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"Do I make you Happy?"


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I'm trying to figure out how to field this question. I'm dropping it in this subforum because some elements of this post have to do with the idea of cheating/flirting/dating.

 

Last night as we were going to sleep, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years posed that question to me out of the blue. Maybe he was just in one of his clingy moods, or maybe I was being a real bleeeeeep. In any case, I stumbled over how to answer it.

 

Does he make me happy? Well, something must be wrong because I often imagine myself having affairs with other people. Much of this is due to my own insecurity, yes. Perhaps something to do with the first year, year and a half of the relationship when his ex seemed to be the ghostly 3rd person in the relationship. I heard more details about their sex life than I ever cared to hear about. I had very little prior sexual experience when we started dating.

 

His focus on her caused a lot of anger and resentment toward him, and a lot of insecurity issues for me. I am still not over them. They're much better, but not totally. He eventually stopped, but the pain lingers on.

 

My boyfriend's very...independent, we'll say. He likes to have things his own way. He's headstrong, and that's caused some conflict in our relationship. Sometimes he just doesn't understand the concept of compromising.

 

` He'll get angry when I leave the dirty laundry basket by the washing machine in our kitchen - but that's where I usually do the laundry. I'm not going to change every little thing I do to accommodate him - I'm not going to go out of my way to be a jerk about it, but the guy never handles the laundry. Who cares where it is?

 

Our sex life has started to improve since we moved in together - until then, we had sex once, maybe twice a month. I always had to initiate and usually I was turned down. Thankfully, it's getting to be about twice a week now.

 

I admit that after 3 - 5 days of NOTHING, I get pissed off. Probably from his conditioning, most of the time I never directly try to initiate because I was always rejected. Sometimes I'll try. Last night, I was angry because it had been 4 or 5 days. This wouldn't be such a huge ordeal if, in the past, we hadn't had instances of a month or two months where he didn't even NOTICE that we hadn't had sex. I get afraid the pattern's starting anew.

 

He laid next to me and started touching me last night. I believe my exact words were, "Don't f*** with me tonight. I'm not in the mood for being toyed with. If you're just going to tease, don't even bother." I get so sick of getting a little touching, and then when I'm ripe and interested, I get, "Oh, well I don't really want to do anything." It ak

 

I feel like I put most of the effort into the relationship. I work part-time, pay my own bills, usually pay for all of our groceries, do all of the housework, and I'll often surprise him. Sometimes small gifts. Sometimes a romantic dinner. For Valentine's Day, I went the whole nine yards - rose petals, tealights in votive holders, dinner, wine, chocolate covered strawberries, romantic music, you name it. I value the same from a partner - yet it's very rarely, if ever, that I get it. It's on me usually to come up with date ideas. It gets to be exhausting - to feel like he just goes along for the ride...

 

I told him last night that I wasn't all that happy in the relationship, and that some things needed fixing. I know it wasn't the response he wanted to hear, but I couldn't lie to him.

 

I admit I have done some unsavory and wrong things to handle my feelings about this relationship - I've joined dating sites just to have people flirt with me so I could get an ego boost (and I wasn't getting it from him). I never flirted, but I drank in all of the attention. I had something of an emotional affair with a long-distance friend...and gradually came to have feelings for him. I had to cut it off.

 

When I've tried to start telling my boyfriend what improvements I'd like to see in the past, he usually blows up about how he just "does everything wrong." I'd like to see our problems get fixed. I'd like more reassurance that he's interested in me. I've thought about writing a letter to convey all of it, but I worry that seeing 3 - 4 suggestions for things I'd like to see changed would send him into a tailspin.

 

Do I unleash one trouble area at a time? All of them? I've no idea. He has improved a great deal since we first started dating, but I know that I'm not that happy. Still, I know I'm probably having "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome.

 

So...how would you answer this question?

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Professor X

He has improved a great deal since we first started dating, but I know that I'm not that happy.

So...how would you answer this question?

 

What exactly do you find in him? It sounds like you guys got awfully a lot of problems and to think it was even worse in the past... Geez.

 

Really? sex maybe twice a week? up from twice a month?????

 

You sound... old.

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The reasons for the lack of sex have changed over time. Soon after we started having sex, the ex thing was still going strong, and I told him that I regretted sleeping with him when it felt like he wasn't in love with me.

 

He has always expressed a paranoia about me getting pregnant (back then, we used condoms and spermicide), so for a few months after that, nothing happened or I'd get the angry rejection. He'd always use the, "You said you regretted it" line for months after, long after I told him I had moved on since he had stopped talking so much about his ex.

 

To be honest, the 'pregnancy paranoia' excuse has always bothered me. It never seemed to be much of an excuse when he was only using condoms with his ex. Maybe it was because she was long-distance, so he just didn't care as much and got as much sex as he could while she was there, or maybe it was because he was much younger (and immature), but it's hard to tell. It does hurt to be the one with whom he's been guarded about his sexuality.

