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Should I break up with my girlfriend for lying to me about this?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

 
 
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Old 24th July 2008, 9:55 AM   #1
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Should I break up with my girlfriend for lying to me about this?

My girlfriend has a checkered sexual past, but this isn't about retroactive jealousy. At first it took me a while to get over her past, but I've been with just as many, if not more, people than her and I eventually got over it to some degree. My issue with her sexual past is that some of these encounters were with friends, friends who find their way into the present.

For the past few months she has occassionally exchanged e-mails with a very good friend of hers that she had sex with a couple times in the past. It bothered me, but many of my sexual partners were friends who I am on good terms with now so I understood. He lives in another country now so their e-mails have been innocent, merely catching up. However, I have made it clear that I would be very hurt if she were to meet up with him if he returns to America.

Well I found out inadvertently that he is back in America. I asked her about it and she said that it doesn't matter, she has no plans to contact him or meet up with him. Well, she has a history of cheating (as do I), so I didn't trust her word at all. I checked her e-mail and what have you, she e-mailed him a few hours before we talked, asking him if he has back in town. She never mentions me in these e-mails. She also sent him pictures and told him to keep e-mailing her. She's being completely untrustworthy. I tried to get the truth out of her but she keeps lying. Her actions don't hurt me as much as her dishonesty. If she's gonna lie about this it makes me feel like I can't trust her at all.

I'm seriously thinking about ending it. Can somebody help me?
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Old 24th July 2008, 10:50 AM   #2
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Well its probably best to let her know that you know she's lying to you. Then demand an explanation (yes, you do have the right to demand an explanation at this point). Then you'll see whether she's still going to lie, or whether she wants to be honest with you and perhaps you guys can talk about it and work it out.
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Old 24th July 2008, 10:55 AM   #3
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Hmm...

What is shady about this scenario is that she a) lied to you, and b) sent pictures??!?!

What do these pictures look like? Are they sexual or provocative? I suppose even if they are just normal pictures that she looks cute in, it is WAY inappropriate.

I would be seriously upset with her for this, but I don't know if it's break up time. You say she has a past of cheating... did she cheat on YOU, or previous boyfriends?

It sounds like she is interested in this guy, and that sends a huge red flag to me. Communicating with people who you have had sex with is a "no" in my book - I find it to be disrespectful to your partner. But lying and sending pictures is crossing the line big time. You need to confront her about her interest in this guy. See what she says. Then decide what to do.

Sorry about this all - I would be devastated.
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Old 24th July 2008, 11:05 AM   #4
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It seems clear she has absolutely no problem lying to your face. Clearly she is willing to destroy your relationship by continuing to contact him and lying to you. I think it is time to move on and find someone who does not have a pattern of cheating and lying to your face. The lying to your face would have to be a deal breaker. There is now no way you could possibly trust her now and in the future and I think you know this.
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Old 24th July 2008, 11:08 AM   #5
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Well you said yourself: she has slept with this person in the past; you don't trust her; and you've tried talking to her about it and she denies it...

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

You should talk to her, but if she is still dishonest, you should end it.


On a side note, you said "I don't trust her word at all"....is that really the kind of relationship you want to be in?
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Old 24th July 2008, 1:54 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Booker43 View Post
Well its probably best to let her know that you know she's lying to you. Then demand an explanation (yes, you do have the right to demand an explanation at this point). Then you'll see whether she's still going to lie, or whether she wants to be honest with you and perhaps you guys can talk about it and work it out.
That's what I just did. Sent her an e-mail. I'm waiting to see how she reacts. Then I will make a decision from there.
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Old 24th July 2008, 7:24 PM   #7
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That's what I just did. Sent her an e-mail. I'm waiting to see how she reacts. Then I will make a decision from there.
Schooooooolboy error my friend.

You should have done it face to face. Because you've emailed her you've given her time to prepare a story, you never get the truth out of somebody if you prep them beforehand. If you put them on the spot then its more likely you will.

She'll no doubt prep this guy on what to say if you contact him, tell him to say certain things and whatnot and she'll collaborate a story with him. So if something has been planned or was going on you sure aren't going to find out about it now dummy.
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Old 24th July 2008, 8:58 PM   #8
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Schooooooolboy error my friend.

You should have done it face to face. Because you've emailed her you've given her time to prepare a story, you never get the truth out of somebody if you prep them beforehand. If you put them on the spot then its more likely you will.

