bitteorca Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Wow, I'm back, and this time not trying to get over things with an ex, but dealing with cheating. well its not technically cheating, but in my head it may as well be the same... To cut a long story short, I split up with her by text. I was drunk and I'm notoriously an idiot when drunk. I didn't hear back from her at all, which I thought I would (I know that's a stupid game to play, but I'm an idiot when I'm drunk). It basically turned out that she slept with someone that night whilst she was drunk. Someone she knows as well. not a stranger. But she says she doesn't like him, couldn't see herself with him, etc. But why would you do it then?! I still haven't got an explanation of what was going round in her head. I asked her whether she thought of me during any of it, and she said yes. And what seems so strange is that she was thinking that she'd miss me so much. I get the impression, although not concrete, that she did it just to feel close to someone because she knew she would miss me so much. Not just a quick kiss, that I could understand. But she kissed him a few times, and she went back to his house. She was really drunk, but I think she still knew what she was doing. She can't explain why she did it, I don't think she even knows, but she wants me back, and says she can't live without me etc, and is visibly torn up about it: feels disgusted with herself, feels like a slut, can't eat anything, etc. Says that she's willing to do ANYTHING for us to work. I just don't know. The thing that bothers me the most is that it was an all night thing. It wasn't just a quick kiss, and then she felt guilty. I could understand that, seeing as I was a complete idiot with her and sent her a splitting up text. But it was unfolding all night. It was cold hearted, and callous. I have images of her kissing him all night, laughing and flirting with him, and then obviously the biggest thing, sleeping with him. Although the little consolation I have is that she stopped it after a minute because she realised. But whoopdeedoo. But the biggest thing bothering me is that this was a process, that she should have realised at some point what she was doing. But she didn't I suppose this isn't a question. I suppose there's no right or wrong, and I'm the only one to decide how I take it from here, I'm going to need a massive think about things. I suppose I just feel like I need support. I couldn't face work today. I think I may go to the doctors and see whether some support is available. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Oh boy, what a mess: To cut a long story short, I split up with her by text. I was drunk and I'm notoriously an idiot when drunk. I didn't hear back from her at all, which I thought I would (I know that's a stupid game to play, but I'm an idiot when I'm drunk). It basically turned out that she slept with someone that night whilst she was drunk. If you broke up with her, technically she didn't cheat. It still sucks, but she had every right to do so. On the other hand you have every right not to take her back. But she says she doesn't like him, couldn't see herself with him, etc BS. Actions speak louder than words. I asked her whether she thought of me during any of it, and she said yes. And what seems so strange is that she was thinking that she'd miss me so much. BS. She says it to lessen the blow to your ego. I get the impression, although not concrete, that she did it just to feel close to someone because she knew she would miss me so much. And it worked. You choose to believe any BS from her, as long as it centers around you, and rejects the idea of her simply having hots for someone else. Which is a lot simpler and more sensible notion, but, again, ego-bruising one. She was really drunk, but I think she still knew what she was doing. Of course she did. And I'll tell you as it is - they HAD sex. Probably steamy, kinky one. But the biggest thing bothering me is that this was a process, that she should have realised at some point what she was doing. But she didn't Because she wanted it to happen. And now that she did it, she wants to keep you to play for a fool, for her own ego stroking. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Yeah, what rafallus said. You seem to be using the drunk excuse a lot. Drink doesn't change who you are, it just lowers inhibitions. She slept with this guy because she WANTED to. If she respected you and wanted to work things out then she wouldn't have done that. I would not want to get back with someone who does this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bitteorca Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 I'm not using drink as an excuse for her behaviour AT ALL. It doesn't make it ok to do that just because you were drunk. I merely stated that she was drunk, as she was. As to some of the things you've said, like kinky hot sex. She's been honest with me at least, and she would have told me if it was. She's told me everything so far, even if its not what I want to hear. She stopped it after a minute, because she realised it was wrong. I know its easy to be cynical about it, especially when a stranger is telling you on a forum, but she's told me everything so far, so I don't think she'd lie about that. She has no reason to, she knows it doesn't make it any better. As to your general principle that she basically just wanted sex and fancied him, I know thats a cynical view as well. And by no means am I sticking up for her, but she has since admitted to me that the reason she got with him is to feel loved and feel wanted because I broke up with her (although its important to note that she doesn't see that as an EXCUSE for her actions, just a REASON). She must have fancied him a little bit IMO as well, but she's adamant that she doesn't, even though I've pushed her on it. Basically, its all f*cked up at the moment. I have no idea what to think, whether I could think about forgiving her or whether I should just bin this sh*t off. May be I'll know better in a few days Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 She stopped it after a minute? If you believe this then I have a bridge to sell you. