Jump to content

I think I'm the Village Idiot !


Recommended Posts

Okay guys and dolls, I really have come to the conclusion that I'm all talk and no action. I'm okay at giving advice here, telling people NOT to put up with sh*t but I'm obviously a huge hypocrite and I simply can't practice what I preach. What the hell is wrong with me?

 

I've still been seeing the same guy I was a few weeks ago. Things got weird yesterday, I had concrete proof that he might be 'cheating' (or at least, lying to me).....I thought about it overnight, then brought it up. It all got ugly. I ended up leaving his house and telling him it was over.

 

So many warning flags here. He's making me feel so horrible and that in order to be with him (to be allowed that privilege) I have to change almost every aspect of myself and personality.

 

I just can't let go. What the hell is wrong with me? Yesterday and this morning I was satisfied that I'd made the right choice, in ending things..but by this evening, as per usual, I felt this overwhelming wave of guilt...and I missed him.....so I phoned him and we talked for over 2 hours about everything. He's so NOT on my wavelength. Frankly, I'm not even sure he's in the same galaxy as me. I'm not exaggerating when I say he's the most selfish guy I've met to date.

 

He's admitted that he's been having second thoughts about whether to pursue our relationship because he's looking forward to the summer (July) and knows that I'll be going through a difficult/stressful time then (work/school changes).....on one hand he made it sound like (after he realized how shocked I was to hear him say that) he anticipated how tough things would be then, and that it wouldn't be something he could help me through.....but I think the truth is that he wants a perfect relationship..one with no stress, no difficulties and both people just sail merrily along and all is hunky dory.

 

If this is not a huge freaking red flag then I don't know what is. On one hand he told me yesterday that he doesn't know if we'll be together in a month, a year...but now he's looking 6 months ahead and thinking things might be too stressful for him.

 

What the hell is wrong with me?

 

I could list some of the incidents that came up over the past couple of days......huge red flags, but what is the point. I'm all typed out and I already know that he wants to be in total control here, doesn't really care about me.

 

Why can't I stand up for myself and STICK TO MY DECISIONS TO NOT ALLOW SOMEONE TO SH*T ALL OVER ME?

 

I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I don't even deserve the privilege of offering advice here because I obviously don't know jack **** !

 

I'm a very independent person. I don't "need" a man in my life. I'm intelligent (hmm?), attractive, I have a fair bit going for me, I have some good qualities (though I'm not perfect). Why is it that I get so attached to someone, find out he's so wrong for me, I try to be tough and tell him to take a hike but I can't stick to it?

 

Is it the fact that I subconsciously feel like a failure because things didn't work (even though the reasons I wanted to end things is because he's not good to me/for me)....is it that I just have a hard time 'letting go' of someone? I don't think I'm 'codependent'........it's not that I think that life won't go on without him. I am just such a wimp and I don't know how to toughen up.

 

I've come a long way over the years, as far as putting up with crap but obviously not far enough. I'm disappointed with myself because I'm realizing this...I thought I was so much stronger, I'm a wimp.

 

How can you want to be with someone who wants to totally control every aspect of the relationship? How can you want to be with someone who has no ability or desire to try and see things from your perspective? How can you be with someone who is only concerned with having THEIR needs met?

 

What is wrong with me?

 

L

Link to post
Share on other sites

hi laurynn,

 

firstly, he sounds like he has the major problem. he is running hot and cold like a tap. he is. he's just gone and proved himself as someone you didn't think he was. you've spent nearly all the time you've knowing perceiving him one way (rightly so, because he his actions led you to believe you were on a good wicket), only to find out that he is a bit of a froot-loop who's brain has started to malfunction.

 

unfortunately, no one can make predictions about the way a relationship is going to go. unfortunately our own advice can sometimes be the hardest to take. we know we are so right, but we don't want to be right. that would mean we've let ourselves down, right? well, we also let ourselves down when we don't take our own advice and act on our gut instincts.

 

people are full of surprises, but look (objectively) at what you have so far, and i know you know it isn't encouraging.

 

the way it looks to an outsider, this man is not a customer for love and commitment.

 

would i be out of line if i was to say that you have a sensitive heart, a sense of self esteem that's sometimes easily bruised, and a strong need for safety? of course, i do believe that describes most of us.

 

maybe you should take things slowly and be prepared to wait for a chance to entrust your most tender feelings to someone who will treat them with due respect. i know it can be so hard to tell if you can trust a person, but by all accounts, this relationship became rather "full-on" (emotionally) fairly early in the piece. i think it's only fair to say that when relationships happen quite fast in the beginning it is so easy to lose sight of the bigger picture and to become emotionally enveloped in our own 'ideals' of love and relationships. i'm sure many of us have been guilty of this. it's such a huge let down and we don't want to let go because that would mean our ego's officially been hurt. pride can be such a hard thing to swallow. i've always said that i should be the dumper, not the dumpee. sometimes our pride hurts because we know we have so much to offer but (without sounding conceited, and i know i will), we can't understand what it was they didn't like about us. it's not always a case of what they didn't like about us. they just are not good contenders for a round of 'perfect match'.

 

i wouldn't be at all surprised the main problem now is that he's shown he's not who you thought he was, you don't have the "good thing" you thought you had going and your ego is finding it hard to actually let go of what you really wanted, but ultimately didn't get, which by the way sounds like a godsend (his comments make me shake my head in bewilderment).

 

also beware of wishful thinking; of telling yourself that what you want must be what he wants, too.

 

btw...your advice is definitely worth taking. you are very insightful and it's easier to be objective and rational about someone else's situation. don't beat yourself up over this. he's a dud and we've all had some of those before. the only thing you're guilty of is being dirty on yourself when we should allow ourselves to make room for mistakes or misjudgments.

 

best wishes :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Laurynn,

 

No, I don't think so. I don't think you qualify for idiot status. I think you encountered someone who has mastered the introduction, who knows how to present an attractive facade that any intelligent, rational person would find appealing. Seeming sincere, self-aware, responsible & generous. All very good qualities. And to some extent he actually does possess them, right? It's just not consistent. And at first it can throw you off the scent of the less desirable things he exudes (like self-aborption, superficiality, you know better than I).

 

It took you several weeks to see through that. Maybe -- I don't know but maybe -- there were a couple of vague warning signs you could have picked up on. Like the fact that he came on so strong so quickly. He'd made up his mind about you (or seemed to) pretty fast, hadn't he? A lot of intense togther time. Gives you less time to step back and take real perspective, and gets you sucked into the whirlpool of emotion and hope. I doubt that's deliberate on his part (the effect on you I mean), it's probably just how he deals with relationships: throw himself in, thrash around for a while, jump out before he ever learns how to swim.

 

I don't really see how you could have been expected to know that this guy is actually a grade-A flake. Which he definitely seems to be. You've been questioning the process all along and although you're already emotionally engaged (and therefore hurting) you didn't get too enmeshed in this. I think you did very well all things considered. It takes some of us much much longer to get out of the clutches of a monster of indecision & selfishness. Took me four years!

 

The problem I've found with monsters of indecision & selfishness is that they rarely understand themselves that that is what they are, they lack self-awareness, and they need to believe that they are good and that their actions are perfectly rational. Your guy is always going to present his position as if it were the only reasonable way to see things, he will have no problem saying one thing and doing another, for "feeling" things (do such monsters feel the emotions they profess?) but not allowing such feelings to guide their actions.

 

I'll bet you are a strong intelligent & independent person. What has tripped you up is not an aggressor but a passive agressor -- and perhaps you weren't on the lookout for that. I'm sorry to hear it. But you'll get away quickly enough I'll bet, now that you see him for what he actually is. In truth he's pretty pathetic and laughable. What an idiot -- him I mean, not you!

Link to post
Share on other sites

First of all, to all fo you, especially those at this post, thanks for all fo your insightful advice. Laurynn, you know as well as I do, that it so much easier said than done to let go, your situation and mine are almost parallel!!!!!! My ex just emailed me again LAST WEEK telling me he loved me and it set back 2 full weeks of progress I made in trying to recover! Its painful, you want so much to believe that this person wants to be with you. Midori, your post over the weekend summed it up perfectly. We catch ourselves up in the fantasy to the point we forget what is reality, that is why we come here, we need the advice of people who arent PERSONALLY involved.

