Fine line between mental probs and immaturity?

[Ally Boo]

Ok I'm just slightly confused right now, and my counseler cancelled on me, so I need some perspective here.

 

If someone seems to be COMPLETELY incapable of seeing the other person's side of something....can not get in someone else's shoes...and does things that would normally seem unreasonable for most people, is that immaturity, or just mental illness?

 

My boyfriend will sometimes do things that are completely insensative, like tell me he's going one place (home) and then stay at a friend's house instead (a girl at that who supposedly has a boyfriend)...and then say its ok bc he planned on telling me but I confronted him before he had the chance (which was true). And then tell me that I'm stupid for not seeing how much he loves me.

 

Ok Maybe he IS NOT cheating on me, maybe he DOES turn down propositions from women...but I DONT KNOW THAT HE DOES THAT, bc I'm NOT there to see it...how can I KNOW he loves me by that? And the interactions he DOES have with me...are selfish. I dont GET IT!! I gave up on him last night when I found out he wasn't at home, like he said he was going to be. But when discussed it, we were both as passionate about our stands, and finally I just gave in and said fine forget about it...just know that if you are going to do something different than what you tell me, I WILL GET PISSED...and I WONT get pissed at the truth.

 

I love him very much. My counseler says his actions such as being a "brick wall" at times is normal for his age and maturity level, and I shouldn't worry about it. But I'm beginning to wonder if he just has severe mental issues. He's already admitted to me that he only looks out for number 1 because when he doesn't, he finds himself going crazy, worrying about other people that he has no control over. And through all of this, I know he loves me... but I JUST DONT GET IT...and he CAN'T explain it to me!!!!

[Debster]

Is this the kind of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? If not, then cut him loose now and find someone who will think about your emotions.

[quankanne]

sounds like a maturity issue to me.

 

I think as someone gets older and experiences things, he builds up a reserve from which to draw upon. Like the first time you burn yourself dinking around with matches. More than likely, you aren't going to let the flame burn all the way down the stick the next time you light a match.

 

it's the same thing with relationships. Even if you don't have vast experiences with other people, you can at least draw up on your own likes and dislikes to direct your behavior (i.e., treating others like how you'd like to be treated).

 

your boyfriend doing these little things that drive you nuts might be in all innocence, but, if he's truly concerned about keeping your relationship in the right, he's not about to do something he knows will piss you off, even if it's something harmless. coming up with answers to diffuse the situation ("I was going to tell you but you beat me to it") sounds to me like he's covering his butt, and nothing more.

 

.... I'm curious, Ally. Just how old is this guy ("My counseler says his actions such as being a 'brick wall' at times is normal for his age and maturity level") and are you sure that you want to devote the rest of your life to someone who is not on the same playing field as you when it comes to maturity? I'm not trying to hassle you, but maybe help you take a look from a different angle, especially as you try to figure out your relationship with him. On the other hand, it's safe to assume that men seemingly go out of their way to do bone-headed things that hurt us pretty deeply. (and vice versa)

[katybird]

I don't understand the point of your question. You're describing behavior that you find unbearable, and then wondering what to attribute it to. What's the difference? The point is, YOU can't stand it and you should worry about YOUR needs in this case.

 

I think mental illness is when someone just doesn't percieve reality in the same way as others, and this hinders their ability to cope. He's probably not mentally ill - just selfish or dishonest or immature or all three.

 

All that really matters is - what can YOU tolerate?

[butterflyz]

if this is repetitive behavior - then he's probably immature, selfish, unfeeling,etc. these are not traits of a loved one.

 

all that you need to think about right now is you. katybird is right - can you tolerate this? do you want to tolerate this? why would you want to tolerate this?

 

he'll try and turn it around on you, make it like it's YOU, not him.

don't fall for it. it's not you . his behavior is ridiculous, regardless of age.

 

you seem like a really nice person, go find another really nice person that will love you. this selfish d^&% is not it.

[Ally Boo]

I really needed to write that post, bc it got my thoughts together and I was able to explain it to him. I told him that what he DOES (when I'm not around) to show me love, is never anything that I see...and the things that I DO see, are completely selfish. It really bothered him to hear it, he kept trying to hide his face and stuff, and I told him that I know that he knows what he has done is wrong, and its ok. I love him, and I know he can treat me how he should.

 

When I told him that I was beginning to think he was mentally ill, he was shocked. I think he thought I was joking at first, but once he realized how serious I was, I think it really sunk in, what he had been doing to me and how it has made me feel.

 

I left him at home, while I did some running around, so he could think about things....I guess about an hour or two. He later told me how sorry he was. And he said "Ally, one day, I'll get all my sh** straightened out, and I'm going to marry you. I love you SO much, and I'm so sorry I've hurt you." Then he like opened up to me....started telling me his problems, open heartedly told me about how he was still hurt about our past, I mean, the flood gates just opened up...

 

It was really kinda cool. I don't expect that I've woken up to a completely different person, this morning, but at least he knows how I feel, and I know how he feels. And I think we are on our way.