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He lied to me


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

 
 
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Old 25th October 2008, 9:36 AM   #1
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He lied to me

Many of you know about the issues I have with my S/O. He has a drinking problem. He goes for weeks sometimes, without taking a single drink - then he will break down and stay out all night, drinking until he passes out. He'd been pretty good about things - hasn't had a breakdown in a few months.

Anyway, the reason my post is in this section is because things went down a little differently than they previously have. First off, he lied to me outright. He left the house with no real purpose. I didn't call him until I had the baby put to sleep, a little after 10pm. I asked where he was, he said a friend's house that I know drinks very heavily (he has since I've known him when we were in college together), so I asked my S/O outright if he was drinking and he just lied to me and said no. The thing is, in the past, he has always been honest about it, even when it pissed me off. It was the least he could do, I thought.

So he didn't get home until around 5am, which is par for the course when he goes out drinking. He usually passes out around 3am, wakes up at 5 and drives home.

This time, he came inside and laid on the couch in the living room. The only reason I woke up was because he had trouble with the lock in the front door. Normally he at least tries to get into bed with me, but I do banish him to the couch each and every time he tries to get into bed, so I assumed he was just skipping some usual steps.

Then, the weird part, is that he got up from the couch 3 hours later and took a bath. He usually just passes out and sleeps all day, I cannot recall him ever taking a shower or bath when he got home from drinking.

The baby was up by the time he was out of the bath. Usually when the baby wakes up we spend time in my bed together, "talking" to each other. My S/O came into the room and wanted to see the baby. I was angry, of course.

Out of nowhere he mentions that his phone accidentally called a friend of mine, let's call her Tori, at 4am. He has historically hated Tori, in the past. Once he even went to bed at 7:30pm to avoid seeing her because she was coming over to hang out with me. I don't know why he hates Tori, but he always has, and as a result I haven't hung out with her in many weeks. Probably since the baby was a few weeks old (he's 3 months old now).

First he said that he just looked down and his phone was calling Tori for some reason. That seems odd, her name isn't in any way positioned in his contact list so you could just accidentally press a button and call her. Then, his story changed and he said he was calling me, and accidentally called her. Then, the story changed again - he was trying to call me, chickened out, tried to call another friend of ours that we appropriately call "Gay Ted" (because he is a flamingly gay little asian man), and then accidentally called Tori - which would make sense, since their names are next to each other on the contact list - but why didn't he say that in the first place?

I think he's full of sh*t. My S/O, I mean.

I don't know. Do you think that his story sounds insanely stupid? I do.
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Old 25th October 2008, 9:42 AM   #2
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Covering his arse about Tori and the coming home and having a bath thing is very suss. Could be reading too much into it but seems like something is up...
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Old 25th October 2008, 9:54 AM   #3
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He hasn't ever been unfaithful or even given any indication that he had the capacity to do so, in the past...but I do agree his actions are very suspect. He denies that anything happened, but I have been cheated on in the past and I have also cheated in the past, and I know the classic script is "deny, deny, deny..."

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Old 25th October 2008, 10:11 AM   #4
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The baby is gorgeous. Kiss him for me.

I don't know Otter, sounds like a drunk move to me. Today you're probably going to hear from Tori asking why the phone call at 4am.

If you don't then maybe call her to apologize for it and see how she reacts.

Or you could also try to jump his bones when the baby's napping and see if he has the energy to do you. Sniff his undies? Someone here did that before.

I don't know....
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Old 25th October 2008, 11:45 AM   #5
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Your SO is what's known as a 'binge drinker.' He's an alcoholic who chooses not to drink every day. But he's still an alcoholic. Being very honest, his is not the most desirable gene pool from which to breed. You've tied yourself to a lifetime of this behavior unless he actually hits bottom and decides to clean himself up. Good luck to you with that. I don't envy your position. Been there, done that, and ran screaming into the night, never looking back.

Of course his story is bullsh*t. When something simply doesn't make sense, it's not the truth. The fact that he had to come up with 3 or 4 lame, nonsensical stories before coming up with one that might actually be plausible, speaks volumes.

I know this is high school silliness, but when I was 16 and exclusively dating my 19 year old boyfriend, he despised my friend Sandy. DESPISED her. Yet, when I spent that summer visiting relatives in another state, she told me that he'd given her a ride in his car (which amazed me enough to begin with) and that he took her to 'our' spot where we used to have some privacy - and tried to get her to have sex with him.

Yup, he tried to hit on the very friend of mine he so despised.

Who knows what was going on in your SO's alcohol-laden brain at 4:00 AM? What SHOULD have been going through his mind is that he's a supposed ADULT whose recently brought a child into the world and he can't be acting like an irresponsible jackass drinking like a stupid teenager and passing out on some loser's couch.
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Old 25th October 2008, 12:01 PM   #6
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Sorry BO !

