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why do so many couples ban opp sex friends?


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i just talked to one of my friends about it who just started dating this guy and he has some female friends and she is making him cut contact with them or she'll leave. according to her, he isn't flirty and he wants them all to meet but she doesn't care! i think it's ridiculous. i told her so and she says i am the one who is whacked in the head!

 

i feel comfortable with my bf enough (we are ltr) for him to have female friends and see some of them without me sometimes (most times he now brings me along, i don't even ask him to, he just wants to). i have met all his friends both male and female. i also have a good handful of guy friends and he has met them too.

 

i think this is ideal but i see a lot of posts about how couples "ban" opposite sex friends. isn't that really restrictive and unrealistic? i don't get it at all. i told my friend "you can't ban your bf from having friends with half of all people right off the bat!"

 

i wonder if this sort of attitude is what further perpetuates the myth that males and females can't be friends and makes people cheat because they never really learn how to have opp sex friends.

 

can someone please shed some light on this for me?

 

as long as the other partner knows about the opp sex friends and maybe meets them, and there is no flirting, i don't see how it's this serious broach.

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PegNosePete

Yes it is restrictive and unrealistic. Any GF I got who tried to make me cut contact with my female friends would soon get the boot. I won't be controlled like that. There's nothing wrong with opposite sex friends as long as you respect the boundaries of the relationship, ie. no staying overnight alone, going on "dates" alone, etc.

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Citizen Erased

I think your friend is in the wrong. Her actions scream insecurity.

 

Unless one of my husbands friends was nasty to me personally or crossed a line with him, they're just like his male friends to me. His female best friend was one of my bridesmaids, it would be stupid of me to not embrace her and be jealous and make him cut her off.

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The circumstances before and after dating dictate my response to this.

 

When you start dating someone, or are looking to, it's important for you to find out what their circumstances are. Are they friends with exes? Are they friends with other girls? I feel a person is totally within their rights to say, "Look, been there and done that - I don't want to date someone who's still talking to an ex. See ya."

 

I DON'T feel it's fair to see the circumstances, to know that they're friends, then start demanding they change their lives once you start dating. That's not cool. The only exception to this is if he lied about being friends with women, they started dating, and then he unloads it on her. If she's not comfortable with it, she's not comfortable with it - and again I wouldn't blame her if she said, "You knew my stance on this, see ya later."

 

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with opposite-sex, heterosexual friends. But I think contact should generally be restricted and not one-on-one when you're in a relationship.

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I moved into a really hip loft complex about 7 years ago- and I became best friends with my male neighbour. We did everything together, his door was 10 feet from my door. We truly did become best friends- and for 2 years, we hung out all the time. He let my dogs out, I fed his cats, we hung out in large groups... I was new to the area so his friends became my friends- it was great.

 

Until he met a girl... She forbade him from having any female friends. She was such a wretchid girl, rude, ignorant, jealous and incredibly controlling.

 

About 3 months into their relationship- she banned him from talking to me (I lived next door!!). She moved in with him, and it became so awkward. There was one night she banged on my door drunk at 3am while I was sleeping to yell at me and tell me I was never to text or talk to her bf again. Because he'd text me to come out and meet them. She was a lunatic.

 

It was sad really, I was new to the city- developed a close relationship with my neighbour and all of his extended group of friends for 2 years- then this girl came along and banned all single females from being apart of the friend group. I lived next door to him- and I would hear them having their regular Fri/Sat get togethers that I'd always been a part of- or had hosted at my place... And I was sitting at home alone just hearing the fun but being excluded from it because she was jealous of him having any female friends.

 

The group of friends would come and knock on my door and have a couple drinks with me and tell me they hated his GF, but no one ever stood up for me because she called the shots.

 

I never had any sort of romantic relationship with her bf- we were only ever friends. I was 10 years older than her- and she still felt threatened by me.

 

I felt like I was back in highschool dealing with this outcast stuff- when I was in my 30's, my neighbour 3 years younger than me, and his gf 7 years younger than him.

