfriend, so I didn't pursue him...he pursued me. About two weeks into things, when things had progressed to a point where I would consider it cheating, he said he was feeling very guilty and we needed to step back from the situation, so I suggested taking a bit of a break from one another. I gave a time frame, but he kept emailing me during the "break."

 

Before this happened, I told him I felt very guilty about enabling him to cheat on his girlfriend. I told him if this was happening, there was a severe issue with him and his girlfriend and he agreed saying he knows he probably needs to break things off with her, but he's very confused.

 

I should also say that this guy seems to be a serial monogamist and hasn't been single in several years, going from one girl to the other.

 

I asked him if he would have realized all this had he met me and he said no, that he fell for me and it made him realize he was having issues with his gf and claims this has never happened to him before, etc.

 

He lives far away from me (and his gf lives away from him too), so I'm going to go visit him in a couple of weeks, however he hasn't told his girlfriend anything. He's mentioned wanting to break things off with his gf to be with me, but I told him that put way too much pressure on me because I don't know him well enough to make a commitment to a relationship together. However, we've agreed that after the visit, decisions will be made (which may include me saying "F off.")

 

I understand he and his girlfriend have been together for a long time and they've become part of one another's social circles and families...however the longer he doesn't break it off with her or at least tell her, the more I'm wondering about him in general. It makes me feel like I'm being an idiot to keep entertaining this. I understand you can fall for someone else when you're with someone and it can take a while to decide things like this, but I'm not waiting around forever and this whole situation is very unfair to her. I believe she thinks things are fine and has even suggested that they get engaged (to which he told me "Hell no, I don't want to get engaged!").

 

When I talk to friends, I get conflicting messages. Some say I should just abandon ship, others tell me to stick it out for a few more weeks, etc. The thing is, I'm not wanting him to break it off with her to be with me necessarily, because I'm not sure that that's what I want...but the longer it goes on with her thinking everything is fine, the worse I feel.

 

We still talk daily, but we've cut out some of the stuff that made it so wildly inappropriate....although we still openly admit to having feelings for one another. Ugh.

 

Help?

[candybars21]

You're probably right.

 

And yeah, I am planning on moving where he lives (not for him at all...that would have happened regardless of if I had met him or not). The thing is, no matter the outcome of the situation, we will still have to be in touch due to work.

 

Not that this makes anything better, but his girlfriend does know about my visit...but not the extent of what happened between us. If she knew, she would NOT be okay with it.

Edited November 25, 2011 by candybars21

[DrImho]

If I'm too blunt, then don't take it personally.

 

First, let me say that by your incredibly good writing, spelling and grammar, and by the way you logically lay out an argument, I can tell that you are an educated and intelligent woman.

 

The fact that you are suffering enough emotional stress to post your worries online proves, once again, that emotions run deep in even the most brilliant of people!

 

So here's how I see it:

 

First, this guy is a [censored]. He may be nice and caring and all that, but the fact is that he is actively cheating on his girlfriend. The moment someone starts hiding their feelings from their significant other and telling another person of the opposite sex (or same sex for gay/lesbian/bisexual people), it becomes cheating.

 

So, that makes you the other woman.

 

Second, this guy has no [testosterone-producing organs] in the figurative sense. Why actively try to start up a new relationship when you're already in one? Some may call it double dipping, some may call it fulfilling an emotional need that isn't being met in the current relationship. I call it plain old cowardice, and this is ultimately what all cheaters are.

 

Third, this guy is actively pursuing it after you made the right decision to back off. You told him you were uncomfortable and felt guilty and you wanted to back away for a while, but he kept sending you emails and chasing you. This makes him either a creep or a sleaze. In either case, it's not flattering.

 

The question you need to ask yourself, and I wish everybody about to be involved with a cheater asked, is "Do you want to be with a cheating, cowardly sleaze?" I'm sure when you were a little girl that's not the type of man you pictured yourself falling for.

 

As I said, you are obviously intelligent and a certain amount of maturity comes with intelligence like yours. Show yourself to be the mature one and tell him flat-out "Go away". It may be painful for a little while, because you obviously have feelings for this creep, but in the end it is THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

 

As an intelligent woman, I'm sure you can understand this.

[candybars21]

I called him into question and he wasn't too pleased with it and told me we need to be "just friends" as though it was his idea. He also says he wants to fall back in love with his girlfriend and is working really hard to do so (so, evidently for about 10 hours at the time of that exchange he had been working hard to do so because 10 hours earlier he had professed how much he wanted me).

 

I told him he was an idiot in so many words and he's not pleased with me. He still speaks to me sometimes, but he's very cold. He keeps insisting "I know this is hard for you..." and I'm like "Um, no, I'm not the one who's at risk of f-ing up a long-term relationship. I'll be just fine without you...yeah I have feelings for you, but I'm sure they'll go away in time and I'll still live. And I'll be free of this drama!"

 

I have to see him in a couple of months for work stuff, but hopefully it will be blown over by then. Who knows. I waft back and forth between missing him and not caring. I am glad this craziness is over....I do miss him as I think we would be a great couple...except for this (which is huge).

 

From what he's said, I don't really understand why he's with his girlfriend or why he's continuing it or "working to salvage" his relationship with her....but that's just me. I think he's afraid to be alone.