Jump to content

Married and flirting


Recommended Posts

I do not know where to begin my story. I got myself into this situation and I need all your advice/help to make the right choices. I am married for last 10 years and have two kids. Mine was an arranged marriage. By the time I realised me and my husband are very different, I already had my first baby. Things are always on a roller coaster ride between us. We basically never connected . I had my second one and things went even worse. There is no physical abuse in the relation but we are emotionally divorced . We drifted apart. Sexual life is also very minimal and the few times he had sex, he talks about other imaginary women. Most of the time it is mental than physical and I never complained about that either but I did ask him I wanted more than that. Also, With the nature of his job I almost operate as a single mom. I never complained and I kind of got adjusted with the life until something changed my life forever. I met this person at work last year. He is married with a kid. He is in the same team and our talks were never personal. As I came to know him, I started liking him more. He is my coworker/friend. We hang out in a group during breaks and we have lunch together ocassionally. We talk on IM with each other all day. He is source of my strength many times. He helped me handle many things which I could not have done by myself. He makes me beleive in myself and boosts my self confidence. I did talk about things not going too well on family front but the conversations are very brief and he did offer advise which helped me stand up for myself. No flirting was involved initially. These days the conversations started flowing more comfortably. Sometimes when he comments, I do not know how to take them cause I dont know if he is just being nice or if he has feelings for me. I know I WILL NEVER take this anywhere however I am tormented. He has no idea what kind of effect he has on me with the attention he gives me. He was teasing me saying he wanted a kiss but the conversation was very indirect. I have never been kissed passionately except for a peck and this topic created a huge storm in my mind. All I can think of these days is how will it be if he kissed me. Last few weeks were so bad. I thought i did not even once told him what I think of him. I was shocked when he said something last week. I know he is reading my mind when I am around him. He knows I like him. He said he can read my looks and I told him he is imagining things. I dont know how to punish myself but I cant get his face off my mind. When I am away from him, like on weekends, I get better. I try to spend time with kids. I count how many hours I could go without thinking of him. I go back to work on Monday with strong determination to keep my foot on the ground all the time and stick to my promises not to think of him. On Monday, the minute I see him, I forget every resolution of mine. I feel happy if he talks ,sad if he is busy and is caught up with work. I get so upset if he is off from work. I count hours for it to be the next day so I can see him. How I do get out of this situation? I read lots of posts on this forum. First tried working things out between me and my husband. It looked so odd to address somethings which were never a problem in 10 years and I get no motivation to repair this marriage as LOTS of things are taken for granted and my husband never listens if I bring up anything. Do I want to get out of this marriage? No I dont cause I cannot see my kids go through the pain of divorce . Will I have an affair with this coworker/friend? No...I love him so much but I would never even tell him that and ruin his marriage. What options do I have to stop thinking about him. He is like nonstop on my mind. All I want to do these days is close my eyes and sleep so I can think about him remember his face smiling laughing teasing me Whatever time we spent together. I don't feel like doing anything. All I want is spending with him. Any advice Anything that can help me is greatly appreciated.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Some counseling might help you understand the true dynamics of an unhealthy marriage, as well as divorce, on a family, including children. Make decisions from the standpoint of clarity. Counseling can also help you with the feelings you have for your co-worker. Getting it out and examining it in a safe place helps. MC was that place for us, but your situation is your own. Would your H go to MC and be able to hear your truth?

 

When you're much older, I think you'll look back on this time and the decisions you made, especially when you look in the eyes of your grown children and their children. Choose wisely :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are already putting your marriage in danger. Talk with your H and let him know that you are not happy. See if the 2 of you can work on this together. Be careful of the other guy, he seems like he knows what he is doing. Trust me he probably wants more. That doesn't mean he wants a emotional relationship, it means he wants you physically. He is looking for some action on the side

Link to post
Share on other sites

First of all, I am sorry you are going through this tough time. I just recently went through something similar.

 

You must go limited contact with this guy. No contact would be best, but since you work together that would be tough I am sure. You need to stop the IM, the lunches together, etc... I know how tough this is, but you are in a no-win situation here because he is not single. It's one thing for you to leave your husband for a chance with him, but more than likely he wouldn't leave his wife for you.