Well here's one little persons opinion.

I know you have chosen a path of complete sobriety and good for you ! I don't know though, if it's fair to choose that for someone else.

It seems your SO is pretty "under control", if he leaves the house, drinks away from you and the baby, and doesn't drive drunk, once every 3 months or so. I know many people who would be thrilled with that 'deal".

as for the calling though, that smells like BS to me. I have been around a lot of liars, and i can not think of one good, honest reason to change your story four friggen times !

good luck, sweetie !
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Old 25th October 2008, 12:04 PM   #7
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Could he have thrown up on himself and realized he needed to bathe?

I'm sorry about the lying thing. That sounds pretty damning, but sometimes when people lie they have to keep coming up with something along the lines of more lies because they know the last thing they said didn't sound plausible and they know it.

I'm not sure what to make of the 'he hates Tori' thing. It sounds suspicious, and to be honest, I've pulled that 'I hate so-and-so' ruse before.

Explore all possibilities though. Maybe he did accidentally call her, and knowing that you had been cheated on before tried to come up with something thinking you would call bullsh*t on the 'accidental' part.

At any rate, your baby is so adorable!! Gives me a bit of baby fever myself.
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Old 25th October 2008, 2:58 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amaysngrace View Post
If you don't then maybe call her to apologize for it and see how she reacts.

Or you could also try to jump his bones when the baby's napping and see if he has the energy to do you. Sniff his undies? Someone here did that before.

I don't know....
Well I know she works today, so I will probably try calling her later and see what her reaction is. Someone tried to call me at 9am, which is right before she goes to work, but they hung up....I don't have caller ID.

The baby is napping now. Unfortunately, so is S/O. He was up all morning throwing up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleS1983 View Post
Yup, he tried to hit on the very friend of mine he so despised.

Who knows what was going on in your SO's alcohol-laden brain at 4:00 AM? What SHOULD have been going through his mind is that he's a supposed ADULT whose recently brought a child into the world and he can't be acting like an irresponsible jackass drinking like a stupid teenager and passing out on some loser's couch.
This is what concerns me. I have always pressed him to explain why he hates Tori so much, and he has never been able to explain it to my satisfaction. It seems to me like one cannot have strong feelings for someone unless they elicit a strong reaction in you. I dislike plenty of his friends, but the most emotion they elicit in me is a mild distaste or repulsion, no passionate anger.

As for the second paragraph - well, I had those exact thoughts myself, peppered with more expletives.

Quote:
Originally Posted by melodymatters View Post
It seems your SO is pretty "under control", if he leaves the house, drinks away from you and the baby, and doesn't drive drunk, once every 3 months or so. I know many people who would be thrilled with that 'deal".

as for the calling though, that smells like BS to me. I have been around a lot of liars, and i can not think of one good, honest reason to change your story four friggen times !

good luck, sweetie !
Thanks, mel. I've struggled with this concept myself - he only does this occasionally. I should just deal with it. The thing that really burns me is the lying, though. Maybe I'm just lying to myself, but I think I would be able to accept it more if he were open and honest about it: "I'm going out to get drunk tonight, don't expect me home." vs. "I'm going to my brother's house, I'll be home in 2-3 hours." (followed by a phone call in 4 hours, an argument, and then him turning his phone off).

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucreziaBorgia View Post
Could he have thrown up on himself and realized he needed to bathe?

I'm sorry about the lying thing. That sounds pretty damning, but sometimes when people lie they have to keep coming up with something along the lines of more lies because they know the last thing they said didn't sound plausible and they know it.

I'm not sure what to make of the 'he hates Tori' thing. It sounds suspicious, and to be honest, I've pulled that 'I hate so-and-so' ruse before.

Explore all possibilities though. Maybe he did accidentally call her, and knowing that you had been cheated on before tried to come up with something thinking you would call bullsh*t on the 'accidental' part.

At any rate, your baby is so adorable!! Gives me a bit of baby fever myself.
There's no evidence of vomit anywhere in the house. I would smell it, I'm sure. My nose is super sensitive. He said that he didn't feel well and wanted to take a bath to feel better. It's a possibility, I do that all the time, but it's uncharacteristic of him.

I've pulled the "I hate so and so" ruse before, myself.

I'm not going to do anything hasty, but I have some proof that the story he told me is not true - I checked his cellphone, and he actually called the friend that he was supposedly hanging out with at 1:45am, but he claims that he was at this guy's house all night.

I'm just going to give S/O another opportunity to tell the truth when he wakes up. I'm also going to call Tori. We'll see what happens.

Thanks for the input guys, I just don't trust my own instincts anymore. My instincts have led me into trouble before.
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Old 25th October 2008, 4:34 PM   #9
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Judging solely off the information you've provided, I'd have to say something's up. This type of rationalization, coupled with the obvious inconsistencies, is usually indicative of foul play. Occam's Razor tends to be absurdly accurate when it comes to this sort of thing, especially when there are multiple points that have a high-correlation cross-supporting unifying explanation.

