lovinglyconfused Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 I am 26 and I have been married for 5 years. I absolutely love my husband, the sex is still wonderful, he treats me great, and we both have the same goals in mind for our family. We have a 3 year old son and are trying for another. There have never been any real bumps in our relationship because we both normally see everything eye to eye and are really good at dealing with our conflicts. Neither my husband or I have ever slept with any one else. Not a religious thing, I've always been a little embarassed about my body and things. I'm a little too akward with things, even though I get compliments I just don't listen to them. My husband is very good looking and very well built thanks to his construction background, but he was always more focused on school and working. Thank god for him, because I have a little of a shopping addiction I am trying to curb and he makes enough to handle it when I get off the boat, but will always laugh and tell me he thinks its a little adorable. I know that he is my match and I will never find another person who gets me and understands all my compulsions, analisms, and quirks like he does. Here's the issue: I met someone who is my vision of the guy that I always wanted to marry. He is a friend of my boss's boyfriends. Her bf and this guy are with the police department, so the nights that her bf works we usually will go out with their friends...other officers. My husband works nights on the weekends so I hang out with her alot, we get along great. I met this guy and everytime we go out with them, it is very apparent that there could very easily be something between us. I don't want to do anything, I can't do that to my husband, but I cannot for the life of me stop thinking about him. I even tried not going out with them, but that has become almost impossible. I end up calling them or they call me by the end of the night...I just can't escape him. Here's the other problem: my husband has complete trust in me about these things. He doesn't get jealous and lets me have my fun time when I need to. I like going out, I like being sociable, and my son does not get a lack of attention or affection from me. He is my world. I don't have too many boundaries with my husband. I can flirt, I have dinner with guy friends that I have known for many years, etc. I tell my husband everything that happens on the nights I go out and he thinks that I am funny when I have my little man crushes. However, this is not a crush...this could be way more than that if I let it. This other guy has never pressured, pushed, or anything like that. He just says the door is open if I ever change my mind. Do I want to change my mind? I don't think so. I think the biggest thing is that I am curious because I have never been with another man and this guy is my dream persona for one. What do I do? How am I supposed to deal with this? Should I sleep with him just to get it out of my system and not say anything or just keep tortoring myself mentally? Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 wtf? You think sleeping with him will "get it out of your system"? You can secretly sleep with him and ruin everything you and your HUSBAND have together when the truth comes out, and it will, or you can do the right thing and tell your husband(whom you dont seem to have any actual respect for) how you are feeling and maybe suggest you two take a break so that you can pursue your feelings with the other guy... Or you can break contact with the other guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 I am 26 and I have been married for 5 years. I absolutely love my husband, the sex is still wonderful, he treats me great, and we both have the same goals in mind for our family. We have a 3 year old son and are trying for another. There have never been any real bumps in our relationship because we both normally see everything eye to eye and are really good at dealing with our conflicts. Neither my husband or I have ever slept with any one else. Not a religious thing, I've always been a little embarassed about my body and things. I'm a little too akward with things, even though I get compliments I just don't listen to them. My husband is very good looking and very well built thanks to his construction background, but he was always more focused on school and working. Thank god for him, because I have a little of a shopping addiction I am trying to curb and he makes enough to handle it when I get off the boat, but will always laugh and tell me he thinks its a little adorable. I know that he is my match and I will never find another person who gets me and understands all my compulsions, analisms, and quirks like he does. Here's the issue: I met someone who is my vision of the guy that I always wanted to marry. He is a friend of my boss's boyfriends. Her bf and this guy are with the police department, so the nights that her bf works we usually will go out with their friends...other officers. My husband works nights on the weekends so I hang out with her alot, we get along great. I met this guy and everytime we go out with them, it is very apparent that there could very easily be something between us. I don't want to do anything, I can't do that to my husband, but I cannot for the life of me stop thinking about him. I even tried not going out with them, but that has become almost impossible. I end up calling them or they call me by the end of the night...I just can't escape him. Here's the other problem: my husband has complete trust in me about these things. He doesn't get jealous and lets me have my fun time when I need to. I like going out, I like being sociable, and my son does not get a lack of attention or affection from me. He is my world. I don't have too many boundaries with my husband. I can flirt, I have dinner with guy friends that I have known for many years, etc. I tell my husband everything that happens on the nights I go out and he thinks that I am funny when I have my little man crushes. However, this is not a crush...this could be way more than that if I let it. This other guy has never pressured, pushed, or anything like that. He just says the door is open if I ever change my mind. Do I want to change my mind? I don't think so. I think the biggest thing is that I am curious because I have never been with another man and this guy is my dream persona for one. What do I do? How am I supposed to deal with this? Should I sleep with him just to get it out of my system and not say anything or just keep tortoring myself mentally? are you serious? I suggest you reread your post because it sounds like a LifeTime Movie of the week. Your first paragraph spills out just how wonderful your husband is, but yet you go on to totally discount your entire marriage and put your life on a path of needles destruction and a shockwave that will affect the future of your family because you are wondering aloud whether or not you should :get it out of your system'? You know, I suggest that you please please please consider the feelings of your husband and your future