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So here's a hypothetical


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You are with somebody you are pretty serious with, maybe it's love, maybe its not, doesn't really matter you've been with them for 2-3 years and you're very serious, maybe even to the 'get married' serious.

 

Some situation comes up and they cheat on you whether just a kiss or further doesn't matter, maybe it was drink or drugs or social preassure or a moment of lust or WHATEVER the reason they feel absolutely terrible, would never have done it under normal circumstances and honestly intend to never get into a situation like that again.

 

Your SO is torn up by guilt and honestly feels terrible about what happens. They're not going to cheat again, they honestly love/care for you alot.

 

So here's the question. Would you want them to tell you?

 

My answer: no, I don't want to know.

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Yes. I don't want to be the only one who doesn't know what he did, regardless of why or how he did it. And I want to know what he is capable of under certain circumstances, the kind of man he is when faced with temptation and a choice. Also, there's always a reason for that sort of thing and it could happen again since it happened the first time. Finally, if he didn't tell me, there would always be that lie between us, creating distance.

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Yes. I don't want to be the only one who doesn't know what he did, regardless of why or how he did it. And I want to know what he is capable of under certain circumstances, the kind of man he is when faced with temptation and a choice. Also, there's always a reason for that sort of thing and it could happen again since it happened the first time. Finally, if he didn't tell me, there would always be that lie between us, creating distance.

 

Given that this is just a hypothetical even if it was a once in a lifetime thing would never happen again you'd still want to know? Maybe he did something stupid, felt terrible afterwards and made a commitment to himself and to you that he would never cheat on another girl again (hey it could happen!).

 

I think I saw a House episode that asked this.

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If it was truly guaranteed that it would never happen again, I wouldn't want to know.

 

However, in life there are no such guarantees. ;)

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However, in life there are no such guarantees. ;)

 

I believe that is true with few exceptions, just as a for instance I've lived 20+ years as an obese person, and while most obese people will lose weight and put it back on, or get part way to 'healthy' and screw up again, I've made a commitment to myself that I will never ever let myself get the way I used to be again. Of course time will tell but I'd like to believe there are some people out there who might feel the same way after they hurt somebody else like this.

 

maybe...?

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Given that this is just a hypothetical even if it was a once in a lifetime thing would never happen again you'd still want to know? Maybe he did something stupid, felt terrible afterwards and made a commitment to himself and to you that he would never cheat on another girl again (hey it could happen!).

 

As Elswyth said, there are no guarantees. HE could certainly never guarantee it, since he didn't intend for it to happen in the first place in your hypothetical.

 

Even if there were some way to guarantee it, I would want to know. I do not want him making the decision for me about whether I would want to stay with him or not. It's my life, our relationship - I want to know what kind of man I'm with and be able to make an informed decision about my life and our relationship. I do not want him making that decision for me, especially since he was the one who made the decision to cheat in the first place.

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Hop_prophet

Well in fantasy land maybe not. In reality someone who does that to you once is very likely to do it again so yes I would absolutely want to know. It says a lot about a person if they are willing to betray the person they are closest to. Promising to themselves never do it again is pointless, they already broke the commitment.

 

If they hide it from you, then I don't think they are truly remorseful anyway.

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sweetjasmine

I'd want to know for these reasons:

Even if there were some way to guarantee it, I would want to know. I do not want him making the decision for me about whether I would want to stay with him or not. It's my life, our relationship - I want to know what kind of man I'm with and be able to make an informed decision about my life and our relationship. I do not want him making that decision for me, especially since he was the one who made the decision to cheat in the first place.

 

Besides, booze/drugs/peer pressure are all really horrible excuses, and if all it takes is peer pressure for him to cheat, then he must either not be very much into the relationship or must have some issues I don't want to deal with.

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Dexter Morgan
You are with somebody you are pretty serious with, maybe it's love, maybe its not, doesn't really matter you've been with them for 2-3 years and you're very serious, maybe even to the 'get married' serious.

 

Some situation comes up and they cheat on you whether just a kiss or further doesn't matter, maybe it was drink or drugs or social preassure or a moment of lust or WHATEVER the reason they feel absolutely terrible, would never have done it under normal circumstances and honestly intend to never get into a situation like that again.

 

Your SO is torn up by guilt and honestly feels terrible about what happens. They're not going to cheat again, they honestly love/care for you alot.

 

So here's the question. Would you want them to tell you?

 

yup. I don't like to be the unknowing fool. and I like to decide if the person I am with is worthy of me or not. I don't like them making that decision for me.