 

Honey, if your the village idiot, well then, the king has me set up to be the castle idiot, because god knows I have done the same thing. The only thing I can tell you is what everyone here tells me, separate yourself from the situation...dont accept calls or emails....the problem with me is I just found out Im pregnant........my macabre nightmare never seems to end.........imagine that.

 

Dont beat yourself up Laurynn, and keep giving advice, I know it helps me............

 

Big Kisses

 

Raven

Dear Laurynn, No, I don't think so. I don't think you qualify for idiot status. I think you encountered someone who has mastered the introduction, who knows how to present an attractive facade that any intelligent, rational person would find appealing. Seeming sincere, self-aware, responsible & generous. All very good qualities. And to some extent he actually does possess them, right? It's just not consistent. And at first it can throw you off the scent of the less desirable things he exudes (like self-aborption, superficiality, you know better than I). It took you several weeks to see through that. Maybe -- I don't know but maybe -- there were a couple of vague warning signs you could have picked up on. Like the fact that he came on so strong so quickly. He'd made up his mind about you (or seemed to) pretty fast, hadn't he? A lot of intense togther time. Gives you less time to step back and take real perspective, and gets you sucked into the whirlpool of emotion and hope. I doubt that's deliberate on his part (the effect on you I mean), it's probably just how he deals with relationships: throw himself in, thrash around for a while, jump out before he ever learns how to swim. I don't really see how you could have been expected to know that this guy is actually a grade-A flake. Which he definitely seems to be. You've been questioning the process all along and although you're already emotionally engaged (and therefore hurting) you didn't get too enmeshed in this. I think you did very well all things considered. It takes some of us much much longer to get out of the clutches of a monster of indecision & selfishness. Took me four years! The problem I've found with monsters of indecision & selfishness is that they rarely understand themselves that that is what they are, they lack self-awareness, and they need to believe that they are good and that their actions are perfectly rational. Your guy is always going to present his position as if it were the only reasonable way to see things, he will have no problem saying one thing and doing another, for "feeling" things (do such monsters feel the emotions they profess?) but not allowing such feelings to guide their actions. I'll bet you are a strong intelligent & independent person. What has tripped you up is not an aggressor but a passive agressor -- and perhaps you weren't on the lookout for that. I'm sorry to hear it. But you'll get away quickly enough I'll bet, now that you see him for what he actually is. In truth he's pretty pathetic and laughable. What an idiot -- him I mean, not you!
Link to post
Share on other sites

First of all, Thanks to Miss MoJo, Midori, Raven and Tony...for trying to show me that I'm not such a lamer. You're sweet :-)

 

I tossed and turned all night, thinking, "what the hell am I going to do?"

 

This is basically what's recently gone on.

 

On Friday night, I went to his place (I don't go there often because it's sort of creepy.....it has his (ex)wife's vibes all over it...and the thought of spending the night was just too much (their bed)..which of course he simply didn't understand.

 

That night, he went and had a shower. I'd decided to bite the bullet and spend the night. We'd been up watching a movie til after 2am and I was so tired and didn't feel like driving all the way across the city, home. So I told him I'd stay. He seemed surprised but pleased.

 

So while he was in the shower (he wanted me to join him), I did what I've done in past relationships. I had a little 'snoop' (yeah yeah, I know). First, I had a peek in his bedside table top drawer....the side of the bed that I would have been sleeping on. What did it have inside? Nothing but his Wedding Album (which I didn't look at) and a stack of at least 75 romantic lovey dovey cards that his ex wife had given to him over the years they were married. Of course I was upset because this guy swears he's over her, has no feelings for her....he's also a very organized guy......and not one to "forget" that someone was left in a drawer. So naturally I took this to mean that he "needed" this stuff closeby...that he couldn't 'let go'....

 

Then I went into his living room. There's an entertainment center in there...it has a lot of framed pictures of his kids (various ages). When I first met him, there was no picture of his wife with kids there. Over the past few weeks, suddenly a picture of his wife and boys was sitting toward the back of the top shelf...like someone had recently put it there. Who else would have done that? Had to be him (his ex wife no longer has a key to his place, he had the locks changed over a year ago as he was tired of her coming in and taking stuff that she wanted..plus, she's been in a serious relationship for a year and a half).

 

I wanted to have a good look at this picture..just to really see what she looked like....just curious, I guess.

 

Below that shelf, there was a brochure lying on another shelf.....it was a brochure with some travel vouchers (from an Airline)...on it was a sticky post-it note. In obviously women's handwriting, it read:

 

"Thought you might like this....

 

Me

 

PS...see you soon!"

 

Now this is NOt something that was sitting there last week or any other time in the past. Definitely NOT his ex wife's handwriting, I knew that. So who wrote it? Was this adding to my query about him ALWAYS having the ringer of his cell phone off when he's at my place? (even on the weekends....even though he's a "boss" and has many men who answer to him, who might need to reach him..even though he doesn't have voicemail so it's not even like he can check their messages). I was sick inside and it took all I had not to just run out the door (while he was still in the shower) and not come back. To me, these were signs that a) he's not over his ex wife (which might explain even more why I feel like he's tried to change me so much, into her?)...and b) he's seeing someone else while seeing me?? (which might also explain his strange and frequent 'abrupt need' to rush home to his house and wash his jeans or clean his already-clean house)

 

I learned a long time ago, and maybe I've done some actual growing since then....not to discuss things when you're upset.......I really DO hate fighting. So I decided I wouldn't bring up the 'note' that night. ANd there was no way I was going to bring up the wedding album/cards (and admit I was snooping? uh uh).

 

When he got out of the shower, my heart was in my throat...and I just point blank told him I could not stay the night after all......and then I said something rather crude and unlike me..I said, "I don't want to sleep in the same bed that you f*cked your wife in".......and then I just point blank came out and asked him if he still loved her. He was shocked, but reassured me that he didn't (but he's not a man for many words so it wasn't a very wordy reassurance).

 

I then got up to leave....I was fighting back the tears..feeling like I was such a dunce...feeling like I was maybe some 'rebound girl' (although he'd apparently dated others since her/before me)....feeling used. Feeling tacky.

 

He had this very sad look on his face.......and I fell for it, and decided to stay after all..which I did, and I slept in 'that' bed....and I didn't let him know the turmoil in my heart. I laid there in bed, thinking about the 'note' and wondering what the fek was really going on.

 

In the morning, we got up....he was making us breakfast. I knew that I couldn't just 'brush off' the note thing......but I knew that I had to bring it up cautiously and in a non-confrontational way.

 

SO I started off by asking him how long before he began dating me, had he been dating someone else (wondering if possibly this note was left by someone who'd been in the picture BEFORE me).....i was shocked when he said "2 weeks"...wow, this guy goes from one relationship to another. Then he goes on and on about how she'd left for Mexico around the time that he'd last seen her, about 2 weeks before he began seeing me.....so of course I'm thinking to myself "oh..so she leaves the country so he moves on to someone else?"

 

he tells me that she's STILL in mexico..some kind of exchange thing...and that when she does get back, she'll likely call him up and want to go for a beer with him..and to tell him about her trip. I wasn't feeling very comfortable with that...so I asked him IF he would go for a drink with her..he was quick to say "yes"...so I bit the bullet and said, "don't you think it's kind of weird to be going for drinks with someone you were in a relationship with prior to the person you're now in one with?"

 

Then the story changed. Then suddenly they had only been "friends" ....not dating (???)...and that she was just a friendly gal. Uh huh.

 

So then I ask him if he's in contact with "other" exes of his. He says that he is, that the ones he dated prior to getting married 15 years ago, they call him. Wow, I'm sure learning a lot here.

 

I then ask him if he's been 'seeing' anyone else while dating me. He said he hasn't. I then ask him, if some 'hot babe' asked him out, would he go?..his response:

 

"Well obviously the PROPER thing would be to tell her that I'm seeing someone, right"? Someone that didn't seem to reassuring. The "proper thing"?

