boyfriend still seeing x girlfriend

[Mary3]

My boyfriend told me when we met that he had mostly * girls * for friends.

I tried to be open-minded and pretty much accepted that with his personality he felt more comfortable having girls as friends.

 

From the very beginning he kept in contact with his ex girlfriend * Judy *. He would receive calls from her and he would take them. ( while we were in the car together for instance ) He would say " We are good friends now " She seemed to call almost on a daily basis. Going further into our new relationship he would say he was going out with a friend. Later he would off-handedly mention it was with his x girlfriend * Judy *

 

The first time this happened I called my best girlfriend and told her I didnt want to create waves but was uncomfortable with the fact that he was out with his x girlfriend.

 

The second time it happend ( he told me he could not come over to see me that nite ) and instead went out with her. I was left a message of this fact on my answering machine. I was upset and really tried to ignore it and analyze my feelings . Then I called him and he mentioned in an offhanded way they were out together and having fun. She spoke into the phone and say " I'm stealing your boyfriend for a little while , haha " and they both laughed.

 

I was not laughing

 

I felt very bad and have continued to feel this way for many hours now as I cannot sleep. I feel that she is doing the " Please come over I dont want to be alone " and he feels obligated to go there. I feel that his obligation to her happiness is OVER . If he wanted to still see her he should be with her but its my understanding they broke up because she did not want a committed relationship.

 

Why does he keep going over there to be with her. ? We are in a committed relationship but ONE of us is not keeping the promise to see other people. Even if that person just so happens to be his x girlfriend. What is the potential given he still has some feelings for her ( he says no ) that something could happen between a man and a woman who previously were in a relationship ?

 

Am I being paranoid ? I dont want to feel bad and would rather go back to being single than feeling this horrible knowing he sees her...according to him....as a friend ( I am not saying he is cheating )

 

Is it okay if I call him and say " Hey Honey my old boyfriend John is feeling pretty lonely tonite so I am over at his house right now...Is that Okay Honey " ?

 

 

Any advice will be appreciated

[rowina]

hopefully i can offer some advice.

tell him this REALLY makes you uncomfortable. yeah he'll say you are insecure. but so is she because she is still depending on him, and he is catering to her.

 

dont let yourself be placed second here, yeah i wonder how he would feel if you did tell him your at your ex's house because he feels lonely.

there is potential for something if he still has feelings for her, which he feels something for her because there he is and here you are. Ask him to define your relationship together. Don' NOT say anything. I have let things eat away at me and its never good to do to yourself.

[Mary3]

Thank you so much...Everyone I have asked has said its normal to feel like this...I just want him to clarify and be honest....I dont think I want to marry someone who is still feeling something for someone else..

Thanks again

[dlb311]

I would talk to him seriously. He must still have feelings for her. Some people can stay friends after a relationship ends but its not common. I would feel the same as you. I would be worried. Talk to him and if you get the feeling he is still hung up on her tell him you really liked him and wanted this to work but this is not the kind of relationship you had in mind. I am sure he will get it. And time will tell. He will realize that his ex just wants him because he is with someone else now or he will let her play with him for ever more and if that is so you are better off with out him.

 

Good luck

[Arabess]

Hey these posters are being nice! If I had a boyfriend and he was still hanging out with, visiting, calling his EX....he wouldn't be my boyfriend very long!!!!

 

I would tell him he has a week to help her smooth out her silly assed problems. As a matter of fact, he would have ALL WEEK to just deal with her...because I would not be available. At the end of that week....let him call you with news that it's over between them....or you are out the door for good.

 

Again, if she was a female friend....that's one thing. But an EX....NO WAY!

[Melinda]

Well I was very naive then wasn't I! My boyfriend was in contact with his ex (she would call ALL THE TIME mainly trying to cause trouble between us I think) and he just kept saying he talks to her so she doesn't cause trouble, and I said whether what's your idea of trouble? I said it's causing trouble for me whether you like it or not...anyway 7 months later she finally stopped calling...but she's got problems, if she sees him she'll go up and harrass him, and will probably start calling again...i'm a bit paranoid about that because she ****ed him around and hurt him so i really hope he doesn't still feel like he has unfinshed business with her???

 

And not only that he let her say bad stuff about me and I would hardly ever hear him say anything back to her that was sticking up for me!

 

But those days have been gone for a couple of months now, but if it starts again, I'm going to tell him to either get rid of her, or i'll be out the door. fair plan?

[Mary3]

Thank you all once again

 

I talked with him and he said he honestly did not realize he was doing anything wrong. But I emphasized very strongly that I could not tolerate him seeing her and he was causing me pain and confusion.