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Even if we believe (which we DON'T) that she did stop it after a minute because she "realised it was wrong"... what you're saying is that she didn't realize it was wrong for a whole minute? All the foreplay and flirting that led up to that minute as well, she never thought that it was wrong? Dude........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author bitteorca Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 Even if we believe (which we DON'T) that she did stop it after a minute because she "realised it was wrong"... what you're saying is that she didn't realize it was wrong for a whole minute? All the foreplay and flirting that led up to that minute as well, she never thought that it was wrong? Dude........ Re: 1 minute. I'm gonna question her more on it, but I don't think she's got any reason to lie. Even if it was 20 minutes, its still the same. She's still slept with someone. I don't think she'd lie to me about that. She hasn't lied to me about anything else, so I just don't think she is. Trust me I'm a cynical person, and I've just been f*cked over, but I STILL don't think she's lying about that. And yeah, you're last bit is poignant, and is what most bothers me. I know thinking about the sex they had is really bad, but even WORSE than that is knowing that there was a process of flirting and kissing before that. and not at ONE POINT did she stop herself. She's on her way to mine now actually, I might show her these posts Link to post Share on other sites
robdrm32 Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 I have to ask, did she come to you and admit it without any questioning? or did you find out another way? And, when talking to her did you say things like "Did you do it because you wanted to feel loved/wanted?" If you ask her those questions she will take your lead and go with it. Because she knows thats what you want to hear, that it was just a moment of weakness and nothing to do with her love for you. But, it has everything to do with her love for you. She CHOSE to do what she did. I don't care how drunk you are, having sex is not a light decision, especially when its with someone other than your SO. And yes you broke up with her over text but like you said you didnt hear back from her, so how much could she really have cared? If your g/f doesn't respond to a break-up text, call, email, face to face with at the very least "Why" then that tells you everything you need to know. She is going to tell you what you want to hear, I've been there before man and I know i did the same thing. Tried to rationalize it as just a mistake, just a moment of weakness. Which it's both of those things but what about next time she is drunk when your not around? What about next time she is away from you for a few days? Will you have the same complete trust in her? Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 She stopped it after a minute? If you believe this then I have a bridge to sell you. Forget what this guy is selling. I have 2 bridges 4 you at a discount rate, in a nice city and I will throw in a used car just so u can travel across them. Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I'm not using drink as an excuse for her behaviour AT ALL. It doesn't make it ok to do that just because you were drunk. I merely stated that she was drunk, as she was. As to some of the things you've said, like kinky hot sex. She's been honest with me at least, and she would have told me if it was. She's told me everything so far, even if its not what I want to hear. She stopped it after a minute, because she realised it was wrong. I know its easy to be cynical about it, especially when a stranger is telling you on a forum, but she's told me everything so far, so I don't think she'd lie about that. She has no reason to, she knows it doesn't make it any better. As to your general principle that she basically just wanted sex and fancied him, I know thats a cynical view as well. And by no means am I sticking up for her, but she has since admitted to me that the reason she got with him is to feel loved and feel wanted because I broke up with her (although its important to note that she doesn't see that as an EXCUSE for her actions, just a REASON). She must have fancied him a little bit IMO as well, but she's adamant that she doesn't, even though I've pushed her on it. Basically, its all f*cked up at the moment. I have no idea what to think, whether I could think about forgiving her or whether I should just bin this sh*t off. May be I'll know better in a few days Please buy my bridges and car. Im begging you. Now you claim she has no reason to lie. NONE mane NONE. I can think of 1 and that is to play you for a fool. Another is she knows that she has already been caught, so her way of lessening the pain is to tell you and make you believe that she didn't go all the way. She thought of you? Man get out of here. Now Link to post Share on other sites
nevertoolate Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I say move on. It's no fun staying together and trying to work through those issues. You'll be a better person if you let go of this girl and take some time for yourself - a better person for yourself and for whoever you do end up with who doesn't hurt you like this. Link to post Share on other sites
whammy Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 stop trying to rationalize! let her tell you who she is and what she wants. and you do this by only looking at her actions. she says she will do anything? so what has she done? her actions are much different then her words and you need to just keep it movin and stop worrying about her... Link to post Share on other sites