 

So then I bring up the 'note'.......and he tells me that it was a note from a while back.....from one of the "slutty secretaries" at his work.......He's told me about this one in the past...how he'd once taken her to a hockey game and that she was doing some kind of aerobics move and all the other guys from work who were there with him found her 'move' to be quite sexual....and that she had the reputation of being a slut and a major flirt. He said she really WASN'T a slut, but that people (guys) just thought that (gee,I wonder why?) He did say that she wasn't his cup of tea.

 

I asked him why a secretary would be writing notes and signing her name as "me"....which to me, denotes someone who's very friendly and familiar with him.....I mean, come on, people in relationships write notes to each other and sign them "me" (cuz obviously who else would be writing them?)....and what was this about "ps..see you soon!"...he said "she's just a flirt like that, she's like that with everyone".....Well, I wasn't buying this too much.

 

So then we start talking about other things......what his intentions are in this relationship......he floors me by saying that there's no guarantees in life and that he has no idea if we'll still be together a month from now, a year from now. He also made comments that if you're in a relationship with someone and it doesn't work out, that for him, it doesn't "shatter his world".......what the hell kind of thing is that to say to the girl you're dating?.....made me feel like if I walked out the door and never looked back, he wouldn't give a crap.

 

Then he was getting really uncomfortable....and saying to me, "nobody I've ever dated has wanted to discuss these things"...I'm like, "SO?" He was getting really rude and almost angry with me. Finally I just couldn't believe his reaction.....and I told him I had to leave...and when I walked out the door, in my mind that was "IT"..it was over. We couldn't even sit down and have a simple, calm conversation about anything important.

 

Last night was the first time we talked since then. I had phoned him and I don't know why. Well, I did miss him...and I had this horrible sense of guilt for having dumped him. And part of me is just a freaking idiot and sucker for punishment, I guess.

 

So we talked for over 2 hours. Guess what came out? Well....remember the girl he'd dated (err, was supposedly just friends with) shortly before me? Well wouldn't you know it...she just HAPPENS to *ALSO* be the 'slutty secretary' that left him the note. SO on Saturday, he totally lead me to believe that they were 2 separate people.....sure as hell didn't tell me he'd 'dated' the secretary.........So why was he leading me to believe they were TWO separate people?

 

he tells me that this poor secretary is a really nice person...just misunderstood....guys think she's a slut but she's only been in 2 relationships in her life...that she's just really friendly and is friends with almost all the guys at work...and often has them over for dinner. He says he never dated her, but he "could have if he wanted to pursue it" (almost making it sound like NOW he could date her if he wanted to pursue it..oh that makes me feel f*kking special)........

 

He still can't understand why the note was a 'big deal'......Jesus, I think that most women would find it strange...and I think I brought it up pretty decently..versus how I would have years ago (I would have screamed and cried and yelled and made a big scene).

 

Some of the highlights (?) of our conversation were that:

 

-he wants the kind of relationship that a 21 yr old has.....simple, no 'issues' to deal with, fun and no stress. This is a far fekking cry from what he lead me to believe from the start......when he was introducing me to his children (apparently I'd been the FIRST one he had done that with.....I was apparently someone he felt would be in his life for a long time to come).....when he was beginning to spend every night here (overnight) by a week.....when he was suggesting that maybe I hold off on buying my own home in April, that I move in with him instead and that we live together there for a year THEN build a house in the country together. This jerk lead me to believe he wanted a serious relationship....and that he could see me as someone he'd have a possible future with.

 

-he told me that the kind of relationship he wants is one with no problems, no issues to discuss, no stress. I told him that that was a nice idea but not very realistic. He said it wasn't realistic and that if you are with someone and you can't have all this, then you're with the wrong person.

 

-he told me that if there IS an issue in a relationship, if he can't resolve it or IF he doesn't think it's an issue in his mind, he'll just forget about it, sweep it under the rug.

 

-He basically said that the most important thing to him in a relationship is HIS perspective on things.....and that if he thinks something isn't an issue, then it isn't...OR, if he feels it's too much of an issue, then he's gone...not into the relationship.

 

-He's bothered by the fact that I "PROBABLY" wouldn't like his friends. Why? Well, cuz 2 weeks after we started dating, I busted my ass in the kitchen making a nice romantic dinner for him......and he couldn't scarf it down fast enough because he wanted us to go to some housewarming party of one of his YOUNG EMPLOYEES (my guy is nearly 36..this friend and all the friends there were about 23-26). So I didn't make a deal about it....we went. Im not much of a drinker any more, not a partier.....we walked into a house of about 35 drunk people.....so noisy, just a bunch of noisy drunks....and I'm a little shy so I felt a little out of place (never been a house party type of person). I was polite, friendly, I tried to look like I was fitting in......his one friend, a married guy who was there with his wife...he was a total PIG to me....making all kinds of sexual innuendo-laced comments..mostly just trying to 'shock' me I guess...his wife laughing the whole time. I just gave it back to him but in my mind I thought the guy was an a**h***, plain and simple. They were drinking like it was going out of style......acting like horse's asses. After 90 minutes of it, my face was sore from the phony smile I had on it. I was tired of listening to the "remember when we all got wasted" stories. I told my guy that I thought we should leave. We were only supposed to be 'making an appearance' there anyway, not staying the night......and seeing how he drove a company truck, (I'm not allowed to drive it), if he continued to drink the 3 oz drinks they were giving him, how would we safely get home?

 

So we left....and came back to my place where I spent over an hour washing all the dishes and cleaning up the mess we'd left...while he slept on the couch. I was not impressed.

 

But because I apparently didn't like this crude, drunken loser friend of his, that suddenly means I wouldn't like any of his friends. Uh huh. Nice assumption.

 

Then he brought up the fact that I don't like hottubs....so I'd never want to go to a hottub party with him. Yeah, so what? It was like he was listing off all these reasons that I was not the gal for him. Yes, I'm a nurse and I'm grossed out about the thought of sitting in an oversized bathtub with a bunch of drunken strangers......I don't care how many chemicals are in the water, I just think it's sort of gross and I've heard stories about how rowdy these parties get..people pissing in the tub, etc. I'm also not into sitting around in a bikini with strangers. So shoot me.

 

Then...if this isn't enough, he brings up this coming summer. This July, I'll be done school and will be looking for my first job in this area of nursing. Yes, I'll be stressed...and I also have to get so many 'hours' in before then to maintain my registration..a lot of hours. I'm stressed about it now cuz it's not even possible..but anyway. He says that I'm going to be stressed in the summer.....something to the effect that he wonders if he should stay in this relationship because he foresees there being stress in the summer. At first he made it out to be like, "I know you'll be stressed and there won't be anythign I can do to help you"...but the more he talked, the more it was obvious that all he was thinking about was HIMSELF........again: he wants this carefree, stress-free, fun, lotsa sex, no strings relationship. I thought people in a relationship were supposed to stick together during stressful times, not head for the border?

 

I said to him, 'geez, what if you got laid off next week, of course you'd be stressed...so I should just dump your ass now to prevent having to deal with that?"...he said that was different...because the chances of him getting laid off are nil......but that it's definitely foreseeable that I'll have stress this summer.

 

I then asked him, "so what if you're in a relationship and your girlfriend gets hit by a bus and is a paraplegic or gets cancer....you're then going to dump her?" He said, again, that's different......that's not foreseeable.

 

I was just sitting there in amazement that this creep could be so selfish....to seriously be wondering if I'm worth dating because in 6 months from now, yes, my life will be stressful. Fek.

 

I asked him, "didn't your 13 yr marriage ever have any kind of stress in it?" He said it had, but that a marriage is different than a relationship like we have...because with a marriage, there are commitments to each other, to your kids (if you have them).......but in a relationship, there are no commitments. WHAT THE HELL?

 

He then tells me that it bothers him when he doesn't stay overnight here every night...that when he'll leave to go home instead of staying the night, I'llmake him feel like he's "leaving me".......and that there are times when he'd just like to spent 2 or 3 days on his own.....at his own place...maybe not even see me period.....just to do his own thing, but that he feels guilty if he were to tell me this. WHAT THE HELL? This is the guy who nearly overwhelmed me in the beginning (which is what I tell him at this point)..that on day 5 of our relationship, he'd brought an overnight duffle bag with him..with toothbrush, extra clothes, extra shoes, etc etc....and he was staying almost every night...........totally of his own accord (I've never been in a relationship where the 'sleepovers' started that soon).....now he's making it like I'm making him feel OBLIGATED to stay. Geezus.

