P*ssedOff Posted October 5, 2002 Share Posted October 5, 2002 I have a pretty complicated problem that I need all the help I can get on.... I have been dating a guy for about 3 months now. Every single thing in our r/s is perfect EXCEPT for the fact that he is still in contact with his ex girlfriend. She was 'the one that got away' I think, he has known her for 3 years now & has been 'hoping' that things would work out. Well between the time they broke up (2 yrs ago) to the time he met me (3 months ago) he says the reason he kept in contact with her was because he wanted to 'keep a distance' from women that he was casually dating & not get that serious. (That's what his excuse is) Well, I guess that mindset didn't work with me. We got pretty serious pretty fast. I am now living with him. He is the greatest guy & I know he truly cares about me. I just can't get over the fact that he feels he needs to keep in contact with her. I have brought up that it makes me uncomfortable, he understands that. He says he is still talking with her because he's not 100% over her. I told him that maybe he should think about stopping all contact with her (to me, keeping in contact with someone is not the way you are supposed to 'get over' them) but I guess he doesn't feel the same way. I have told him that I doubt that he cares about me as much as he says he does, (cuz to me, if he did, he would JUST GET OVER IT) but he says he needs time & doesn't feel that he should just cut off contact completly. Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to ask/say is how do I know FOR SURE that he's trying to get over this person, or if he's USING me until he can BE with this person? Has anyone had anything like this before? Advice, suggestions, anything would be good at this point........ Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 5, 2002 Share Posted October 5, 2002 Somehow, I don't think he's been straight with you on his feelings for this ex. His excuse for keeping contact with her is pretty lame. However, it's very hard for some people to move on with their lives and a break up and some people NEVER get over some people. You are absolutely correct in advising him to cut off all contact with her. His reluctance to do so is clear evidence that he still has emotional ties and is not yet ready to cut away. If she was just a friend, I'd say you would have to put up with his contact with her. But she is an ex girlfriend, an ex lover, who broke his heart. It simply isn't fair to you or the relationship for him to keep talking to her. Yes, absolutely, you can bet your butt if she called him today and said "come on back" he would run to her door...and you can't live or remain with him with that fact. You need to let him know in absolute, clear terms (but do so kindly) that this is something that you consider disrespectful to you and you will no longer tolerate it. She IS NOT a friend, she is an ex lover. Until you resolve this firmly, you will not have a satisfactory relationship with him. You might suggest as part of this process of ceasing communication that you will support him in seeking the help of a counsellor. If he refuses to stop talking to her, you need to be on your way. Until he is ready to let go of her, he is not a candidate for a quality relationship and you will continually be uneasy about the situation. You don't need to put yourself through that. It will be his loss if you leave him. If he is so crazy that he is willing to put very good things in his life in jeopardy and waste precious years pining like a lovesick wimp over some woman who dumped him several years ago, he is certainly not man enough to be in your life. This guy's got a lot to learn! Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted October 5, 2002 Share Posted October 5, 2002 Especially since this guy admits that he's not over his ex, the only way he has any business being in a relationship with you is if he's ready & willing to let go of her completely, i.e. severing all ties. It's too bad you're living with him already, because I imagine it complicates things when you're considering whether or not to break up with him. Even if he does agree to cease all contact with his ex, if I were you I'd think about moving out. De-escalate things a bit. If, as he has said, keeping in touch with his ex was a distancing technique for him, you should create distance so that he doesn't seek it in an unhealthy way. The distance will also, hopefully, give you a bit more perspective on this guy. Is he really ready for a relationship ... or is he happier mired in angst about his ex? Don't put up with this for another day. Seriously. Staying in touch with his beloved ex while "building" a relationship with you is a disrespectful, hurtful thing to do. Not to mention stupid. He needs to sort himself out. It's up to him. You know where the lines are. Your job is to make sure he doesn't cross them, and if he does, then to get rid of him. Link to post Share on other sites
butterflyz Posted October 6, 2002 Share Posted October 6, 2002 he's living with you...but not completely over her....and he had the nerve to suggest living with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Eddy Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 Why are you shacked up with a guy who plainly admits he's not, after 2 yrs, over his ex girlfriend? Now don't tell us that you didn't find this out til way after you moved in coz we're not gonna buy that. You're a rebound girl, to a great extent. He's using YOU to try and get over her. If she called him back today and asked to get back with him, he'd go. Have some self respect and self worth and move out...and don't settle for someone who's not emotionally or physically available to be in a relationship with you. If you think that over time, he'll forget about her coz he's with you, think again. He's had well over 2 yrs to get over his ex but it's not happened. The guy obviously has some major issues with letting go, or else he's got something on the side with his ex....that keeps the fires burning. Nevermind all this worrying about whether he's over her...he's NOT. He's TOLD YOU THAT HE'S NOT. His *ACTIONS* (continued contact with her) show you that HE'S NOT OVER HER. You've got all the information, now take it and do something with it: move out. And next time, don't be so desperate to move in with someone...there's no rush. Take your time. Get to know more about the guy. Don't give it up so quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 You knew he was not over his ex, yet you moved in with him. Did you think that if you moved it, it would just change his feelings? If you did, I understand that line of thinking, but it wouldn't work. As long as you stay with someone who you know will leave you if the other person comes along, you will be unhappy and it will be your fault, for staying and knowing this at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
