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Attracted to Another Man


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AlektraClementine

I need some help here. I feel like I have completely turned into everything I have ever shamed in other people. Here goes.

 

My boyfriend and I have been having issues lately regarding the subject of marriage. These discussions have been somewhat negative because he is a very poor communicator and nervous about the subject in general and I have huge pride issues and at the slightest hesitation in professing his intentions of wanting to marry me, I completely shut down. Things have gotten better for us and we've been communicating quite well. He's opening up and I am working to be more understanding and calm and rational.

 

I love him dearly and when I think long term, he makes sense. He fits well with me and we have the same goals for our future. There is real love between us and I want it to work.

 

On to the issue at hand. I have been thinking wrong thoughts about another man in my life. A friend who is involved in some of the same social groups as me. I am intrigued by him and I find myself flirting with him and having fantasies about him. Things got out of hand yesterday when he said something to me that crossed the lines of anything you might call harmless. I felt excited and terrified at the same time.

 

When I really think about this guy, I know there is no future. He is of a different spiritual faith than me, he lives a different lifestyle, etc. It isn't a viable long term option. It is purely one of those attractions that we get sometimes in life, where we feel a passionate interest in someone.

 

I have let this go too far and it started during the problems with my boyfriend. I genuinely felt like he was pulling back and I felt like his affection for me was only in the "now" and not for the "future". I then started selfishly seeking attention from this other guy.

 

My boyfriend and I have since started working through our communication issues and he has told me that he wants marriage and a future and is ready to start planning for it. That he loves me and can't imagine a life without me. I have apologized for applying pressure on a subject that should not be taken lightly. And things are good. Not solved. But progressing.

 

Problem is, I am still attracted to this other person and I would like to know if any of you have ever been in a situation similar. Or can offer advice as to how to stop this attraction. I'd like to continue the friendship but at this point, it is becoming disrespectful to the integrity of my relationship.

 

Any thoughts? If you must bash, please be advised that I won't read it. This is a genuine problem and I am coming here for advice on how to resolve this. I don't need to be told that it's wrong. I know already.

 

Thanks for reading.

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Untouchable_Fire

 

On to the issue at hand. I have been thinking wrong thoughts about another man in my life. A friend who is involved in some of the same social groups as me. I am intrigued by him and I find myself flirting with him and having fantasies about him. Things got out of hand yesterday when he said something to me that crossed the lines of anything you might call harmless. I felt excited and terrified at the same time.

When I really think about this guy, I know there is no future. He is of a different spiritual faith than me, he lives a different lifestyle, etc. It isn't a viable long term option. It is purely one of those attractions that we get sometimes in life, where we feel a passionate interest in someone.

I have let this go too far and it started during the problems with my boyfriend. I genuinely felt like he was pulling back and I felt like his affection for me was only in the "now" and not for the "future". I then started selfishly seeking attention from this other guy.

Problem is, I am still attracted to this other person and I would like to know if any of you have ever been in a situation similar. Or can offer advice as to how to stop this attraction. I'd like to continue the friendship but at this point, it is becoming disrespectful to the integrity of my relationship

 

If you think it, then you will begin to take action on it. That is how these things work.

 

Basically your going to have to distract yourself from this guy and make Damn sure you don't see him for a long time.

 

He said something inappropriate to you. What did he say? Is he feeling that you want to cheat with him?

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AlektraClementine

Dexter,

 

With all do respect, I read your responses and this is typical of your advice. It is your right to prefer a certain type of woman. This isn't the case for all men so unless you have other advice other than "break up with him", I'm really not interested.

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

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AlektraClementine
If you think it, then you will begin to take action on it. That is how these things work.

 

Basically your going to have to distract yourself from this guy and make Damn sure you don't see him for a long time.

 

He said something inappropriate to you. What did he say? Is he feeling that you want to cheat with him?

 

 

I won't take action. Just not in my nature. I know this. You're right. I need to separate myself from this guy and keep my distance so that my attraction doesn't impair my ability to focus on my relationship.