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Yes i want to know its not right that I cant make my own choice on weather I want to be with that person or not.Trust is the most important part of any relationship.it could be a mistake but more then once is not and I could find out later which I would not forgive the lies.Would you want to know or would you like to suspect it forever.I married because I loved and thought I could trust and be protected.

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IMO I think I would want to know. BY not letting the other person know, then you're basically saying they have no choice to decide if they want to remain in the relationship or not, to me thats not really fair. They should be able to have a say so in the matter. By not telling them, it lets whatever you had done (meaning to or not) off the hook.After all, that would be the whole point in not telling them, correct? Or yeah and not wanting to hurt them too. The whole mind set would be, what they don't know wont hurt them, so if that is something people can sit back and say "Whew, got by on that one." and feel ok with it,then go for it. Personally I would want to know.

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IMO I think I would want to know. BY not letting the other person know, then you're basically saying they have no choice to decide if they want to remain in the relationship or not, to me thats not really fair. They should be able to have a say so in the matter. By not telling them, it lets whatever you had done (meaning to or not) off the hook.After all, that would be the whole point in not telling them, correct? Or yeah and not wanting to hurt them too. The whole mind set would be, what they don't know wont hurt them, so if that is something people can sit back and say "Whew, got by on that one." and feel ok with it,then go for it. Personally I would want to know.

 

I'm just thinking purely from a cheated on standpoint, I think it's always the right thing to tell the person, but I'm just asking if you'd want to know.

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legallyblonde289

i want to know. especially if it happened at a party or something where people who i knew were there. i find it very humiliating and embarassing in a situation where everyone knows that your bf cheated on you but you. besides i have the right to know and decide whether i can deal with it (and if he had unprotected sex get his ass tested)

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If you asked me would I want to know the day of my own death... I would say NO....

 

Same logic for this... Let my SO make the decison... because thats how it is in real life. I'd wan't to know if it happened and my SO wanted to tell me.... vice versa I don't need to have some magic power to just know when I was lied to or go snooping ect. You need to have trust in people and some things are easy to spot. Like if you are no longer close to a person you really don't need to prove it... just leave them for thath

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My now-wife cheated on me with two different guys after we had been seeing each other a year and were supposedly "exclusive" (well I was, anyway).

 

She was working out of town that summer so we were in an LDR for that summer. The first guy she cheated with was definitely an emotional thing, she worked with him. She was the pursuer. She pursued him until she caught him. She ended up having sex with him in an alley behind the restaurant they'd had dinner at, next to a dumpster. Nice, huh?

 

She claims that was the "only" time they had sex because he had a girlfriend. Also, she was on her period when they had sex and apparently some of the blood got on his penis. He freaked out and made her go the next day for STD/AIDS testing.

 

I remember talking to her on the phone the day after it happened. She didn't tell me what happened at the time, of course, just said that she had been "to dinner" the night before, with a "friend from work," and she was actually bragging about eating a kind of fish dish off of his fork...I knew right then that something was very wrong because she hates fish, you couldn't force it down her throat, she would never eat fish when we went out. But she's eating it off this guy's fork??? I remember getting angry but she just made me feel like I was being irrationally jealous. That's how it always is, right?

 

Then later on at the end of the summer she went out to dinner with a different guy that she worked with, went home with him, and f*cked him.

 

This was in the summer of 1991. I met her and started going out with her in 1990. We have been married since 1993.

 

How did I find out about this stuff? About a year ago (2009), we were talking about our history together, reminisicing. I happened to mention yet a different incident which had occurred after we had only been going out two-three months. We were at a party and she "disappeared" for 20-30 minutes. When I finally saw her again she was talking with some other guy. I saw them clasp hands momentarily and she looked at him and licked her lips seductively. I will never forget that.

 

At the time, i.e. when that happened at that party, I took her into an empty bedroom and laid down the law to her. I was angry as sh*t. Especially because she had been married before, and had gotten divorced the year before for.....cheating on her first husband with a married man she met at her job!!! I told her I wouldn't put up with that ****. (Yeah right.) She denied being "up to" anything with this guy, but she had her hand clenched. I asked her to unclench her hand. In it was a little scrap of paper. With the guy's phone number on it. Gee how did that get there?

 

Anyway last year around this time of the year we were talking about how we met, our relationship history...and I brought up the "incident at the party", where she flirted (or whatever the h*ll she did) with that guy, and I got mad at her, and (I thought) laid down the law.

 

She claimed she didn't remember that incident at all. (She still claims not to remember THAT incident, at all.)

 

I knew something was completely screwed up because I will never forget that party incident.

