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In love with her, but she's married


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I am completely aware that this is a most unoriginal spot to be in, and I'm likely the billionth person to post this. However, this is my first post ever in this forum, on this site, and first post period regarding this subject. It's gotten to that point, I guess.

 

I work a lot. It's all I do, and the world of the office is basically all I have. I've sacrificed a lot to get to where I am, and being that I've not exactly been able to maintain steady dating relationships over the years, probably a succinct way to describe me is a successful person who happens to remain a bachelor. But again, I have to spend a lot of time at the office. It's both my workplace and the place where, by default, I interact the most with other people.

 

So then there's Mickie. At least, that's what I'll call her here. Mickie and I are the same age, and we've "grown up together" at this office and at this organization. We are peers, we are equals, we are friends. And, as it turns out over the past couple years, we are actually two peas in a pod so to speak. I now know that I have very strong feelings for her. Problem is, Mickie is of course married. She does not have any kids.

 

Over the past couple of years, we've worked on projects together. It's actually the first time we had worked together even though we had been at our office for a long while. We got to travel together and spend lots of quality time together. Nothing has happened, not even when we traveled. No intimacy of any kind. But one thing is clear--not just to me but, unfortunately, to a number of folks on the team who have noticed--we get along stupendously well and we really like one another. As a matter of fact, when we got back from one business trip on which several team members accompanied us (all of whom got to notice the chemistry between me and Mickie when all of us went out for dinner and drinks), one co-worker walked into my office and jokingly asked if I wanted him to go ahead and kill Mickie's husband. That's how noticeable it is.

 

These days, we remain very good (and I dare say close) friends. We have so much in common, both personality-wise and interests-wise. Like I said, two peas in a pod. We regularly go out to lunch together, just the two of us. Sometimes she initiates, sometimes I do. We also tend to push the flirting envelope a bit at work. When we take the flirting too far, she will always push back and keep me at arms length. When I'm away from the office, and I send her a quick email just saying what's up, she'll almost always ask me where I've been b/c she had clearly been looking for me but couldn't find me.

 

I'm sure she often catches herself when she is going with the flow too much and she stops herself, reminding herself that she is, after all, married. The reason I've turned to this forum and typed this up is because I feel like I'm the only one who knows the deal between me and Mickie. And there's noone to share it with, noone who knows. I haven't discussed this with her, nor she with me. Perhaps neither of us want to raise it because we don't want whatever this is to end.

 

It's killing me. Lately, I can't stop thinking about Mickie. I think about her everyday, especially when I'm away and can't see her at the office. Sometimes we fight like we're dating. Sometimes I react like a jealous boyfriend, and then I have to remind myself that she's married.

 

On the one hand, I know she's married. On the other hand, she still doesn't have any children with her husband. And we just get along so well together. I'm probably just delusional. And why her, with all the women our there? One answer is, of all the women I've come across or dated, I've liked her the best. I think I love her. Delusional? Probably. But definitely 100% heartsick.

 

Thanks,

~Jay

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Hey, welcome. Read my journals.

 

Something not in there is in exactly the same month I met and started dating my wife, my friend, whom I had been in love with for many years (yep, she was married) finally left her husband after twenty years of marriage. I would not know that for another seven years. Life is full of interesting parallels.

 

I think you know what to do. I did it. I said goodbye. That will be harder for you. But, since you seem like a career-driven man, you can easily get away from her. I would recommend it. Trust me, she knows how you feel. She just does, even if you've never uttered a word about it. My friend knew immediately and I'm not a flirt and didn't flirt with her. She just knew. We still know, except it's me that's now married :D

 

There is no justice in the world, only death. Enjoy life. Get away from her. :)

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This may not be the answer you like to hear but here is my thought. Please don't take this to any offense, I say this only because I'm sort of in a reverse situation (girfriend and her boss, my "cheating or flirting" post)

 

It is great that you two get along so well, if only the world was fair, life should have brought you guys together sooner. I suggest that you keep it a proffesional relationship. I say this only because I know how hurt her husband would be if he ever found out you and his wife are more than just work friends. No matter how strong of feelings or connection you have with her, try to imagine yourself in his shoes. I'm sure you would be devistated if your wife was more than "just a friend" to someone she worked with.