 

I would have no issue with my bf having female friends- but that's just me.

 

It's all about insecurity. My ex male friend gave up all of his college female friends, and all of his childhood female friends for this woman. He married her....

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It's a very strange topic and it really does vary from couple to couple. My boyfriend and I have a pretty good rule:

 

Don't play with fire.

 

This is pretty much a non-issue for us as he doesn't have many friends that are girls - none that are close enough to him where he'd hang out with them one-on-one and I can say that about my small number of friends that are guys. In fact, the only guys I do hang out with one-on-one are a few of my close gay friends from HS and college.

 

Don't play with fire basically entails keeping our as$es away from making "friendships" with people we find sexually attractive or with people that we think may find us attractive. It's trouble. Of course I know romantic feelings can always develop for someone you never thought attractive to begin with. And though it might sound insecure, stupid, immature - I think we avoid a lot of problems this way and to be honest my life isn't going to be spoiled, denied or ruined because I'm not having one-on-one lunch dates with a super-hot male co-worker. I can live without it. I don't feel like I'm being controlled or restricted. It just simplifies things.

 

Can guys and girls just be friends? My boyfriend and I have talked this over a few times and we both end up with the same conclusion: "Maybe but I don't think so." Jury is still out I'm afraid.

 

oh! and a side-note to men - if you start dating a girl that states she doesn't get along with other girls (insert stupid reason here. IE: girls are soooo jealous of her or she doesn't like "dealing with the emotions of girls") and she only hangs out with guys - run like the wind. If a girl can't get along with her own gender.....it's a huge red flag.

Edited by vsmini
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It's a very strange topic and it really does vary from couple to couple. My boyfriend and I have a pretty good rule:

 

Don't play with fire.

 

This is pretty much a non-issue for us as he doesn't have many friends that are girls - none that are close enough to him where he'd hang out with them one-on-one and I can say that about my small number of friends that are guys. In fact, the only guys I do hang out with one-on-one are a few of my close gay friends from HS and college.

 

Don't play with fire basically entails keeping our as$es away from making "friendships" with people we find sexually attractive or with people that we think may find us attractive. It's trouble. Of course I know romantic feelings can always develop for someone you never thought attractive to begin with. And though it might sound insecure, stupid, immature - I think we avoid a lot of problems this way and to be honest my life isn't going to be spoiled, denied or ruined because I'm not having one-on-one lunch dates with a super-hot male co-worker. I can live without it. I don't feel like I'm being controlled or restricted. It just simplifies things.

 

Can guys and girls just be friends? My boyfriend and I have talked this over a few times and we both end up with the same conclusion: "Maybe but I don't think so." Jury is still out I'm afraid.

 

oh! and a side-note to men - if you start dating a girl that states she doesn't get along with other girls (insert stupid reason here. IE: girls are soooo jealous of her or she doesn't like "dealing with the emotions of girls") and she only hangs out with guys - run like the wind. If a girl can't get along with her own gender.....it's a huge red flag.

 

a huge red flag for what? I've known some girls that only befriends guys.

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shadowofman

I'm opposed to women that only befriend guys. And there are too many of them out there.

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a huge red flag for what? I've known some girls that only befriends guys.

 

9 times out of 10 the girl is just looking for that extra attention and validation. sure men bring some things to the table in terms of friendship - I'm not slamming men but when a girl only wants to be friends with men it says a lot.

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LoveandSuch

I have thought about this subject, can men and females be platonic friends. It depends on the dynamics of the relationship.

In regards to women not wanting their SO being friends with other women, or vice versa, it is common. The severity of the rules placed, I have seen, has to do with how many trust issues in a]the relationship have already been crossed. If a woman is dating a man who loves women, has a roaming eye, the rule will be placed with an iron hand. If the joker is getting what he wants sexually from the lady, he will dodge his friends cause he is slimey and friendships are not important to him.

I have also witnessed many thoroughly wonderful relationships, where trust was not an issue, where both sides have many friends of the opposite sex. Not an issue.