 

But when we talked about it last year (2009), she was insistent that she could not remember that incident we had at the party in 1990/early 1991 (I think it was a Christmas party of some kind, I can't remember, it was around that time of year).

 

I pressed her on it and finally she looked me in the eyes and said: "There's never been anyone else but you."

 

Which was comforting but struck me as "off" a little bit. Can't say why.

 

So I let it drop and then a week later we got into a fight about something where I thought she was disrespecting me. So I just told her that I didn't know what was wrong, but I always thought there was something "between us", a lack of communication, indefinable...but she still said she couldn't remember the party. But I kept after her.

 

So finally she sits down and says "OK do you really want to know the truth, do you think you can handle it?"

 

[How does one respond to that question?]

 

So I said yes, and she proceeds to tell me the "truth" about these two guys she screwed that summer, but of course it wasn't the whole truth, it changed and evolved over the next couple of weeks. Still no memory about the party. And what happened there that I saw; and what might have happened that I didn't have a chance to see because Elvis had left the building, so to speak.

 

Finally she gave me a written "confession" about five pages long, she had to make a few more changes as it kept trickling out.

 

Oh yes a couple of weeks later she added the interesting tidbit that during sex, for our entire marriage, she always had to fantasize about other people (some real, some imaginary) in order to have an orgasm. Every time. "Even on our honeymoon?" Yes even on our honeymoon. (That was the same day that I told her I wished she would drink a quart of Drano and die. I guess I wasn't in the most jovial mood that day.)

 

This was right before mother's day which was wonderful as well. I remember going over to my mother in law's house for brunch on mother's day and spending the entire time controlling the urge to blurt this sh*t out to her mother (my mother in law). Fortunately I didn't as it wouldn't have done anyone any good.

 

So, with that context, getting back to your question: Would I have wanted to "know" at the time? Certainly, but I never would have married her had I known. And my wife says after that summer she came back and "never" cheated on me again because she realized she screwed up big time and didn't tell me, because if she told me, I would dump her. (Well what else would she say 18 years after the fact?)

 

We seem to be getting along just fine, in some ways we are closer than ever.

 

Am I sorry I married her, overall? No, overall, she's been a very good wife to me, as far as I know. And a great mom to our children. Would I have married her, had I known at the time? No, I can't see our relationship surviving that kind of a disclosure at that time. Even 18 years after the fact it was a shock. Although not completely unexpected given her "track record" with her first husband. (3 year affair with co-worker leading to divorce from first husband.)

 

Has she told me "everything"? I want to believe that, I tell myself I believe that. It usually feels like I know everything, except...cheaters never tell everything. They just don't. I'm not sure why my wife should be the exception just because she's my wife. And then there's her total memory lapse about "the party incident."

 

It's just as likely that she went off somewhere with the other guy and gave him a blowjob in his car or in a linen closet or something, which would explain the disappearance and flirtatious behavior. For her to claim she doesn't remember the fight we had is frankly ridiculous; I can have a temper and I was shouting at her, or at least talking very loudly. It was a fight. And of course if she actually did blow the guy, or whatever, she's never going to tell me that. It's one thing to screw around on me when we're hundreds of miles apart; another to do it practically in my face, with friends all around us.

 

Has she cheated on me at any other times either before or after we got marrried? Here's the funny thing: I don't really have any evidence or reason to believe that she did, other than what I've already talked about, but you know what? I would have no way of knowing/finding out what happened 10, 15, 20 years ago. The only reason I know about the cheating is because she finally decided to tell me. Why she told me after all this time, even she doesn't really know. She thought she could bury it but maybe along the way she actually developed a conscience.

 

I also know that cheaters always minimize. The second guy she screwed that summer, she claimed was a more or less drunken ONS. But you know what? That's kind of what all cheaters do when they're caught, they minimize the depth of the involvement. Of course she didn't have to tell me anything about either of those guys. She could have been screwing guy #2 all summer long but maybe felt just telling me it was a ONS would "suffice" as "full disclosure."

 

If my wife is truly "reformed" and has finally told me the "entire truth"--and believe me, I still periodically ask her if I now "know everything" and she always says yes, but of course that means nothing--then I realize it is simply luck. Most people in my situation do NOT have anything resembling a "happy" ending and do NOT get anything near "the entire truth."

 

I was even thinking about getting a lie detector test for a while, but just haven't gone through with it, and now I think it's almost beside the point.

 

Yes I would have wanted to know, at the time; no I would not have continued the relationship (I hope to God I would not have, anyway); no I do not regret that I have my current life, marriage, kids, even with this cr*p.

 

Do I think about my wife's infidelity every day?