 

What he said that was inappropriate was that he informed me that when he was introduced to me by a mutual friend last year, it was intended to be a fix up but that our friend didn't know that I was spoken for. No segue led into this. Prior to the comment, we were speaking of our book club. He then said something to the effect of being sorry that our circumstances were what they were. I don't know if he's feeling like I want to cheat. Our subject matter is pretty tame and doesn't cross any boundaries.

 

At any rate, you're right... I need to distance myself immediately.

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AlektraClementine
Dexter,

 

With all do respect, I read your responses and this is typical of your advice. It is your right to prefer a certain type of woman. This isn't the case for all men so unless you have other advice other than "break up with him", I'm really not interested.

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

 

due^ (had to)

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if there's no chance with the other guy,then why are you intrigued by him? yes you must distance yourself from him,BUT you have to find out how to keep this from happening,cause one day something you'll regret could happen

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Trialbyfire

Alektra, look at it from the long view. Say you and your b/f get beyond these issues and progress into marriage. What happens the next time the two of you have another seemingly unsurmountable bump in your relationship?

 

Fix this external need for validation or getting beyond this little bump won't help, because there WILL be a next time.

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AlektraClementine
Alektra, look at it from the long view. Say you and your b/f get beyond these issues and progress into marriage. What happens the next time the two of you have another seemingly unsurmountable bump in your relationship?

 

Fix this external need for validation or getting beyond this little bump won't help, because there WILL be a next time.

 

You are absolutely right. The trick is figuring out how.:confused:

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AlektraClementine
if there's no chance with the other guy,then why are you intrigued by him? yes you must distance yourself from him,BUT you have to find out how to keep this from happening,cause one day something you'll regret could happen

 

 

Oh, the usual. Handsome, brooding, poetic speaker. Although there's been no verbal boundaries crossed until yesterday, there's a hint of sexual tension.

 

Prior to me feeling like my boyfriend was waffling on the idea of a future with me, there was nothing and no one who could steal my attention away from him. I'm not blaming my boyfriend because he does not control my actions or thoughts. Just simply saying that my perception of his not wanting to build something more solid created this detachment in me and I began to notice this other man.

 

But, TBF is right. It is nothing more than outright seeking validation for myself. Which is extremely selfish and indicative of a greater issue with my self esteem.

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Trialbyfire
You are absolutely right. The trick is figuring out how.:confused:
I wish I could help you with this one but I've never had the same problem, wanting another man, while in a committed relationship. For me, external validation is a nice to have but not a need, at least of the magnitude to erode on a committed relationship bond.

 

Have you ever spent any extended length of time alone but not lonely?

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AlektraClementine
I wish I could help you with this one but I've never had the same problem, wanting another man, while in a committed relationship. For me, external validation is a nice to have but not a need, at least of the magnitude to erode on a committed relationship bond.

 

Have you ever spent any extended length of time alone but not lonely?

 

Indeed. Prior to my current boyfriend, I spent about 3 years alone. Dated some but not a lot. Spent most of my time on my career and home and was very happy. In fact, I was quite adverse to the idea of a committed relationship. Didn't want it. Then I met him and we fell in love. In the interest of honesty (which is necessary if one expects good advice), I think I've had a fear of losing him since the beginning. Which is probably why I've spent so much energy "measuring" and "standardizing" this relationship. Kind of a "Nope, not working right. This isn't right" attitude. Not directly to him. More internally.

 

I am progressively getting better. Mostly because I see so much commitment in him. So much effort. He really loves me. He's the kind of man that listens to me when I need him to and takes steps and measures to fix my issues rather than belittling them or ignoring him.

 

Perhaps, it's time I start giving back a little more. Show the same level of commitment that he has shown lately.

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Trialbyfire
Indeed. Prior to my current boyfriend, I spent about 3 years alone. Dated some but not a lot. Spent most of my time on my career and home and was very happy. In fact, I was quite adverse to the idea of a committed relationship. Didn't want it. Then I met him and we fell in love. In the interest of honesty (which is necessary if one expects good advice), I think I've had a fear of losing him since the beginning. Which is probably why I've spent so much energy "measuring" and "standardizing" this relationship. Kind of a "Nope, not working right. This isn't right" attitude. Not directly to him. More internally.