-Taking a bath out of nowhere? Probably "washing off any scent/evidence."
-Mentioning Tori out of the blue? Perhaps to preemptively explain any potential contact made by Tori in the future with some weak pseudo-plausible explanation.
-However, the fact that a seemingly innocuous story had to be re-fabricated a few times to be fully plausible is a huge, huge red flag. This sort of thing, in my opinion, is a dead giveaway. I've seen this type of re-rationalization too many times when someone is trying to cover their ass.
-The phone call inconsistency is also a clear giveaway that he was not being entirely forthcoming. I'm not sure why he'd call in the first place, other than to perhaps tell him to feed you a bull story if you happen to call the friend asking about your SO's whereabouts. Or, it is possible that he was at the house, left, and called later, etc. There are many explanations, but I think it's clear that he spent a significant amount of time NOT at the friend's house at some given point.

In general, all of these things, in conjunction, lean more heavily towards your SO lying to you, as opposed to otherwise. I'm having a hard time coming up with an honest, plausible explanation that would better explain all these points.

Last edited by Vertex; 25th October 2008 at 4:36 PM..
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Old 25th October 2008, 4:47 PM   #10
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I'm so sorry BO! sounds like a complicated mess. Stay grounded - no matter what happens you know you'll pull through.
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Old 25th October 2008, 4:56 PM   #11
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I have an idea-why not call the friend whose house he was supposedly at, to confirm his story? You don't have to explain the real reason you're calling but you could say, "I think >your SO's name< may have left >some object< at your house last night."

Then if he goes ">SO< wasn't AT my house last night."

BUSTED

It's possible he stepped out to buy beer or something, then called his friend to see what kind of beer the guy wanted....you never know.

As for the Tori thing, yeah that smells like hooey to me, too. Not sure what's up with that. Call her and see what she says.
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Old 26th October 2008, 1:49 PM   #12
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Sorry for what you're going through, BO.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sandrawg View Post
I have an idea-why not call the friend whose house he was supposedly at, to confirm his story?
My thoughts kinda went in the same direction -- maybe he was NOT lying about not drinking, but WAS lying about being at his friend's.

I like the idea of calling Tori to say sorry for drunken Hubby waking her up at 4AM...and see the response/reaction you get back.

(((hugs))). No matter what is the real truth of it, it still sucks.
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Old 26th October 2008, 2:07 PM   #13
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So what if he did something? Something even wore than leaving you alone while you were pregnant and now alone with his child to get trashed? He thinks there are no consequences so he just feeds you poorly constructed bs stories.

I think you developed a horrible pattern with him a long time ago. He does whatever he wants, treats you however he wants then he comes home, deals with you being angry for a couple hours, then things are back to normal.

You have a child with this man and you can't even get a straight answer out of him. You can't trust him. I don't know, this situation has always made me so sad. I just can't comprehend it. Your poor son is going to grow up seeing this. I wish you wouldn't allow this pattern to continue. But now it has become the norm for him, and it's escalating.
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Old 26th October 2008, 2:18 PM   #14
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Have you called Tori yet?

If not then just call her and talk normally and do not mention your SO - If she does not mention it then it is very suspect as she would ask you why he called as she would be concerned it was about you that he was calling

I think you need to not make any excuses for him and realise that your son cannot witness this - It is not normal behaviour to have to go out and not come home because you are blind drunk, not normal and not healthy - And he is a liar to boot!

I think it is all a big mess and I am sending you a big {{{{HUG}}}}}
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Old 26th October 2008, 2:40 PM   #15
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my advice BO -

stay out of it! and get yourself pronto to an al anon meeting. he's making choices that aren't good and you really don't need the consequences of his bad choices and all the wondering (questions, things not making sense) that goes along with this. you will make yourself crazy if you continue this way.
  • don't ask him about last night (what? to hear more lies? to catch him?)
  • don't call Tori or anyone else - it will only make you look desperate and have to justify his bad behavior.
  • don't expect him to give you answers or give you the peace of mind you know is impossible right now... he's still drinking - remember?
  • it's the disease speaking...

YOU do have choices honey! (((((BO))))) BIG hugs!!!
  • al anon mtg - yep, get a sponsor there too!
  • set your boundaries - stick to them (this may include not having him around for a while until his evidence proves that he deserves it).
  • ((((BO))))
  • take care of self first.
  • stay out of his business! his problem - not yours!
  • keep your side of the street clean.

god BO - my heart goes out to you - this will be hard - but you know what you need to do. love you honey... you deserve the best BO... you have done so much hard work to be in a great place. you have been given the gift of a child. now it is time to focus on your best interest as well as your son's future.

be safe and happy. keep posting. xo
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