 

With women, if you take the extra time to let them know you are a sweet person, this enables their gaurds to lower, and friendship is possible. If they continue with BS and such, then they are not worth being friends with.

I have read a sad story, regarding Marilyn Monroe, and people who were closest to her. They all said she was the nicest, sweetest, interesting, down to earth and surprisingly an intellegent women. They were particularly sad in remembering that she had tried and wanted to be friends with women and have girlfriends, but no one would accept her and befriend her. She was very lonely as a result. She was never known to be a red flag, mean, bitchy, or competitive and her end result was still zero women friends. So, I do not think in all cases, the meaning can be generalized to all.

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jnj express

Situation dictates whether a specific friend needs to be deleted

 

If there is inappropriate activity, or if there has been previous cheating---then the friend that these things occurred with, should be gone

 

Problem for the betrayed, then becomes they don't trust their partner with anyone, so IMHO it depends on the situation

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NoReallyThatHappened

It really depends on the situation.

 

In my current R, my BF has several close female friends. Prior to our relationship he was also staying in contact with a few women from casual relationships. Once we were committed he stopped contact with the women he had dated or had some kind of romantic involvement with. His female friends, who are only and who have always been only friends, he still talks to, though perhaps not as frequently. I have no problems with any of the friendships. They all know about me and life is good. I totally trust that he can be friends with these women and it will not have some kind of negative impact on our relationship and I don't think he would ever cheat with any of them. If he wanted to take it to the next level with one of his lady friends he would have done that before I came along.

 

I don't like to stay in contact with my ex's anyway, so letting go of nut jobs from my past has never been an issue for me. I do have one guy friend that I hang out with from time to time. It's not awkward or weird for us to be alone together and we occasionally grab lunch. My BF has met him and it's never been a problem.

 

My exBF had a band of orbiting exGFs and let me tell you...that is NOT conducive to having a relationship. He would go to an exGFs (dated for 2 years) house every week, alone, and not invite me watch TV and hang out with her. I think it was normal for him to spend the night there too though he would never admit it to me. He also would have lunch behind my back with another exGF (dated over 3 years) and email her all kinds of inappropriate things. Anyway, I ruled that situation with an iron fist and said it's me or them. He chose me, but he always resented me for that. After we broke up he told me he wasn't going to let the next GF control his choice of friends. I wished him good luck with that!! Of course as soon as I was out of the picture both ex's were back in it. The man wonders why he can't get any quality women to stick around. Is there really a question about that? Ha!

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I have thought about this subject, can men and females be platonic friends. It depends on the dynamics of the relationship.

In regards to women not wanting their SO being friends with other women, or vice versa, it is common. The severity of the rules placed, I have seen, has to do with how many trust issues in a]the relationship have already been crossed. If a woman is dating a man who loves women, has a roaming eye, the rule will be placed with an iron hand. If the joker is getting what he wants sexually from the lady, he will dodge his friends cause he is slimey and friendships are not important to him.

I have also witnessed many thoroughly wonderful relationships, where trust was not an issue, where both sides have many friends of the opposite sex. Not an issue.

 

With women, if you take the extra time to let them know you are a sweet person, this enables their gaurds to lower, and friendship is possible. If they continue with BS and such, then they are not worth being friends with.

I have read a sad story, regarding Marilyn Monroe, and people who were closest to her. They all said she was the nicest, sweetest, interesting, down to earth and surprisingly an intellegent women. They were particularly sad in remembering that she had tried and wanted to be friends with women and have girlfriends, but no one would accept her and befriend her. She was very lonely as a result. She was never known to be a red flag, mean, bitchy, or competitive and her end result was still zero women friends. So, I do not think in all cases, the meaning can be generalized to all.

 

this had to be a jealously factor for monroe. she was a knockout!

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He chose me, but he always resented me for that. After we broke up he told me he wasn't going to let the next GF control his choice of friends. I wished him good luck with that!! Of course as soon as I was out of the picture both ex's were back in it. The man wonders why he can't get any quality women to stick around. Is there really a question about that? Ha!