Author bitteorca Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 Please buy my bridges and car. Im begging you. Now you claim she has no reason to lie. NONE mane NONE. I can think of 1 and that is to play you for a fool. Another is she knows that she has already been caught, so her way of lessening the pain is to tell you and make you believe that she didn't go all the way. She thought of you? Man get out of here. Now No, you don't understand. She has told me EVERYTHING. She still slept with him, she didn't stop it before she went all the way. She went all the way. And she's even told ME that I shouldn't even be concentrating on that. That I should be concentrating on the fact that she plain and simple slept with someone. SHE'S told ME that. Its me that's agonising about the details. She plain and simply thinks that she's done wrong and that's that, that I shouldn't even be thinking about the 'minute thing' because its irrelevant (although in my mind at least she realised at some point. a f*ckin late point albeit). I know no-one will believe what she says, but I actually do. Im a naturally cynical person anyway, and I suppose I'm the only one here to hear what she's had to say, and to witness her face when she is telling me things. She's come clean about everything, and things that she knows will destroy me as well. So that I don't doubt. And she didn't technically cheat on me (although its definitely questionable behaviour) so she didn't actually owe it to me to tell me ANYTHING. But she did. What I DO DOUBT is whether this is the girl for me. She's told me she is getting help and will change (other problems), and has BEGGED me not to leave her, and at least think about it. But I have yet to make up my mind. I know the obvious tone from this forum is cynical and a lack of belief, and no utterance of forgiveness, which I can obviously understand, its a relationship forum after all. But it is an option. I'm not sure whether I even could forgive her at the moment, but I suppose that's something I need to figure out by myself. Its a mess at the moment, but it was a mistake. Without transcribing all of the conversations that have taken place between us and putting it on this forum, only I can judge whether she is genuine. And Re: ACTIONS over WORDS. She fully knows this. I fully know this. I even told her that if I wanted just words from a girlfriend I'd buy a book instead. She knows that actions > words, so we'll have to see how that works. No action, then no consideration of even the possibility of forgiveness. Thanks for your help though Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 She plain and simply thinks that she's done wrong and that's that, that I shouldn't even be thinking about the 'minute thing' because its irrelevant Well, I would be inclined to agree with her. She's told me she is getting help and will change (other problems) Dude - don't date fixer-uppers. Generally when they "change", they do not come running back to you with open arms thanking you for sticking by them through all their issues. They decide that now they are "cured", they want some freedom and the chance to do all those things that they missed out on, and bugger off to shag around. no utterance of forgiveness[/QUOTOE] No, not at all! I am all pro-forgiveness. But forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean taking her back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bitteorca Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 Re: dating fixer-uppers. I disagree that they would just 'shag around' once they've been 'fixed'. I think quite simply that that's a crude and childish way to look at things. May be if you have had experience with that in the past, then fair enough. But not everyone that fixes their problems goes on a sex binge, and I think to say that shows some kind of ridiculous interpretation of human behaviour on a very basic level. But I know what you mean about having a girlfriend with problems. Is it worth it? Is she worth it? Is it worth my time? Is it worth the risk? No doubt the questions I'll be asking myself over a couple of weeks/months. I did say to her I'd like to support her if she felt she wanted my support, even if I decided just as friends. I don't like to see her like that (other things, not the thing I wrote about) and would offer her support just because I care I suppose. 'But forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean taking her back.' - well said. I agree. As said before. A lot of thinking and reflection lays ahead... Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 You need to get tested for STD's. Do you really need to have a girlfriend with such baggage and problems? Find someone else who is emotionally healthy and who does not have a broken moral compass. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Apologies for crudeness but I do believe in the essence of what I said. You haven't given details of her issues, but if you date someone with problems then I believe it is unlikely to last once they "get better". You are right they don't necessarily go on a sex binge. But what they do, is to re-evaluate their life, their past and what they missed out on due to their issues. This doesn't necessarily cause a breakup immediately but it definitely changes the person and therefore also the relationship in a huge way. Sometimes for the better... but often for the worse. And yes in the interests of disclosure it has happened to me twice! No more fixer uppers for me ever again!!! This is a major theme in "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover... might be worth a read. Link to post Share on other sites
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