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A question regarding a friend of mine


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One of my best girl friends is dating this guy next door. Over the summer, he broke up with my friend (after over a year of dating), so that he could sleep with one of the girls who used to live here. When she moved to Ohio, he told my friend that he wanted her to be his girlfriend again. She asked, "Why?" and he said that he "didn't want to talk about it." She took him back. When she did, my reaction was...well, more mellow than what was going on in my head. I asked her if she was happy. She said yes, so I dropped it at the time, and told her I was happy for her. She has had issues in the past about being with boys just because she doesn't want to be alone, but I know she can do better than this guy. This guy is classy, has good taste in movies...but he's a raging alcoholic, and has a very caustic personality. Which brings me to the problem that happened last night. He was at our house, completely trashed, and he started insulting everyone (he's very opinionated. a trait that is worse when he's intoxicated). I admit, one of the other girls who lives here helped his fraternity brothers egg him on, and at first I thought that it was funny, but when I saw the look on my friend's face, I stopped laughing, and just wanted to end the evening. I thought she was only angry with the situation, but when she came upstairs with me, she told me that she was embarrassed as well. She said he's not like this when he's sober (but he's drunk every weekend...at least), and that it's only when he's like he was last night that she can't stand him. She's embarrassed that people will see this behavior and associate him with her, and think, "Oh yeah...that's *'s boyfriend..." (insert judgmental look here). However, my other qualm is that he's verbally abusive to her even when he's sober (he is to everyone - not that that's an excuse), and even though he doesn't beat her or anything of that nature, I still hate him just a little more every time he's rude to her in public. She takes it well - pretending he's joking (or believing it, since he probably is. albeit inappropriately), and I think everyone else just ignores it. She seems independent and in control of her life when I talk to her, and always talks outside of the context of her relationship, but I don't know how she really feels about him, or what role he plays in her life. She doesn't seem to like to talk about the relationship...good or bad, especially since the incident over the summer.

 

I don't want to say anything harmful, and all I feel I can do at the moment is support her no matter what. If she says she's happy, then...what can I do? I don't want to be the friend she hates because I spoke my mind to blatantly about her jerk-off boyfriend, and I'd feel terrible if she really is happy with him, but I've only happened to see the bad parts...On the other hand, I fell like someone should intervene. She deserves someone who respects her in public, no matter how nice he is to her when they're alone. Has anyone been in a similar situation? If so, what did you do, and how did it work out? I think she could end up with this guy forever, but I'm kind of hoping the relationship will just run its course. We graduate in a year and a half. Hopefully they'll end up on opposite sides of the continent.

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Mint,

It's almost impossible to convince someone that their love interest is a less than disireable match. They spend more time with the jerk than you do....and still choose to remain loyal and dilusional.

 

In your friend's case....does she have a Dad who drinks heavily and verbally abusive? What you see as 'awful' ...she may be seeing as 'normal'. My concern would be her riding in a car when he's driving or *GASP* considering him as the possible father of her future children.

 

You are being a good friend for standing by.....and being there when she needs you....and SHE WILL!

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Arabess,

 

Thanks. I don't know what her home situation is, but I do know that her parents are divorced. It is a possibility that her father was either an alcoholic, or maybe he was just emotionally and verbally abusive. Her boyfriend drinks "responsibly" - in that he doesn't drink and go out and do stupid things, and he does not drive (at all. None of us do. We don't own cars up here), or I would worry for her safety, but I am maily concerned that this guy will end up being her "one" and they will live unhappily ever after. My boyfriend's grandmother put up with alcoholism for years and claims she was happy despite it, but I've heard from the entire family that apart from the addiction, my boyfriend's grandfather was a wonderful, loving man. This boy is not. His low self esteem is probably the cause of his drinking, and he has been kind of a jackass since I met him. I tried to just ignore him, but then he and my friend hooked up...two years ago. *sigh* I wish it had been a passing fling, lol.

 

So I won't say anything, but I really will be there for her when (and if) she needs me. Thanks for the advice.

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