poizon74 Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 I already posted about my situation in the "Long Distance Relationship" thread, so I won't rehash all the details, but basically my g/f (ex finance) cheated on me while we were in an LDR. She never did while we lived together (about 8 years) and now we have moved back together. I know she's sorry about it and she's been nothing but wonderful to me since we've been back together. I honestly don't think she will cheat on me again, like I said I won't get into circumstances (and I know none can justify infidelity) but they are such that if any situation lent itself to forgiveness it's this. - I guess a quick explanation - I told her I would move with her, went back on my word and instead said we'd have to make it an LDR for 4-5 years, she told me time and time again that she couldn't do it, she called me up crying for months that she missed me so badly and couldn't stand living apart, finally she cheated on me but flew out to tell me in person after it happened and says she still really only wants to be with me. But there is a strange thing I'm noticing to cheating... even if realistically I highly doubt she'll ever cheat on my again I can't shake this uneasy feeling, I still don't have complete trust in her like I did... I messed up bad but then moved back with her and it restored her confidence in me. I know she messed up bad and she knows it too, but aside from constant apologies what can she do to help restore my confidence in her? any thoughts? anyone mess up and cheat but find a way to make it up? If so how? Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 There is nothing anyone could possibly do to have me forgive them for cheating. I doubt I will ever understand how people can stay with a person that has so thoroughly proven themself to be unworthy of the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author poizon74 Posted October 6, 2009 Author Share Posted October 6, 2009 It's certainly hard... but I think it all depends. I am a firm believer that cheating is symptom of a problem in the relationship, not the problem itself. Now, the problem might be that the other person is just a total slut! But in my case I know that's not true. She never cheated on anyone else she's ever been with and never in all the years we lived together. The problem with us was the distance, and now it's gone. But now I still have some kind of resentment or trust issue or... I donno honestly what the **** it is... but I'm just wondering if anyone has a success story about how they at least "helped" the person they cheated on get over it Link to post Share on other sites
looking4 green grass Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 I've been cheated on many times, and unfortunately I've never been able to move past it. I have no idea what to tell you. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 I sense from your post, that you really want to make it work between you, but the trust issue is standing in your way. The things that she can do, is to be completely transparent. Everything she does, everyone she speaks to, including texting, e-mail, phone, etc. everyplace she goes, has to be approved by or known to you. But this cannot go on indefinitely. At some point, she will either prove her trustworthiness enough so that you will be able to let it go, or you will realize that you will never be able to trust her, no matter what she does. This is going to take time and lots of work on both of your parts. The other alternative is to break up now, so you can find somebody you can trust, and she can find somebody to be faithful with. You need to communicate your concerns to her and make your decision together. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 The problem with us was the distance, and now it's gone. Not really. You were also long distance, and I assume you also found it really hard to be away from her, but YOU did not choose to cheat. SHE did. So there is a fundamental difference between those who choose to cheat when there is a relationship issue, and those who do not. Your gf showed you that she is the kind of person who could and would betray you when the going gets tough. That is an issue within her - there is something in her character that allowed her to choose to do something completely unnecessary yet hurtful to you knowing that it would hurt you. I don't know you can get past that except in time, with her showing you over time that she is trustworthy. The one thing you have going for you is that she didn't lie to you about it and didn't try to fool you by hiding it. That IS important if you are trying to reconcile. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 Only two ways that I can think of.... 1. You need to CHOOSE to forgive her and move on. This is very difficult. 2. And she needs to prove that she is trustworthy. This will take time. Forgiveness is an act that happens despite what someone else has done. It means that you forgive her of her cheating and from there plan to build a future together again. BUT...in order for this to be possible, she will need to do everything to show that she is worthy of your forgiveness. Is it possible? Yes. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? That is for you to decide. Link to post Share on other sites