 

The excuses for the lack of sex seemed to change all of the time, but pregnancy paranoia remained constant. Then it was, 'well, when we move in together,' (which did prove to solve it), his reason being that there just wasn't as much time when we didn't live together. Then it was birth control - which I started and which has helped as well. But there were a lot of stipulations set up that made our sex life 'old' for a long time.

 

I'm 23 and he is 27. Sex 2 to 3 times a week isn't bad...thank God I'm finally gettin' some. -_-'

 

To be honest with you, I'm not sure what I see in him sometimes. Sometimes I'm able to let go of the cruelty with the ex bull****; and at other times I just sit here and cry about it. Sometimes the thoughts of, "Well, clearly I must not have been that great of a girlfriend if I couldn't capture my boyfriend's interest THREE YEARS after his ex dumped him," or I simmer at the thought that he had to be with me for over a year before he finally allowed his ex to drop into the past. At the time, when it was still going on, I didn't see it for what it was. But lines like "If I ever meet this author, I am going to get x book signed and sent to her!" or "You would have liked my ex" when I thought he was no longer in contact with her (he actually was) really hurt me.

 

We had a great deal of arguments focused around her. After I discovered he had a bunch of pictures of his ex on his desktop - places where I would see them if God forbid I was looking for pictures of us or saving pictures - I asked him to back them up onto disc and delete them off of there.

 

That was a war that raged on for months until I finally told him that I was done with it and I was leaving the relationship. He 'complied' -or, actually he didn't, because soon after that, I stumbled upon them and sat in shock. He claimed that he had just forgotten about the agreement. They're gone now and it's out of sight, out of mind for me, but it still hurts me that I had to ARGUE with him to put his PAST into the past.

 

He has apologized and acknowledged that his behavior was wrong, but the thing that gets me is that he'll make comments about "not realizing" it was that hurtful to me. To be fair, I tried to cover some of the feelings up because I didn't want to be 'that girl.' But after a while, I did start telling him, "You need to stop talking about her," and it persisted for months more. He claims not to recall those times.

 

He eventually cut all contact with her and got rid of her phone number (this was something he agreed to much more readily - I told him that if he hadn't done everything he had earlier on in the relationship, I might be OK with the Facebook messages. Especially if he had been HONEST about being in contact with her. He always told me he wasn't! But after all of that, I was done with it. If he ever contacts her again, it's over). He also stopped talking about her.

 

It hurts less and less with time, but to be honest I think it's always going to hurt. If the sex continues to be frequent, initiated somewhat by him, and it's not just done mechanically, cool. There's nothing more that I hate than a pity screw, which is what he's an expert at doling out.

 

He bothers to be romantic sometimes, but honestly it's rare. For my birthday recently, he did surprise me with a necklace of my birthstone - because he remembered that several months earlier, I made a passing comment about really liking necklaces.

 

The fact that he remembered that and went out to do it - that he spent several days, several hours and went through many different stores to find something that I'd like - really tickled me. My friend told me that my boyfriend felt bad that he had botched previous birthdays and he wanted to make it up.

 

I'm trying to think of ways to encourage him to be more romantic, or to even bother doing it. He's got this complex that he's not creative and he's not any good at it, but when he actually bothers, he can pull it off. He just...doesn't. I understand he's involved in 2 extracurricular hobbies (that eat up a few nights a week) and he works full-time...so I understand it can be exhausting. But I shouldn't be an afterthought. I'm totally fine with him having his own life, but frankly I don't want him to come home, have his dinner on the table, have obligatory sex with me and go to sleep.

 

It's been a little while since I've really done anything romantic either - Valentine's Day, probably - and in the last few weeks we've been getting settled. My initial thought is, "If I'm more romantic, he'll mimic and be more romantic," but in the past that hasn't necessarily proven true.

 

I think I've brought this up to him a few times, but not recently. Time to try again...

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if your unhappy, is it really worth staying for? You are young, don't settle if you aren't getting 100%.

 

You seem to have some communication issues and until those are fixed things won't get any better. All you can do is address the issues and work on them together. If he is unwilling then id part ways.

 

Men don't like being told what to do or how to act. If you tell him you want him to be more romantic, he won't. When a man wants to do something he will, they don't like to feel pressured.

 

You can give all you want, but cannot expect to recieve. Its a sad truth.

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spice4life

you posted:

 

I admit I have done some unsavory and wrong things to handle my feelings about this relationship - I've joined dating sites just to have people flirt with me so I could get an ego boost (and I wasn't getting it from him). I never flirted, but I drank in all of the attention. I had something of an emotional affair with a long-distance friend...and gradually came to have feelings for him. I had to cut it off.

 

Is your bf aware of this? Honestly, having thoughts of revenge while trying to mend a relationship is not going to help the situation. It is quite possible that he is picking up on the undercurrent of anger you are harboring against him and it could why he is holding you at arms length. The behavior you mention above isn't any better than what he did to you. Why would you want to stay in a relationship where you are having thoughts of revenge? Have you come clean with him about this? If not, he needs to know what is going on in your head so you both can make a choice to either get past this and heal together or end it and move on.

