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Hey everyone. I just have some worries about my current relationship that I have been unable to talk about with my friends and family. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and things are great, for the most part. I care for him a lot and I believe he feels the same. We have a lot of similarities and have many hobbies that we enjoy together. I also feel very comfortable around him and feel that he knows me better than anyone. We are in a long distance relationship (hours away) but are able to see each other most weekends. :love:

My only problem is that I feel he can get too jealous at times. It is hard to put into words but if I say an actor is attractive he automatically hates that actor and any show/movie he is in. If I want to go a weekend to visit friends (always girls) without him he gets very sad and tells me that I’m “ditching him” and do not care. If I text anyone else, go on my computer or even talk to someone else he feels like I am not giving him enough attention and we end up fighting. This is even worse when we go out to a party or bar together and he expects me to spend the whole night by his side and include him in all conversations. What bothers me the most is how he does not approve of me watching certain TV shows if there are intimate scenes or movies where there is a chance of a naked man being in it. He tells me that certain shows are not what he would be comfortable with his wife or girlfriend watching. When he finds out I have watched these certain shows he becomes disgusted and will not even talk or go near me. :mad:

Has anyone experienced this with their significant other? Is there any way to help get through these jealousy issues?

Thank you for “listening” and for your help!:)

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lordWilhelm
I care for him a lot and I believe he feels the same. We have a lot of similarities and have many hobbies that we enjoy together. I also feel very comfortable around him and feel that he knows me better than anyone.
That's a good start! It's very important that you can communicate with one another.

 

From what you describe his jealousy is growing out of bounds, and this is the right time to tackle it.

 

Have you talked to him about how you feel about this? It may seem awkward at first but being able to talk about issues such as this will tell you a lot about the quality of the relationship, and if you're able to work it out it'll strengthen it even more.

 

If you brought it up, how did he respond?

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Dexter Morgan

My only problem is that I feel he can get too jealous at times. It is hard to put into words but if I say an actor is attractive he automatically hates that actor and any show/movie he is in.

 

call me kooky, but maybe he doesn't want to hear it, and your need to make your attractions known to him, celebrity or not, is not something a SO really cares to hear.

 

I wouldn't dream of telling a gf of mine how sexy someone else is. Its just rude.

 

we all look at others and admire the way they look, but we all need to keep it to ourselves.

 

as far as the rest of your post, it does sound like he is over the top with it....but could some of his jealousy and insecurities stem from your actions?

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call me kooky, but maybe he doesn't want to hear it, and your need to make your attractions known to him, celebrity or not, is not something a SO really cares to hear.

 

Very good point. I will try to be more aware of it.

 

You are right and I am aware that he does not like me talking about attractiveness of anyone celebrity or not but what gets me is I feel like we have a double standard in our relationship.

He often talks about celebrities that he finds attractive and even other girls. I don't mind celebrities much because well most of the time I agree. But if I bring up something minor (which must not be minor to him) such as my sister will be talking about a show and say the actor is cute and I just say I agree or something like that. My bf will then start to say "well i'm glad my girlfriend thinks this. I am just going to go out and find myself a hot girl tonight then" or something like that. This always occurs after he is talking about some hot actress... I think he is kidding but it always hurts. Maybe it is the double standards that hurt me the most.

 

From what you describe his jealousy is growing out of bounds, and this is the right time to tackle it.

 

I think you are right. Better to start early than later! It has started to slowly get worse and I do know I'm taking it worse because I'm a very independent person. I also have never had any jealousy issues in any of my past relationships. Just something I am not used to. :eek:

 

 

Have you talked to him about how you feel about this? It may seem awkward at first but being able to talk about issues such as this will tell you a lot about the quality of the relationship, and if you're able to work it out it'll strengthen it even more.If you brought it up, how did he respond?

 

I have tried to talk to him about it but he always gets very defensive and says something like "I don's want to talk about this now". He also sometimes makes excuses or just continues to say things like I'm in the wrong or bring in other people like "well my friends (who are girls) would never do this so I don't think you should do this" or "this isn't something I would want my future wife to do so".

Perhaps I am going about it wrong? Maybe I should take some time when we are away from the fight? I am always scared to do that just because it will bring up a new fight and he will just say "I don't want to talk about this now". Another worry of mine is I'm not sure if I can compromise any more. I have already given up a lot of my favorite shows and many my friends have commented that I have been MIA lately.

:o

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as far as the rest of your post, it does sound like he is over the top with it....but could some of his jealousy and insecurities stem from your actions?

 

Maybe it could? There could be actions I take that I am not aware of. It could be how I react to his jealousy? Or maybe I'm not conservative enough for him? These are probably good questions to ask him.

 

I do think it has something with his ex who cheated on him.

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Enchanted Girl

He sounds controlling and overly controlling behavior in a relationship can be abusive.