relationship with your child before you go about this folly. Cheating, while seemingly exciting more often than not needlessly harms innocent people. From the sound of it you seem to be more in love with the idea of the drama of it all rather than understandiung the consequences of it. May I also point out that if your friends are encouraging this in any way they are disrespecting your husband, who is giving you a ton of leeway. I suggest you really be honest with yourself here. I am trying to be as diplomatic as possible. When in reality you need a wakeup call of the highest order. Assume for a moment that you did go through with it. How long could you put up this charade of a happy marriage or look your kid in the eye in later years and tell your child to treat people with respect. Oh and this guy has never pressured you? Telling you "the door is always open" does not seem like a hint to you? You know he will be more happy to hit it and quit it. And believe me you say you tell your husband everything? really? I am being a tad harsh because you need to understand that if you are so gaga over this guy that your feelings will be affected once you do sleep with him. Your Husband(if you are as close as you purport) will pick up on it and he WILL find out one way or another. That is a guarantee. So please think very very hard before this happ[ens, because chjeating is a selfish, conscious decision that while at the time of committal feels gratifying, the fallout that will result once you are discovered will damage you and everyone you say you love for the rest of your lives. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 you have something special with your family and you don't want to mess that up. For starters your husband having trust in you is great but going out with these people can easily destroy everything. You have to have boundaries and right now you don't have any. You simply have a crush on this guy and that will past. But you need to cut him out of your life. YOU ARE ALREADY CHEATING. You should not be talking to this guy about the "door being open". Stop going out with them, shut your phone off when you get home. Do you really think that this guy wants anything more than sex and is that enough to destroy your family over. what you are doing will destroy your H and child Just think about divorcing your H and leaving your son in a broken home. This will happen if you keep this up. Think with your head Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 Also Space Ritual is exactly right. You do not tell your H everything. The fact that you are considering doing this to your H "just to get it out of your system is disgusting". You will never have a real family again and it will always be over your head. You need to be honest with your H and stop trying to have another child. You may be seriously hurting your current child with your actions and there is no need to bring another child into this world when your actions may destroy your home life. Link to post Share on other sites
dazzle22 Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 You are feeling this way because you had minimal sexual experience before marriage, and were self conscious, and now someone is giving you the attention you did not have before your husband. So now you are curious, and truly this curiousity really could kill everything you hold dear. Look at it this way. I tell people when they are agonizing about choices, fully imagine the scenario you are contemplating..I mean the look on your wonderful, trusting, loyal husband's face when he finds out,... what it would feel like to move out...split time with your child...have your husband be cold and angry to you...see how you devastated him...FULLY imagine this - take several hours to imagine it, and then see if it still looks attractive.. You also need to read posts from lonely people who have never had the love of someone like your husband, and spouses who have been cheated on, on this web site and IVillage. Read A LOT of them. Let what they say really sink in. I think the choice will be easier... Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 How would you feel if your husband was thinking about sleeping with another woman? You absolutely love your husband, sex is wonderful and he treats you great and you are thinking about cheating on him? Are you out of your mind? Maybe you should imagine destroying your marriage and becoming a single mom which is what will happen in the end. You need to instill boundaries and stop this behavior. You are on the road to self-destruction. Most people would be so envious to have what you have yet you do not comprehend what you actually have. There is nobody so blind as one who refuses to see. Link to post Share on other sites
FilthMerchant Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 This is a textbook example of why 21 is far too young to get married... Now aside from that. Let your husband know your situation. Let him know you have tried minimising contact between you and this other guy but that this has proved almost impossible. There is no excuse for sleeping with him... you made a commitment and now you need to practice a bit of self-discipline. Link to post Share on other sites
lostsunsets Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 (edited) First off, lets clear the air on one issue. YOU DO NOT "ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOUR HUSBAND". How could you? You are contemplating spreading your legs for another man. This will destroy your marriage and your husband. Tell you what. Why don't you go to your husband and tell him that you want this other man up inside you, and let him decide with you. This way you can make this decision as man and wife. I wager that he will most likely veto the act. Actually first off I would go to IC, and ask the counselor, "What is in me that would make me want to crush my husband and ruin my marriage?" Then I would suggest you use your imagination and contemplate what single motherhood is like and how splitting custody with your ex husband would feel. If you can do all that and it doesn't rack you with tears and sobbing, divorce your husband and then go bounce away on the other guy. The sad thing is, it sounds like you have pretty much made up your mind to do this other guy. You're in for one hell of a ride, and I don't mean the one with the 10 second orgasm at the end. I mean the guilt trip afterwords. Edited December 23, 2009 by lostsunsets Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 Want to get this guy out of your system? Pretty simple. Tell your husband EVERYTHING. How you're feeling, what you want to do, how you are thinking about having an A and risk losing everything. Somehow I don't think he will be too pleased by this and his attitude will change, as it should IMO. You are headed for disaster if you do not end this now. After reading your posts it seems you know the right thing to do, but justify your continued journey down this slippery path. IF you really do love your husband as you state, you WILL tell him everything, and ask for his help. If you don't, you WILL end up sleeping with this guy and then regret every moment of it. By then it will be too late, the damage will be done. Once it's done, you can't undo it. After that, to your husband you will be damaged goods, and he will never look at you the same, or feel then deep love he now has for you. Your marriage will NEVER be the same, if it survives at all. Link to post Share on other sites