 

Can't agree with you more. I get that there are two very heated camps here: "It's okay to be friends with exes" and "It's not okay to be exes." I think there are far more reasons for the latter category than the former. There's probably always at least going to be a physical attraction between the two; they share a past; and if they're able to be FRIENDS now, that probably blots out whatever troubles led to their break-up in the first place. I also think a lot of couples break up, but since they don't want to 'really break up,' they keep up contact and form a weird sort of friendship. Usually it seems at least one partner still has feelings and clings to the ex; and the other who doesn't probably keeps it going to have a second option or an ego boost.

 

It's just not fair to bring a new partner into that dynamic. I'm sorry, but a guy being in contact with his ex (unless they have kids) is a total deal-breaker. I think there's nothing stranger than keeping around a harem of ex-friends. I'm sorry, but I don't want to get to know the guy's exes, I don't want them giving me advice on OUR relationship, and I don't want to have to feel like I can't escape his past. If his past is done and over with, why is it clouding over the relationship?

 

That obviously applies to actual friendships, and not just the pop-in-and-see-how-you-are bit - but even just checking in from time-to-time would make me question why he feels the need. At least if he's friends with her I can say, "They're emotionally close." But when they're not, what's the motivation for getting in touch with her? If she's so little part of his life...why does he care to know how she is? There are plenty of people I wonder about, but especially if it's getting in touch with an ex when I'm with someone new, I just feel it's entirely inappropriate. And there are more than enough threads here indicating that often seems to be the set-up for infidelity.

 

Most guys aren't going to meet women who will stick around for long, and they're not going to be in healthy relationships, if they choose to mire themselves in their past in the present. The "You can't control me" bit is the best part about it.

 

My partner was SO not over his ex when we started dating and I tried to keep my mouth shut for fear I was being unreasonably 'jealous' for wayyy too long. Caused tons and tons of damage and self-esteem problems, and rightfully so. Too often all of this is blamed on the partner who feels jealous while the guy gets a free pass to do whatever he wants shy of making out with or sleeping with another girl. I also got the 'controlling' bit when I asked for compromises - i.e., that he not leave photos of his ex in easy-to-access places when he knew I used the computer (not that I was snooping, but it sure was pleasant when I'd save pictures and her pictures would pop up!) I thought it was blatantly disrespectful to me to leave it out like that, along with all of the hordes of other things he did. I never asked him to get rid of the pictures - although yes, I wish he would. He never looks at them and he'll probably never look at them anyway, so why is he holding on? But I wouldn't say it to him, because no matter how I feel, he has the right to keep the pictures. Just not keep them everywhere to the extent that I can't go anywhere in our house for fear I'm going to run into her image.

 

But that's just someone trying to defend their harm-inducing behavior, and it's a common excuse for someone who's defensive. When you try to lay out your boundaries or even offer compromises, they'll throw it back on you and say you're "controlling." There is nothing wrong with saying something makes you uncomfortable, and that your boyfriend should put you first instead of his EXES. But when someone wants to do whatever they feel like, they'll just call you 'controlling' to try and bully you into shutting your mouth.

 

Yes, I think there is a fine line between setting your boundaries and being controlling. But if someone is doing something that hurts you, you have every right to say, "This needs to stop happening or I can't stay." That's not being controlling, that's admitting that you're not going to have someone wipe their feet on you and hurt you.

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"why do so many couples ban opp sex friends?"

 

Because although some of your opposite sex friends will be just friends, some may secretly be romantically attracted to you. Since all relationships will have ups and downs, there is a worry that on a down phase an opposite sex friend with romantic attraction to you will exploit this by giving you bad advice to exacerbate the problem. They would do this in the hopes of making you available to them. The more attractive that your mate feels that you are, the more this will be a worry.

