Jealousy, the only thing we fight about

[ElTigreBlanco]

First post, I'm hoping you all can help me because jealousy is killing me. I know jealousy is usually the product of personal insecurities and I agree it plagues us because we are both insecure when it comes to each other.

 

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year but have been close friends for 3 years. The result of that is that I know her entire romantic and sexual history and she knows the entirety of mine. Over a year, we've fallen deeply in love, shes perfect for me and coming out of the hardest years of my life she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

 

We see eye to eye on everything that is really important including on the fact that our respective jealousy is irrational, immature, and the only real obstacle to us being completely happy with each other. The jealousy that we have is mostly over past events, certain things that she did in the past kill me, but really only one of her sexual experiences is anything that even borders on what might be considered deviant. I have a similar if not even more deviant sexual past and she is similarly affected.

 

For a while we both tried to ignore our jealousy over the other ones past but occasionally it would come up and a fight would insue. After an hour or so of fighting we'd end up making up and agreeing that the past was the past and that was it. Recently I have been completely fixated on her past and I can't seem to let it go. Its pretty much making me miserable.

 

Even if it goes back to where it just occasional fighting it would still be nice if we could get past our jealousy. I know its immature, based on insecurities, and something I shouldn't fixate on, but is there anything that will help me get over it and likely help her get over it as well?

[AAlike]

First post, I'm hoping you all can help me because jealousy is killing me. I know jealousy is usually the product of personal insecurities and I agree it plagues us because we are both insecure when it comes to each other.

 

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year but have been close friends for 3 years. The result of that is that I know her entire romantic and sexual history and she knows the entirety of mine. Over a year, we've fallen deeply in love, shes perfect for me and coming out of the hardest years of my life she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

 

We see eye to eye on everything that is really important including on the fact that our respective jealousy is irrational, immature, and the only real obstacle to us being completely happy with each other. The jealousy that we have is mostly over past events, certain things that she did in the past kill me, but really only one of her sexual experiences is anything that even borders on what might be considered deviant. I have a similar if not even more deviant sexual past and she is similarly affected.

 

For a while we both tried to ignore our jealousy over the other ones past but occasionally it would come up and a fight would insue. After an hour or so of fighting we'd end up making up and agreeing that the past was the past and that was it. Recently I have been completely fixated on her past and I can't seem to let it go. Its pretty much making me miserable.

 

Even if it goes back to where it just occasional fighting it would still be nice if we could get past our jealousy. I know its immature, based on insecurities, and something I shouldn't fixate on, but is there anything that will help me get over it and likely help her get over it as well?

 

Hey man, I have been where you are, almost to a tee, where I was fixating on one act of "deviance" so to speak, and I know how much it sucks. Keep in mind that you wouldn't have such irrational feelings if you weren't really nuts about her. I know how frustrating it is, because you know that you're being ridiculous and pointlessly jeopardizing a good thing, but it's hard to stop because you're hitting untapped emotions.

 

Unfortunately, the only thing that will help you get over it is time and maturity - and it seems like you know this already. When we're young and single we sensationalize sex, we have a big time love/hate relationship with sex as a concept...like it's the best thing ever when we engage in it, but it's this shameful thing when others do it.

 

As you mature both age wise and emotionally, your view of sex starts to normalize...not that it becomes less pleasurable, but that it becomes less "extreme" in your mind, you stop caring about "who f*cked who". If there was some sort of moral incompatibility issue, that might not happen, but from the tone of your post, there doesn't seem to be. You wanna just think "I have my past, she has hers, who cares" and eventually you'll get there, but like I said, it takes a while. More than a year even in many cases. One key that might speed the process is when you find yourself focusing on her past, instead try and focus on your own, and how insignificant it is...hopefully this will make you realize that she's probably thinking the same thing about her past, and the only thing that's making it linger is you.

 

good luck.

[Geishawhelk]

Jealousy is a CONTROL issue. You need counselling.

[onlyicansee]

Jealousy is a CONTROL issue. You need counselling.

 

How ridiculous is that post... Jealousy IS NOT a control issue! Did you ever, maybe even once, stop and realize that not everyone who is dealing with this issue is out to control their so? I mean, its obvious from the post that the op is not trying to control his gf, or make her into something she is not. Its completely ludicrous that you would even lash out with a statement like that.

[Geishawhelk]

Having done many years of counselling, I'm sorry, but Jealousy definitely IS a control issue. I didn't say it was THE control issue. there are other issues which are more 'controlling'.....

Let me try to illustrate, because I don't wish to commence an argument here.....

 

If you ('you' generic, not 'you' specific) are jealous of something, whether it is now, or in the past, the fact of the matter is, that it's something you would change if you could, or you do wish hadn't happened. What you'd like to do is either to erase that memory, or prevent that person from doing what you're jealous of, because it undervalues your role in their eyes. You hope that your emotional anger will be sufficient to convince them what they did was wrong, or to stop what they are doing. You don't want them to do it. It angers you, and you feel invalidated. you want to be more important than what they did, or what they are doing.

