Promiscuous Boyfriend!

[loadofhoopla]

I have been with my boyfriend for seven months now and we lived together over the summer for three months. I am a second year law student so I had to go back to school and he is 2 hours away. He is 25, I am 22. Our relationship grew extremely fast-he said I'm falling in love with you to me after only a week and a half. Since our very first date we have been nothing but open and honest and our love just keeps growing. However...

He has been with seventeen women, has had three threesomes (all with male friends, and a different female friend), has cheated on the only real relationship that he has ever been in, and is still friends with almost all of the women that he has hooked up with. He is the third man that I have ever been with. I have a Catholic, all-girls school background, and he went to a public school where he was one of the "cool kids" and to him that many experiences with that many women is normal.

As I said before, he has been nothing but honest with me. But I cannot stop the jealousy. Between the time that we first met and our first date he slept with one of his teacher aides. It kills me thinking about it, and I would rather not but sometimes I just can't help it. It makes me not feel special-I have communicated this with him, but he is right when he says that we weren't anything then-we didn't know each other, didn't have feelings for each other, etc. We texted back and forth while he was on that trip which to me meant something, but I guess to him it didn't. He's slept with another law student before I knew either of them. I used to be friends with her but she still had a thing for him and after he and I started dating it was weird for me to be around her. I see her everyday in school. He dated an undergrad girl that goes to school where I go to law school and I see her occassionally and all I think about is them having sex or being together. He invited a girl that he is friends with and has slept with a few times (she was one of the threesomes) over to the house we lived in this summer. She also always writes on his facebook wall, and knows that I know about her and his history. Apparantly neither of them think its anything. He is going to a concert coming up with a bunch of friends, and one of the girls in the group he made dinner for last Valentine's Day and they made out a few times. The last time I saw her he and I were at a party and she kept trying to hang around him and talk to him-obviously still has a thing for him.

We talk about it when it bothers me and he tells me that I am the most beautiful women he has every hooked up with or dated, that what we have is better than anything he has had with anyone else, that he would do anything to not lose me, etc. I know he loves me. He is a pretty guarded person, and I think it has been as hard for him to let himself fall in love as it has been for me-both of us have been pretty burned by someone we love in the past.

I am a runway model, I hosted a TV show, I have been on my own and have supported myself since I was 17. I have friends and family who love me. I am 22 years old and already in my second year at law school. I shouldn't have anything to worry about and yet I am so extremely insecure over this kid. I love him so much, I really do, but the feelings I get thinking about him and other women that he has been with are driving me crazy. I love people, I am not the type to get jealous. I would do anything for someone in need of help. I like and get along with almost everyone, and the way I see it his ex's and the women that he has hooked up with are probably pretty cool people, hence the reason that the man I love had anything to do with them in the first place. I wish I could stop picturing them having sex with him.

Any suggestions on how to do this? I really want our relationship to grow, he means so much to me. Aside from his past sexual history he is everything that I have ever wanted.

[ADF]

I have been with my boyfriend for seven months now and we lived together over the summer for three months. I am a second year law student so I had to go back to school and he is 2 hours away. He is 25, I am 22. Our relationship grew extremely fast-he said I'm falling in love with you to me after only a week and a half. Since our very first date we have been nothing but open and honest and our love just keeps growing. However...

He has been with seventeen women, has had three threesomes (all with male friends, and a different female friend), has cheated on the only real relationship that he has ever been in, and is still friends with almost all of the women that he has hooked up with. He is the third man that I have ever been with. I have a Catholic, all-girls school background, and he went to a public school where he was one of the "cool kids" and to him that many experiences with that many women is normal.

As I said before, he has been nothing but honest with me. But I cannot stop the jealousy. Between the time that we first met and our first date he slept with one of his teacher aides. It kills me thinking about it, and I would rather not but sometimes I just can't help it. It makes me not feel special-I have communicated this with him, but he is right when he says that we weren't anything then-we didn't know each other, didn't have feelings for each other, etc. We texted back and forth while he was on that trip which to me meant something, but I guess to him it didn't. He's slept with another law student before I knew either of them. I used to be friends with her but she still had a thing for him and after he and I started dating it was weird for me to be around her. I see her everyday in school. He dated an undergrad girl that goes to school where I go to law school and I see her occassionally and all I think about is them having sex or being together. He invited a girl that he is friends with and has slept with a few times (she was one of the threesomes) over to the house we lived in this summer. She also always writes on his facebook wall, and knows that I know about her and his history. Apparantly neither of them think its anything. He is going to a concert coming up with a bunch of friends, and one of the girls in the group he made dinner for last Valentine's Day and they made out a few times. The last time I saw her he and I were at a party and she kept trying to hang around him and talk to him-obviously still has a thing for him.