 

You should talk to your husband and go to counciling. If he won't go, then you need to focus your energy on you not on the other guy. Work on yourself, better yourself, hit the gym. Seriously, decide what you want from life. This is a wake up call to you that something is missing in your life, an emotional void that you want this guy to fill. The key is that the void must be filled by you, no one else can do it.

 

Good luck and keep posting, it helps.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan
All I want is spending with him. Any advice Anything that can help me is greatly appreciated.

 

 

Yes. Divorce your husband and set him free from you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda
Yes. Divorce your husband and set him free from you.

 

LMAO!!!

 

Good idea, matter of fact she should tell him as well.

 

But why the arraigned marriage? if you didnt want to get married to this guy you should have spoken up instead of being quiet. People, I swear to you. 3rd world countries needs to listen, arrainged marriages dont work in this day and age, one spouse will never be happy with one another being forced into it.

 

I suspect her husband isnt happy about the marriage either, what man willingly wants to be married to a woman he barely knows? and vice versa.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I do not know where to begin my story. I got myself into this situation and I need all your advice/help to make the right choices. I am married for last 10 years and have two kids. Mine was an arranged marriage. By the time I realised me and my husband are very different, I already had my first baby. Things are always on a roller coaster ride between us. We basically never connected . I had my second one and things went even worse. There is no physical abuse in the relation but we are emotionally divorced . We drifted apart. Sexual life is also very minimal and the few times he had sex, he talks about other imaginary women. Most of the time it is mental than physical and I never complained about that either but I did ask him I wanted more than that. Also, With the nature of his job I almost operate as a single mom. I never complained and I kind of got adjusted with the life until something changed my life forever. I met this person at work last year. He is married with a kid. He is in the same team and our talks were never personal. As I came to know him, I started liking him more. He is my coworker/friend. We hang out in a group during breaks and we have lunch together ocassionally. We talk on IM with each other all day. He is source of my strength many times. He helped me handle many things which I could not have done by myself. He makes me beleive in myself and boosts my self confidence. I did talk about things not going too well on family front but the conversations are very brief and he did offer advise which helped me stand up for myself. No flirting was involved initially. These days the conversations started flowing more comfortably. Sometimes when he comments, I do not know how to take them cause I dont know if he is just being nice or if he has feelings for me. I know I WILL NEVER take this anywhere however I am tormented. He has no idea what kind of effect he has on me with the attention he gives me. He was teasing me saying he wanted a kiss but the conversation was very indirect. I have never been kissed passionately except for a peck and this topic created a huge storm in my mind. All I can think of these days is how will it be if he kissed me. Last few weeks were so bad. I thought i did not even once told him what I think of him. I was shocked when he said something last week. I know he is reading my mind when I am around him. He knows I like him. He said he can read my looks and I told him he is imagining things. I dont know how to punish myself but I cant get his face off my mind. When I am away from him, like on weekends, I get better. I try to spend time with kids. I count how many hours I could go without thinking of him. I go back to work on Monday with strong determination to keep my foot on the ground all the time and stick to my promises not to think of him. On Monday, the minute I see him, I forget every resolution of mine. I feel happy if he talks ,sad if he is busy and is caught up with work. I get so upset if he is off from work. I count hours for it to be the next day so I can see him. How I do get out of this situation? I read lots of posts on this forum. First tried working things out between me and my husband. It looked so odd to address somethings which were never a problem in 10 years and I get no motivation to repair this marriage as LOTS of things are taken for granted and my husband never listens if I bring up anything. Do I want to get out of this marriage? No I dont cause I cannot see my kids go through the pain of divorce . Will I have an affair with this coworker/friend? No...I love him so much but I would never even tell him that and ruin his marriage. What options do I have to stop thinking about him. He is like nonstop on my mind. All I want to do these days is close my eyes and sleep so I can think about him remember his face smiling laughing teasing me Whatever time we spent together. I don't feel like doing anything. All I want is spending with him. Any advice Anything that can help me is greatly appreciated.

