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Girlfriend cheated. I dumped her. Do I confess that I cheated on her too?


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Bleed Internal

I've been posting on here a lot since I found out my ex-girlfriend was cheating on me a month ago and proceeded to dump her. It's been extremely intense. At times I've felt great. At times I've felt horrible. I've gone from strict No Contact to having sex with her again and back to No Contact. I don't want to make this too long by giving too many details, but just know that everything since the break up has been crazy. Emotions have been up and down. Rebounds. Anger. Jealousy. Break up sex. Crying. Fights. Happiness. Feelings of moving on. Whatever you can imagine. There's no method to the course this relationship has taken.

 

Despite everything, I know is that I need to move on and get rid of her for good. Finding out that the girl I loved cheated on me has really messed up and keeping her in my life does nothing positive for me. Last night I had a really terrible breakdown and had a painful conversation with her. Both of us hurting so much. Both of us in so much pain. I've said "this is the last time I'm ever talking to you" so many times, but I really want last night's convo to be the last one. No more going back. It felt like the right way to end things. Everything has been said. In the past month, we've been from extremes of not talking whatsoever and me hating her guts to having great sex and holding her in bed. We've exercised every angle of a breakup and now comes the time when we both have to move on.

 

It will be difficult and I do get weak for her, but I'm determined to really maintain No Contact with her and keep moving on with my life. But of course, I get this idea about confessing my wrongs to her for total closure. I just feel like as much as I hate her and as much as she hates herself for what she did, I should come clean and say, we were really weren't right for each other. I was cheating on you too. It's sad because even though we cheated on each other, I know there was something real there. I know we did have very real love for each other, but it's over now. Parts of me feel like I should confess this, allow us to both realize what a ridiculous moment in our lives this was, and try to move on and let everything die.

 

What should I do?

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IMO it is just fair that you confess your part of cheating.

It will also help both of you to get closure and move on.

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butcher's hook

you just want to piss her off too, you want to unburden the pain you are feeling and it's an ego thing. Face it if you had not found out she cheated on you she would be the one who has all the feelings you are having now. Never stop to think about that did you? But now all of a sudden because she did it too it's ok what you did and you want to use it as a tool to get back at her?

 

Let it go, focus on working on yourself on finding out the reasons why you would feel the need to cheat on a partner to begin with and ensure you get to the root of that so that you never commit such a terrible mistake again. That should be your focal point, not on getting revenge.

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Bleed Internal
you just want to piss her off too, you want to unburden the pain you are feeling and it's an ego thing. Face it if you had not found out she cheated on you she would be the one who has all the feelings you are having now. Never stop to think about that did you? But now all of a sudden because she did it too it's ok what you did and you want to use it as a tool to get back at her?

 

Let it go, focus on working on yourself on finding out the reasons why you would feel the need to cheat on a partner to begin with and ensure you get to the root of that so that you never commit such a terrible mistake again. That should be your focal point, not on getting revenge.

It's not about getting revenge. This is about being completely honest with a girl who I loved and probably still love, very much. Throughout this entire break up she's been made out to be the monster and me the victim. I still feel like that in many ways, but if we're going to part ways I want to come clean and tell her that I was doing wrong too.

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If she cheated on you, and you also had been cheating on her why did you need to break up? Does this mean, had she not of cheated on you or at least had you not known; you would of continued to cheat on her and keep the relationship running? Why did you get the get out of jail free card for cheating, but she didn't?

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Bleed Internal
If she cheated on you, and you also had been cheating on her why did you need to break up? Does this mean, had she not of cheated on you or at least had you not known; you would of continued to cheat on her and keep the relationship running? Why did you get the get out of jail free card for cheating, but she didn't?

She got caught. That simple. And no, I would not have continued cheating. I was reaching a point where I wanted to stop doing that to her.

 

Unfortunately, I just had a revelation that makes me not want to confess that I cheated too. I realized that doing this will make it much easier for her to move on, feel less regret about what she did to me, and sleep with someone else much sooner. I can't let that happen.

 

My conscious makes me want to confess though. I'm so hurt and lost and confused.