Over_and_Beyond Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 I've been down this road before, but of course no relationship is the same. In my case, even though I tried to trust my ex-girlfriend after she cheated for the first time in a LDR, she simply became better at hiding and masking her infidelities over time. In your case, the LDR is thankfully coming to an end, which is a good thing. However, your girlfriend will need to do her part in being 100% transparent with you from now on. Trust, but verify. Unfortunately, in my case I wasn't able to bring the LDR to an end and couldn't verify very well and my ex ended up cheating again a few years later for the second and final time. It's much worse the second time around, especially if you've invested a great deal of emotions in trying to make the relationship work. Trust is an extremely fragile thing, and it's the responsibility of the cheating party to ensure that they are transparent with you, especially if you were trusting them to not f-- up in the first place. Don't settle for anything less. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 but aside from constant apologies what can she do to help restore my confidence in her? nothing. there is no confidence to be had with a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
samspade Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 once someone cheats on you what can they do to allow you to forgive them? They can ***k off and get out of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 (edited) First you say... I highly doubt she'll ever cheat on my again Then, I can't shake this uneasy feeling, I still don't have complete trust in her like I did... You don't think she'll cheat, but you can't trust her? Buddy, take it from us... Once a cheater always a cheater... It's just the next time she goes to cheat, she just won't tell you about it. Anyway, I think the best answer to your question would be... There is nothing anyone could possibly do to have me forgive them for cheating. I doubt I will ever understand how people can stay with a person that has so thoroughly proven themself to be unworthy of the relationship. Couldn't have said it better myself! (Back at the Original Poster) First of all, stop classifying cheating as a mistake, because it is not! It's a decision a person made and acted upon selfishly! It is the absolute worst thing that you can do in a relationship and it has no equal in terms of damage done! That said, why would you want to stay with someone that's too weak or selfish to make the right choice when faced with any type of self-vulnerability? I would highly recommend that you leave her and find a lady that has more respect for you, herself, and your relationship! Trust me, you don't have to feel this way in a relationship. Edited October 6, 2009 by Javelin Link to post Share on other sites
Hkizzle Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 I think you guys giving "rational" advice are ignoring the fact that the OP realizes what the rational side of things are, and feeling an irrational uneasy feeling or lack of trust. I often feel that men are less capable of accepting that their partners have cheated on them than women. There's actually an evolutionary reason for this, but most people here don't like hearing rhe scientific side of things. Go for a holiday with her, and see if you can bond the same way you did at the very beginning of the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Go for a Holiday? Jeez, REWARD her for cheating!! I never thought of that. Maybe the OP can buy her affection. Link to post Share on other sites
Hkizzle Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Go for a Holiday? Jeez, REWARD her for cheating!! I never thought of that. Maybe the OP can buy her affection. He can always dump her. That's not the question or solution the OP was asking for. Read his post for God's sake, instead of giving the choice you would make. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Kizzle, I was directing my comment to you, not the OP. If he were to take your advice, and reward her, what message does that send to her? That he is weak, and can be manipulated. The OP wants to know what SHE can do to restore trust, not what he can do to assuage her feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Hkizzle Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 I know you were talking to me. But how does "Everything she does, everyone she speaks to, including texting, e-mail, phone, etc. everyplace she goes, has to be approved by or known to you." That increases trust lol? That sounds like something the CIA does to terrorist suspects. Read his OP again, he understands the theory and the rational side of things. He can't shake the irrational feelings. In which case you do the opposite of what's a rationally suspicious person. You just go and have fun and let it all go. Irrational fears are totally different from knowing how to deal with the rational. It's because people try to apply rational solutions to the irrational that they make situations worse. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 He can always dump her. That's not the question or solution the OP was asking for. Read his post for God's sake, instead of giving the choice you would make. How do you know what the OP was asking for? Boldjack gave his opinion - which he is entitled to. Every person is going to come up with a slightly different solution and yours isn't better than anyone elses. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 It's because people try to apply rational solutions to the irrational that they make situations worse. That's your philosophy, but not a hard, fast rule. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 What are you talking about Kizzle? If the OP could "let it go", he wouldn't be posting, would he? He asked for ways she can regain his trust? Read the title, again. BTW, Having trust issues about a cheater, isn't irrational Link to post Share on other sites
