Caught him cheating....

[jamtree]

Ok this is something new to me this post thing.....

Ok here it is....

I am pretty postitive that my finace is cheating on me with a girlfriend of his past...well one that has never gone away I suppose.

Besides that fact that she and him pretty much talk on a daily basis, while he is at work (know this from cell phone bills), having read her text messages that he's forgotten to erase, he's always erasing his call history, and keeping his phone on him and on silent or vibrate. But to top it all of...is the fact that I have caught his van in her parking lot while he said he was at work. Now I know he's cheating....And it breaks my heart, because I love him so much. I know he loves me, but I also know he has this HUGE sex drive, that I can't fulfill, and can be a bit twisted and out of my league kind of stuff.

I'm so confused and I want to approach him on it and tell him that I know he's been caught and how much it hurts that he can't stop it with her. I think I'm more angry that he hasn't been honest with me, that he lies to hide it, when I know the truth. One thing I hate the most in life is to be lied too, that hurts the most. He knows how much she bothers me...I want to confront her too, tell her off, maybe smack her a few times, that would make me feel so much better, cause she knows he's engaged to me and she isn't backing off, and I've told her once already to back off that he's taken.

Any suggestions on how to approach him? and/or her? Any one similar out there with the same sort of situation going on? I just need to talk about this, and figure out what to do!!! I'm soooooooooooo confused!!!!!!!

[EllieBean]

She is not the one at fault here - she is (I assume) single and free to be with whoever she wants. The fact that he is cheating on you is neither her fault nor her problem.

 

Firstly, if she has a bf, tell him what's going on. Secondly, tell your bf that you know he's cheating. You now have a choice: try to work it out with him, or dump him and find someone who will be faithful. In my opinion a cheater never stops cheating; if you forgive him he'll probably just do it again, so my approach would be to dump him and look for a decent guy. If you really want to keep him, insist that the affair stops NOW, and work on whatever it is that's lacking in your relationship (obviously something otherwise he wouldn't feel the need to look elsewhere).

 

Having a high sex drive is NO EXCUSE for cheating - you said he likes some twisted stuff, so he's probably having kinky sex with this girl because you won't do it. If you definitely don't want to do it, and he definitely wants it, then he'll probably continue cheating for as long as your relationship lasts. You shouldn't feel bad about yourself - you're perfectly normal, despite not wanting to do whatever twisted stuff he likes - perhaps you'd be happier with a guy who doesn't want that sort of stuff?

[Untouchable_Fire]

O Now I know he's cheating....And it breaks my heart, because I love him so much. I know he loves me, but I also know he has this HUGE sex drive, that I can't fulfill, and can be a bit twisted and out of my league kind of stuff.

 

He needs to be your ex fiance. It's not going to work out chica.

 

If there is a large gap in your sex drives... it's going to push him towards other women. It's not an excuse, its' a fact. I know because I was that guy one time.

[flash582]

What does ... "pretty Twisted" mean?

 

That's a pretty broad category.

 

You have two choices.

 

Live with him cheating, shut up and be happy.

 

Confront him and move on with your life.

 

 

Because hoping he'll change is about like hoping for world peace. It just isn't going to happen in our lifetime.

 

If it were me .... and I'm a guy telling you this. Depending on who owns the lease, etc, I'd either be gone when he came home from work or have his stuff packed and by the door.

 

Don't yell, don't cry, don't even get pissed off. Don't give him the satisfaction of an emotional response. Just tell him you deserve better and he needs to hit the highway.

 

If he wants to work on it ... he'll have to do it from different addresses.

[mr.dream merchant]

Yessir. Dump that ho ass dude. Peep my signature to. Your BF sounds like a damn ho. In this case, you can't turn a ho into a husband. Don't include that broad he's cheating on you with into it. She isn't at fault. Your fiance's choice is HIS choice. He's at fault. Don't show any emotions like someone else said. Just let that mother ****er know that you know whats good with him and his little jump off and that he needs to get the **** out of your life. If anything he'll beg to have one more chance, beg that he'll change. **** all that. Dump his ass to the curb and get you a respectable guy. One who doesn't need his dick wet 24/7.

[samspade]

Dump the motherfu**er.

[Kaii]

Sorry, but I agree with everyone else here.

 

Why is he still talking to this other woman, I think you said daily, even though you guys are engaged??? Why have you allowed it to go on this long? You teach people how to treat you, and right now you have taught him that you are willing to take this kind of crap from him.

 

The fact that he keeps his phone close to him and it is on vibrate is not a good sign....and finding his vehicle where she is, while he is supposedly working, is also not good. Does he ever let you use his phone, or let you look at the call history?