 

So what's he now doing......trying to get me to say, "oh honey, you don't have to spend any night here......just do what you have to do......don't feel guilty"..so that, what...he can see his other chicks on the side? Am I intruding on his time with them or what?

 

Then we talk about the cheating thing again.......I think he brought it up. He says to me, "so what happens if 3 months from now, an ex calls me up and wants to go for lunch....how would you feel?" (assuming that he'd GO). Well I told him that as long as he's honest with me BEFOREHAND and doesn't sneak around behind my back, I'm fine.....as long as our relationship is secure and he's given me no reason to mistrust him prior to that........I also told him about my sister and brother inlaw...how he has exes from the distant past who call him up to go for dinner, but that it's usually a 'couples' thing..where the ex will be with a guy and my brother inlaw will bring my sister (his wife) along, too....so it's not like he's trying to make her feel excluded.

 

Then we talk about cheating in general......and it somehow comes up where I tell him that if I'm with someone and they feel the need to sneak around or see someone else, to damn well tell me BEFORE they do it....so I can get out....that if you really feel the need to see other people, you're not in the right relationship and you owe it to your partner to tell them BEFORE You cheat or sneak around. Then he brings up the fact that maybe the reason SOME people aren't able to tell their partner this beforehand is because they're terrified of hurting their partner's feelings......I tell him, "well it's a helluva lot more hurtful for the person to find out AFTER the fact"....I also say, "too bad if it's hard for them. Nobody is FORCING Them to see someone else.....that's a decision they MAKE. There are consequences to our decisions......if you dont' want to have to look your partner in the face and tell them you're going to go out with an ex or somene new, then either don't do it or grab some balls and respect and be honest."

 

Not sure where this was all coming from. He was quick to reassure me that it wasn't like he was saying all this because he anticipated sneaking around on me in the future, that I shouldn't 'read more into it'.

 

So he tells me that I'm a "cool chick" and that he's definitely not ready to 'throw in the towel' but that he's tentative about "us"......that he has 'doubts' because after 6 weeks, we've already had some 'issues' that have come up. SO?

 

In light of all this, could it be any more clear that this guy is WRONG for me? That being with him will only be a constant source of stress and worry and confusion and crap?

 

Could it be ANY more clear that he has no desire or ability to ever put himself in my shoes and see things from my perspective? That to him it's 'his way of looking at it and no other way'....

 

Could it be any more clear that suddenly we find that he just wants a really fun, no stress, no issue, no commitment relationship that's based on nothing of a deep nature at all..........he just wants fun and no strings. He can't even say he'll be around in a month...though when I brought this up again, he just said that there's no guarantees in life and that who knows, some "EX" of mine could call me up 3 months from now and I decide to get back with him (interesting example.....maybe he's thinking of HIMSELF?).....he DOES say that he WOULD LIKE to think he'll be with me in a month, but that he's a realist, too......and that people change, life changes.

 

he is obviously not into commitment or looking to a future. A far cry from the guy he represented himself as from the start. So I guess this is just the 'real him'?

 

He's the hardest person to talk to. He's made it clear that there's some elusive 'protocol' for bringing things up....and that I've yet to follow it. Do I want to be with someone who I feel I have to hide my feelings from because if I bring them up, I won't do it the right way or at the right time? Do I have to always walk on eggshells and just brush everything off and dismiss my feelings?

 

This is crazy. I must be crazy. This is a far fekking cry from the guy who sat and told me to my face, within the first 2 weeks, that he would treat me better than any guy ever had...that he'd prove to me that not all men are the same....that he was going to spoil me...that he adored me. What a fekking crock.

 

So what is wrong with me? Why can't I just nicely tell this guy to go play in the traffic? Last night on the phone, I could hear myself......."yes, I can see where you're coming from"...."yes, I'm sorry, I didn't look at it that way"....."I guess that's something I have to work on".....all I did was conform to him. Did I ONCE hear him say anything like that to me? Did I ever once hear him say, "Laurynn, I can see where you were coming from"....no....it was just like my marriage and other bad relationships....where i did all the ass kissing and promising to change to fit THEM and THEIR needs. God I need my head examined.

 

L

Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess he must think I'm really stupid.

 

About the picture of his wife that's NOW sitting on his entertainment center (stuffed in the back, behind lots of other pictures)...he told me he has NO Idea WHO put it there (that's almost funny). Says that he'd had it on his desk at work, that he put it in his briefcase and brought it home and put it in a desk drawer. He has NO idea (must have been the Picture Fairy, hey?) who took it out of the drawer and put it back there on the shelf.

 

Well duh, he obviously did. Why lie to me?

 

There's no way his little kids did it.....if they had taken it out of the drawer, they wouldn't have managed to carefully move all the other pictures out of the way to put it back there. Kids would have just put it at the front, don't you think?

 

And his ex wife apparently doesn't have a key to the house (which is legally his house, not hers)..over a year ago he had the locks changed because he was tired of coming home to find she'd snuck in and was taking stuff out.

 

She's been in a relationship with the guy she'd been seeing prior to leaving my guy......even if she was over at his place picking up the kids, I can't see her having rooted through the desk drawer, taken that picture out and put it there. She wants nothing more to do with him. She's gotten on with her life.

 

So why does he think I'm so stupid that I'll buy his lie like that? God, he could have simply made something up like: I did it for the kids..to show them that I have no hard feelings toward their Mom...something to that effect.

 

Unbelievable, I think.

 

L

Link to post
Share on other sites

...Run Laurynn...RUN!!

 

I would almost swear this guy you described is some college bachelor with no prior experience with healthy relationships at all. Went through some very similar incidences with my own boyfriend a little over year ago...the memories and *flashbacks* of which STILL haunt me from time to time. The excuse I used (and use) is that he is much younger than myself and was not real practiced at learning to drawl the line between platonic friendships and intimate relationships -- And not real good at "the letting go" that you also mentioned. But at least, for the sake of our relationship, he was willing to make some compromises and improvements.

 

Sounds to me like this jacka$$ is going through some mid-life crisis. Could explain why his wife grabbed the kids and went scurrying for the hills. Now that the excitement, newness and mystery of your initial meeting has worn off, he seems all too eager to treat you more like a "booty-call" than a serious girlfriend. I think little Mexican *girl* may be a better suited for his lack of taste and conduct than you are.

 

You're way too good for this jerk. You've certainly shown to have more class, to be more intelligent, and to conduct yourself with more dignity and maturity. And don't think twice about the "snooping" thing. I don't think I'm being too presumptuous by saying everyone has resorted to that at some point in their relationship when there were suspicions and doubts.

 

Should I list everything *I* found ?!?!

 

Look, we can't help who we fall in love with. This is why guys say that they can not understand why all the wonderful women seem to fall for *jerks*. Perhaps there's some truth to their allegations.

 

Don't know what to tell you that you don't already know yourself. You've got to play this one out your own way. Perhaps it will be another hard lesson to help prepare you for a healthier relationship in the future with someone more deserving. Who knows -- but given what you already know, and what you've already seen, your going to have to rationalize this one on your own. Just know that no one is going to be as critical and hard on you as you are on yourself. We've ALL..."BeenThere".

 

Good Luck, girlfriend. BE TOUGH!!

 

I guess he must think I'm really stupid.

 

About the picture of his wife that's NOW sitting on his entertainment center (stuffed in the back, behind lots of other pictures)...he told me he has NO Idea WHO put it there (that's almost funny). Says that he'd had it on his desk at work, that he put it in his briefcase and brought it home and put it in a desk drawer. He has NO idea (must have been the Picture Fairy, hey?) who took it out of the drawer and put it back there on the shelf. Well duh, he obviously did. Why lie to me?

 

There's no way his little kids did it.....if they had taken it out of the drawer, they wouldn't have managed to carefully move all the other pictures out of the way to put it back there. Kids would have just put it at the front, don't you think?