We talk about it when it bothers me and he tells me that I am the most beautiful women he has every hooked up with or dated, that what we have is better than anything he has had with anyone else, that he would do anything to not lose me, etc. I know he loves me. He is a pretty guarded person, and I think it has been as hard for him to let himself fall in love as it has been for me-both of us have been pretty burned by someone we love in the past.

I am a runway model, I hosted a TV show, I have been on my own and have supported myself since I was 17. I have friends and family who love me. I am 22 years old and already in my second year at law school. I shouldn't have anything to worry about and yet I am so extremely insecure over this kid. I love him so much, I really do, but the feelings I get thinking about him and other women that he has been with are driving me crazy. I love people, I am not the type to get jealous. I would do anything for someone in need of help. I like and get along with almost everyone, and the way I see it his ex's and the women that he has hooked up with are probably pretty cool people, hence the reason that the man I love had anything to do with them in the first place. I wish I could stop picturing them having sex with him.

Any suggestions on how to do this? I really want our relationship to grow, he means so much to me. Aside from his past sexual history he is everything that I have ever wanted.

 

The best guide to how someone will behave in the future is how they've behaved in the past.

[loadofhoopla]

I am not afraid he is going to cheat on me. If he does he knows I am out and it is over, no matter what. I don't know why I am so jealous though! That is all, I guess it's probably a self-esteem issue of mine, I just really want to work through it and stop feeling like this.

[thatguy85]

Yeah I mean all that stuff he's done in the past (with exception to cheating during his relationship) is moot in my opinion. This guy has had "his fun" while he was young and wild, and at some point will likely cool down. If what he says for you is true, you might be the one worth settling down with for him.

 

The important thing here to me is that he has been completely open and honest with you. He keeps no secrets. He did this knowing it could make you jealous, but that was the price to be paid for complete disclosure.

 

Now the one major thing in your story which is a little alarming is the context of his cheating during his serious relationship. That in my opinion is a red flag. How serious was it? How many times did he cheat? What was the relationship like? How old was he? These are all things worth considering.

 

He seems like a good guy, but just keep an eye on his priorities and tendencies... Make him know how serious cheating is to you and let him know you won't tolerate even the slightest affair.

 

I think you are jealous due to some insecurity... I mean he has 17 other girls to compare you to in bed. I'm sure you do a good job, don't stress over it...

[loadofhoopla]

Thanks, yeah you definitely have it pretty pegged-I know the things that he has done are in the past and I can't get down on him about it. I am not an angel either:) The cheating in his serious relationship was a big red flag for me-they dated for three and a half years and he cheated twice, and one other time when they broke up for a night-which to me is cheating too. We talked through those and he was 21 or younger when all of that happened and he hasn't cheated on a girlfriend since. I am not disillusioned, and I realize it could happen again. At the same time I am not afraid. If it happens he will lose me, and if it is as he says, and I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, then it will be his loss. I have worked far too hard and have been through far too much to be treated with that much disrespect. I am a woman not a doormat lol.

The things that still bother me are when I see the women in his past. Like I mentioned the one goes to college at the same school my law school is in. I just saw her today and I was actually on the phone with him and I mentioned it to him, we laughed about it, he tried to make me feel better about it and that was it. It kind of bothered me for the next twenty minutes, I thought about him and her together and what kind of relationship they had, etc. I just wish I could see her and the other women and not even think about it for a second. Any advice on how to accomplish that?

[Ash20]

Hi loadofhoopla, I read your post and it sounded a little familiar. I wanted to share a little piece of advice that my friend shared with me. I hope this helps, at least a little.

 

To give a little background, my bf was kind of the same way. He always made jokes about how much he liked to "study women". I learned that before he and I met, he had slept with around 20 girls, only 2 or 3 of which he actually cared about. So, he has had a LOT of experience in the bedroom. Although, he has never had a threesome and to my knowlege, I don't think he has ever cheated. However, he and I broke up for a few months last summer and he messed around with some girl. But he used the reason that we weren't technically together. Now, I know that doesn't completely make it right, based on the circumstances, but he and I got back together a couple months ago, and he says he's crazy about me, he loves me more than he's loved anyone he's ever been with, and he and I have had a couple talks about his past and he said he got tired of what he was doing and decided to settle down and look for someone who he could share a good relationship with.

