HughesPat Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 Okay, so I'm kind of looking for advice for myself, but I'm also really searching to help out my best friend. My best friend and I have been dating on and off for over 5 years. In the first two months that we started dating, she was just 14, and went to a camp for the summer. During that time she cheated on me with not 1 but 5 guys. When she came back, she realized that she had really screwed up, but for the longest time was too afraid to tell me. About a year later, she finally broke down and told me. At that point, though, I felt I could forgive her, and I knew (as I know now) that I could still trust her. A year after that, however, she decided she needed a break because she felt that she hadn't yet been able to forgive herself, and needed some time apart. So we did that for a few months, but soon found ourselves back together. A couple months later, we broke up again for the same reason. As time has gone by, this has turned into a cycle. We never stop really wanting to be together, but she keeps hitting a point where she feels the guilt becomes overwhelming. She feels guilty whenever she's around any other guys during the times that we are dating, but feels like she always wants to still be with me when we take time apart. I'm starting to think that taking time apart is running away from the problem more than doing anything productive. What can I do, (or what advice would you give her) to help in forgiving herself? It's been years, and she's the most trust worthy person I know. She screwed up and now needs to forgive herself. What can we do? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 1, 2003 Share Posted July 1, 2003 I don't think she feels guilty at all. I think she told you about this and later told you about her guilt feelings in order to try to weasel out of the relationship since she has no eperience breaking up. Gimmee a break...it took her a year to tell you about this. Now, all of a sudden, she's got this big guilt thing. I don't buy it. If you want to give her the benefit of the doubt, just tell her you trust her and if she doesn't believe you it's obvious she doesn't trust you...so the relationship can end. Simple as that. She's very young and has a lot of traveling to do before she settles down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HughesPat Posted July 1, 2003 Author Share Posted July 1, 2003 maybe I was unclear when I typed what I had... First of all, it's something that happened 5 years ago. AND after breaking up, we ended up getting back together 4 months later. 4 months later we got back together, 4 months after that we break up, etc... It's been going back and forth for close to 4 years, and trust me, she is definatly feeling guilty. It's an issue of Shame - something that clings to you and tells you you are worthless. It affects a lot more than just the two of us too. She feels guilty whenever she's around other guys, and is constantly pushing everyone out of her life because she is convinced that she's going to screw everything up. She has gone from being friendly and open, to being afraid to have anyone as a friend (guys & girls). She knows she's forgiven and trusts me on that issue, but she can't forgive herself. She doesn't see herself as worthy of my forgiveness, no matter how freely it is given. As a result, she's not really willing to accept forgiveness. And frankly, since we currently are broken up, I'm not struggling to get back together. I'd like to, in part, because she means a lot to me, but I'm not entirely sure if that's the best plan. However, she is also my best friend, and my concern for her is primarily as a friend. No matter how young someone is, I don't feel they should be putting themself through 5 years of mental anguish and self hatred. I'm just at the end of my rope and don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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