 

You do have an, 'enter' key you know..

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I thank each one of you who took time to read and respond.

 

Carhill &Lkhj, I really appreciate your responses. I got them when I needed the most. I was meditating these two lines " when you look in the eyes of your grown children and their children" and " That doesn't mean he wants a emotional relationship".

 

GoldStart, You are very right that I need something else to fill my emotional void

 

Dexter, Thanks for the response. Divorce was never my option

 

Chrome, Thanks to you too, I am more focussed on things I can change rather than worry about the past. Also I have no intentions on arguing about which type of marriage is the best. Each has their pros and Cons. I am committed in my relationship and I need strength in this rough time.

 

Javelin :) I was busy pouring my heart out you know....Who was thinking about the "enter key" when my thoughts were racing faster than my hands could type. I remember this time. Makes it easier to read eh?

 

So here is the update on how I am doing now. First of all, I am WAY better than last week. Possibly my hormones also settled down which puts my emotions in place. I am taking one day at a time. I am ignoring any/all efforts to advance this anywhere. I hope I stay this stronger always.

 

At home front, I am concentrating on my kids. When thoughts swarm like bees, I let them for 5 minutes and then hard break to them. I am exhasuting myself physically and mentally so when I go to bed, I fall asleep easily.:)

 

I am keeping myself super busy during the day at work. I am not avoiding him but learning not to make him my priority in life. As of today, I still cant resist him . The minute I see him, I will not be what I am at this minute. Every resolution evaporates. So, prevention is best cure.

 

So I am here on Thursday Morning, a happy soul(atleast trying) with tons of work to do. I cannot begin to say how thankful I am to this forum. I got my worse thoughts out of my mind which gave me lot of clarity.

 

More responses, more insight always appreciated.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Glad you are feeling better today. That's a good sign, but don't be fooled by your temporary good mood. Your problems are still there and will intensify again.

 

It's okay to not be okay. You sound like me. I would admit a problem, then say a few days later that I was better and had more clarity. It took me a long time to figure out that nothing would change unless I took some specific action over a longer period of time.

 

Then you feel better for longer, and for real.

 

You say divorce isn't an option, right? Then your only remaining option is to go to counselling with your husband and to reduce the contact with your coworker (as you are starting to do.)

 

Your marriage will not magically get better on its own. The coworker will probably redouble his efforts to get you once he feels you are pulling away.

 

Talk to your husband. Tell him you know he isn't as happy as he could be, and that you want to work on your marriage so it meets both of your needs. It can be done, with the right skills....and they are something that you both can learn.

 

You are smart to cut out the emotional contact with your coworker. Keep it up! You really don't want an affair. They always end badly. So stay out of any situation that would put you on that road.

 

Remember that your coworker could be any guy. He's not special. It's simply that he is the one paying attention to you, and you are responding to an unmet need.

 

How you get that need met is up to you. With therapy, it could well be your husband. If he won't go to therapy, then you must meet that need with a support group of some sort, like a hobby or class, or simply a good group of female friends. And go to therapy on your own.

 

Good luck to you. You sound very aware of yourself and your motivations. That's half the battle in doing the right thing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan

Dexter, Thanks for the response. Divorce was never my option

 

Then quit talking about how you want to be with this other man and be a friggin' wife.

 

that or tell your husband about your obsession with this other guy, that you like him, want to be with him....etc...and see if he wants to continue in a marriage with someone that isn't committed to him in her mind.

 

 

I am committed in my relationship and I need strength in this rough time.

 

If you have thoughts of wanting to be with this other man and are desiring some sort of contact to test the waters with him, then NO, you are NOT committed to your marriage or relationship.

 

Be a wife, or cease to be one.

 

 

I am keeping myself super busy during the day at work. I am not avoiding him but learning not to make him my priority in life. As of today, I still cant resist him . The minute I see him, I will not be what I am at this minute. Every resolution evaporates. So, prevention is best cure.

 

Couldn't have said it better myself....so on that note....start looking for another job.