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She got caught. That simple. And no, I would not have continued cheating. I was reaching a point where I wanted to stop doing that to her.

 

Unfortunately, I just had a revelation that makes me not want to confess that I cheated too. I realized that doing this will make it much easier for her to move on, feel less regret about what she did to me, and sleep with someone else much sooner. I can't let that happen.

 

My conscious makes me want to confess though. I'm so hurt and lost and confused.

 

Don't bother if you don't want to have any type of relationship(platonic or otherwise) whats the point? Just more drama. If she's crazy she might key your car or slash your tires too. No good can come of it.

 

Though your reasons for not confessing are kind of ridiculous, hoping she doesn't move on from you when you don't want anything to do with her is pretty vindictive.

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Bleed Internal
Don't bother if you don't want to have any type of relationship(platonic or otherwise) whats the point? Just more drama. If she's crazy she might key your car or slash your tires too. No good can come of it.

 

Though your reasons for not confessing are kind of ridiculous, hoping she doesn't move on from you when you don't want anything to do with her is pretty vindictive.

I don't want any of that. I mean, in hindsight I wish there was some chance for reconciliation, but I'll never forgive her and I don't expect her to ever forgive me. We've both done each other extremely wrong in spite of loving each other very much. Not enough, I guess.

 

I feel like we need to get out of each other's lives and move on. I know confessing is the right thing to do, I just hope I have the strength to follow through and do it regardless of what I know the consequences might be.

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butcher's hook
It's not about getting revenge. This is about being completely honest with a girl who I loved and probably still love, very much. Throughout this entire break up she's been made out to be the monster and me the victim. I still feel like that in many ways, but if we're going to part ways I want to come clean and tell her that I was doing wrong too.

 

Yeah ok if you made her out to be the monster, then you are right you need to quit being a hypocrite and set the record straight. Let her know what you did it will be best all around.

 

I am curious to know why you feel she is still mostly at fault here? Do you care to share that? (you don't have to I am just curious)

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I agree with the poster who said to move on.. never mind the confession.. it will only add unecessary drama..

 

It's done.. over.. fini - n-n-i... move on..

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Bleed Internal
Yeah ok if you made her out to be the monster, then you are right you need to quit being a hypocrite and set the record straight. Let her know what you did it will be best all around.

 

I am curious to know why you feel she is still mostly at fault here? Do you care to share that? (you don't have to I am just curious)

So many reasons. Too many reasons. I don't think women understand just how difficult it is for a man to handle being cheated on.

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Bleed Internal
I agree with the poster who said to move on.. never mind the confession.. it will only add unecessary drama..

 

It's done.. over.. fini - n-n-i... move on..

True. I know that going into it. You don't think I owe her honesty regardless of what it adds?

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True. I know that going into it. You don't think I owe her honesty regardless of what it adds?

 

 

Nope.. I think that since you broke up with her.. you just need to remain NC and move on..

 

Methink you only want revenge.. since she hurted you.. you want to hurt her back.. noooooot good.

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butcher's hook
So many reasons. Too many reasons. I don't think women understand just how difficult it is for a man to handle being cheated on.

 

Thanks for your honesty.

Hun it's just as difficult for women, PLEASE stop kidding yourself into that one. People's egos are scarred deeply when they are cheated on and there is no gender for the level of pain one feels.

 

You really need to tell her, some of that anger directed from her to you will also help you move on. Right now you are fixated on hating her fully knowing that you were just as rotten as she was, you need to redirect some of that anger and resentment towards you, since you did the exact same thing to her. You will not be able to move on unless you come clean. If you want to fix this for yourself, and become a better person you should do the right thing and tell her.

 

It's not fair that you walk away with your head high. She is rotten, there is no doubt about that but you were equally as bad.

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I don't think women understand just how difficult it is for a man to handle being cheated on.

 

Never underestimate a woman, simply because you're in denial. LOL

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Bleed Internal
Thanks for your honesty.

Hun it's just as difficult for women, PLEASE stop kidding yourself into that one. People's egos are scarred deeply when they are cheated on and there is no gender for the level of pain one feels.