She'll no doubt prep this guy on what to say if you contact him, tell him to say certain things and whatnot and she'll collaborate a story with him. So if something has been planned or was going on you sure aren't going to find out about it now dummy.
+1, for good ol' common sense..
------

Since you both are cheaters, I guess you two belong together! Why not play the same game back in her face? I mean, what do you have to lose? You already don't trust her and she probably could careless about your feelings.
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Old 24th July 2008, 9:28 PM   #9
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You said you have sexual partners who you are on good terms with now, but you don't want your gf to meet up with her past sexual partner. Do you do the same in return by not meeting up with your past sexual partners or contacting them? I'm wondering if she feels that you're asking her for something you aren't willing to do yourself... so instead of obeying something you don't practice she does what you give yourself permission for...? (not sure if you still see the other girls still or talk to them) It may come off as a do as I say, but not as I do which can push people to rebel against what they perceive as unjust.

You don't trust her, there are far too many issues here that will prevent the both of you from ever having a solid foundation for a relationship. You would be better off cutting this one off, working on your own issues, and then focusing on finding someone who you can actually trust. Put your effort into having the type of relationship you can feel safe in rather than one where you are constantly checking emails, tracking movements, etc. Its worth the effort.
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Old 25th July 2008, 9:35 AM   #10
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You said you have sexual partners who you are on good terms with now, but you don't want your gf to meet up with her past sexual partner. Do you do the same in return by not meeting up with your past sexual partners or contacting them? I'm wondering if she feels that you're asking her for something you aren't willing to do yourself... so instead of obeying something you don't practice she does what you give yourself permission for...? (not sure if you still see the other girls still or talk to them) It may come off as a do as I say, but not as I do which can push people to rebel against what they perceive as unjust.

You don't trust her, there are far too many issues here that will prevent the both of you from ever having a solid foundation for a relationship. You would be better off cutting this one off, working on your own issues, and then focusing on finding someone who you can actually trust. Put your effort into having the type of relationship you can feel safe in rather than one where you are constantly checking emails, tracking movements, etc. Its worth the effort.
For the record, I don't talk to anyone I used to be involved with, even if I am on good terms with them. These people leave my life once my relationship with them is over, yet my gf finds it necessary to hold onto hers.

Walk, everything you said was so true, and I've been denying it and not letting myself believe that for so long because I don't want to. I do love this girl, but she is a threat to my sanity. I can't continue to go on with someone I can't trust. Someone that I feel the need to constantly check up on. She continued to lie to my face about the e-mail situation until I made her check it in front of me. Now I really don't trust her. It's so hard to end it. I know I have to, but I don't know if I actually will anytime soon.
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Old 25th July 2008, 9:41 AM   #11
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You do need to end it, even if you got past this particular issue, your relationsihp would probably limp on for a little while longer before some other issue came up and that lack of trust would show once again.

It is extremely hard to tear yourself away from somebody who you love, even if you know that they are no good for you or are even potentially cheating. But it really is for the best.

Good luck with things.
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Old 25th July 2008, 9:57 AM   #12
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You do need to end it, even if you got past this particular issue, your relationsihp would probably limp on for a little while longer before some other issue came up and that lack of trust would show once again.

It is extremely hard to tear yourself away from somebody who you love, even if you know that they are no good for you or are even potentially cheating. But it really is for the best.

Good luck with things.
I'm going to wait a couple weeks before I end it. Hopefully I can fake enough emotion to make it through those weeks. The reason I'm doing so is because next week she's going to be in a position where she's able to rebound easily and quickly, and although I know she's no good for me, I still care for her and wouldn't be able to handle that right now. After these next two weeks we'll both be on an even playing field and it won't even bother me that much if she does rebound because I'll be in a position to do the same.
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Old 25th July 2008, 11:19 PM   #13
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Dump the liar
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Old 25th July 2008, 11:48 PM   #14
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Why play games? You both have cheated in the past and it's obvious neither of you have any respect for eachother, let alone a healthy relationship. Just tell her that you two are not a good mix and it's time to say goodbye.
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Old 26th July 2008, 4:24 AM   #15
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Just an insight to my above post... Someone had already posted the advice I was going to give, so I had to be the jerk this time.

Anywho, dump her, she's not worth the effort.
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