Dont know what to do

[BiancaRura]

I don't know exactly how to start this because there is so much involved, but I will try to make it as short as possible.

 

Ive been friends with this girl for about 4 years. Her brother use to drive us places back in high school. I told her then that I thought he was cute. Me and her stopped talking for about 2 years and last sem we had a class together and started talking and being friends again.

 

I told her that I still thought her brother was cute (we had been to his house a couple times since we were friends again). Well recently we started "talking" and kinda fooling around. One BIG problem is he has a g/f, she isn't faithful to him and he isn't to her. He has been saying he wants to end things and he has tried to end things but she doesn't get it, she keeps coming around.

 

He knows that I'm celibate (and have been for 3 years) and he said he is willing to be celibate if we are together, even though he is a very sexual person.

 

Everyone he knows, even his family, have told me that he only cheats if he finds out that they cheat first.

 

Theres probably so much more that I haven't said but I cant think of it at the moment... will write more later (most likely)

 

I don't know what to do because I really like this guy but I don't want to get hurt again. I don't think my heart can take it. Any advice will help.

[Tony T]

You told me enough for me not to want to advise you on how to get this guy and to want to tell you why he could be your worst nightmare so if you don't want to hear what I have to say, just stop reading now.

 

Did you read what you wrote???

 

This guy is a manipulator (he's doing it to YOU), a womanizer and a cheater. He will stomp your heart good and proper and probably take your virginity along with it.

 

He now cheats on his girlfriend and his girlfriend cheats on him...what a deal. Yet, he stays in the relationship. There's got to be a reason why. It's not because she's holding a gun to his head, it's not because she has some magical spell. He has a free will and if he doesn't want her in his life in some fashion he could get away from her in the next five minutes. He LOVES the freedom of being able to screw around on the side...like what he's doing with you except he's screwing with your head (some men find that just as satisfactory.)

 

He is with her because she permits him to cheat on the side. He is always with her because is a cold-hearted butthole who has little feelings and doesn't care if his lady screws other guys. He also doesn't care about himself because he doesn't care if he catches some exotic or possibly fatal sexually transmitted disease from her.

 

And then he thinks you are stupid enough to buy into the idea that he only cheats if somebody cheats on him. Did you hear that??? Those are the words of a four or five year old child. Do you want a child for a boyfriend??? Those are also the words of a vindictive asxhole who can ruin your life for many years if you fall hard. What he is saying is that he reserves the right to think that his girlfriend is cheating on him in order to justify his roaming behavior.

 

You say you don't want to get hurt again but I can't believe that for half a second. If you didn't want to get hurt again, you wouldn't be thinking about this guy or be anywhere near him.

 

Now, besides getting your butt slapped up against the pavement and trompled flat by this guy, you would lose a girlfriend (his sister) as well when he finally made cream of cardia of your heart.

 

So, I'm not going to help you get this guy because I think more of you than that. But if somebody comes by here who really doesn't like you or care about your happiness, I'm sure they would be delighted to lead you in the direction of misery and heartbreak with this lying, cheating jerk.

 

Good luck, you're going to need all you can get and more!!!

[midori]

You say: "He has been saying he wants to end things and he has tried to end things but she doesn't get it, she keeps coming around. "

 

?

 

So in essence, he doesn't want to be with her but she won't free him from the grip of her magic power ring that has him locked into a loveless, unfaithful relationship? And if you take him on, he'll be able to finally break free and be the chaste, loving and faithful person he really is deep down inside?

 

Wow! What an intriguing challenge. Who could resist becoming the Lady in White who saves a man from the clutches of an evil, cheating girlfriend? Especially when the man in question is cute?

 

Just having a bit of fun, I know there's really no magic power ring. But otherwise that's exactly what he's saying, isn't it? And even without the magic power ring, that story is ludicrous.

 

I can't even entertain possible scenarios in which giving him the benefit of a doubt would be justified. This guy has a seriously warped way of conducting relationships and a little bit of change over a short amount of time won't be nearly enough to make him someone you'd want to get involved with. Check in with him in a decade if you want to. But don't hold your breath.

