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Girlfriend cheated - but she still denys it?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

Old 3rd February 2010, 9:17 AM   #1
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Girlfriend cheated - but she still denys it?

This isn't a bragging thread, but I just wanted to know if I handled this right. Long backstory to this, so please take the time to read if you want to reply.

I started dating her 11 months ago, everything was good. She had been in many, short flings before, while I was into more serious and longer relationships. At the start, with the honeymoon period, everything went well, and while I was jealous of her constant flirting with guys, I only brought it up minimally because she would always convince me that she was just "being friendly" to them, and I "can't stop her from having male friends". In hindsight, I also realise that she also used to try to make me jealous a lot, by constantly talking about her previous boyfriends and what male friends she used to like but chose me over them. I was unsure, but I went with it.

So on we went, all was good. Later she took a trip into the country, about 5-6 hours away with her friends, clearly I wasn't invited as it was a "girls week away" kinda thing - I wasn't worried at all, because I'm very close friends with her friends, and they assured me that she would do nothing.

So I called her a few times just to check if she was alright, but didn't really smother her - I kept myself busy. When she comes back, she relays to me everything that happened, or so I thought at the time. She says that the group of them met up with a few guys, and that they went back to their house just to hang out. My girlfriend then told me that one of her friends hooked up with a guy, but that friend constantly told my girlfriend not to get any ideas. In fact, my girlfriend said to me that she rejected a guy and that guy was mad at her because of it. Yeah, that jealousy thing again.

So I trusted her completely at this point. Then, on NYE, she went out again with her girls, and I went out with my guys - "bros before hos", "chicks before dicks". We're young, and that stuff (stupidly) matters at our age.

My girlfriend's friend called me and asked how I was going, we had a conversation, I asked how my girlfriend was going and she said "Not behaving as well as I'd like." I asked; "How?", and she replied, "Oh I'm just kidding, she's been very good, she always pushes the guys away that try to feel her up." Again, my girlfriend comes back to me on the new year and repeats the same story.

However, as the days went by, I found out that my girlfriend's friends haven't talked to her since NYE - I asked why, and they said "She's just been busy all the time, hasn't she been talking to you?" I said, "Yeah, she has, we talk on the phone a couple times a week.", and they were like "Oh...". Now my suspicions arose, even though my girlfriend was keeping up the lovey dovey talk and the sweet messages.

When we get back to college, my friends (girlfriend's friends) instantly pulled me aside and say "<name> cheated on you."

I was dumbstruck. My friends wouldn't say this to me unless they were 100% sure, and they would NEVER lie to me about this. I asked them "What, how?" and they told me these details.

  • She's had a history of cheating in the past, against two boyfriends. (I never knew, probably because they wanted us to have a good relationship)
  • She flirts a lot with guys when I'm not around, more than I knew.
  • She never tells guys that come onto her that she has a boyfriend.
  • She's a habitual liar (I know this, but I can normally sift out the lies... at least the innocent ones).
  • At the "girls week away", she hooked up with a guy at their house. They found this out by calling ALL of the guys who were there, and they all said "Yes, <name> hooked up with <my girlfriend> for a little while."
  • At NYE, both my friends who were there saw a guy kissing her neck, and while she was attempting to push him away, my friends were saying that it wasn't sincere and she was barely trying. She was drunk, but thats no excuse - I know people who can get completely smashed and still say no.

So I went with her with this information, and she instantly got mad at me, saying "It's not true." and pushed me away, saying "I don't want to deal with you right now."

Later, I called her, and she kept going on about how I don't trust her, and turned it RIGHT around, saying she can't be with someone who doesn't trust her, and it'll ruin our relationship forever, and we should just end it.

I went along with this, knowing that I didn't want a mutual breakup, not for her. So (yes I'm a dick), I went along and convinced her to try and get back together, and convinced her that I trust her fully. She said she "doesn't know", and "I can't.. I'm sorry, I still love you but I can't right now."

The day after, I went up to her and said to her "Do you still want to be with me?" and she said "I don't know... I'm not sure if it's worth it, but we can try..." and I said "No, its over. Maybe you can finally admit it to me one day." and walked right away, hearing her shout "Fine, just believe those bitches if you want to." She still denys it her friends tell me, and she hasn't talked to me, called me or texted me since that encounter.

It was hard and it hurt... but did I do the right thing? And... I suppose the question is... was she really cheating?