 

I know that feeling way too well. It is not a feeling I would wish upon any guy. As hard as it may be for you to keep it proffesional and not pursue it farther, I think it is best you do. The fact that they have no kids together should not be a factor.

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I am completely aware that this is a most unoriginal spot to be in, and I'm likely the billionth person to post this. However, this is my first post ever in this forum, on this site, and first post period regarding this subject. It's gotten to that point, I guess.

 

I work a lot. It's all I do, and the world of the office is basically all I have. I've sacrificed a lot to get to where I am, and being that I've not exactly been able to maintain steady dating relationships over the years, probably a succinct way to describe me is a successful person who happens to remain a bachelor. But again, I have to spend a lot of time at the office. It's both my workplace and the place where, by default, I interact the most with other people.

 

So then there's Mickie. At least, that's what I'll call her here. Mickie and I are the same age, and we've "grown up together" at this office and at this organization. We are peers, we are equals, we are friends. And, as it turns out over the past couple years, we are actually two peas in a pod so to speak. I now know that I have very strong feelings for her. Problem is, Mickie is of course married. She does not have any kids.

 

Over the past couple of years, we've worked on projects together. It's actually the first time we had worked together even though we had been at our office for a long while. We got to travel together and spend lots of quality time together. Nothing has happened, not even when we traveled. No intimacy of any kind. But one thing is clear--not just to me but, unfortunately, to a number of folks on the team who have noticed--we get along stupendously well and we really like one another. As a matter of fact, when we got back from one business trip on which several team members accompanied us (all of whom got to notice the chemistry between me and Mickie when all of us went out for dinner and drinks), one co-worker walked into my office and jokingly asked if I wanted him to go ahead and kill Mickie's husband. That's how noticeable it is.

 

These days, we remain very good (and I dare say close) friends. We have so much in common, both personality-wise and interests-wise. Like I said, two peas in a pod. We regularly go out to lunch together, just the two of us. Sometimes she initiates, sometimes I do. We also tend to push the flirting envelope a bit at work. When we take the flirting too far, she will always push back and keep me at arms length. When I'm away from the office, and I send her a quick email just saying what's up, she'll almost always ask me where I've been b/c she had clearly been looking for me but couldn't find me.

 

I'm sure she often catches herself when she is going with the flow too much and she stops herself, reminding herself that she is, after all, married. The reason I've turned to this forum and typed this up is because I feel like I'm the only one who knows the deal between me and Mickie. And there's noone to share it with, noone who knows. I haven't discussed this with her, nor she with me. Perhaps neither of us want to raise it because we don't want whatever this is to end.

 

It's killing me. Lately, I can't stop thinking about Mickie. I think about her everyday, especially when I'm away and can't see her at the office. Sometimes we fight like we're dating. Sometimes I react like a jealous boyfriend, and then I have to remind myself that she's married.

 

On the one hand, I know she's married. On the other hand, she still doesn't have any children with her husband. And we just get along so well together. I'm probably just delusional. And why her, with all the women our there? One answer is, of all the women I've come across or dated, I've liked her the best. I think I love her. Delusional? Probably. But definitely 100% heartsick.

 

Thanks,

~Jay

 

You should probably just leave her alone.

 

No more lunches

No more drinks

No more emails

 

I know it's going to be hard, but she's married & she's a co-worker, that's it.

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As a matter of fact, when we got back from one business trip on which several team members accompanied us (all of whom got to notice the chemistry between me and Mickie when all of us went out for dinner and drinks), one co-worker walked into my office and jokingly asked if I wanted him to go ahead and kill Mickie's husband. That's how noticeable it is.

If you really do care about her, then you have to understand that you are putting her marriage at risk. And not in the figurative sense, but it is literally only a matter of time where, at some social or business occasion, someone says something to her husband like "Wow, having seen "Mickie" and "Jay" together, I didn't think she was married!". Is that the damage you want to be responsible for :confused: ???

 

In my younger years and having been in the "work is my whole life" situation you describe (I was in the nightclub business, where the hours almost guaranteed that you couldn't have a life), I understand the loss of perspective that occurs. And until you broaden your horizons - you know, there is a whole world outside your office door :cool: - you may find yourself in this same boat with another workmate. And as I'm sure you understand, even if "Mickie" wasn't married, office romances are messy, damaging and potentially litigious affairs. Time to get out more...