 

Anyway, like you, I was still bothered, especially over the fact that he had messed around with this other girl a little bit over the summer. My friend told me that there are two types of girls: 1.) the target and 2.) the treasure...basically she said that targets are the girls who the guy sleeps with once or twice but doesn't really care about them. The treasure is the girl who he would like to keep and who he has an emotional attachment to. After this conversation, I asked my bf if he would have started a relationship with that girl who he messed around with and he said no, there was no emotional attachment to her. She was a target. He even stopped talking to her for good as soon as I visited him and we decided to work things out. It sounds to me like you are the treasure to your bf and he has made a decision to settle down and be with you. These other girls were his targets while he was having fun. I'm not going to lie, I still have trouble seeing that girl, but luckily she doesn't go to my school. So, if it still bothers you to see these girls, just think that you are his treasure. And these girls were just easy lays. He doesn't care about them the way he cares about you. I am a lot like you, because I like to help people out as well, but I do get jealous of some of the girls my bf has been with. I care about him a lot. Especially when they try to get his attention, but I just remember that they are sluts who just like attention. A guy is going to like a little attention from other women, but in the end, he comes home to you...so to speak. You just keep being the amazing person that you are!

 

I hope that helps or makes sense, at least a little! Good luck with everything, and remember, you are a treasure!

[loadofhoopla]

. Thanks that does help. But my boyfriend was friends with almost everyone he slept with and some of them he did want to date. He told me once that he girl I always see on campus he could have fallen in love with, but she kind of backed off from him. When we see her around together she definitely acts as if she has feelings for him though which makes me feel weird. I've asked my boyfriend if he would date her if given the chance and he says no, but I still hate the fact that if she was willing before to stay together he would have in a second. Ugh haha, I don't know. I just really hate seeing her, and I really wish other women wouldn't get in the way of what he and I have.

[TheLoneSock]

I have been with around the same number of girls your current bf has, but I do not maintain any kind of friendship with any of them, maybe a couple. So that does seem strange to me. Are you sure he stays in touch with ALL of them? Or could you be exagerating a little bit?

[loadofhoopla]

I guess not friends with them necessarily, but on friendly terms. And like I said, the one girl that he had a threesome with and slept with a couple other times always writes on his facebook wall and sometimes sings with his band. I hate using the word slut, but she kind of is, she has slept and messed around with a lot of my boyfriend's friends as well. Still makes me get this funny feeling when I am around her, kind of sucks thinking about my boyfriend's penis inside of someone else lol. There's just always people around that he has made out with or slept with. His sister's best friend and him hooked up and he told me it was a long time in coming (she's beautiful). It's just annoying...not exactly his fault but these girls are like everywhere.

[TheLoneSock]

Well I can tell you that if my gf were acting the same way your bf is I would feel pretty jealous. Grant it, I have a jealous streak anyway, but that would be even worse.

 

Seeing as how these people are in his band, relatives of friends, and in his friends' circle, the issue isn't likely to go away. So I think this is something you're going to have to either get over or get away from. As in figure out a way to accept the fact that he has been around- and you have to be around the people he's been around with. Or find a new guy all together. I don't think you'll choose the latter, so I'd say just keep in mind he is with you. And as long as he is being faithful to you and you can trust him, that's all that is required.

 

I can see how it would make you feel really uneasy, but just keep things in perspective. He is innocent until proven guilty, keep with him the benefit of the doubt and continue to trust him unless he gives you a reason otherwise. Because as long as he's being faithful and treating you well, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

 

The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.

[loadofhoopla]

Yeah I think he definitely likes the attention. Sometimes I think maybe he is really insecure. Who knows. He isn't always a prince, but we are all human beings and I love him like crazy. I HATE thinking about other girls and seeing them around him but you're right-I either need to get over it or get over him. Suckkssss but honestly I just want to be the best person possible and the most positive person I can be. Life will work out the way it is meant to no matter what.

