kitkate88 Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Hi there everyone. I'm in need of some advice! I've been with my partner for nearly a year, one day he came over to my place very chirpy and happy and very very clingy. I instantly knew something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it! I ended up looking through his text messages and found a few from a girl we both knew (who was in a relationship at the time) saying how she'd like to do things to my partner. Now I couldn't see what messages he'd sent as he never saves them so I confronted him. He admitted everything, that they had been exchanging dirty messages for a while but nothing physical happened. Now, as we all know there more we pry, the more us women dig up...he had not only done this once, but THREE times with different women. Everytime claiming nothing physical happened. This has ruined our sex life as I keep thinking he would rather be doing it with someone else or that it is all my fault. the first time wasn't my fault as we had just started a relationship and he was unsure of us. The 2nd time we had been rowing and he needed an escape, the same with the 3rd time so I admit that I probably pushed him to do it. We talked last night and I admitted to him that since I found out I feel as if he's not the man I fell in love with anymore. I just want the feelings I had for him back before all of this and I don't know how to do it. A few days ago, I saw a message on his facebook from an ex of his who is in prison (she's on day release but gets out next month for good) saying how her heart breaks every time she sees a picture of us together...but she just wants to be friends. I tried to accept this, but then saw a message he sent her a few days before we got together saying he will always love her and hopes that they will be together again one day. I told him all of this, that I had seen the messages and he admitted he slept with her before she went to prison (a few months before me and him got together) now...I know this is all before me and I shouldn't be feeling upset about it, but they want to be friends, and after everything that's happened I feel like it will happen again with her I don't want to loose him, but it seems that everytime I'm just about over something, something else happens. I'm fed up with feeling so low and that he's going to do it again! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 2 words: Dump. Him. Really. Nothing more needs to be said. Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Well, if he done this multiple times...then he has to actively want to change himself. If he doesn't do anything, don't expect any change. If you do decide to stay with him, accept the very large risk that he will repeat his past behaviour. Of course, depending on your age and the state of your relationship, it may be wiser to simply break up. Not married, no kids and no house...and a 1 year relationship at most, it would be relatively easy. Ask yourself whether you can really continue the relationship from here...I mean, this is going to dampen any future you have with this man. IMO, leave while you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kitkate88 Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 Were both 23 and I have an 18 month old daughter who he's been bringing up as his own since my ex did a runner when I told him I was pregnant. I want to stay with him and we have been looking into buying a house together. My daughter adores him. He has shown remorse and we've been closer than ever, but its just the feelings I need to get over. Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 If you have decided to stay with him then just remember this... Well, if he done this multiple times...then he has to actively want to change himself. If he doesn't do anything, don't expect any change. If you do decide to stay with him, accept the very large risk that he will repeat his past behaviour. As for how to "get over" your hurt...communication and time will help a lot but human emotions can be pretty unpredictable in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kitkate88 Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 Ok I will remember that! Thanks. I'm just thankful that nothing physical happened, I believe him on that part. I'm always going to be wary about it, but I don't want to push him further away by checking his mail and phone. I guess if it will happen it will and there's not a lot I can do about it. But I won't put my daughter through it again, or myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Woman In Blue Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Oh, ok. So basically, you're willing to put your head in the sand because your 18 month daughter 'adores' him. There will be a lot of people she'll 'adore' in her lifetime - she'll forget this jerk if he stops coming around, so stop using her as an excuse to cling to someone who clearly has NO RESPECT for you. And the saddest part is that you're willing to accept the blame for two of his sleazy little encounters, claiming you probably "pushed" him into it. Why do you feel that someone like this is all you deserve in life? Why are you so determined to cling to this asshat when you know full WELL he's completely untrustworthy? I think you're being extremely naive if you really believe "nothing happened" with all these girls you keep catching him sexting with. One day you're going to find out it's been ALOT more than texting, and you'll be back here on LS, brokenhearted and angry with yourself for having been so gullible. That's a guarantee. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kitkate88 Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 How on earth could I possibly bury my head in the sand about it? This isn't ever going to be forgotten. And I'm certainly not using my daughter as an excuse. I've made my choice, and just needed some advice on how to manage my feelings about it and how to get over the pain. I've been cheated on before by my first ever boyfriend and broke up with him, but it still didn't stop hurting for a while. Your reply wasn't the advice I needed at all. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Why accept and settle for the pattern? You'v been cheated on before... and now, you're being cheated on again. I'm a divorcee, and my daughter confirms it was the best thing I could have done, because as she says, better two parents apart, that are contented and get on with their lives, than two parents together who create misery, mistrust and mis-communication with everything they touch. Stay with this guy and you teach your daughter that being cheated on is an acceptable - or even preferable - option to being single, independent, and strong. What in this makes you feel you deserve to settle for someone who patently has little or no respect and consideration for your feelings? Does he know your previous BF cheated on you? Why have you made it ok for him to take it for granted that he can treat you just as badly - if not worse? And please don't come out with phrases such as "Your reply wasn't the advice I needed at all." People give you replies from their perspective. And sometimes, it's not a given that it's what you want to hear. Sometimes what you think you 'need' is actually confirmation that what you're doing is right. Well to my mind, it isn't. I disagree with your decision, because I don't think you've taken a long-term look at what you're doing. I think you're thinking with your heart, and not your head.... You're more concerned with current repercussions, but the ripples in the pond keep spreading, and will continue to do so.... Link to post Share on other sites
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