 

I know....thats not an option for you either. Looks like the only options for you are those that will be convenient for you while not taking into consideration the health, or lack of health, of your marriage.

 

 

So I am here on Thursday Morning, a happy soul(atleast trying) with tons of work to do. I cannot begin to say how thankful I am to this forum. I got my worse thoughts out of my mind which gave me lot of clarity.

 

Uh, no, you didn't. You still can't resist him and you are still working at the same company with him. Time to start sending out resumes.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You have a crush on him , you know it and he knows it. He has not tried to take advantage of that probably because he is married. You will not act on it because you are married . So far, so good.

 

You have a crush on a co-worker. Obviously because you are both married you need to pull back.

 

You could have a crush on this guy whether or not your marriage has problems. But your temptation torments you. The problems you do have need to be addressed and if they are maybe you will not feel so tempted.

This temptation magnifies the things you lack in your marriage. Pulling back is a good thing all around.

 

You are on the right track!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Lipstick,

 

I could have written your post..at least the part about the OM.

 

You are in the midst of an emotional affair with this man. You are addicted and dependent on him for your happiness.

 

You say you are pulling back. But you are not pulling away. I did the same thing. It's a little dance we do because our desire is strong and our resolve is weak.

 

You are on a very dangerous path and if you stay on it you are heading for tremendous heartbreak.

 

Protect your heart. How?

 

Set boundaries...both physical and emotional..and stick to them. Don't keep redrawing the lines in the sand.

 

Stop the IM. Private conversations like this lead to emotional intimacy. You crave this since you don't have it with your husband, so it's going to be hard to do. But if you don't do it, you are only going to get more emotionally attached to this man. You may think you can control it. You may think you have your heart protected..but you would be surprised how much you can fool yourself.

 

Stop the flirting...his and yours. All the little subtle innuendos. These lead to the fantasies and the sexual desire for this man. As long as the flirting continues, the desire will escalate. Tell this man you are married. Tell him you don't want an affair, if that's what he's thinking. Tell him to keep all conversation professional. Tell him you will have no outside contact with him.

 

It's not enough to set physical boundaries. I had physical boundaries in place...no touching, no lunches, no secret meetings.

 

But what I didn't do was set emotional boundaries to protect my heart. That is why you need to stop the emotional intimacy on IM and stop the flirting. If you don't your heart will pay a very heavy price.

 

I have been in counseling for nearly a year now since my EA ended. It's an emotional roller coaster ride from hell. Trust me, you don't want to go there.

 

Posters here will try to reason with you..telling you to think of your husband and children. But I know in the throes of an emotional affair, the last thing you think of is husband and kids. So instead, think of yourself and the pain you will suffer if you choose to let this emotional affair continue. It will devastate you emotionally, physically and psychologically and do the same to your family.

 

Get into counseling ASAP.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda
Lipstick,

 

I could have written your post..at least the part about the OM.

 

You are in the midst of an emotional affair with this man. You are addicted and dependent on him for your happiness.

 

You say you are pulling back. But you are not pulling away. I did the same thing. It's a little dance we do because our desire is strong and our resolve is weak.

 

You are on a very dangerous path and if you stay on it you are heading for tremendous heartbreak.

 

Protect your heart. How?

 

Set boundaries...both physical and emotional..and stick to them. Don't keep redrawing the lines in the sand.

 

Stop the IM. Private conversations like this lead to emotional intimacy. You crave this since you don't have it with your husband, so it's going to be hard to do. But if you don't do it, you are only going to get more emotionally attached to this man. You may think you can control it. You may think you have your heart protected..but you would be surprised how much you can fool yourself.

 

Stop the flirting...his and yours. All the little subtle innuendos. These lead to the fantasies and the sexual desire for this man. As long as the flirting continues, the desire will escalate. Tell this man you are married. Tell him you don't want an affair, if that's what he's thinking. Tell him to keep all conversation professional. Tell him you will have no outside contact with him.

 

It's not enough to set physical boundaries. I had physical boundaries in place...no touching, no lunches, no secret meetings.

