Boyfriends Ex Keeps Calling-why can't he just ignore her?

[AJewel]

So I'm new to this site and was hoping to get some advise on my current relationship. So here goes - I have been with my boyfriend for 2+ years and its been a very difficult relationship. He had prior to me dated a bestfriend of mine and then we ended up together. I had lost contact with my bestfriend so it was not an issue for us to get together. However I do know about the relationship they have had. While he was dating her his girlfriend befor her was calling and sending text messages and all that stuff randomly and late at night and whatever. Well this same girl is continuing to do this now that him and I are together. She lives in another state and I know that he has exchanged emails with her earlier this year because he has shown me them. Now she is starting to call again and he dont answer or reply to a message while Im there but he has finally admitted to me that he has had two conversations with her just recently after telling me that he would not call her back. My issue is if you are dating someone and claiming to want a future with them and an EX is calling you why would you feel the need to talk to them? I have had an ex-boyfriend of mine contact me recently and I told him to leave me alone and I want nothing to do with him. I just dont understand why he wouldnt feel the same about his ex. I know that not all relationships end bad and there is people that are friends with an ex but its just not something I feel in necessary in this situation. We are fairly young (in out mid 20's) and he dated this girl in high school. He had a bad relationship with her and I dont know the details of it all but has apparently attempted to kill himself at one point because of this girl. Why would you want to be friends and be in contact with someone that made you go to such a dark place in your life. So now that she is calling again I just can't take it. I dont trust people easily and I cant take the constant wonder. I have tried to make sense of his needing to stay in contact with her and he just says that she kinda makes him feel good about things in his life when he tells her what's been going on and his goals and this and that. I support him in everything he does and try to do anything I can to help him but I guess that's just not what he's looking for in me. Im not sure. If I am to him what he claims I am and he loves me how he says and wants the future together that he claims then why wouldnt he cut all ties with her for me? What is so important that they keep in contact and he just can resist not replying to any of her attempts?

If anyone has any advise or anything it would be greatly appreciated.

[Geishawhelk]

...... and he just says that she kinda makes him feel good about things in his life when he tells her what's been going on and his goals and this and that. I support him in everything he does and try to do anything I can to help him but I guess that's just not what he's looking for in me.

 

There's a huge, big red flag, right there.

 

in spending his life with you, it should mean that he finds everything he needs, in that way, in you. Not an ex-ex girlfriend.

 

I'm afraid I'd issue the ultimatum.

And be absolutely up-front with him.

His being in touch with her undermines your role as his girlfirend, and you find it demeaning, demoralising and insulting. It threatens how you feel about him, and makes you feel inadequate.

If that's how he intends you to feel, then he can go.

If he's sincere that it means absolutely nothing - then he can quit contact here and now.

 

Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

[AngelinaS]

I totally understand how you feel.

 

But may be he just doesnt want to hurt her feelings. This I feel can happen in 2 situations...Either he is totally over her...where he might just be feeling that he is another human being (no different to a guy friend) or he still have feelings for her...even if he does not if the conversation continues, these feelings may pop up again.

 

Probably you need to talk to him once on this.

[AJewel]

I totally agree with the both of you. There is a big possibility he does still have feelings for her or that they will develope eventually if this continues. Also that is exactly how he is making me feel by staying in contact with her. We have talked about it this last time but I just kinda shut him out and am trying to figure out for myself what I truly need to do. I am young and dont need to waste anymore of my life in pointless relationships that go now where. Thanks so much both of you!

[Angel1111]

I dated a guy once for about 9 mos and then we broke up. During the time we were broken up, he started dating someone else for about 2 mos. Then they broke up because he wanted to be with me again. But when we got back together, she kept calling him and bugging him. They worked together, too, and she was known to be the office slut. I didn't believe that he had any feelings for her because when he first started working at that company, he could've dated her and didn't. But I really lost respect for him because he kept getting sucked into her drama and games.

 

My favorite trick she played on him was when she told him that she was pregnant - although her tubes were tied. She told him that if she was pregnant, she could die because a tubal pregnancy is very dangerous. He nearly freaked out. After I listened to this crap, I asked him if he knew the dr's name that made this incredible diagnosis. Funny how it all died down after that.

 

But this stuff went on for several months. Things were going bad between us and I could tell that us getting back together was a bad idea. But in the meantime, his father died and bf flew out of town to be with his family. While I was talking to him on the phone during that time, he mentioned that this idiot girl had sent flowers to the funeral. At first I didn't think anything of it, then I asked him how on earth she even knew where to send the flowers. Well, it turned out that he told her. And I couldn't believe he was even talking to this drama queen. It was pretty much over for me at that point because I really lost respect for him. First of all, if he still had feelings for this girl, I thought that was pretty pathetic and she could have him. Secondly, if he didn't have feelings for her, then he was pretty spineless if he didn't know how to get rid of her. Either way, it didn't make him look good at all.

 

I think it's kind of the same with your bf. This isn't about discussing it with him and expecting honest answers from someone who has obviously been dishonest with you. That's just pointless to expect him to be frank and honest. Right. Just make your decision as to whether you want to deal with this nonsense for the next several years, or walk away. Personally, I think he likes dating other women because it makes this past gf jealous. It's kind of like a sick little dance they do together. Which would be fine if they'd leave other people out of it.