MichiganMan222 Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 Trading 100% access to your child for 15-20 minutes of sex with someone. Hmmmm, what's a mother to do? Trading a loving, providing, attractive, decent, trusting husband for 15-20 minutes of sex with someone. Hmmmm, what's a wife to do? And remember, the sex might not even be that good. LMAO!!! Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 Trading 100% access to your child for 15-20 minutes of sex with someone. Hmmmm, what's a mother to do? Trading a loving, providing, attractive, decent, trusting husband for 15-20 minutes of sex with someone. Hmmmm, what's a wife to do? And remember, the sex might not even be that good. LMAO!!! VERY well said. Puts it in perspective, doesn't it, OP? Hope you do the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovinglyconfused Posted December 23, 2009 Author Share Posted December 23, 2009 You guys are right. I'm just being stupid and not realizing that the grass is not always greener. I called my H and told him that we need to sit down and talk tonight. We shall see what he feels about it. Thanks for being harsh too. Sometimes that is what is needed. And to the poster about going to those other sites and reading those stories, I did. I did it before posting on here. I'm just not considering anything else. Thanks all! Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 I commend me for your action in sitting down and discussing this with your husband tonight. You sound like a very wise woman. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted December 23, 2009 Share Posted December 23, 2009 Congrats on stopping this before it destroyed everything. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
FilthMerchant Posted December 24, 2009 Share Posted December 24, 2009 The grass is never greener Link to post Share on other sites
tipsofrelationship Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 No don't continue because at the end of the day your family comes first be a good wife and build a happy home also i don't think you are in love with the another man let him go and find his own wife because you are taken. You need to think this one through very carefully. Do you love your husband? If so, you should honor your vowels. If you don't then maybe you and him need to sit down and have a serious discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 I am 26 and I have been married for 5 years. I absolutely love my husband, the sex is still wonderful, he treats me great, and we both have the same goals in mind for our family. We have a 3 year old son and are trying for another. There have never been any real bumps in our relationship because we both normally see everything eye to eye and are really good at dealing with our conflicts. Neither my husband or I have ever slept with any one else. Not a religious thing, I've always been a little embarassed about my body and things. I'm a little too akward with things, even though I get compliments I just don't listen to them. My husband is very good looking and very well built thanks to his construction background, but he was always more focused on school and working. Thank god for him, because I have a little of a shopping addiction I am trying to curb and he makes enough to handle it when I get off the boat, but will always laugh and tell me he thinks its a little adorable. I know that he is my match and I will never find another person who gets me and understands all my compulsions, analisms, and quirks like he does. Here's the issue: I met someone who is my vision of the guy that I always wanted to marry. He is a friend of my boss's boyfriends. Her bf and this guy are with the police department, so the nights that her bf works we usually will go out with their friends...other officers. My husband works nights on the weekends so I hang out with her alot, we get along great. I met this guy and everytime we go out with them, it is very apparent that there could very easily be something between us. I don't want to do anything, I can't do that to my husband, but I cannot for the life of me stop thinking about him. I even tried not going out with them, but that has become almost impossible. I end up calling them or they call me by the end of the night...I just can't escape him. Here's the other problem: my husband has complete trust in me about these things. He doesn't get jealous and lets me have my fun time when I need to. I like going out, I like being sociable, and my son does not get a lack of attention or affection from me. He is my world. I don't have too many boundaries with my husband. I can flirt, I have dinner with guy friends that I have known for many years, etc. I tell my husband everything that happens on the nights I go out and he thinks that I am funny when I have my little man crushes. However, this is not a crush...this could be way more than that if I let it. This other guy has never pressured, pushed, or anything like that. He just says the door is open if I ever change my mind. Do I want to change my mind? I don't think so. I think the biggest thing is that I am curious because I have never been with another man and this guy is my dream persona for one. What do I do? How am I supposed to deal with this? Should I sleep with him just to get it out of my system and not say anything or just keep tortoring myself mentally? r u already going out with him ? if u are , then u will eventually end up doing this with ur dream guy without even him pressuring u . Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 Refer your husband to this site so that he can get a clear picture. I am so glad that you can see the consequences before time. This will help clear the addiction! Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 Refer your husband to this site so that he can get a clear picture. I am so glad that you can see the consequences before time. This will help clear your addiction of OM! Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 So you tell your BH every thing. Have you told your BH that you want to bang the OM. As to the OM not pressuring you. You get more flies with honey then vinegar. OM let his intentions be known. Yes this OM has strong morals and sterling character. OM is playing you perfectly. I called your H a BH because you are having an EA emotional affair. You are already addicted to this OM because you can not avoid seeing him. You friends are not good friends but toxic friends that keep making sure you an the OM keep meeting up. You need to quit this job today. Then go NC with the OM and these toxic friends. Link to post Share on other sites
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