 

I am progressively getting better. Mostly because I see so much commitment in him. So much effort. He really loves me. He's the kind of man that listens to me when I need him to and takes steps and measures to fix my issues rather than belittling them or ignoring him.

 

Perhaps, it's time I start giving back a little more. Show the same level of commitment that he has shown lately.

Now that's a wonderful idea. Try it and see if that makes a difference. Move your focus away from this other guy who gives you that "new guy" feeling, kind of like that "new car smell", and put your energy into the man who loves and is committed to you. :):bunny:

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lostsunsets

Nobody wants to be bashed. but at this point you don't feel bad enough to stop messing with the other guy. Bashing takes the rose colored glasses off and allows you to see the point of view of the one being cheated on. You are very cerebral and thoughtful. The problem is that this is not about your logic and mind. It is about your feelings. And what your BF would feel like knowing this. So since you don't want to be flamed, please continue on with your exercise in passive resistance to your feelings towards the OM. But in case you do change your mind and see some value in flaming.

 

How do you think your beloved bf would feel knowing that you're emotionally unfaithful. Do you think he would look at it like you. All unemotional. Or do you think he would be crushed to think that someone he loved so much looks at him like he was always being found fault with. And it isn't only the EA. Its how you think about him.

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AlektraClementine
Nobody wants to be bashed. but at this point you don't feel bad enough to stop messing with the other guy. Bashing takes the rose colored glasses off and allows you to see the point of view of the one being cheated on. You are very cerebral and thoughtful. The problem is that this is not about your logic and mind. It is about your feelings. And what your BF would feel like knowing this. So since you don't want to be flamed, please continue on with your exercise in passive resistance to your feelings towards the OM. But in case you do change your mind and see some value in flaming.

 

How do you think your beloved bf would feel knowing that you're emotionally unfaithful. Do you think he would look at it like you. All unemotional. Or do you think he would be crushed to think that someone he loved so much looks at him like he was always being found fault with. And it isn't only the EA. Its how you think about him.

 

 

First - I don't find your post at all what I would consider bashing. By bashing, I meant that I really don't want to hear anyone's self-righteous ranting. Your post is thoughtful and constructive.

 

My "beloved" would feel hurt knowing I've had these feelings and thoughts about another man. We had some issues in the early stages of our relationship that were similar but the roles were reversed and it hurt me so I know how it feels.

 

It's not so much that I always find fault with him. It is that I have been so "plugged in" to this relationship since the beginning and he's been very passive. Only stepping up his game when I say something. Which historically has been hard for me to do. So he enjoys the luxury of me navigating the relationship at a very slow pace. I knew that this would start building resentment in me so one of the things we spoke about last is that I couldn't always be the one to acknowledge problems in the relationship and take initiative in fixing them.

 

now as far as the "cheating". I've done no such thing. Unless you count fantasies cheating. What I have done is have impure thoughts about this guy and while I acknowledge that there is sexual tension, I've done nothing to diffuse it because I have found it exciting.

 

Only now have I seen that it is causing me to feel detached from my relationship. You said "I don't feel bad enough to stop messing with this other guy". You're right and you're wrong. I don't feel terribly guilty right now but I am definitely awake to the fact that it isn't healthy and I need to stop. Why is it that we have to go through such an emotional process to come to a very simple decision? It's wrong=stop. Weed out all the muck in between.

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Stop thinking about the other guy. Stop it now! You know it's bad so you need to be a big girl and take control of the situation. Don't get carried away with your feelings. Stay in control.

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AlektraClementine
Stop thinking about the other guy. Stop it now! You know it's bad so you need to be a big girl and take control of the situation. Don't get carried away with your feelings. Stay in control.

 

I agree with you 100%

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Does your BF know this man?

 

Have you shared your concerns about your attraction with your BF? Why?

 

Is it better for a woman's heart to be a deep ocean of secrets? Why?

 

Just some questions on my mind....

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lostsunsets

Just because it isn't physical, doesn't mean its not an affair. Because you have done nothing to defuse it, it is definitely an Emotional affair.

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AlektraClementine
Does your BF know this man?