 

Yes, every day. Even though it happened 18 years ago. Maybe that's because I've only known for about a year.

 

This sh*t is complicated.

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No, I do not want to know.

 

If it is not important why should i want to go through to this pain and put myself in this distressing situation. It is in the past and it is not going to happen again. I do not like to think that people who make a mistake cannot change. Everyone makes mistakes.

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samsungxoxo

If it was only kissing/making out and nothing went further (he truly is guilty) then NO, keep it to yourself... don't waste my time with your pointless confession. I would just end up telling him ''Ok and why are you telling this stuff, was it something you wanted to accomplish''?

However, if we're talking about a full blown affair then yes tell me every single detail so I can dump you very fast. My health is super important to me and there's nothing worst than sharing your body with someone else other than your SO... the image would totally disgust me.

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I could have sworn I already answered this.

 

I wouldn't want to know if it was a "one off" fling and everything before and since was okay. Don't dump your guilt on me and make me feel bad just because you do. Your guilt is the punishment so live with it!

 

Serial cheating needs to be exposed but that is unlikely to change and serial cheaters never feel guilty. I think they enjoy it.

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I could have sworn I already answered this.

 

I wouldn't want to know if it was a "one off" fling and everything before and since was okay. Don't dump your guilt on me and make me feel bad just because you do. Your guilt is the punishment so live with it!

 

Serial cheating needs to be exposed but that is unlikely to change and serial cheaters never feel guilty. I think they enjoy it.

 

I agree with you.

 

I wouldn't want to know! If it was a one time, drunken, never happen again mistake- don't tell me.

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Citizen Erased

Yes I would want to know. So I know to dump them and never look their way again.

 

People that keep this to themselves do it to save their own arse, not because they love their SO and don't want to lose them. If that was the case, you wouldn't have cheated.

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You Go Girl

I think some of you are missing the benefit of a confession. It can actually bring you closer together. It reveals that yes, you made a mistake, you're human. You talk about it, sort it out.

These things happened in my teens and twenties. I think age has a lot to do with it. When it happens when you're older, it's not the same type of mistake as when younger. When older you really DO have a lot more self-control, and make calculated decisions.

That said, youth will get that much more upset over a simple kiss, yet older people would think the entire thing through, weighing the relationship's health overall.

Was their intimacy in the relationship at the time of the indescretion?

Was there distance, miles, weeks of not seeing each other?

Was intoxicants involved?

Was the relationship in trouble before this happened?

 

Every single situation is unique. There's no black or white answer to these questions.

Yes-- tell me, because it will improve communication, and I am not your fool.

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I think some of you are missing the benefit of a confession. It can actually bring you closer together. It reveals that yes, you made a mistake, you're human. You talk about it, sort it out.

These things happened in my teens and twenties. I think age has a lot to do with it. When it happens when you're older, it's not the same type of mistake as when younger. When older you really DO have a lot more self-control, and make calculated decisions.

That said, youth will get that much more upset over a simple kiss, yet older people would think the entire thing through, weighing the relationship's health overall.

Was their intimacy in the relationship at the time of the indescretion?

Was there distance, miles, weeks of not seeing each other?

Was intoxicants involved?

Was the relationship in trouble before this happened?

 

Every single situation is unique. There's no black or white answer to these questions.

Yes-- tell me, because it will improve communication, and I am not your fool.

 

Even with really good communication if this happened to me the relationship would NEVER be the same. I'd probably break up with the person, if not right away eventually when I realize I'll never really get over it. Which would be a shame if the person honestly loves me and would never do it again. Telling me could in theory ruin a perfectly good relationship.

 

Its a whole different thing if this is a repeated offense or an actual affair, but I wouldn't want to know about one single isolated incident that never should have happened but did.

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Art_Critic
Would you want them to tell you?

 

Of course I would...

 

If I am not told then that person is depriving me of the one thing it takes me in order to operate and make decisions in my life..

They would be taking away my ability to make an informed decision.

 

While it would hurt it would also be the best thing as I then could go forward in my decisions knowing all the facts to be able to always make informed decisions.

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Of course I would...

 

If I am not told then that person is depriving me of the one thing it takes me in order to operate and make decisions in my life..

They would be taking away my ability to make an informed decision.

 

While it would hurt it would also be the best thing as I then could go forward in my decisions knowing all the facts to be able to always make informed decisions.

 

So you'd be happier making an informed decision where you choose to either break up or stay with somebody you've (assumably) lost a modicum of respect for.

 

Rather than remaining ignorant, never being the wiser, but living in a relationship you enjoy with somebody you respect?

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