just_a_girl Posted October 23, 2002 Share Posted October 23, 2002 Excellent advice and well worded Ally. However, i have also been in a similar situation and seen things from both sides. I was with a guy who as far as i knew kept in touch as friends with his ex (ex lover/girlfriend). I also had an ex that i wanted to keep in touch with as friends. I saw nothing wrong with keeping in touch with my ex because i knew nothing would come of it. If i wanted to keep in touch with my ex i wasn't going to stop him from being friends with his ex. However he still had feelings for her while with me. On the other end of the spectrum... after me and him broke up we tried to stay friends, but i kept hassling him about our relationship and what went wrong when he started seeing someone else, his new girlfriend pretty much made him cut all contact from me. I know it wasn't only her decision because he had to want to not stay friends with me, but she did have an input on it. I personally don't think it was fair because i see nothing wrong with ex's staying friends. I guess its hard to know where the border should be cut. Maybe you should just be happy he is with you now and make the most of it. He obviously wants to be with you at the moment or he wouldn't have offered for you to live with him. Perhaps he may end up back with his ex, but i guess it all depends why they broke up in the first place. Maybe it can never be refixed. In any case, be happy that he isn't out persuing other relationship. There are almost always ex's involved and it is better they get along then her causing nasty hassles for both of you. (something to think about) :-) Link to post Share on other sites
pinkroses Posted November 12, 2002 Share Posted November 12, 2002 your own question. It sounds very much like he is using you until he can be with this other woman. It could be that you are a rebound relationship. Three months is an awfully short time to know someone before moving in together, but that's beside the point. The fact that he is still in contact with this other person is plain as can be, he still has feelings for her and is still hoping for reconciliation. If and when that day comes, you will be a third wheel and he'll probably go back to her. Living together is not security that he'll stay with you. This guy wants to have his cake and eat it too. I'd really like to see you leave this situation before your feelings get deeper and you get more hurt than you already are. How can anyone expect to wean from a relationship while still being in contact? I think that's an excuse he's giving you to keep two women on a string so he won't be lonely. I hope you BOTH dump this guy. He needs to decide who he wants to be with and have consideration for the emotions of the two people he is using. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 12, 2002 Share Posted November 12, 2002 Thank you Butterflyz, Eddy, and Ally Boo for saying what I wanted to say. In 3 months people can find themselves crazy about each other and believe themselves to be in love. Usually after a few more months they discover that the passion and excitement was based on "surface charms" and when day-to-day reality sets in it isn't always pretty. If you have expressed your feelings about his remaining in contact with his ex and he has chosen to ignore your feelings, or tell you that your feelings are wrong (feelings are NOT wrong) then you need make some decisions about this relationship and he needs to know how serious it is. When my husband and I were dating he remained in contact with his ex. They had a long and deep history together (she had an abortion that he paid for because it was his) and an amicable split. He asked me to answer the phone at his apartment once and I talked to her for a few minutes. It bothered me to hear him talking to her because his tone of voice was so easy and sweet with her and they almost seemed to read each others minds -- and we hadn't got to that point yet. I felt like an outsider. My husband assured me that I had nothing to worry about. I asked him how often they spoke and it was several times a week. I asked what they talked about and he told me that they discussed the most intimate details of each other's lives -- her with her new beau, and he with me. Things that she didn't need to know! At one point my husband was staying with my mother and I for a few weeks and he gave this girl my mother's phone number so she could reach him. She and my mother talked for over an hour one day! It finally began to taper off and ended when I told my (then bf) to make a choice. Apparently her bf told her the same thing and the two of them said good-bye over the phone. Funny thing - about 5 or 6 years after we were married and my husband was looking for a job he got a call from her. She was married and I guess had a couple of kids, but still called him every year or so (I didn't know this) anyway - he could go on a job interview at the company where she worked - he would have to meet with her first. I thought about it, but we were in a tight spot because it was around the time my husbands disability began and he hadn't worked in a while so I sent him along. He was real nervous about seeing her and his step-mother told me I was a fool to send him off to another woman. Well, I trust my husband - he knows now and knew then how I felt and I told my step-MIL that it was a job interview - not a rendezvous and if he wanted to make a play for her he would do it knowing full well he need'nt come back to me. He wasn't interested in making a play for her - he was and is in love with me and knows that he has it good & that I love him unconditionally. He doesn't want to hurt me. They had a nice little visit, he did not get the job and we haven't heard from her in at least 15 years. Communication, Understanding, Respect That is the foundation supporting marriage and allows us to love each other so totally and deeply, and to trust each other completely. Communication, Understanding, Respect Unlike "love" these three things didn't just happen - we had to determine what they meant to us and we had to work at them and achieve them and keep working at them to maintain them. Then the love happens. Link to post Share on other sites
butterflyz Posted November 13, 2002 Share Posted November 13, 2002 you are very mature. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted November 13, 2002 Share Posted November 13, 2002 VERY well worded and excellent advice. I learned something today! Link to post Share on other sites
newmom Posted November 19, 2002 Share Posted November 19, 2002 when i first met my husband, he was my "rebound" from a long term relationship that had JUST ended. after we got serious, he made me stop talking to my ex. i cant really explain why i wanted to carry on a friendship with my ex. i guess part of it was not that i still wanted to be in a relationship with him, because i didnt. i think i was still mad that i got hurt, and by staying friends with my ex i could say "hey, look. i am in a better place in my life than you now". it was wrong of me to want to do, and i dont regret stopping contact with him at all. anyway, maybe that is what is going on with your boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
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