 

Have you shared your concerns about your attraction with your BF? Why?

 

Is it better for a woman's heart to be a deep ocean of secrets? Why?

 

Just some questions on my mind....

 

My boyfriend does know him but not well.

 

I haven't shared my concerns yet. Though he said the other evening, that he suspected the other man has a crush on me. Why haven't I told him? Too scared to and I'm hoping it goes away.

 

Deep ocean of secrets? Hmmm. Not sure how to answer it. Do men always reveal their attractions to other women to their significant others? Not likely. That's just not something people typically do. I'm sure that if 2 people have been to IC or CC (as I know you have), they learn to disclose more to their SOs and they learn why it's important and they get more comfortable with it.

 

Believe me, I see the danger here. I think that the problem is not the other man but my insecurities with my boyfriend. Mixed together with his innability to exist below the surface. He says that his father is a poor communicator and he also has a 41 year old brother who's never settled down and is trying to get out of an engagement even right now. I have my work cut out for me with this guy. He shares so many traits with his father and brother and it is a red flag to me. It's not enough that he says he wants to marry me. I'd like to see some action. Not a ring exactly but maybe some financial planning, some pre marital counseling even. It's been a long process over the last 16 months. Almost like pulling teeth. I see value in continuing to try but it's just gotten so hard and I think I've just gotten tired.

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AlektraClementine
Just because it isn't physical, doesn't mean its not an affair. Because you have done nothing to defuse it, it is definitely an Emotional affair.

 

 

True. Which is why I came here. I'd like to diffuse it.

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AlektraClementine

To Carhill:

 

Do you think it wise to share these feelings with my boyfriend? If so, what possible hurdles am I looking at and what is the benefit to the relationship?

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I think that what you have is natural. I am married and still "look" at other men and do have naughty thoughts of what I would do with that man. Anyway, if you are sincere about being with your boyfriend/fiance' long term then I would focus on him and absolutely stay away from the other man. Avoidance is not the answer but it is a start. Also if you do love and care about your man, then I don't think you would have issues correcting those bad thoughts you have. Start thinking about your future, think about the kids you might have and how many, think about where you want to live, etc..etc.. There are so many other things to think about for you and your man. I hope this helps you somehow.

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Fear is a powerful motivator. Are you afraid if you disclose, or confirm what apparently your BF is already beginning to see, that he'll have further reason or impetus to refrain from moving forward with his commitment to you, given his psychology? If yes, examine that fear and its basis. That is where the real work within yourself lies.

 

BTW, I believe a truly passionate person should always have a few secrets, secrets which remain within and are not expressed outwardly through behaviors or actions. Total transparency is just that, transparent.

 

Your real work lies with your BF and the distance which separates your emotions and psychologies. This friend is a signpost along that path, reminding you of where your true efforts lay.

 

Perhaps an unpopular opinion, but I suggest this. Mention to BF that you have also noticed what he described regarding the friend and that your feelings about it are a bit unclear right now. Ask him what he wants and then listen. Will this get him "below the surface"? Unknown. One potential :) Sample verbiage: "Hon, I've also felt that XXX is getting a bit too friendly with me and I feel ambivalent about this. How should we deal with it? I like him as a friend and want to prioritize our relationship (or, perhaps better "my relationship with you")". Then, let him put those communication skills you say he now has to work, validating your feelings and proposing ideas which you both can implement to hopefully retain this valuable friendship as well as put your loving relationship in proper perspective.

 

OK, on to my second cup of coffee :)

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reservoirdog1

I don't see anything in your post that warrants bashing. You're not to blame for your feelings, or for becoming attracted to somebody else. That happens.

 

What you are responsible for -- and you seem to have realized this -- is what you do with that attraction. I'm glad to see that you're going through all this introspection now, before you've done something very damaging. Most people don't do that until they've already cheated. I commend you for your strength.

 

I do think, however, that you probably need to not see the friend anymore. If you want to fix your marriage, you have to be able to focus on that completely, without distractions from somebody else you're attracted to. Unfortunately, having that other guy in your life is incompatible with fixing your troubled marriage, and will only cloud things.

 

I wish you the best....

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