 

I especially say this because of his double standard about looking at celebrities and also the way he tries to guilt you and make you feel miserable about doing the same thing. It's manipulative to say,"Okay, you made this one mistake, so I'm going to cheat on you." I've never told my boyfriend that even once before, regardless of the fight.

 

I can understand someone not wanting you to look at other people or see them naked as long as they are following the same standards themselves, but he isn't.

 

And he's expecting you to give up your entire life and focus solely on him so he can have complete control over everything you do. Relationships are about compromise and so far, you haven't given any indication that he's trying to compromise with you in any area. He's just dictating things to you.

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Dexter Morgan
call me kooky, but maybe he doesn't want to hear it, and your need to make your attractions known to him, celebrity or not, is not something a SO really cares to hear.

 

Very good point. I will try to be more aware of it.

 

You are right and I am aware that he does not like me talking about attractiveness of anyone celebrity or not but what gets me is I feel like we have a double standard in our relationship.

He often talks about celebrities that he finds attractive and even other girls.

 

and have you called him on this? I'd feel damn stupid if I told a gf how hot another woman is, but then got mad when she did it too.

 

next time he makes a comment tell him, "look, you don't want me making comments about other men, so why do you feel its ok that you do it?"

 

 

I don't mind celebrities much because well most of the time I agree. But if I bring up something minor (which must not be minor to him) such as my sister will be talking about a show and say the actor is cute and I just say I agree or something like that. My bf will then start to say "well i'm glad my girlfriend thinks this.

 

I kind of understand where he is coming from, but I have told a gf in the past that its natural to appreciate the attractiveness of others, but then told her to keep it to herself that I don't want to hear it.

 

she got all snippy with me and I simply asked her, "why would you think I would want to know that you think another guy is hot?"

 

she couldn't answer me.

 

 

I am just going to go out and find myself a hot girl tonight then" or something like that.

 

I'd say back to him, "I never said anything about meeting another guy...so if you want to go find a hot girl, better get cleaned up and hop to it....good luck"

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Dexter Morgan
Maybe it could? There could be actions I take that I am not aware of. It could be how I react to his jealousy? Or maybe I'm not conservative enough for him? These are probably good questions to ask him.

 

I do think it has something with his ex who cheated on him.

 

I believe that has alot to do with it as well. On one hand, I can't blame him because in my view, and no, this isn't a judgement of you, someone that feels the need to push someone elses good looks in their significant other's face is probably not the most trustworthy person. Again, not saying you feel the need to push.

 

on the other hand, he has to realize....you are not his ex.

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lordWilhelm

I have tried to talk to him about it but he always gets very defensive and says something like "I don's want to talk about this now". He also sometimes makes excuses or just continues to say things like I'm in the wrong or bring in other people like "well my friends (who are girls) would never do this so I don't think you should do this" or "this isn't something I would want my future wife to do so".

Perhaps I am going about it wrong? Maybe I should take some time when we are away from the fight? I am always scared to do that just because it will bring up a new fight and he will just say "I don't want to talk about this now". Another worry of mine is I'm not sure if I can compromise any more. I have already given up a lot of my favorite shows and many my friends have commented that I have been MIA lately.

:o

 

Sorry to hear that he's not being very receptive to talking openly about it with you... being defensive and avoiding this discussion is probably the least effective way to deal with this.

 

Here's a question for you: how do you bring this discussion up to him? Do you think you might be making him feel put on the spot and guilty about it, perhaps that may be why he reacts in this way.

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With these people who go way outside the bounds of regular relationship behaviour and start treating you as property to be controlled rather than a partner with equally valid opinions I think it's important to draw a firm line, early.

 

If you allow this behaviour, you justify it in his own mind. You need to take a stand straight away. Show your outrage and indignation that he dare dictate such petty rules to you to soothe his frail ego.

 

They need to learn from day 1 that their behaviour is not acceptable, or they get worse.

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I have a couple thoughts on this.

 

1. Do you share with him often how attractive you think he is? I have a lot of insecurities unfortunately, but one positive thing my bf does is try to say one nice compliment about me a day. He might mention how smart I am when I help him proofread an e-mail or tell me that my hair looks really nice. Just little things. And that helps remember that no matter who else he thinks is attractive, he loves me for all these different little reasons.

 

2. How often are you talking about other men? My bf used to mention hot actresses and celebrities a lot and just didn't realize how often he was doing it. I think the advice to "keep it to yourself" is good. Maybe you only discuss that stuff with girl friends, unless of course he brings it up.

 

3. Be cautious about the other stuff -- like him not wanting you to ever leave his side at a party. That might be an indication of an incompatibility between you two. Some people just don't have the outgoing personality to be able to make friends and start conversations with strangers, so he may never feel comfortable with you leaving him on his own in a social setting like that. That is one thing that's very important for me, as my personality is naturally outgoing/social and I also am very communication-oriented in my work. It's important to me that someone I date be comfortable talking with people he doesn't know well.

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