probems with girlfriend's insecurity

[cyberbob]

hello there. not even sure where to begin here. have been in a serious relationship with this girl for quite a while now and for the most part things are good but its clear she doesnt totally trust me and there's no basis for this at all. she has some hangups due to past relationships and trust. i can understand where she's coming from to a degree but is she ever going to come to the place where she realizes that not every guy is a jerk. i feel i have to constantly weigh my words with her out of fear that she's going to take things the wrong way.

 

unbeknownst to her this problem is starting to take a toll on my feelings for her because i feel like i'm always under the microscope and having to prove myself. i have never done or said anything to make her lose trust in me, i treat her very well as she should be treated but it seems like the more i show her that i'm a good guy, the more she clings to me and needs me to always be telling her that this issue of mistrust and insecurity is getting old.

 

sometimes things between us are really good and we're really happy but other times i feel she expects me to be some kind of jerk who will hurt her and after all this time you would think she'd know better then this.

 

i have female friends who are happy go lucky and secure with themselves and fun to be around, not always moody and in a stew about something and i wish she could be more like this. a girl without all the hangups and preconceived fears. its really getting old and sometimes it is starting to feel like this relationship is more work then enjoyment. any advice would be welcome.

[Tony T]

Sorry, you can't change people. I think you're with the wrong girl. Didn't anybody ever tell you one of the purposes of dating is to find somebody you feel good and comfortable around and with whom you can share trust?

 

This is not a girl you want a permanent relationship with. Talk to her and let her know exactly how you feel. Could be she wants you to break up with her. But you would be crazy to spend a great deal more time with someone you have to labor with to be happy. It just doesn't work that way.

 

Good luck!

[midori]

It seems to me that what you might be dealing with are unspoken or only partially spoken fears/assumptions/issues.

 

What is clear is that she doesn't have enough faith in you. You have connected that to her experience with previous bf's, and that may well be true.

 

If that's the only reason, then I agree with Tony, there's nothing more you can do except break up with her. Have a frank conversation with her, and end things. You'll be doing her a favor in the long run b/c until she can stop allowing her past to overshadow her present, she's not going to be very happy in any relationship.

 

Speaking as a woman who has seen this happen with men who are apparently unaware of it, I will raise another possibility. You mention your female friends. It's wonderful that you have them, provided that there are clear boundaries. If your female friends are quite dear to you and you spread your emotional self out over your friendships with them, she could feel threatened. If you're opening up to your female friends about things that you don't even try to share with your gf, your friendships are being maintained at the expense of your relationship with your gf because basically you're withholding parts of yourself from her. Might be completely innocent, but it's not benign. Women tend to know whether or not you're fully engaging with them ... Just some food for thought.

 

At any rate, you should get this out in the open. Tell her about the toll her doubts are taking on you. Give her an opportunity to speak too. If the possibility I raised is part of what's going on, she might not be fully aware of it or comfortable admitting it -- esp. if she knows that your friendships are platonic and, on the surface, unobjectionable.

 

Good luck

[Tony T]

midori makes some excellent points. Perhaps a great topic for a whole new thread sometime. Keeping same-sex friends once into a committed relationship can be a real balancing act and take up a lot of energy we really can't afford to spare. It's sad to have to foresake friends we cherish because of romance...but sometimes it's necessary. We have to decide which we want more because often we can't have both.