In other words, it's a me-first emotion. Which is a form of control.

[onlyicansee]

Hm let me take another spin on this:

 

Jealousy is a potent combination of both fear and anger — fear that the things we love will be taken away and anger that we might be powerless to stop it.

[AAlike]

Hm let me take another spin on this:

 

Jealousy is a potent combination of both fear and anger — fear that the things we love will be taken away and anger that we might be powerless to stop it.

 

in some cases, maybe. but I think that this type of jealously is also often squarely a manifestation of pride and ego.

[Geishawhelk]

Hm let me take another spin on this:

 

Jealousy is a potent combination of both fear and anger — fear that the things we love will be taken away and anger that we might be powerless to stop it.

Yes. And fear is a manifestation of how we feel when we can't control something. Anger is the emotion we use to prevent the loss. We instill fear into the other person.

 

I'm sorry, it's complicated.

It's a desire to be right, to be validated and to be put first.

 

There are other far more obvious forms of control, such as belittling and bullying... these are to all intents and purposes, self-evident.

Jealousy is very complex.

I'm not trying to sound patronising (though I seem to be succeeding admirably!) I'm just trying to explain the convoluted issues.....

[ElTigreBlanco]

Thanks all. I really do appreciate the responses. The thing is that maybe is not clear, is that I'm not angry with her in any way. There is nothing in her past irreconcilable morally, and really in terms of the things we've done we are very close to equal. Amazingly, there is no way I would have dated her if she was a virgin and had no past because I've been there and its always ended in some sort of crazy screwed up way. There is nothing about this that is her problem, its all in my head. I just want to try and move past.

 

Strangely its a problem that we both have. She is just as jealous and upset by my past as I am by hers, probably a little bit more actually. It seems ridiculous to me that both of us have pasts that upset the other in some way, both of us know that this is totally irrational and unfair to the other person, and yet these issues still come up.

 

I've never loved anyone the way I love her, and I'm confident that this stuff will go away eventually but I'd like to expedite the process as much as possible.

[AAlike]

Thanks all. I really do appreciate the responses. The thing is that maybe is not clear, is that I'm not angry with her in any way. There is nothing in her past irreconcilable morally, and really in terms of the things we've done we are very close to equal. Amazingly, there is no way I would have dated her if she was a virgin and had no past because I've been there and its always ended in some sort of crazy screwed up way. There is nothing about this that is her problem, its all in my head. I just want to try and move past.

 

Strangely its a problem that we both have. She is just as jealous and upset by my past as I am by hers, probably a little bit more actually. It seems ridiculous to me that both of us have pasts that upset the other in some way, both of us know that this is totally irrational and unfair to the other person, and yet these issues still come up.

 

I've never loved anyone the way I love her, and I'm confident that this stuff will go away eventually but I'd like to expedite the process as much as possible.

 

they're never going to just go away - you're in love for the first time my man...now you see why all those people in the movies go crazy. i didn't think that it was possible for me until it happened.

 

as stupid as it sounds, there is some part of you that is seeing this "sugar and spice/future mother of my children/little angel" vision of her, and she's got an equally ridiculous "knight in shining armor" ideal of you. and god forbid that either of those ideals ever wanted to just get laid! she's in a category where no woman has ever been before in your head, and knowing that she's had some less-than-stellar or not-so-thought-out liasons "normalizes" her, and subconsciously that bothers you. same on her end.

 

provided you know that it's not a moral issue, and that you're not really actively questioning her character, which you seem to know, then it will go away as you get a grasp of your feelings and you'll be able to see the girl who did a few insignificant things and the perfect girl for you as one and the same...unfortunately, you're never just going to wake up one day and think "I'm over it." like other emotional things, it just takes time.

 

the best thing that you can do is just try your best to focus on the positive and change the subject if you start to fight over nothing.

 

good luck, and if things are perfect other than this, it sounds like you have a good relationship ahead of you.

[MarieD]

I have a very insecure, jealous boyfriend for the passed 6 months.

His insecurities are the ONLY thing that we constantly fought about.

He always thought i was up to no good & would ask 1001 questions

about guys when I went out with my friends. It was so bad that

I ended things with him 3 weeks ago.

 

I let 2 weeks pass & took a break from him & then he promised that

he will change. Well we got back 5 days ago & 3 days into it,

there he was asking about all the guys that i have on myspace page

& my relationship with them. Aughhhhhhhhhh.. He WILL lose me again

if i go through that again!!

 

Insecurity is not pretty, esp. when he's 35 & should be over it a long

time ago. I will not live my life with all his DRAMA! Its not fun!