[Javelin]

After a dicussion about a person's sex number, one of my work-friends said she's been with about 40 male partners in the span of 3 years and her current boyfriend has had just 3 partners including her.

 

Your boyfriend is mildly tame compared to her.

[JohnP82]

After a dicussion about a person's sex number, one of my work-friends said she's been with about 40 male partners in the span of 3 years and her current boyfriend has had just 3 partners including her.

 

 

Wow! How old is she?

[Boundary Problem]

 

he is 2 hours away.

 

He is 25, I am 22.

 

he said I'm falling in love with you to me after only a week and a half.

 

Has had three threesomes (all with male friends, and a different female friend),

 

has cheated on the only real relationship that he has ever been in, and is still friends with almost all of the women that he has hooked up with

 

yet I am so extremely insecure over this kid.

 

 

I pulled out the salient points.

 

1. Why do you call this love of your life, a "kid"?

 

2. my huge concern is about him still being friends with almost all the women he has hooked up with (either individually or the threesomes). That is weird. Are you still in contact and social on a regular basis with all of your ex-boyfriends? I'm not.

 

3. I don't buy the treasure/whore differentiation. I think it is a false sense of security. There is a connection between a man and a woman. Sometimes that connection is merely sex. Just because you are a good woman doesn't mean that you have a connection with this man that will withstand the rigours of life.

 

4. He is 2 hours away - do you think that is a coincidence?

 

5. The fact you are hot and he has you feeling "so extremely insecure" screams him being a narcissist to me - but I'm no therapist. I'm just a housewife. So take my ramblings with a grain of salt. But do you notice that on the threesomes the women were disposable and he calls the men friends?

 

6. Who falls in love after a week and a half? Don't you have to know someone before you can fall in love with them?

 

Anyways, I wish you every happiness, but if you were my daughter, I would be watching him like a HAWK!

 

If he truly truly loved you, would he allow you to feel insecure for even 15 minutes?

Edited November 12, 2009 by Boundary Problem

[carhill]

I'd suggest specializing in matrimonial law

[Javelin]

Wow! How old is she?

 

I think she's 28.

[carhill]

Well, two a month would be 48 over two years, so not significant for a female. She can easily have two a night if she wishes and not even charge them. A couple of my female friends who did this at certain points in their lives called it 'going crazy'. Fair enough.

 

OP, if his harem makes you uncomfortable and his past is too burdensome, move on. Own your perspective. The past is the past, but people who ignore history are destined to get bitten in the ass by it. If you see signs in his current behavior that the past is not the past but rather imbuing the present with unhealthy tones, set your boundaries and walk if he breaches them.

[JohnP82]

Well, two a month would be 48 over two years, so not significant for a female. She can easily have two a night if she wishes and not even charge them. A couple of my female friends who did this at certain points in their lives called it 'going crazy'. Fair enough.

 

That's fine and I try not to judge, but 40 would scare me.

[carhill]

OK, turn it around. Would you f*cking 40 different women scare you? Would it prevent you from committing to and being faithful to one woman? Good questions to ask, IMO.

 

BTW, I'm 50 and have been with 4 women, including my stbx of a decade. I'm not selling promiscuity here, to be sure.

[JohnP82]

OK, turn it around. Would you f*cking 40 different women scare you?

 

Yeah, if I had sex with 40 different women I would be concerned. I can count the number of people I've had sex with on 1 hand. I've toyed with the idea of engaging in a few one night stands and most recently turned down a girl last weekend. However after doing the fwb thing for so long I don't think being really promiscuous is for me. It was something I thought about because sex is fun and a great stress reliever. I've never been in love thus never had sex with someone I felt deeply about so that's what I want to try next. Unfortunately I'm not in a position to be in a relationship right now so you can understand my predicament.

 

Would it prevent you from committing to and being faithful to one woman?

 

Hard to say. I've never been there nor have I ever been the type of guy that had tons of women throwing themselves at me so I will probably never get that high. If I could go out and get laid anytime I wanted I would imagine it would be hard to commit.

[carhill]

If I could go out and get laid anytime I wanted I would imagine it would be hard to commit.

 

You may find this odd, but that never mattered to me. It was only when I became older that I realized I could've done that, but it didn't interest me. Still doesn't. The somewhat sad part is it's usually married women who are doing the throwing. Oh, well, maybe they see me as safe or something.

 

Interesting how past behavior and the present and the future are connected, for some people. Is the OP's BF one of them, unable to change his historical behaviors? Unknown.