 

Now of course , if he continues to see her ( and God forbid behind my back ) then it is OVER. !

 

I think another interesting solution if he does see her again is for me to get back to the many other men that have asked me out and tell him " Oh I am going out with Greg tonite " and let him have a taste of his own medicine..

 

Marry him....not on your life !

 

I think all his females friends would drive me buggy ! lol

[Melinda]

How could you go out with someone who ditched you for his ex for a night of fun? That's telling you he doesn't want to see you because he'd rather see his ex. he still visits her?!?! This sounds really bad dude!

 

At the start of my relationship my bf had a couple of calls from his ex, she called, he said he couldn't talk, then she called straight back and didn't care that he was in the middle of driving and didn't have his hands-free kit in the car for his phone...

 

anyway he dropped me home and said "she wants me to sell her phone for her" i said "why can't she do that herself" "oh she says i know how it all works" i thought that was a load of crap and i refused to get out of the car and said well if it's harmles i'm coming too but eventually he cracked the ****s so i left...and she smsed him saying "im home alone, u can cum over to look at the phone if u want" so I don't know if he actually went to her house or just to the shop to sell the phone or what. She also messaged him to "cum and have lunch with me" so I really hope he has never done that since we were together!?

 

I would hate to keep bringing him up but until he finally sets me straight on what went on that day i can't really let it go?

 

because a few months later we went into one of the shops that deals with buying and selling and I said "so is this where you came with your ex?" and he ummed and ahhhed and said he didn't know that "he thinks so"....i mean there was only 2 of them on the street how could he not remember?!

[Mary3]

I AGREE its a line of crap to have the x gf..call and need things and the bf runs over there...Its always a bad sign...no matter how * Nice * he professes to be...He says he wants to go to a xmas party with her after all this.and would it be okay with me ?? humppph......Now there are no more chances...If he does or mentions her name again I am going to tell him we are now officially * not engaged or in an exclusive relationship

 

Its going to go something like this : You can see whomever you want...and I am going to see whomever I want...The committed part of our relationship is over...She does NOT even know that he loves me...or has told her that fact...no wonder shes hanging on...This blame is now going directly to him...

[Arabess]

Mary,

He's beginning to remind me of men who cheat on their wives. They are 'too nice' to get a divorce, but 'too horny' to break it off with the girlfriend.

 

I think his lack of judgement would cause me to take him off the list as a potential candidate for being a husband.

 

I know it's easier said than done when you love someone. To make it worse, you probably know she'll GLOAT if she manages to break you guys up. There's alot of emotions which go in relationships which are 'triangular' in nature. Most of the time you feel you can't win for loosing. It's annoying and heart breaking.

 

However, the responsibility is HIS....to protect you and make you feel loved and secure. He isn't doing those things. He's sitting on the fence like a Spineless Wonder!

 

Keep us posted as to what happens though. Whatever you decide to do..we are all on YOUR side....okay???

 

Arabess

[Mary3]

I just want to say Yesterday was a very beautiful day

I wanted to see if he felt resentment but his wonderful affection and the man that I love are still there. He was sooo loving and then we went out had a great time and he spent the nite.

 

I was ready for the arsenal of " Do you feel any resentment ? But he was sooo happpy to see me that I think either he is coming to terms with this or he is really trying.

 

No matter what though : I still stand by the contention that he must respect my feelings to not see her anymore. IF HE DOES then no matter what it is OVER.

 

It kinda reminded me of an alcoholic who begs for just one more....when he asked to go the xmas party with her I felt like he was so used to her attention that it was like an addiction for the attention.

 

NO I dont want someone who has issues and ONLY TIME WILL TELL if he is being sincere.

 

I have to wonder ( but dont want to ) if when hes not with me is he with her ? Now since he has been spending all his time with me and because I am not a jealous person I tend to give him the benefit of the doubt. But he should not underestimate me ...

 

I should not have to feel anxiety or wonder...and he was soo attentive and loving and we spent many hours together. I think he may have realized I was not kidding and what he had to lose here....

 

If he values me and wants this to be forever then he has to be consistant with his promise.

[BettyBoo]

Hi ,

 

I have posted a similar situation on the friends and lovers forum titled' Platonic friends . should I be concerned.? I know it can be a really undermining situation and does not help the relationship long term. Do not let anyone outside your relationship call the shots. There is only room for two., I know if my boyfriend continues to see his ex lover I am dropping him. Anyone who continues to cause you upset is not worth loving.