 

Mr. Lucky

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WhiteKnight

Love is full of mysterious I would say. Unfortunately, there is not much you could really do.

 

From my own past experience. I was in your shoes JGtzbee, however, its a flip of two-side coin arguement whether you are left wondering would she leave the husband or not. The general question would be is ... "When?"

 

Yes, the feeling of 'you' going to be responsible for the cause of the marriage as Mr Lucky pointed out can be quite a bad feeling, I've thought about it very long and hard about it. Even though I went through with it, it was not the best feeling ever.

 

In my past experience, I loved this married woman because of how we get along, had fun, shared the love and romance, even tell us about ourselves almost anything but in the end... there were things that got me concerned whenever you feel something is wrong in the relationship and you try to fix it but can not.

 

If the woman was sincere enough to leave her husband and... you willing to be patient with her. Time is the key for that, and also the clearing up of barriers in the relationship as well. I can understand about the jealousy part but you would have to prove her wrong that you can withstand it and be the right guy for her. I would said to you just 'ride it out' for the moment, but if things don't work out... you know what is meant to be, is meant to be.

 

Take this as a learning curve, I would be be trying hard to avoid these sort of situations. Sometimes they are unavoidable but every man and woman out there I know is seeking for happiness, love and joy.

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1. You don't know 100% if she has the same feelings for you. She may flirt back, and get along with you famously, but that doesn't mean she is in love with you.

 

2. She is married. Don't be that guy.

 

3. She is married!! You are fixated on someone you cannot have when there are thousands of women out there for you. Forget her, and find someone who is single. You may THINK she is the best option for you, but if that's the case, you haven't created enough options in your life.

 

4. Oh yeah, and you work together. Boy, you sure do pick 'em.

 

Your problem is that, as you said, you work a lot. Find a life outside of work. If you try to push the envelope with Mickie, you are setting the table for a number of disasters.

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One more thing: Suppose, in theory, she left her husband for you.

 

You really want a woman with such a cavalier attitude toward her own commitments?

 

You'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop, my friend.

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i hate to say this bc it goes against everything i have been tought. but i think u should tell her how you feel. I have the feeling that she knows but wont bring it up bc she is married. i mean we all only have one life to live and if u are really the person she was meant to be with than it will happen. good luck and i feel for you

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i hate to say this bc it goes against everything i have been tought. but i think u should tell her how you feel. I have the feeling that she knows but wont bring it up bc she is married. i mean we all only have one life to live and if u are really the person she was meant to be with than it will happen. good luck and i feel for you

What happens if he does so and she freaks out and avoids him from then on? If she doesn't feel that way, won't he come across as a little stalkerish?

 

Mr. Lucky

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i hate to say this bc it goes against everything i have been tought. but i think u should tell her how you feel. I have the feeling that she knows but wont bring it up bc she is married. i mean we all only have one life to live and if u are really the person she was meant to be with than it will happen. good luck and i feel for you

 

This is great advice, if you live in the Bizzaro World.

 

Maybe she DOES know, and won't bring it up because she's married. That's not a good reason for him to confess his feelings, which would be completely inappropriate. He risks ruining their friendship, their professional relationship, and her marriage.

 

Yeah, he has one life to live...so he should stop wasting time on SOMEONE ELSE'S WIFE and choose one of the other billions out there. Forget that meant to be with crap....this ain't Slumdog Millionaire.

 

To the OP: You have to suck it up, forget this woman, and realize she isn't the only one out there for you. Somebody else got to her first. If - and you should NOT wait around for this - she separates or divorces, THEN you can think about making your move. Even then, you haven't demonstrated that you have any kind of value to her as a romantic partner, only as a friend who flirts with her and gives her non-threatening attention. If you didn't have this scarcity mentality you wouldn't be hung up on this one woman you know you can't have. Again, you need to venture outside the office for these kinds of things.

 

If that's not enough to convince you, consider it from her point of view. She goes to work and gets her emotional satisfaction from you. Then she goes home and gets her sexual satisfaction from her man. We should all be so lucky! And it's a little bit of a red flag that she engages with you in such a fashion, but I suppose under the umbrella of work there is some room for ambiguity, and, like you said, she keeps you at arm's length.