 

If the OP does share some of the same background as myself (meaning the values system ingrained from years of Catholic schooling), it is possible she will find incompatibility with the 'cool' guy she's attracted to, if this is to be a significant LTR. I think that's worth looking at and resolving, as applicable. She reminds me a lot of the young ladies I went to school with. Still a bit wild and fun loving, but there's a base behavior at work that's just different from the women I met 'outside the system'. Something to be mindful of, OP, IMO. Best wishes

[loadofhoopla]

Thanks everyone. Yeah, his past is his past. It sucks but I love him so much and I want to get over it. I try to not let negative things affect my life and my everyday-jealousy is definitely a negative emotion that I want to work on for myself. A friend of mine was telling me about a soccer player who famously slept with a crazy amount of women before settling down with his wife. When she was questioned about it she said she was proud of herself for being able to satisfy such a man. Kind of a cool, different perspective.

 

I am a feminist and sometimes it really gets to me how it is ok for men to sleep with a lot of women and when women do the same thing they are looked on badly. I don't understand it, and I wish it would change.

 

As for my boyfriend...maybe I did call him a kid because in some ways he is extremely immature. Haha, kind of funny, I didn't even realize I was doing it. But I am definitely not perfect and I have spent a lot of time trying to reflect and think about things from his side of it as well. My parents have been together for 25 years, I am the second oldest of seven kids, and they are ridiculously in love. My dad brings my mom flowers or chocolates at least once a week and they are always holding hands and taking walks together. My dad has never failed to open the door first for my sisters and I. I am really lucky that I grew up in an extremely loving environment. My boyfriends parents only got married because his mom was pregnant-not only did he tell me that but she did as well! They argue all the time, and his dad is pretty masogynistic, something that I hate to see. I understand that it is not very often that people change and I cannot expect my boyfriend's attitudes about women to 180 overnight. But he has a good heart, and he wants to treat me well. As long as we are in love and I can handle it, then I am in it with my whole heart. It's just hard dating someone that other women are so attracted to!

[Boundary Problem]

My dad brings my mom flowers or chocolates at least once a week and they are always holding hands and taking walks together.

 

My boyfriends parents only got married because his mom was pregnant-not only did he tell me that but she did as well! They argue all the time, and his dad is pretty masogynistic,

 

But he has a good heart, and he wants to treat me well.

 

 

Ok, now I'm even more worried.

 

All I'm saying is that when you come from a loving environment like your childhood (I did as well), we tend to view our partners with rose-coloured glasses.

 

Your boyfriend has to be able to walk the walk. Based on his past behaviours, I do not think he is going to meet your expectations of chocolates/flowers every week for the next 60 years.

 

If you are getting an ego thrill about taming this "sexual God", then you are in for a world of hurt when your babies start coming and you can't worship him the way he needs.

 

What are you going to do if you marry him and he starts cheating on you quietly. Are you quietly going to look the other way? Many wives do. Many many wives look the other way, because they can't accept the ego hit that their man isn't faithful. Divorce would be too public of a failure, so they live with the pain, excruciating pain day in day out, in a world of denial (and financial comfort).

 

I hope for your sake that you are right. All I'm saying is consider, just for a minute, what if you are wrong. What are the implications for pain for you?

[torranceshipman]

Boundary has got it right, I think...I'm seeing some red flags. I don't like how he makes you insecure, and he REALLY reminds me of an ex that I had - right down to the misogynistic father. He needed validation from women bigtime, and only dated models, but that validation need meant he couldnt stick to one/needed attention from quite a few at a time. Your boyfriend does sound quite like this. Doesn't mean he is, necessarily, but he isn't respecting you, in my view, by letting all of this female attention kind of hang around.

 

AND do you think that he in some way shares his dad's misogyny? Is that what the not expecting him to change 180 on his attitudes was about? If so, that's a problem. And people can change - I've taught a lot of kids from violent homes and they've grown up with terrible role models and are really great people with their own strong values.

 

I could be wrong, of course-and you know him a lot better than I do, so you'll know the real truths...but just my 2 cents - he does sound like he has a bit of playa in him.

[torranceshipman]

Btw I am surprised that you refer to yourself as a feminist, and then make the comment about the wife being proud of 'satisfying such a man'. You seriously believe that is a cool and different perspective?