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threebyfate

I'm uncertain why you remained in this relationship and why you continue to do so. To be honest, I think you already know why you're still in it and what you need to do.

 

Both of you have some serious issues with control and insecurity.

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OldOnTheInside
I'm uncertain why you remained in this relationship and why you continue to do so. To be honest, I think you already know why you're still in it and what you need to do.

 

Both of you have some serious issues with control and insecurity.

 

What he said.

 

I can think of two ways to go from here.

 

1: Clear at least an hour of free time. Talk to him. Tell him (gently) about all of your issues with the relationship. Let him do the same. Both of you need to deal with the issues raised. If either one or both of you are unwilling to compromise and work to improve the relationship, well, guess what you have to do.

 

2: Break up with him and go NC. Do not start dating again until you have worked out all of your issues and hang ups. Learn from your mistakes.

 

That is what I think you should do. What do you intend to do?

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I'll explain this in greater detail - the 'emotional affair' I referenced is something people may or may not consider cheating. Often, it was talking about our relationships - including the problems that we were having, and the good times, and we bonded over that. I have never met the friend in person.

 

Eventually, however, it was apparent that friendship had crossed into the realm of, 'Gee, I'm kind of attracted to you,' although it was never outright said. My boyfriend does not know about this. He knows that we were once friends and somewhat close, but he doesn't know that the friend was eventually making more blatant displays of interest.

 

As for the dating site - yes, he knows about that. I told him upfront that it would be nice to have an ego boost, and he was fine with that when I registered. I told him outright that I had no intention of flirting with other members. Other than that, he's shown no interest in knowing about it. I recently deleted the entire account. I was looking for external validation, and eventually I've come to realize that having that from everyone but my boyfriend doesn't mean much. I admit it was a mistake - as I've also admitted to him.

 

I've stayed because in many ways, I believed that it would get better. In some, it has. For the most part, I've recovered from most of the ex bull****. There are still days (and some recently) where it feels like it devours me. I do often think about being in a relationship with somebody where I don't have to feel like I'm second best to an ex-girlfriend who dumped him. While the behavior stopped, some of the damage is still ongoing.

 

Part of me worries if it were to happen, the script would start over again - an ex-girlfriend would come up a little too often, or I'd learn something about their sex life together, or I'd find out they're still in regular contact, and I'd be thinking, "Oh Lord, not all over again."

 

I try to control my anger and my resentment toward him, and some things have improved over time. I'm pretty good at separating the components of my life. Often, I'll remind myself, "The stupid things that he did are in the past, and he has apologized for them. I have to forgive it and move on with my life," before I talk to him. That's helped a great deal.

 

I do have difficulties raising problems in relationships - part of this stems from having a narcissistic mother, and I could never, ever say anything in the least critical about her. The other is a past relationship, in which a boyfriend would immerse himself in manipulative baby fits whenever I raised a concern about our relationship. And in this one, he often feels I'm criticizing too much and that he can't do anything right. It's probably been weeks or months since I've actually criticized him, but this still keeps me stalling. Sometimes when I raise concerns with him, he's totally fine with it.

 

I guess it's just difficult finding the right time, especially when he's so busy, and finding the time when he's in a decent mood. And framing it in a way that isn't confrontational - when the argument is, "I would like to do more romantic things," it still comes off as, "YOU need to be more romantic."

 

I guess it is an improvement because we're going on a date this coming weekend...after a 7 month hiatus. Maybe I should just shut up, not raise the argument, and keep trying to find ways to encourage romantic behavior? I hate to treat him like a dog and train him to salivate with a, "You were a VERY GOOD BOY to make dinner, d'awww :D," but maybe it'll work?

 

Before the argument's raised, I do my fair share of romantic things - full body massages, candlelit dinners, chocolate covered strawberries, impromptu wine tasting, gifts and notes on the car, love e-mails, you name it. I have taken us out on dates before. More recently, I'm more strapped for cash (he isn't in the least), so I can't afford for us to go out as much, but I still find ways to do it. I'm not one of those lasses sittin' back waiting for a man to do everything.

 

I'm (clearly) not the best at this - so advice could be useful.

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Professor X

I don't think you're seeking for an advice; People gave you pretty much the same answer and you bluntly ignored us all.

All you did is try and justify your dating site shenanigans and how he didn't care (like you got the green light and it's all okai) - this is just so wrong, on so many levels.

 

Reread your first post, than read again what you just wrote, than you'll see that all you're doing is trying to treat a bullet wound with a band aid.

 

Nonetheless, good luck!

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Sounds exactly like me and my boyfriend :( He always kept going on about his ex ALL THE TIME and it has made me so insecure and hurt. He even called me her name twice. I was only with him a few months after they broke up (I found this out afterwards) and now I'm having to deal with being in love with someone who only sees me as a rebound.

 

And as for the emotional cheating, I'm guilty of that too. Its not as horrible as it seems. When you're insecure and can't speak to anyone, you kind of need to know that theres someone out there who will listen to you and support you, as long as you don't lead the other person into thinking they have a chance.

 

I don't have any advice for you but I wish you luck and hope that you work things out :)

Kate

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