 

By the way, I realize that of course his family will defend him and rationalize his behavior, but listen to what you yourself wrote: "Everyone he knows, even his family, have told me that he only cheats if he finds out that they cheat first. " In other words, this is a common occurrence in his life. Why is this guy always getting involved with women who "cheat first?" Does he push them to cheat? You might kid yourself that his promises to be chaste with you indicate that he wants to turn over a new leaf, but hard experience has taught me that if a person wants to make a change, he will do so without someone there to prod him or set an example. Sure, in theory he might admire you but if he seriously wanted to change his ways he would have started taking the necessary steps himself, rather than waiting to see if you'll come along with him. I'd keep far, far away from this guy, and I wouldn't give credence to anything he says.

 

You might really like him, but that doesn't mean he's appropriate. Your intuition that you will end up getting hurt is dead on. Don't disregard that with rationalizations. If you want to analyze anything, ask yourself why you are attracted to a person with a blatant record of faithlessness and self-serving excuses.

[Ed]

I don't know exactly how to start this because there is so much involved

 

BiancaRura, I'm glad you don't know how to start this because I don't think it's a good idea to start anything with this guy.

 

He has been saying he wants to end things and he has tried to end things but she doesn't get it, she keeps coming around.

 

If he truly wants to end the relationship with his girlfriend, he can stop seeing her and he can take measures to stop her from coming around him. Depending on how psycho she is, he may have to take legal action or call for assistance from the police.

 

He knows that I'm celibate (and have been for 3 years) and he said he is willing to be celibate if we are together, even though he is a very sexual person.

 

By celibate, I assume you mean - not have sex until you are married. He has not chosen this type of lifestyle up until now. I guess it is possible he could change.

 

Everyone he knows, even his family, have told me that he only cheats if he finds out that they cheat first.

 

This is not the way mature people handle relationships. Cheating on someone because they have cheated solves nothing. It only perpetuates the immaturity and disfunction of the relationship.

 

Every relationship you enter into has the potential for disappointment and heartbreak. It goes with the territory. All relationships are risky. The best you can do is pay attention to things *ahead of time* that could be a problem in a long-term relationship.

 

Unfortunately, this guy doesn't sound to me like a good candidate for a long-term relationship. My comments are strictly based on what you have written here about his inability to sever or remedy a problem relationship with his current girlfriend and the way he has handled her cheating on him.

 

I cuncur with Tony and midori.

[Ally Boo]

OK wake up girl, this guy is a player in the worst sense of the word. Of course he will go along with your celibacy...bc he's probably going to keep stringing his current girlfriend along too. My best friend's bf was the worst about telling everyone that he'd try to break up, but she was pshcyo, turns out he's the one that is psycho. I mean come on, a man is NOT going to let a woman be around him if he doesn't want her there. Breaking up isn't that hard...just don't answer the phone, the door, and avoid all possible contact.

If you are going to keep yourself celibate, and I think that's great....go find a guy at a church or somewhere, find someone who shares your values. You won't risk your delicate heart....as badly as you are now.

[BiancaRura]

He has only cheated on 2 of his past g/f's. I know this might sound like I'm defending him but I'm just trying to say the whole story.

This girl of his is PSYCHO. She keeps sending him messages on his cell and last night she kept driving by. He tells her all the time that he doesn't want her there or anything by she keeps stopping by. When they were together, she NEVER let him go out with his friends. She got pissed at him for going to the Nelly concert.

I know that by what I have written, you guys think he's like one of the biggest players or whatever.

I told his sister that I was going to tell him I cant do this.

 

You say that his family will defend him but him and his sister aren't really that close and she has no reason to defend him. She has told me that if a woman is good to him he will be good to her but once you f*ck him over then he can be an @$$ to her.

 

I don't know, I guess Ill have to have some ME time and think about what I want and need to do with everything going on here.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[Ally Boo]

Originally posted by BiancaRura

She has told me that if a woman is good to him he will be good to her but once you f*ck him over then he can be an @$$ to her.

 

That doesn't make him sound much better...if someone does that to you, GET AWAY FROM THEM, instead of trying to "pay them back."