 

And his ex wife apparently doesn't have a key to the house (which is legally his house, not hers)..over a year ago he had the locks changed because he was tired of coming home to find she'd snuck in and was taking stuff out. She's been in a relationship with the guy she'd been seeing prior to leaving my guy......even if she was over at his place picking up the kids, I can't see her having rooted through the desk drawer, taken that picture out and put it there. She wants nothing more to do with him. She's gotten on with her life. So why does he think I'm so stupid that I'll buy his lie like that? God, he could have simply made something up like: I did it for the kids..to show them that I have no hard feelings toward their Mom...something to that effect. Unbelievable, I think. L

Link to post
Share on other sites

Laurynn;

 

You've always given all of us great advice.... I feel like you are a friends...sorry about all the pain you are going through.

 

Someone once told me, relationships are all about "timing". In otherwords, look at where you are in life and where he is.

 

You sound like you are ready to be settled down, after all that's what you fell for, among other things this guy had to offer.(Or so you thought).

 

Where he is in life is this: confusion(you're not), emotionally tied to his past(you're not), wishy-washy(you're not), control freak( you're not).

 

Your timing is WAY off. In many many respects.

 

Break up with him. You will feel better if you break up, rather than he breaks up with you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You know, I've spent parts of today going over some of the things he's said to me over the past couple of days. Some of them absolutely astound me.

 

That night when I'd changed my mind about staying over at his place....that the thoughts of his 'wife' were too much for me, we got to talking and he reminded me (almost arrogantly) that I wasn't a 'rebound girl'..that he *had* dated other people after her/before me. So what? Were any of them actual relationships? By the sounds of it, they lasted only a couple weeks or so. And is it written somewhere that a 'rebound relationship' is definitely the FIRST relationship you have AFTER you break up with someone? I don't think so.

 

Maybe he's been on one rebound relationship after another since his wife walked out....and none of these relationships work because he's looking for someone to be a clone of his perfect wife.....or someone to make him forget her.

 

Funny thing..when we were discussing the 'picture' of her that mysteriously appeared on his shelf within the past couple weeks (Aliens?), why he said this I don't know but he just had to say to me, "well she doesn't even look like THAT now, that was taken a long time ago"...SO? Do I give a flying fek what she looks like? What does that have to do with the fact that you're feeding me yet another line of bullcrap?

 

Something else he said last night. If this isn't the greatest indicator of a 'relationship-retard', I don't know what is. He said that for him, when a relationship ends it doesn't bother him emotionally...the only thing that gets to him is if he's lost something 'material' as a result. He said, "someone can break my heart but they can't take it from me....but if they take my blender or wafflemaker, then I'm upset."

 

What the hell? That doesn't sound like something a remotely 'healthy' individual would feel/say, does it? Who gives a damn about material things......isn't one's heart more important? Well, it is to me but hey I'm just strange.

 

Yes, that's likely what he now thinks I am...a booty-call. Yep, the newness and excitement of the beginning of the relationship wore off, the 'real life' things started to emerge and that turned him off.

 

In my email to him the other night, I told him how used I felt.....that I have sex with him, treat him and his kids with respect and kindness, that I try to be a good girlfriend, that I do and say things to show him what he means to me, but that he can't even say whether he'll be around in a freaking MONTH? Well he focused on the 'sex' aspect of this paragraph......told me it made him feel like to me, having sex with him is a 'gift' that I gift him (and basically more than what it is...just screwing for kicks)...and that resents that.......that I'm making such a big deal about sex, basically. That I'm somehow trying to make him feel guilty. Damn rights! Up until this relationship, I've never been in a relationship where sex entered the picture until we were both in love. Why I lowered my standards and principles here, is beyond me. I guess i could just tell that he had a very high sex drive and subconsciously, I feared that if he didn't 'get it soon', he'd just think I was a prude and he'd be gone. Yeah, I'm 34 and that stupid to fall for that.

 

I wish I had somewhere to go right now...for a week (I can't go cuz I have a very sick cat who can't be looked after by anyone other than me, not even an option)......to get away from here, from him. To clear my head. For a change of scenery. No chance of that, though.

 

I'm soooo angry at him, and hurt that it's distracting me more than I care to admit. I'm itching for him to phone here so that I can ignore his call. How immature is that. I'm itching for him to just stop by and I'll put on my coat and sexy boots and say "sorry babe but I'm just on my way out" (what an immature twit I am, I know).

 

anyway, I thank you for your input and support. It really does help to keep me focused on what I need to focus on.

 

Hugs,

 

L

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi girl,

 

Yes, everything you write is 100% true. My brain knows it, and most of my heart knows it (damn heart).

 

See, I DID break up with him..on Saturday.....but I guess I had a brain fart last night and I caved in a called him, which obviously indicated that I wasn't sticking to my decision to end things.

 

It was yesterday morning that I woke up and it just hit me, I suddenly remember that it was 'over' and I don't know if I said it out loud or to myself but whichever, I said "oh my God, what have I done"? and my heart felt like it was in my shoes, so heavy.

 

Throughout the day I tried to be strong and keep busy and dwell on all his crap and issues and the many reasons that he doesn't deserve me...but by 8pm I got weak and I called.

 

He must have no respect for me because I can't make up my mind what I want. I confront him for his crap but then I obviously take it back..so maybe I am wishy-washy after all? (just like him)

 

Something else that bothers me.......When we first started seeing each other he told me one of the things that attracted me to him was the fact that I was very independent....and also that his wife was very dependent on him (and her family). Now last night, I can't remember how it came up but he was criticizing me for being so independent....something to the effect that maybe I don't need him or that I'm TOO independent. Geezus Kryst, what the fek do men want? 3 weeks ago he was making snide remarks implying that I was dependent on him (because he was running his fingers through my hair, I told him I liked it, he said, "don't get too used to it", I said "what?" he said, "well I can't be here ALL the time to do this so you can't be dependent on me for that"

 

*banging head against the wall*

 

He thinks he's the expert on communication and relationships. Why? Let's see now....he had a few relationships in high school and til he was 21 (how REALLY serious could those have been???), then he married at age 21.....and was married and with the same women up until 16 months ago.....and since then, he's had a few very short term relationships that lasted a few weeks, one being as long as 5 weeks (woo!).......but he knows it all. He doesn't know jack sh*t. I don't profess to know it all, but I've been in quite a few relationships that lasted 2-3 yrs....and I've dated a boatload of guys over the past 15 years. All different types. I've learned a lot from my past relationships......about how each couple communicates differently, deals with problems differently, has different needs, etc.

 

He makes me sick, quite frankly. He simply doesn't deserve me. He likely thinks I don't deserve him. I am so goddamn tired of giving my heart and 'trying again'.....and making myself vulnerable and thinking "this time" I might have found a good guy...hell, maybe not "The one" but someone who won't sh*t all over my heart and feelings. i really do give up.

 

L

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Elma,

 

That was so very sweet and thoughtful of you to ask how I'm doing *hugs*

 

My mood and thoughts and feelings seem to change constantly. Part of me is extremely disappointed and sad and almost empty feeling......then there's a good part of me that's extremely angry that I allowed someone to sh*t on me the 'very first time' (my past posts here re: him)....part of me is frustrated that he has no fekkin' clue where I was or am coming from, I hate to be misunderstood and I can't relax until I believe someone understands my thoughts and feelings. Part of me feels sick inside cuz I really wonder WHAT is going on......I have suspicions and a lack of trust..have I been played for a fool and used for longer than I think?

 

I feel like a dork when I think back to how excited was the first night I'd met him..how I got home and came here to post how excited and happy I was. Hmm, maybe I jinxed things LOL

 

I find it truly mindblowing that there are individuals in this world who seek a relationship with someone, misrepresent themself to a certain degree.....who don't know jack sh*t about relationships or how to treat someone..and how they can go day to day with their head up their butt, thinking they are so right and everyone else is so wrong and misguided. Who the hell do they think they are? And...do they not realize that those of us who get hurt are human beings with feelings? I have never and I COULD never treat anyone the way some guys have treated me...maybe that's why it hurts all the more because it seems so cruel and selfish and I can't even remotely relate.