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There are a lot of people that are skeptical, and I can tell you I love male friends far more than female friends as a woman. I just like the male perspective on life, they are such simple minded creatures (its cute really). But I would say, everyone that is skeptical has every right to be. Its tricky to become really close to a member of the opposite sex and not cross boundaries. I trust the guys I am with, until they prove me otherwise. Same with friends of the opposite sex of any guy I'm with, unless that individual shows me behavior that I would consider the crossing of boundaries, I would not find anything wrong with something I have and enjoy in my life.

 

It all comes down to trust. I loved my ex, but I wouldn't give up my friends for him (nor did he ask me), because now that I'm nursing the broken heart from him, these are the guys that are making me laugh everyday and that are attempting to listen to me and that will be here for me regardless of who or what is bothering me.

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I find it completely insecure. If someone has to do something like that s/he has to stop dating people and deal with his:her own insecurity issues.

 

Like someone says, a relationship is not everything it can end after a few months, and when you are left heartbroken your friends are there to help you heal and recover.

I know my friends would accept and wait for me if I told them I cannot see them because of a boyfriend, and that only tells me that I won't ever ban my male friends because of a boyfriend.

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SincereOnlineGuy
i just talked to one of my friends about it who just started dating this guy and he has some female friends and she is making him cut contact with them or she'll leave. according to her, he isn't flirty and he wants them all to meet but she doesn't care! i think it's ridiculous. i told her so and she says i am the one who is whacked in the head!

 

i feel comfortable with my bf enough (we are ltr) for him to have female friends and see some of them without me sometimes (most times he now brings me along, i don't even ask him to, he just wants to). i have met all his friends both male and female. i also have a good handful of guy friends and he has met them too.

 

i think this is ideal but i see a lot of posts about how couples "ban" opposite sex friends. isn't that really restrictive and unrealistic? i don't get it at all. i told my friend "you can't ban your bf from having friends with half of all people right off the bat!"

 

i wonder if this sort of attitude is what further perpetuates the myth that males and females can't be friends and makes people cheat because they never really learn how to have opp sex friends.

 

can someone please shed some light on this for me?

 

as long as the other partner knows about the opp sex friends and maybe meets them, and there is no flirting, i don't see how it's this serious broach.

 

 

 

The "banning" part is wrong, of course, but the only reason heterosexual men have any interest in being "friends" with similar-aged heterosexual women who are not family or work-related, is because they see themselves as being IN-LINE for their romantic affections.

 

This is not merely about "opposite sex friends". It does not apply uniformly to women, who, for having the p*ssy and thus the power, long ago needed to sort and relegate some to the "friends" classification.

 

Check out http://www.laddertheory.com for further understanding.

 

Your, um, "friend" has the right idea, but the main question involves whether she can manipulate him into reducing ties with these so-called "friends" without unmasking the bulk of her insecurity in the process.

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Memphis Raines

as long as the other partner knows about the opp sex friends and maybe meets them, and there is no flirting, i don't see how it's this serious broach.

 

most people don't object to opposite sex friends.

 

its having opposite sex friends they hang out with ALONE, or as a group and it seems that the significant other is excluded for some reason.

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i agree with you in that having exes around isn't cool. i have one ex (i left, good terms) that i talk to on the phone once in a great while but that's it. he's quite ill these days (much older) so i want to know what's up.

 

i'm not sure if i get the whole "no one-on-one" thing. i have no issues if my boyfriend grabs lunch with a female friend and he doesn't mind if i meet a male friend in the dining hall for dinner. as long as there is no weird dynamic and my partner knows about it and what goes down.

 

i agree with you shouldn't be trying to get close with people you're into. my bf has gotten fb requests from girls that he used to like (i didn't see these requests, he told me that they friended him and their names) and he said that it's stupid now cause he's with me and deleted them.

 

i disagree that males are only friends with females for romantic reasons. what if they are both attached and happy? what good is it then?

 

a lot of very insecure people out there...sad.