 

I don't think it's true that cheaters never change, because I used to be one. BUT, I DO think it's true that cheaters never change until they mature and find a partner that fulfills their needs, sexually and otherwise. I'm not making excuses for him or saying what he's doing is okay, but people in happy, fulfilling relationships don't cheat on one another, know what I mean? And the fact that you said that you two are sexually incompatible is not a good thing in a cheaters eyes, because he will continually seek that elsewhere.

 

Just call me, "been there"....

[jamtree]

I have confronted him on it, he say's to me that he doesn't answer her calls, but as i've seen the calls on his cell bill where he's even called her. It's all a lie...He does let me use his phone, but lately he's been smart and has been deleting her calls and texts, but then the evidence show's up in the mail.

His excuses are to tell her that she needs to move on....that she has threatened to basically "kill herself", so she tries to keep him feeling guilty.

I am wanting to confront him on seeing his vehicle at the place she lives...i'm just feeling like am I 100% positive that it was his vehicle what if it wasn't...but my gut tells me otherwise. His vehicle is a common one, and I only drove briefly by. I wish I took a much closer look, by getting out and looking.

As for being sexually compatible....I think we are...I have the sex drive and am sort of open minded with his needs...but basically how to put this...I am not into Anal...tried it hated it. It's also hard to be with him sometimes, with this constant feeling of infedility. I think about things that he's been doing and it turns me off from wanting to be with him at certain times. I get angry that he lies to me and hides all the evidence, and that turns me off...

[2sure]

Betrayal...it hurts in so many different ways.

 

First - the cheating itself of course.

But what is worse is the lies you are told to your face when you find out. The acusations turned onto you, like you imagined the whole thing.

 

Your bf is not only cheating, but feels entitled to it. He thinks nothing of dismissing your feelings. His actions are common for someone having an affair.

 

There is a process to stopping an affair, and recovering from it, rebuilding your relationship - but you arent married to this man.

 

You KNOW what is going on. His denial doesnt change it.

If he has chosen to continue, he doesnt grasp that he cannot have his way.

 

Telling him, words, will change nothing.

What is the date of your planned wedding?

[DunnoWhat]

Betrayal...it hurts in so many different ways.

 

First - the cheating itself of course.

But what is worse is the lies you are told to your face when you find out. The acusations turned onto you, like you imagined the whole thing.

 

Your bf is not only cheating, but feels entitled to it. He thinks nothing of dismissing your feelings. His actions are common for someone having an affair.

 

There is a process to stopping an affair, and recovering from it, rebuilding your relationship - but you arent married to this man.

 

You KNOW what is going on. His denial doesnt change it.

If he has chosen to continue, he doesnt grasp that he cannot have his way.

 

Telling him, words, will change nothing.

What is the date of your planned wedding?

 

They're important points. He thinks its ok to lie and cheat and thats the major problem here. If it was a one off drunken night and he was very sorry it would be a different story. This is totally different though.

 

It's unlikely he'll change his beliefs. He might cut that woman from his life and everything will be fine but when a chance comes around next time don't think he won't take it.

[jamtree]

The date is this Sept. Everything has been booked, most of our venue has been paid for, invitations are ready to be mailed.

 

It hurts a lot because here I am planning a wedding and him too.

I have this knowledge of what may be going on...but It is so hard to confront him on it, because I may be wrong, and then what happens?

[2sure]

You arent wrong. With what you have shared here - even if it was one sided and possibly exagerated - he is cheating and betraying you. You arent wrong. Know that.

 

Unless you know that, his denials and lies are what he is counting on.

You have huge doubts and have every right to have them. You need to tell him that you want to marry him but cannot possibly marry someone who is doing this.Dont ask him any questions or give him a chance to deny anything.

 

Tell him you know it is happening and that you are not going to marry him until he STOPS IT and PROVES TO YOU THAT IT HAS STOPPED.

You have nothing to prove to him. How he can prove it is not your concern.

Dont budge.

this isnt about your wedding anymore - this is your LIFE

[jamtree]

I know I am not wrong ... I know there is something going on.

This women and him once had a relationship, and I know she loves him, it bothers me so much, that even if he hasn't cheated other then just talking to her, I feel it is still so wrong, cause of her emotional attachment...he (if not cheating) shouldn't be talking to her at all, so she can move on. I've told him that, and about crying about killing herself is just away to try make him feel guilty and come to the rescue.

I understand this is my Life and not just about my wedding, but he as become a very important part of my life.