 

I used to write poetry about men and past hurts....it's ironic, a lot of the ones I've written could definitely apply to him and this situation. I'll dig up one and post it..I'm sure others here can relate very much, too.

 

Thanks Elma....again, that was so nice of you to ask. I hope that all is well with you.

 

Laurynn

 

<e-mail address removed>

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just a little something. Hope it helps:

 

**HABITS, AND URGES, AND ADDICTIONS, OH MY!**

 

They go hand in hand--what is one without the other?

 

What is usually the hardest for someone going through a breakup is fighting those relentless urges to contact the ex. "I just need some closure. I just need some answers 'why'. I just want to explain to them, plead with them, beg them, show them how I'm sorry. I just want to hear their voice, see their face, and have them see and hear mine. Maybe they'll realize how much they miss me...blah, blah, blah....yadda, yadda, yadda...." Ewww!!!! Those urges are just so annoying. But what drives us to follow through with them? To risk our pride, our dignity, our self-esteem, and self-respect and fall crumbling to our knees to plead with them? What are they, God or something? Geez! We are sorry-sacks aren't we *grins*. But we've all done it. We've all thought about planning 'accidental' meetings, dreamed of chance encounters and hoped for final conversations. We've all come up with emergency reasons to contact our ex--we've conjured up causes, and schemed, plotted, and coerced our friends to arrange it. So why do we do it and how can we cope with them? How do we fight urges that dominate our thinking and interfere with our daily routine?

 

WHY DO I FEEL SUCH AN OVERWHELMING URGE TO CONTACT MY EX?

 

Your ex, and the relationship, were very important to you. It's simply an unreasonable request to expect you to just walk away without the urge to regain that importance back in your life! You crave your ex and the relationship--not just because of love, or security, but because it was a habit and habits are addictions...and addictions are fed by cravings. Without the craving there would be no addiction. It's not the object of the addiction that drives us to have to have it, it's the unbearable, never-ending craving for it that motivates us to lose all for the object of our addiction. It's not the plain, simple alcohol itself that drives the alcoholic to drink...it's that relentless craving for it. Why should breaking the love habit be any different? Only this scenario is a little different. We crave them/the relationship, as much as an alcoholic craves alcohol...however, alcohol won't deny itself to the alcoholic, it won't reject the alcoholic's attempt to drink it, it's readily available to him...but the source of our cravings will deny itself to us, therefore making our craving just a little bit more complex. We have to think of ways to manipulate our objects of addiction. Craving itself is not going to satisfy the urge. So now we're like a junkie in the street that will do just about anything to get their cravings met. We lose pride, dignity, self-respect. We trick our minds into believing that we have catastrophes so we have an excuse to reach out to our objects of addictions..."

Link to post
Share on other sites

My dipstick (err,ex dipstick) called here at noon, I ignored his call. He called about 10 minutes ago and I ignored it. He just called again 2 minutes ago and I ignored it. This is very hard to do. I feel like I'm playing some kind of teenybopper-game with him. I fear now that he'll just come over. I suspect that he's calling on his way home from work (on his cell) to say he wanted to come see me.

 

He'll know I'm here if he comes over cuz it snowed and there's no tracks in my driveway, plus he could simply look through the window of my garage to see my car in there. Obviously ignoring him will make me look like a lunatic, do I care?

 

I just don't think I'm strong or calm enough to listen to anything (lie) he has to say right now. I won't believe anything he has to say, or maybe he has something rude to say to me, or maybe he's going to tell me "see ya" (and I won't give him the satisfaction) or maybe he's going to make me out to be a neurotic, insecure boob. I just don't think he deserves to say anything to me...and it will either end up that I get 'sucked in' and he says "I'd like to see you" or else it will get ugly and I'll lose my composure for once (with him) and tell him to fek off..which I'd prefer not to.

 

Any tips?

 

L

Link to post
Share on other sites
Any tips?

Prone to migraines? That's always a good excuse.

 

If he comes over you don't have to answer the door. No matter how many times he rings or how long he stands outside. And you don't have to offer any explanation (especially if you don't talk to him ever again -- I know, unlikely).

 

If you're going to talk to him ... well ... I guess the best thing would be to be calm & self-possessed. Hard I know. But really Laurynn, you know you're not irrational or hysterical. And you're not asking him to come over and explain himself. So if he feels compelled, well, fine. But that doesn't mean you have to be easily placated or swayed. So I guess I'd say, if he must come in, invite him in for A (that's one) cup of coffee. Tell him you're making it an early night, so you can really only chat for a little while. Listen to what he has to say -- and say as little as you can in return. If he's spouting crap, trying to convince you that you're nuts to be upset, don't respond in kind. Just smile and nod a bit, let him go on. When his hour is up, thank him for coming over, show him to the door and tell him you'll think about what he has said. Make no promises.

 

And then don't call him!

 

I'd keep that demeanor even if what he's saying sounds pretty good. You're very skeptical of this guy and with good reason. If he insists on speaking with you, just hear him out but don't get yourself sucked in until you can see that he's serious about what he's saying. Which wouldn't happen in an evening.

 

I'll bet that if you hold your tongue and give him nothing to go on you'll see pretty soon what he's made of. Chances are if he's the jerk his behavior thus far suggests, he'll fall apart after just an hour of having to do all the talking, with you just listening without encouragement.

 

Off the top of my head, that's what I'd try.

 

Good luck!

 

-m

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Laurynn!

 

No one but you can take your power and strength away from you. This guy does NOT own you, so have some faith in yourself.

 

First of all, you sound like you almost WANT this guy to come over,(maybe way deep down), but I hope not.

 

Anyway, you can kiss him good bye before he does.... if he DOES come over.

 

I'm really sorry for all the pain this is causing you, but trust me there are nice guys out there.

 

I think now would be a VERY good time to rely on some girlsfriends(do you have any close ones, or ones that you know have gone through a breakup?), and your family as well as LOVEshack.

 

You are bright, intelligent, sensitive, good sense of humor, and most of all honor yourself.

 

So, hang in there girlfriend, you can do it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

hahaha. Joke.

 

Thanks for the pep talk!!

 

Do I want him to come over? Maybe. Guess it show that he in some small twisted way, cared a bit. Do I want to actually look at his face? No.

 

Am I slightly curious as to what 'excuse' he'd give me about the goings-on last night? Yes, about 10% of me is....Just curious to know just how stupid he thinks I'd be to fall for his made up reason..but the remaining 90% doesn't want to hear a gawddamn word from him. Part of me feels that he doesn't even deserve 2 seconds of my time. But another part of me feels that I deserve to give him a piece of my mind and tell him what a sorry excuse for a man he is.

 

But then another part of me knows that a jerk like this will not suddenly "get" when you tell him he's a jerk. No lightbulb is going to go off in his head, so why waste your time. All a jerk will think when you tell him what you think is, "wow, what a crazy, deluded bitch....I sure don't need her!" It only gives them the opportunity to pathetically reinforce that they are oh so right and you are oh so wrong.

 

There's a tiny, tiny smidgen of me that feels perhaps I overreacted last night. Maybe there IS a simple, honest, true reason he didn't return my call or pick up the phone when I called at 9:30 or 11:50 or 1:10am......like maybe he's suddenly developed narcolepsy.....or maybe a spaceship beamed up his brain......or maybe he fell and couldn't get up. Or maybe he feared I'd want to have a 'deep discussion' about something and he just wasn't up for it, given his 'tough all day meeting today' (uh huh).

 

He won't be calling me for a while now, if he is going to....he'll be busy til at least 10pm (his pool league).

 

Midori,I like your suggestions....but honestly, I don't feel he deserves to step foot in my home. I'll just get sooooo frustrated with his BS and attitude and twisting things around, or possibly trying to suck up to me (out of guilt?) that I may lose my composure and tell him he's a dick. I want to act with class and composure ..which is something I can't say I did in past relationships. I used to be quite dramatic and the type to fly off the handle...or make a big emotional scene....or come close to getting on my knees and begging them to give me one more chance...... I have many areas to grow in, but in this area, I am kind of proud of myself that I'm now able to conduct myself with a lot more class and decorum.

