insecure man

[sad]

My boyfriend and I are in the process of breaking up as a result of his insecurities. He's a wonderful man who is loving, caring, giving, and compassionate. He is has a lot of friends and a great career.

 

Our relationship is perfect (we talk about everything, enjoy the same hobbies) we thoroughly enjoy eachothers company. With the exception of his insecurities. At the beginning of our relationship it was it's a little weird that you have so many guy friends (which I do and to some people it is) then he'd get upset over what I consider weird things such as who was going to be at a party he wasn't invited to (work thing no spouses) or if he heard a name he would think it was an ex boyfriend and be upset etc. etc.

 

Lately, he has taken to checking my phone log when he is away. To me this is unacceptable behavior and is a sign of controlling/freakish behavior.

 

I love this man more then life itself but I love myself more and have worked to hard to become the person that I am to have him take this way.

 

I am a very successful women with a lot of friends, a great career and my own home. I also grew up in a community where we all still live and have maintained frienships with all of the people I grew up with. This man has lived in my community for a very long time and is comfortable in the environment so the excuse that it is a little different then most communities does not work.

 

His checking the phone and overall distrust in me is changing me into a women I don't know. I was becoming nervous and private and have decided that I do not want to live this way.

 

Again, with the exception of this one flaw this man is an amazing person. Any suggestions on how I could have handled this or what I should do going forward.

 

Now I am not only sad but pissed off that he has insulted my integrity this way. I am an honest and loyal person and everyone who knows me would say this. I don't understand what is wrong with him.

[HokeyReligions]

"In the process of"

 

Maybe the process is taking you too long. End it, wish him well, and move on. You sound like you know yourself pretty well and know what you want. Lean on your friends a little because it's going to hurt and you can use their shoulders to cry on if you need, then put it behind you and don't look back.

 

If you find yourself wondering "what if" tell yourself to stop it -- you may well find a man soon that really will be perfect for you.

[sad]

What I feel I want is him. But I know that the way things are going it can't work. It's funny ,what you say is exactly what I'm saying to myself. But then I say If he could get over his insecurities we would be perfect for eachother. I know, I know stop the what-ifs!

[yes]

the question is - does he WANT to get over his insecurities? does he agree that checking your calls log is out of line? if he wants to work on it, he can try counselling, books, etc. But if he thinks his insecurities are a part of him & just something to live with - I agree that it cannot work out.

 

that's my view,

-yes

[moimeme]

There is 'insecure' and there is 'controlling'. He has no right to check up on you. Trust is crucial to a good relationship. If he is unable to develop trust for you, then it is not just a flaw, it is a major issue.

[Kat]

I think a different way to you guys I can see, but what harm is there is checking phone logs if you have nothing to hide?

 

I wouldn't mind if my b/f check my logs, or sms's (unless it is around his birthday). I have nothing to hide so why would I get upset with this behaviour?

 

I don't usually check my b/f's phone, but sometimes I get bored and go through it (he has a different phone to me) and sometimes read the sms's or call list. I ask him who such and such is and what this sms was about, and he will reply "oh well this..." or "This guy from work" or something silly.

 

It isn't me controlling anything, it is a couple sharing stuff. Now if he got really upset, I would be VERY suspisous.

 

But i spose it is different, because we both don't have an issue with it.

 

Even my diary(when I write in it) wouldn't be off limits to my b/f if he asked to read it.

 

Yes you have your personal space, so keep it. If you get so pissed off at him looking in your phone, how about keeping it out of his reach? Seriously if you were so against him looking you wouldn't leave it around for him to look in

[moimeme]

Kat, it's all about the reasons a person does things. You two do it with each other's permission and consent and view it as 'sharing'. This guy is checking up on her because he doesn't trust her. Totally different thing.

[Kat]

Understandable, but from reading her post, it feels as if there is a total other level to this.

 

She sounds like someone who has something to hide and uses the "My privacy" to cover it

[moimeme]

I don't get that at all. I think you're reading into things.

[badz2801]

Here are a few things from a guys perspective.

 

1. Do you do anything that he could percieve to be "cheating related" or untrust worthy? You are going to have to let your defense down to answer this question b/c he might view it differently.

 

2. What is in this guys past? Has he ever been cheated on before? I can tell you that people do not forget when this happens. Its not being insecure, its watching your own back. Now if he does not find anything after a while and still continues to do it, then there could be a problem.

 

3. I do not mind my g/f going through my things. I have nothing to hide and if figure she is an extension of me (esp if I am sleeping with her). I guess its different for different people but I figure anything of mine is hers.

 

4. To fix this: Let him go through your things. Show him (not tell him) that there is nothing to be worried about. Trust is earned not given (not to say that you have not earned it). Basically you are going to have to help him to get over this insecurity. If he cant let go of it with your help after some time, then walk on.

 

Sincerely

Badz2801