I love all the advice, and I'm feeling good talking about this....I really am a girl that keeps to herself, especially with emotions. Thank you.

[phineas]

I really don't think she threatened to kill herself.

I think he made that part up.

 

Did he call her family & tell them?

 

I'll bet his cell phone log doesn't show that.

 

If he truely believed this woman would kill herself & he was that concerned he would get her some help.

 

Not go over to her apartment or call or text her down from suicide.

 

Maybe he is sleeping with her & maybe he isn't.

Without him admiting or you catching him in the act you'll never know. But, what you do know is he is in contact with her regularly & lied to you about it.

 

That's a problem.

 

especially if you wern't just fishing but presented him with hard facts.

[jamtree]

No he never called her family his exact words on what she said was "I'm going away on a trip, and may never return" which was said during a phone call...unfortunetly, she did go on a trip, cause the calls and hiding stopped for a week, but she returned. To my dismay! Sorry I'm angry at her...I being a woman, I wouldn't want to be the "other women", I would have more respect for myself, and find a man of my own. She knows he's engaged to me, I just feel she needs to back off. Which I know is wishful thinking.

I want to present the hard facts to him, but I am not one to deal well with confrontation well, especially if he gets angry about me "snooping" and not trusting him, he always tells me I can, and that he is completely mine and his "heart & soul" belongs to me. He always is leaving me love notes stating his love for me....but this talking to her is killing me inside.

[bean1]

If his heart and soul was truly in it, he wouldn't be talking to her (or whatever else is going on). He isn't marriage material. Perhaps you would benefit from posting in the Marriage & long term relationships section, you would benefit from those who have gone through with the wedding and could offer you advice too.

 

I think it is pretty obvious what is going on (and you know too), so you will either have to leave him or accept a marriage with THREE people in it.

[2sunny]

you need to cancel the wedding and go no contact.

 

only get married if you can accept that it will be this way for the rest of your marriage with him... it won't change.

 

his attitude is that he can have you be faithful to him, but he is allowed to do what he wants as long as you don't know about it. that attitude NEVER changes unless something big changes in his attitude.

 

believe me... it's not fun... i was married to one of those men for 20 years. the sense of entitlement will kill your happiness and shake your inner spirit. there's nothing about living that way that's happy. let her (the OW) have him... i guarantee he will try to have you on the side when he's with her. don't do it... walk away, in fact RUN!!!

[Kaii]

No he never called her family his exact words on what she said was "I'm going away on a trip, and may never return" which was said during a phone call...unfortunetly, she did go on a trip, cause the calls and hiding stopped for a week, but she returned. To my dismay! Sorry I'm angry at her...I being a woman, I wouldn't want to be the "other women", I would have more respect for myself, and find a man of my own. She knows he's engaged to me, I just feel she needs to back off. Which I know is wishful thinking.

I want to present the hard facts to him, but I am not one to deal well with confrontation well, especially if he gets angry about me "snooping" and not trusting him, he always tells me I can, and that he is completely mine and his "heart & soul" belongs to me. He always is leaving me love notes stating his love for me....but this talking to her is killing me inside.

 

"I'm going away on a trip and may never return"...that is pretty vague, don't you think? This is hardly suicidal ideation. A little drama queenish perhaps.

 

As for your comment of "I just feel she needs to back off", unfortunately, it is your bf who should be backing off, not her. The reason that this whole thing has gone this far is because HE has allowed it to.

 

He is not acting like a man who is about to get married, he is acting like a man who is stringing his gf along while he fools around with his ex.

 

Be proactive. Take control of your life. Right now you are just the passenger, not the driver. Stop allowing him to have all the control.

[MichelleS1983]

Jam, you're afraid to confront him because you know the truth will set him free and he'll run like the wind, leaving you to clean up all the wedding plans and having to face everyone to tell them the wedding is off. THAT'S why you don't want to confront him.

 

But you know what he's doing.

 

He sounds like an utter pig who has to put his d*ck before everything else in life. How admirable.

 

If you actually end up marrrying this selfish horse's ass, I can GUARANTEE you that you'll end up becoming a prisoner in a hell marriage. You'll continue to allow this loser to think with his genitals while completely disrespecting you (like he's doing right NOW) and in the meantime, you'll start having kids with him, further sealing your fate. In a few year's time, you'll be back here crying that you can't leave the jerkoff because you have 3 little kids alll under the age of 5 that you don't want to raise alone, and you can't afford to live on your own because you've been home raising them for the last 3 years and have no job - so you're STUCK. This is so cliche it's sad.

 

DON'T put yourself in that position. Get the hell out NOW while you can.