 

Find someone else.

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BlueEyedGirl

Few q's:

 

Does she talk to you about her husband or marriage? Did you ever meet her H? Does she seem happy with her life?

 

If you knew 100% that she dosn't feel the same way would you be able to move on?

 

She does know how you feel. If other men have noticed something then I can gurantee you she has too.

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Hi everyone. Thanks very much for all of your thoughts and advice. Good, bad, or indifferent, I appreciate them all. Just feels nice to actually "talk" about this.

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Few q's:

 

1. Does she talk to you about her husband or marriage? Did you ever meet her H? Does she seem happy with her life?

 

2. If you knew 100% that she dosn't feel the same way would you be able to move on?

 

She does know how you feel. If other men have noticed something then I can gurantee you she has too.

 

1. She rarely if ever talks about her husband with me. When we're out to lunch/dinner/drinks in a big group, yes she'll freely talk about her "husband" (using that word) or him by name. But when it's just us, she very rarely does. Concrete example, a few weeks ago I went to Miami for a long weekend. Coincidentally, she was going to California at exactly the same time for exactly the same duration. Obviously she was going with her husband, but when expressing how weird the coincidence was to me, she kept saying, "I'm headed to L.A. for the weekend too, how weird," and "I'm just looking forward to the beach," etc. etc.

 

I have met her husband, and fortunately I have "behaved" and acted normally. Mickie I think has a lot of general frustrations with her family life as a whole (she's got lots of issues to deal with beyond her husband, lots of frustrating extended family stuff that she vents to me about all the time). Mickie does not like her current living situation because it includes extended family members.

 

2. Yes.

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Hey, welcome. Read my journals.

 

Something not in there is in exactly the same month I met and started dating my wife, my friend, whom I had been in love with for many years (yep, she was married) finally left her husband after twenty years of marriage. I would not know that for another seven years. Life is full of interesting parallels.

 

I think you know what to do. I did it. I said goodbye. That will be harder for you. But, since you seem like a career-driven man, you can easily get away from her. I would recommend it. Trust me, she knows how you feel. She just does, even if you've never uttered a word about it. My friend knew immediately and I'm not a flirt and didn't flirt with her. She just knew. We still know, except it's me that's now married :D

 

There is no justice in the world, only death. Enjoy life. Get away from her. :)

 

In response to the various posts that Mickie definitely knows how I feel, I appreciate that and I think I do agree with that. At this point I'll just take solace in folks looking at the situation objectively and concluding that Mickie likely knows how I feel about her without me saying a word. This comforts me a bit because I don't want to burden her with this. I feel so strongly about her that I wouldn't unload this 2-ton gorrilla on her, knowing what it would do to everything. So I'm basically screwed. But, again, it gives me some comfort to know that she probably knows how I feel, and that she probably knows I would not escalate it. She means so much to me that I won't.

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BlueEyedGirl

The fact that she doesn't feel comfortable with talking about her H with you says that either there is something mutual there or she senses your feelings and doesn't want to hurt you by talking about him.

 

One thing that goes in your favour here is that women are more emotional than men. When they fall in love or have feelings for someone they find it incredibly difficult to move on and therefore women tend to divorce more frequently when having affairs than married men having affairs.

 

She either only sees you as a friend or is indeed trying to fight her feelings for you. If it's latter chances are, sooner or later something is gotta to give. Just hang tight, be her friend have some patience - do not make a move! and answer will be clear in time.

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OP, tell me about Mickie's personality. Her demeanor. The way she interacts with you and your co-workers.

 

Generally, and you might think this to be backwards, I personally would be more worried that she doesn't talk about her home life and include her husband. Now, conventional wisdom says that, because she isn't sharing her "issues" at home with you, that means she has feelings for you. That could very well be true. Here's the rub. If that's the case, there's going to be an emotional tug of war going on inside her that could get very ugly. It could leak out. It could cause her to do and say things that she really doesn't mean and that could be very hurtful to you. It could possibly poison those valued and valuable feelings.

 

Do you have any questions for me, or for my friend, to get the female perspective? I'll be seeing her tomorrow. We've both seen a lot, including babies growing up to have babies of their own. Those early days seem like a lifetime ago :) Happy to help if I can....

 

Tell me, can you feel her right now?

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