Thanks to whoever reads all of this and replies, it means a lot.
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Old 3rd February 2010, 9:26 AM   #2
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dude, my last girlfriend cheated on me. when i first confronted her, she said it was just a kiss. i talked to the guy and how told me about things they did and all the times they had sex. she never admitted to having sex with him more than one time. of course, we broke up, but there's still been plenty of contact and it's taken 6 months of constantly grilling her to tell me the truth about what happened for her to do just that. girls will lie lie lie lie lie lie lie and believe their own lies. your girl definitely cheated on you.
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Old 3rd February 2010, 7:54 PM   #3
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You know when something isn't adding up. My fiancÚ cheated on me and it was about 2 months before I caught her even though I already had my suspicions.

It hurts anytime someone gets cheated on but you did what most people can't do (like myself) separate. It’s the best things for you. Maybe in the future when she matures a bit thing could work out but now it's best to move on, don't dwell on it. Enjoy what you were doing.
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Old 3rd February 2010, 8:45 PM   #4
 
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From her behaviour, she sounds like an attention whore. And I agree with Bleed, she definitely cheated on you. When you raised the issue with her, she immediately tried to turn it around and put you on the defensive, playing the "don't you trust me?" card. A person with nothing to hide would have tried to reassure you calmly. Instead she chose to obscure the issue and make it about YOUR misdeed, i.e. being suspicious of her. That speaks volumes. You see that kind of thing all the time from cheaters -- when their partner has been looking on the computer and finds evidence of cheating, the cheater almost always flips it around and goes off on the betrayed for violating their privacy. It's absolutely textbook.

You don't even have a year invested in her. Forget about her. You're better off without her, and without a raging case of chlamydia. (Get checked for STDs, then get on with your life.)
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Old 3rd February 2010, 10:00 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reservoirdog1 View Post
From her behaviour, she sounds like an attention whore. And I agree with Bleed, she definitely cheated on you. When you raised the issue with her, she immediately tried to turn it around and put you on the defensive, playing the "don't you trust me?" card. A person with nothing to hide would have tried to reassure you calmly. Instead she chose to obscure the issue and make it about YOUR misdeed, i.e. being suspicious of her. That speaks volumes. You see that kind of thing all the time from cheaters -- when their partner has been looking on the computer and finds evidence of cheating, the cheater almost always flips it around and goes off on the betrayed for violating their privacy. It's absolutely textbook.

You don't even have a year invested in her. Forget about her. You're better off without her, and without a raging case of chlamydia. (Get checked for STDs, then get on with your life.)
Exactly. Sound advice from this guy. The first time I confronted my ex about cheating, mere DAYS after it happened for the first time, she WENT OFF about how I was violating her privacy (I looked in her history and saw FB convos with a guy I'd been suspicious about and driving directions to his house on a date I couldn't get in touch with her). She flipped a table over with tons of valuables on it. Started crying. Everything. Months later I found out she'd been with the guy and it took 6 months after that for her to come totally clean (although she's STILL lying about certain things, she's told most of the truth) about what really happened.

I went full NC earlier this week after trying to since I first found out she cheated. We didn't get back into a relationship but we still kept in contact and had lots of sex for those 6 months. I've been having sex with other girls too, but it doesn't help me move on because I'm not over what my ex did and she still broke my heart. The only way to heal is to cut her completely out of my life and I think I'm strong enough to do it now. Approaching a week of NC (probably never done more than 2 weeks since finding out) and it's hard but I'm hanging in there.

Good luck with your situation. I'd strongly suggest trying to completely cut her out of your life as soon as possible.

Last edited by Bleed Internal; 3rd February 2010 at 10:04 PM..
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Old 4th February 2010, 6:38 AM   #6
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Hey guys, thanks for all the reinforcement - you've REALLY helped to clear my head out, even if it still hurts.

It's been very hard the past couple of days now, and I still have strong feelings for her, but I'm not going back - it's not worth it. Of course, she denies it (I spelled it right this time ) and denies it, but things just don't add up. Like reservoirdog said, it's all textbook stuff.

The thing I don't understand is why she would lie - is it to avoid guilt, or perhaps to avoid causing harm to me? (If it's the latter, then why cheat at all, is my opinion.) Also the whole "don't you trust me?" part doesn't add up either - I can understand that if she didn't cheat, she WILL be hurt if I don't trust her, but shouldn't she have explained it to me rationally and logically instead of just blurting out that I have trust issues?

I'm just mulling things over, trying to support myself - but you guys played a great deal in helping me: Thanks
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Old 4th February 2010, 10:39 AM   #7
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I'm sorry that this happened to you, but the fact that your girlfriend hasn't provided any assurance to you despite whatever information her friends imparted to you is a huge red flag. The reason why she's lying to you even now is because she desperately wants to avoid the debilitating feelings of guilt over what she did.

Try not to get into her head, you'll never be able to figure out what her motives were. Be glad that you've only invested 11 months and not more in your relationship and just move on. Unless you want more drama and heartache, I would cut her out of your life.
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