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Well, i guess most people would say being ''friends'' with an Ex isn't cool, as said above.. But i broke up with him a while ago and we're still friends and in really good terms, and i'm in a Ldr with another guy and he accepts this, knowing that i love him alot and i wouldn't do such a thing to him. We have a strong trust between each other. So all is going well, sure there is jealousy problems from time to time, but we cope through them. :)

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oh i thiink that would be okay too, lovemad. i think if you and your ex would genuinely good friends (you had that foundation) and it had been a really loooooooong time since you guys dated so everyone was healed, i'd be okay with that. my boyfriend only has 1 ex of 2 years and i had no issues with them talking or being friends because she had started seeing someone else (he dumped her) and he was with me. but he cut her out of his life because she was getting kinda dramatic and he decided it wasn't worth it. but i wouldn't be upset if he continued talking to her.

 

i don't know, i guess i "allow" a lot, lol. i think if someone is gonna cheat on me, they will do it despite any boundaries. i want my partner to not feel like hes on a leash. i want him to be monogamous with me because he wants to be monogamous with me, not because he feels like he "has" to. luckily my bf loves me and our relationship and appreciates my trust and lack of the need to be reassured often. i give trust to him because i love him.

 

another thing that i've heard is about males fantasising about female friends sexually. my answer: so? as long as they don't get a crush on them (which isn't the case and can be prevented by not having an emotional affair) and it stays in their head, why not? guys masturbate to porn all the time.

 

i don't know, maybe i'm weird but i genuinely dont have a problem with my bf doing that. maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. i don't see it as any different from looking at porn and thinking about doing the chick in the video as a mean s to get off.

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I just don't get why so many people give being a little insecure such a horrible rap. There's a difference between checking his e-mails, ordering him around, telling him who he can and can't be friends with, accusing him of cheating, etc. That's some pretty serious stuff right there. But I find nothing wrong with upfront not dating someone because you're not comfortable with the friendships in their lives. Or being upset if you set boundaries about friends, of the same sex or otherwise, and those boundaries are ignored.

 

I will never trust my boyfriend to have any contact with his ex-girlfriend again because of hurtful things that he did to me regarding her - like lying from the get-go that he was still talking to her, then trying to tell me that as little as they communicated, it "wasn't being in contact." He knew my boundaries and he willfully violated them. They have no children together, it was a long-distance relationship, and judging by the frequency with which he brought her up and thought I wanted to know alll about her and his relationship with her, it was more than time for her to go and go out the door permanently.

 

Always did think it was funny that when he made our relationship public on Facebook, suddenly she wanted to be in contact with him more often. The minute he deleted her on Facebook - apparently she deleted her entire account. Something suspicious was going on there - not necessarily from my boyfriend's end, but I think she was getting too interested in what was happening in his life, personally. I was glad to get her out of our lives before it escalated and ended up causing even more problems.

 

And that's what it really comes down to: is having the friend or ex in your life going to create a relationship that's more like a triangle or not? A friend, and definitely an ex, should not have equal footing to your significant other. They shouldn't be anywhere near her. And exes are dangerous territory for a reason - it's already established that there was something there once, that there was physical attraction and obviously commonalities. Sure, some may say, "I don't have to put up with her in the same way as I did in a relationship." But I also think that their shared history and friendship can blot out whatever went wrong the first time around, and that's just not fair to the present girl.

 

But no one's advocating banging on a neighbor's door and telling her to buzz off. If I were really so uncomfortable with a guy's female friend - to the extent that I felt the need to go crazy like that - I would just leave him. There are always more fish in the sea. We only got OP's side of the story on this one. For all we know, the boyfriend could've been constantly gabbing about OP, admitting a crush on her or something else that he wouldn't himself tell OP. And that may have driven her over. But rather than, you know, dumping the guy and moving on, she chose to go psycho about it.

 

Everyone gets insecure. And I don't think there's anything wrong with not completely trusting ANYONE. You trust and feel secure in degrees - it's not an all or nothing thing.

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Memphis Raines
I wouldn't stay with anyone that whined about me having opposite sex friends.

 

so you are perfectly ok with your sig. other going over to their opposite sex friend's place, close the doors, turn down the lights, and snuggle up for a movie, knowing thats all they are doing?:rolleyes:

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