Hkizzle Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 How do you know what the OP was asking for? Boldjack gave his opinion - which he is entitled to. Every person is going to come up with a slightly different solution and yours isn't better than anyone elses. How do I know what the OP was asking for? I read his OP, lol. "But there is a strange thing I'm noticing to cheating... even if realistically I highly doubt she'll ever cheat on my again I can't shake this uneasy feeling, I still don't have complete trust in her like I did..." In other words, irrational fear or suspicion. "I messed up bad but then moved back with her and it restored her confidence in me. I know she messed up bad and she knows it too, but aside from constant apologies what can she do to help restore my confidence in her?" In other words, he understands the rational logical side of what's going on. What he's feeling is an irrational fear or suspicion. "any thoughts? anyone mess up and cheat but find a way to make it up? If so how?" He's not asking someone how to get rid of his GF or police her, he's asking how his GF can interact with him to get rid of these irrational feelings of distrust, because he can't even get rid of them himself when he wants to. You guys are totally not understanding what he's saying because you're trying to use logical approaches for a rational person. His fears are irrational, and to address those you use different methods. Link to post Share on other sites
Hkizzle Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 BTW, Having trust issues about a cheater, isn't irrational It normally isn't irrational. It is irrational however if a person doesn't want to fell it but still feels it. That's a big difference. It's like, if I drink 3 bottles of vodka a day but I can handle it, that is not an addiction. But if it's affecting my life and I don't want to drink 3 bottles of alcohol and still do it, then it's an addiction. You guys obviously didn't study psychology or would know the difference between a rational or irrational thought process. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Sorry. It comes down to not what the cheater can do to change you, but what you can do to change you. Many WSs have begged for forgiveness and yet the BS has simply left. And in other cases, the WS has done minimal yet the BS has forgiven the person who cheated. IMO it is simply an attitude and a mind change. Do YOU want to forgive her? Yes or no. If the answer is no, then nothing she does will change your mind. If the answer is yes, then what she does will certainly help make it easier, but it still becomes an inward decision. Squabbling about details and vacations isn't the issue. These are the things that are done after the decision is made to move forward together. If you forgive her, THEN it is necessary for her to show you that she is trustworthy and willing to rebuild the trust and commitment needed in the relationship. Good luck. Forgiveness either brings great rewards or further pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Hkizzle Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 realize what cheating really is. It is deception that causes damage, and when you find out about the deception you will lose faith in them if you are psychologically healthy to begin with. Being good does not require letting people be repeat offenders. You only need to be open once, and you only need to get burned once per person, per lifetime. Maybe they will improve, maybe they won't, either way it is their life and you are not responsible, so let them go. you have to take responsbility for your own experience and learn from the past rather than pretending it never happened. If you are telling yourself that you should trust this person again, then you really need to examine why. If it is just an undefined gnawing feeling in your gut then you should fight it, it is not love, it is addiction. Get some emotional support and ride it out. If you go back to a cheater, people who care about you will be afraid for you, and people who are indifferent will just think you are an idiot. I don't think people do enough to differentiate between a one time cheater that strayed because they were lonely and not happy and did something, which they regretted and came clean about. (which is not deception) vs A habitual cheater that does it all the time, pre plans the cheating and tries to cover it up. People that don't like cheaters lump them all into one pool and judge them the same way. But the mentality of the cheater in the two circumstances are very different. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Kizzle, If you want to take over this thread, ask the OP or Tony. You have already taken over interpreting the OP's feelings and emotional state. Who made you the OP's secretary? Your opinion is no more or less valid than anyone elses' The OP knows what he wants or needs, he is quite lucid and direct, he doesn't need you to act as "thread POlice", telling other posters, that they are wrong or right. That is the OP's right, not yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Hkizzle Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Go for a Holiday? Jeez, REWARD her for cheating!! I never thought of that. Maybe the OP can buy her affection. Yes that's right Boldjack. You're not the thread police don't think other posters are wrong either...... Obviously you know the OP better than me, lol Link to post Share on other sites
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