 

But what I didn't do was set emotional boundaries to protect my heart. That is why you need to stop the emotional intimacy on IM and stop the flirting. If you don't your heart will pay a very heavy price.

 

I have been in counseling for nearly a year now since my EA ended. It's an emotional roller coaster ride from hell. Trust me, you don't want to go there.

 

Posters here will try to reason with you..telling you to think of your husband and children. But I know in the throes of an emotional affair, the last thing you think of is husband and kids. So instead, think of yourself and the pain you will suffer if you choose to let this emotional affair continue. It will devastate you emotionally, physically and psychologically and do the same to your family.

 

Get into counseling ASAP.

 

Hmmm so lies of omission makes cheating okay as long as you dont have to reveal it? Wow wonder what would happen if the shoe was on the other foot?:confused:

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author

Hello everyone,

 

First let me thank for your time answering my post. I value every reply sent to me as it gives me more insight into what I am doing.

 

Here is how I am doing after almost 10 day trial of staying away from all the nonsense I got myself into

 

Everything is pretty much same. You are right, I didn't make any attempt to stay away from him. I am feeling much better though for God known reasons. I dont shut myself down to just think about him anymore. I am more energized, focussed and accomplishing many things than before. Now please dont take me wrong but I am positive I get this energy just because I see him more often than before, talking is most of the days minimal. Little to no IM. However when I talk to him, the impact lasts for looooong time. We talk just daily routine and nothing more. No physical contact what soever. I am also amazed how we talk with our eyes when we look at eachother . Nothing said but everything said. GOd, I love him so much and I will never tell him that.

 

I know my heart will be broken one day but I want to be happy till then. Never did I feel this good ....not in years. I am sure I can live on these memories for rest of my life. just thinking of all the happy times. I know I am not putting any effort to repair my marriage. But I am so addicted to his presence . I feel hard to get out of this. I honestly make resolutions on weekends but when I see him, i dont remember anything. One smile and all the resolutions are gone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses

Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

It feels great just like any drug and it WILL take more to get the same effect eventually... physiologically that's just how those pleasure centers work.

 

Unfortuately the fantasy is just as toxic as some other mind altering drug with the downside that its always available. Your really setting yourself up here... why not try jogging.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan
Hello everyone,

 

First let me thank for your time answering my post. I value every reply sent to me as it gives me more insight into what I am doing.

 

Here is how I am doing after almost 10 day trial of staying away from all the nonsense I got myself into

 

Everything is pretty much same. You are right, I didn't make any attempt to stay away from him. I am feeling much better though for God known reasons. I dont shut myself down to just think about him anymore. I am more energized, focussed and accomplishing many things than before. Now please dont take me wrong but I am positive I get this energy just because I see him more often than before, talking is most of the days minimal. Little to no IM. However when I talk to him, the impact lasts for looooong time. We talk just daily routine and nothing more. No physical contact what soever. I am also amazed how we talk with our eyes when we look at eachother . Nothing said but everything said. GOd, I love him so much and I will never tell him that.

 

I know my heart will be broken one day but I want to be happy till then. Never did I feel this good ....not in years. I am sure I can live on these memories for rest of my life. just thinking of all the happy times. I know I am not putting any effort to repair my marriage. But I am so addicted to his presence . I feel hard to get out of this. I honestly make resolutions on weekends but when I see him, i dont remember anything. One smile and all the resolutions are gone.

 

OMFG, get a divorce and set your husband free from you already.

 

boy do I feel sorry for your husband.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Divorce can work. It was difficult for me. Snakes in my head for a year, much stronger now.

 

Those work things are very difficult. I think you're doing OK with it. I was sucked into one and it was bizarre. With a client. Must choose unattractive clients!

 

Simply avoiding the other doesn't seem to work. The mind viruses keep going. Gradually letting things slip back seemed to depower the emotions for me. Seems you're doing that.

 

I considered simply discussing the matter with a lady friend / associate of mine. Never quite got up the nerve. I was concerned she'd see and opening and push, rather than helping break the bond. Got the impression I was being pursued. But here, you might be the pursuer, so getting help from the other isn't out of the question.

 

 

Good luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...