 

He's probably expecting to receive an email from me any time, and wondering why he hasn't yet....he won't get one from me. I think it makes much more of a statement to completely and totally break off absolutely all contact with him. I'm sure no woman has ever done that, based on how he acts. I think he thinks he's a big stud and that women can't live without him.

 

I want to send the strongest and clearest possible message to him that I DON'T CARE and that I DO NOT WANT HIM IN MY LIFE. I want to send him a loud message that no man gets away with this kind of crap with me, anymore. Of course in his deluded mind, he probably thinks I've done nothing more than make a 'big issue' out of a 'non issue' but whatever. Perhaps he's been trying to get ahold of me simply to say "see ya." Who knows. I don't. And I simply can't care, either.

 

If he does care (not that I'm acting this way for any reason other than he doesn't deserve me or my time), let him spend some of his precious time kicking his ass and wondering where he screwed up, if that's even possible. Let him ask himself, "first my wife left me, now Laurynn left me.....what part am I playing in this?"

 

Anyway, I must stick to my guns. To do otherwise now would be defeating all I've done up to this point. I have to love and respect myself and remind myself that I'm worthy of being treated well and that I will no longer stand for crap.

 

Thanks to all of you.

 

L

Link to post
Share on other sites

Somehow you have got to put a halt to this whole thing. Life is way too short. Talk to him, tell him to stop contacting you and move on your way.

 

This is downright ridiculous. This is no way to live your life.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Multi faceted woman

Laurynn,

 

I've been following your posts and advice posts for a long time, and I've posted over the months under many different names, and I am amazed that you are very much like me in so many ways!! It's uncanny!! There were times when I cursed you, hated you, but now I empathize totally with you because I understand your pain. I've been there and I know exactly how you are feeling.

 

Your poems are amazing. Do you do creative writing? You should use this experience and try to transform it into something postive, something creative. Think that you are luckly to be experiencing this pain because it enriches your

 

creativity and sensitivity. You are a very strong woman and you will come out fine. I know that without a doubt.

 

Are you in Calgary?

Link to post
Share on other sites
PS..for anyone reading this, my guy just called again...and I ignored it. Oh and he's calling now as I type. Ignoring, ignoring, ignoring. He never leaves messages but maybe he's calling back to leave one.....I don't think I'll even listen to it. Never seen him try to get ahold of me this much. Hmmm. Guilt? L
Good on you Laurynn!!! Keep strong, show him WHO IS THE BOSS !!!! You dont need a lifetime of his #####!! Just think of it in the long run! I did it for 5 years - truely its not worth it, and I wasted 5 good years of my life!!!
Link to post
Share on other sites

Well I'm pretty sure this will be my final post regarding Mr Dickhead.

 

He phoned a couple more times this evening, I finally decided to bloody well pick it up and see what he had to say, otherwise he'd likely just keep calling.

 

So he starts out by asking if I want to know what took place. I was aloof and indifferent, told him that at this point, "it" and "nothing" much mattered..but that I supposed he could humour me and tell me (I was calm but sarcastic as all get out).

 

After the hockey game last night, instead of rushing home to go to bed like he said he'd be doing, guess where he went? Out to one of the skankiest country bars in the city....til when,you ask? 2:15am, he claims. Supposedly with the guys he was at the hockey game with. Wow, I had no idea that so many adults went to the bars on Tuesday nights. Must be real winners!

 

So I calmly let into him......told him he was nothing more than a liar, which he didn't 'get'.....I told him that he'd specifically told me he was too busy to make the time to see me last night after the game, cuz he had to rush home to bed to be up for his 'all day meeting'......but wait, he had time to go to a freaking meat market?

 

Well,it all went downhill from there. He did muster a pathetic but insincere apology, but shortly after that was when the 'shoe dropped' and he told me that everything between us was just pointless and that since our 'discussion' on the weekend, nothing was changing. Well, I was becoming livid at this point. Of course nothing has changed you assh*le, you've done nothing to change it...you haven't even been able to make 5 minutes to see me (though you had time to piss it up at a bar).

 

Then came the song and dance about how he feels like he has to explain and apologize for everything. Poor guy. How if he ever has a week long business trip somewhere, I'm not going to trust him (note: he used Las Vegas as an example....coincidence that slutty secretary had given him travel vouchers for a trip for 2 to Las Vegas? hmmm).

 

I gave him ##### for him not having the balls to just spit it out and say he didn't want to see me anymore..and that he left me in limbo for these past few days.......that it was rude and thoughtless and the epitome of selfish.

 

I told him that he made no effort whatsoever in our relationship......and that these past few days were the height of that....and that his priorities in life and mine are diametrically opposed. I told him that I wouldn't treat a dog the way he's treated me.

 

He then tried to "make things better" by telling me, "Lisa, I do like you, you're a good person"...I stopped him right there in his tracks. I told him not to fekkin patronize me...that I didn't give a rat's ass if he liked me or not, and what did him liking me or not have to do with the fact that's he's treated me like crap, put no effort into anything and that now he's dumping my ass? I told him to save the niceties for someone else.

 

I told him that i know how proud he is of the fact that he's remained friends with all his exes, but that I won't be an addition to that list. I told him that I don't consider him a friend, that i won't be going for coffee or drinks with him in the future and that basically, I want nothing more to do with him ever again. So count this 'ex' out as being a friend (I'm sure if he could have gotten me to agree to being friends, that would have eased his pea-sized conscience just a tad).

 

He still wanted to talk but I told him there was no point at all. He said he was sorry, and the last thing I told him was, "no you're not, and I don't ever want to talk to you again."...then I hung up. I was so livid and hurt by this point that my brain wasn't thinking properly......I'm sure I could have come up with a more fitting final thought but hey, what can ya do?

 

I'm sure he's sitting at home stressing and stewing over the fact that I have some pretty pricey belongings of his (clothes, work jacket, etc). We all know how attached he gets to his fekking possessions. I'm sure he's kicking himself that he didn't get a chance to get in there, about how he could go about getting them back. Tough sh*t, big guy. I think a donation to the Salvation Army might just be in order, don't you?

 

I've never been one to keep someone's stuff after a breakup, but considering this guy has made it so clear that he values material things over the heart, he can kiss my ass.

 

Yes, some of you will say, "why didn't you stick to your guns and not talk to him?"...well, why prolong the inevitable. He obviously wanted to tell me to hit the road, so avoiding him for days or weeks would do nothing...all he'd do is just assume I knew it was over and that would ease his conscience even more.

 

So let's see, folks...because I was pissed at him for misleading me last night...and him being out at the bar instead of home in bed where he told me he'd be, that was just one MORE reason for him to end things. Can you believe that? And do I really believe he was at the bar then went home? Who knows. Who cares, I guess.

 

God help me if I'm pregnant, that's all I can say. That would just be my freaking luck. (I'm thinkin' of ya, Raven)

 

So there you have it. The fekker dumped me......but I'd have dumped him anyway...at least this way I got to act like a bitch, like I didn't give a damn and I let him know what I thought of him as a human being. Likely none of it will phase him, but maybe some of it will.

 

I just can't believe the balls of this guy. On Sunday he ends the conversation by telling me he likes me and he's not ready to throw in the towel....then over these past few days, we dont even see each other and nothing has happened to change his opinion of me/us, and because I'm pissed thathe was out at the bar instead of spending time with me, that's the thing that puts him over the edge? LOL OH and get this..he says he was just spending these past few days thinking about things...and trying to put behind him/us, our discussions over the weekend. wow, I didn't know that going to a f*cking bar/meat-market could be SOOO therapeutic for one's relationship.

 

*cleansing breath*

 

Ya know, he didn't sound TERRIBLY sure about wanting to end things.....perhaps he was hoping I'd suggest we just be friends and start over....or maybe he thought I'd say, "oh honey, I'll just give you your space....we'll take a break and just see how we feel a month or two from now"....I made it abundantly clear that someone doesnt' get the chance to sh*t on my twice....and that he'll never see me again and that's not a promise, that's a fact.

 

Sorry for rambling. Just had to get this out. I'm hurt and angry and I'm disgusted that he's likely lying in bed feeling this overwhelming sense of freedom to go out now and bang the first chick he can charm.