 

You really need to tell her, some of that anger directed from her to you will also help you move on. Right now you are fixated on hating her fully knowing that you were just as rotten as she was, you need to redirect some of that anger and resentment towards you, since you did the exact same thing to her. You will not be able to move on unless you come clean. If you want to fix this for yourself, and become a better person you should do the right thing and tell her.

 

It's not fair that you walk away with your head high. She is rotten, there is no doubt about that but you were equally as bad.

Thank you so much for your honesty. I totally agree. This relationship, while providing some of the best moments of my life, has also provided some of the worst and it needs to be walked away from with the damage, hurt, anger and blame realized on every level.

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butcher's hook
Never underestimate a woman, simply because you're in denial. LOL

 

:laugh:

 

The man knows what he is talking about! ^

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don't tell her. She walks away now, feeling guilty and ashamed for cheating on someone she loved. If you tell her. She learns nothing. It will be "he cheated too so he got what he deserved in the end" She will be far likelier to cheat in the future. At least that's my take on it. At least this way, she can look at it like it was a life changing lesson. The other way just desensitizes her and leaves her with no lesson at all.

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butcher's hook
Thank you so much for your honesty. I totally agree. This relationship, while providing some of the best moments of my life, has also provided some of the worst and it needs to be walked away from with the damage, hurt, anger and blame realized on every level.

 

 

That is a very mature attitude to have. :cool:

 

In response to the poster who said that if you tell she won't realize what she did etc. is that really your proeblem though? That's no longer your issue, it's not your place to fix her or control what becomes of her, your goal is to make it right for yourself so that you can heel and move on from this relationship.

 

The last thing you want is to repeat hurtful patterns in your next relationship, and trust me if you don't fix things for yourself you will repeat them again in future.

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If she's now your ex g/f, leave it like that. Keep in at NC now. What good will telling do at this point, now that there is no relationship?? My guess is that telling her can go three ways: 1) she can laugh at you and not care at all, thus continuing to cheat in the future 2) if she's crazy, she can set up a revenge plan or slash your tires or 3) change the story and if she has family or many friend, she can portrait herself as the victim and tell everyone you were the cheater who got dumped....

 

Either way, nothing good will come out of it. Time to move and breath some fresh air, thinking about what she did over and over will do nothing but give you headache and migraines.....

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butcher's hook
If she's now your ex g/f, leave it like that. Keep in at NC now. What good will telling do at this point, now that there is no relationship?? My guess is that telling her can go three ways: 1) she can laugh at you and not care at all, thus continuing to cheat in the future 2) if she's crazy, she can set up a revenge plan or slash your tires or 3) change the story and if she has family or many friend, she can portrait herself as the victim and tell everyone you were the cheater who got dumped....

 

Either way, nothing good will come out of it. Time to move and breath some fresh air, thinking about what she did over and over will do nothing but give you headache and migraines.....

 

 

It's not about benefitting her in any way it's about doing this for himself. A LOT of good can come from this for him, who cares what she does of her life that's her problem not his!

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It's not about benefitting her in any way it's about doing this for himself. A LOT of good can come from this for him' date=' who cares what she does of her life that's her problem not his![/quote'] But see he would be wasting time since telling her would be starting a contact with her again when it should now be at NC.
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butcher's hook
But see he would be wasting time since telling her would be starting a contact with her again when it should now be at NC.

 

 

He's having a hard time with the breakup, there has been going back for sex and no contact and then going back some more and generally vacillating with this break up. They aren't even in NC he spoke to her last night and had a deep heart to heart and wants to move on but cannot seem to do so. I would assume he must be going through a real rollercoaster of emotions and among that must be a lot of guilt for the secret he is carrying. So really he has everything to gain from telling her and nothing to lose. He is still talking to her so it's not like he is calling her up out of the blue after two months.

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Yes but the point now is to not have any contact with her whatosever. It can be that hard to do or not do something. For example I love chocolates but I know that eating too much of it will get me sick. However since I love it soo much and have those urges I can't resist for it, I stupidly eat chocolates and get sick.

It's one who decides what to do and not do. Your mind is more powerful than other urges and/or emotions...

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