 

L

Link to post
Share on other sites

YOU WRITE: "Well I'm pretty sure this will be my final post regarding Mr Dickhead."

 

Yeah, right. "Pretty sure" leaves you a LOT of room. You keep going with this as if you're being paid by some TV Show, like Survivor, to keep it going. It sucked from day one and, like the Timex watch, it kept ticking and ticking and ticking.

 

Not only was this over from the beginning but it was never a happening thing. This whole drama was a non-event. You could have had the same exchanges with some turkey off the street.

 

If you need to post again about this loser, by all means do so. But I am at a total and complete loss as to what came over you, what kind of spirit possessed you, what your blood sugar level sank to, just how dizzy you became...to put up with this. You have in no way been yourself throughout this.

 

The laurynn who used to post on this site wouldn't take this kind of humiliating abuse for more than five seconds.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, Tony, I have gone on about this a lot. I apologize if I've amazed you or bored you with my senseless drivel. This has been my only outlet, this isn't stuff I can discuss with friends or family (they don't need to know my persona life). Whether you can believe I put up with this guy's crap is not really an issue. For whatever reasons, I guess I had a 6 week long brain fart and I wasn't myself.

 

I sense major exasperation in your recent responses to me....it's almost like you're mocking me, or rubbing things in my face...and you can't seem to stop pointing out that it's so unlike me to have put up with this stuff. That's supposed to make me feel better?

 

Yeah, and I did say that I was pretty sure that that was my last post about him.....I see you snatched onto that "non-committal statement' pretty quickly. What does it matter to you if I go back on my word and continue to vent here? You come across as being totally disgusted with me. That's your prerogative if you are, but your snide comments that are laced with tones of "I can't believe you've been such a dramatic loser" are just not called for.

 

Have I somehow personally slighted you because I didn't end this when you thought I should have ended this? That's the impression I get.....

 

If you have nothing constructive or supportive or even remotely positive to say about what I've gone through or will likely go through (Sorry, Tony...as much as I SHOULD be over this in 3.4 seconds, I likely won't be), then out of courtesy to me, maybe keep your snotty comments to yourself because all you're doing is making me feel as stupid as he made me feel.

 

Laurynn

Link to post
Share on other sites

Laurynn,

 

I KNOW this is painful, I can hear it in your post, but it really IS for the best. He is a first class loser, and one not worthy. Dont do what I did, dont let him back in thinking hes going ot be "good" have sex, and then end up pregnant. Just dont do it. You give good advice, I know you can take it, leave this loser out of your mind. Move on to someoen worthy..yourself! YOU should be your #1 priority right now, you need to heal. This is what I have been trying to accomplish, even made an appt with a shrink! LOL

 

Keep your chin up, dont talk to this jerk, and I will be thinking about you too.

 

Big hugs,

 

Raven

Well I'm pretty sure this will be my final post regarding Mr Dickhead. He phoned a couple more times this evening, I finally decided to bloody well pick it up and see what he had to say, otherwise he'd likely just keep calling. So he starts out by asking if I want to know what took place. I was aloof and indifferent, told him that at this point, "it" and "nothing" much mattered..but that I supposed he could humour me and tell me (I was calm but sarcastic as all get out). After the hockey game last night, instead of rushing home to go to bed like he said he'd be doing, guess where he went? Out to one of the skankiest country bars in the city....til when,you ask? 2:15am, he claims. Supposedly with the guys he was at the hockey game with. Wow, I had no idea that so many adults went to the bars on Tuesday nights. Must be real winners! So I calmly let into him......told him he was nothing more than a liar, which he didn't 'get'.....I told him that he'd specifically told me he was too busy to make the time to see me last night after the game, cuz he had to rush home to bed to be up for his 'all day meeting'......but wait, he had time to go to a freaking meat market?

 

Well,it all went downhill from there. He did muster a pathetic but insincere apology, but shortly after that was when the 'shoe dropped' and he told me that everything between us was just pointless and that since our 'discussion' on the weekend, nothing was changing. Well, I was becoming livid at this point. Of course nothing has changed you assh*le, you've done nothing to change it...you haven't even been able to make 5 minutes to see me (though you had time to piss it up at a bar). Then came the song and dance about how he feels like he has to explain and apologize for everything. Poor guy. How if he ever has a week long business trip somewhere, I'm not going to trust him (note: he used Las Vegas as an example....coincidence that slutty secretary had given him travel vouchers for a trip for 2 to Las Vegas? hmmm). I gave him ##### for him not having the balls to just spit it out and say he didn't want to see me anymore..and that he left me in limbo for these past few days.......that it was rude and thoughtless and the epitome of selfish. I told him that he made no effort whatsoever in our relationship......and that these past few days were the height of that....and that his priorities in life and mine are diametrically opposed. I told him that I wouldn't treat a dog the way he's treated me. He then tried to "make things better" by telling me, "Lisa, I do like you, you're a good person"...I stopped him right there in his tracks. I told him not to fekkin patronize me...that I didn't give a rat's ass if he liked me or not, and what did him liking me or not have to do with the fact that's he's treated me like crap, put no effort into anything and that now he's dumping my ass? I told him to save the niceties for someone else. I told him that i know how proud he is of the fact that he's remained friends with all his exes, but that I won't be an addition to that list. I told him that I don't consider him a friend, that i won't be going for coffee or drinks with him in the future and that basically, I want nothing more to do with him ever again. So count this 'ex' out as being a friend (I'm sure if he could have gotten me to agree to being friends, that would have eased his pea-sized conscience just a tad). He still wanted to talk but I told him there was no point at all. He said he was sorry, and the last thing I told him was, "no you're not, and I don't ever want to talk to you again."...then I hung up. I was so livid and hurt by this point that my brain wasn't thinking properly......I'm sure I could have come up with a more fitting final thought but hey, what can ya do? I'm sure he's sitting at home stressing and stewing over the fact that I have some pretty pricey belongings of his (clothes, work jacket, etc). We all know how attached he gets to his fekking possessions. I'm sure he's kicking himself that he didn't get a chance to get in there, about how he could go about getting them back. Tough sh*t, big guy. I think a donation to the Salvation Army might just be in order, don't you? I've never been one to keep someone's stuff after a breakup, but considering this guy has made it so clear that he values material things over the heart, he can kiss my ass. Yes, some of you will say, "why didn't you stick to your guns and not talk to him?"...well, why prolong the inevitable. He obviously wanted to tell me to hit the road, so avoiding him for days or weeks would do nothing...all he'd do is just assume I knew it was over and that would ease his conscience even more. So let's see, folks...because I was pissed at him for misleading me last night...and him being out at the bar instead of home in bed where he told me he'd be, that was just one MORE reason for him to end things. Can you believe that? And do I really believe he was at the bar then went home? Who knows. Who cares, I guess. God help me if I'm pregnant, that's all I can say. That would just be my freaking luck. (I'm thinkin' of ya, Raven) So there you have it. The fekker dumped me......but I'd have dumped him anyway...at least this way I got to act like a bitch, like I didn't give a damn and I let him know what I thought of him as a human being. Likely none of it will phase him, but maybe some of it will. I just can't believe the balls of this guy. On Sunday he ends the conversation by telling me he likes me and he's not ready to throw in the towel....then over these past few days, we dont even see each other and nothing has happened to change his opinion of me/us, and because I'm pissed thathe was out at the bar instead of spending time with me, that's the thing that puts him over the edge? LOL OH and get this..he says he was just spending these past few days thinking about things...and trying to put behind him/us, our discussions over the weekend. wow, I didn't know that going to a f*cking bar/meat-market could be SOOO therapeutic for one's relationship. *cleansing breath* Ya know, he didn't sound TERRIBLY sure about wanting to end things.....perhaps he was hoping I'd suggest we just be friends and start over....or maybe he thought I'd say, "oh honey, I'll just give you your space....we'll take a break and just see how we feel a month or two from now"....I made it abundantly clear that someone doesnt' get the chance to sh*t on my twice....and that he'll never see me again and that's not a promise, that's a fact. Sorry for rambling. Just had to get this out. I'm hurt and angry and I'm disgusted that he's likely lying in bed feeling this overwhelming sense of freedom to go out now and bang the first chick he can charm. L

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...