LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating > Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

I get compliments from everyone EXCEPT my boyfriend


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 5th March 2008, 1:46 PM   #1
Established Member
 
shanny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: PA
Posts: 301
I get compliments from everyone EXCEPT my boyfriend

Me and my bf have been together for about 9 months. It's been a very rocky 9 months (you'll know if you read my other posts). Well everything is going fairly smoothly for now but he never compliments me anymore. The thing that bothers me the most is that I get compliments everywhere I go (I know that sounds conceited... I swear I'm really not). People tell me I'm hot or pretty and my bf used to do that. I just want him to appreciate me. There are other things that people compliment me on too, like about my values... you know, the things that make me who I am (like being a vegetarian animal rights activist and proud doggy mommy). He doesn't even seem to notice my best traits anymore.

And even more annoying is that he is sooo quick to mention a hot girl on TV or something. I asked him if he still thinks I'm hot and he said of course. I told him that he doesn't tell me anymore and he apologized. That was like two weeks ago and not once since then has he complimented me. Has this happened to anyone else? Do you think he does appreciate me but just assumes that I know it or do you think the novelty has worn off for him? Now I'm not the type of girl that needs compliments constantly, but it would be nice to know my bf thinks I'm sexy. It's only been 9 months!
shanny is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th March 2008, 2:25 PM   #2
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 2
I can sympathize with you on this one. My boyfriend used to do the same thing (or NOT do, I suppose). In my situation, we had more problems compiled on top of his lack of complimenting me, and I made the mistake of allowing a couple of guy friends to jump on my weakness and kiss me because I was in such a messed up state. However, I ended my behaviour, never told my boyfriend (to spare him and his feelings), and I really tried to get to the root of the problem. When I brought up the lack of complimenting, he did the same thing your boyfriend did and apologized and said that yes, I was still hot, and then didn't compliment me again until I'd bring it up again. I finally had enough, and sat him down one day and told him how hurt that made me feel, how I didn't feel like I was valued by him, and that I thought he didn't really care. I told him that I don't need to be complimented 24/7, but I need to hear from him VERBALLY from time-to-time that he finds me attractive/talented/etc., rather than just assuming it. It took a little while for him to process it, but now I'm hearing those comments more and more often and it feels so good to know he's being considerate enough to tell me those things. A reason for this is that guys tend to get comfortable fast after they've won your affections, and don't think it's necessary to tell you how hot or wonderful you are all the time anymore, because well, they finally have snagged you. You need to verbalize your concerns to him, and if he doesn't seem to consider your thoughts too much, maybe reevaluate your relationship to see if you really deserve to put up with that kind of ignorance. It sounds innocent to me, but if a person can't learn from their mistakes, then they need to be taught the hard way, unfortunately. Good luck!
prairiechicken is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th March 2008, 2:27 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 3,430
Quote:
Originally Posted by shanny View Post
Me and my bf have been together for about 9 months. It's been a very rocky 9 months (you'll know if you read my other posts). Well everything is going fairly smoothly for now but he never compliments me anymore. The thing that bothers me the most is that I get compliments everywhere I go (I know that sounds conceited... I swear I'm really not). People tell me I'm hot or pretty and my bf used to do that. I just want him to appreciate me. There are other things that people compliment me on too, like about my values... you know, the things that make me who I am (like being a vegetarian animal rights activist and proud doggy mommy). He doesn't even seem to notice my best traits anymore.

And even more annoying is that he is sooo quick to mention a hot girl on TV or something. I asked him if he still thinks I'm hot and he said of course. I told him that he doesn't tell me anymore and he apologized. That was like two weeks ago and not once since then has he complimented me. Has this happened to anyone else? Do you think he does appreciate me but just assumes that I know it or do you think the novelty has worn off for him? Now I'm not the type of girl that needs compliments constantly, but it would be nice to know my bf thinks I'm sexy. It's only been 9 months!
Do you really need to be complimented that often? Are you that insecure? I think he assumes after telling you every day for close to 9 months that you're hot, that you would believe him and know he thinks that. My ex used to get on my case about this and it was a little ridiculous.

How often do YOU compliment HIM?
__________________


"I always assumed you were taller, and built like a quarterback" -Star Gazer
Phateless is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th March 2008, 4:58 PM   #4
Established Member
 
shanny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: PA
Posts: 301
Thanks prairiechicken... it's good to know I'm not the only one! And phateless... I am insecure. The thing that gets me the most is how he can say so many other girls are hot and I just want to hear it about me. The thing that worries me is that he is very selfish and fickle and I'm scared that he's bored with me. You could be right though... he said it a lot at the beginning. Maybe he thinks that he said it enough. I used to get dressed and he would tell me if an outfit looks hot. Now I can put on the sexiest thing and he doesn't say anything about this. It's just scary thinking that the novelty has already worn off. It's only been nine months. And I do compliment him a lot. I think he is even more gorgeous than the day I met him. Hopefully he feels the same...

Thanks again for your advice!
shanny is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th March 2008, 5:42 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 3,430
Quote:
Originally Posted by shanny View Post
Thanks prairiechicken... it's good to know I'm not the only one! And phateless... I am insecure. The thing that gets me the most is how he can say so many other girls are hot and I just want to hear it about me. The thing that worries me is that he is very selfish and fickle and I'm scared that he's bored with me. You could be right though... he said it a lot at the beginning. Maybe he thinks that he said it enough. I used to get dressed and he would tell me if an outfit looks hot. Now I can put on the sexiest thing and he doesn't say anything about this. It's just scary thinking that the novelty has already worn off. It's only been nine months. And I do compliment him a lot. I think he is even more gorgeous than the day I met him. Hopefully he feels the same...

Thanks again for your advice!
I don't think the novelty has worn off, I think he's probably just feeling pressured and sick of constantly babysitting your insecurities. I'm not trying to be harsh or mean, just honest. My ex did this to me and it drove me up the wall. It was like she was constantly setting traps for me so that she could reserve the right to be mad at me at any time.

You need to learn to tell the difference between intuition, logical thought, and insecurities. Your "theories" about why he doesn't compliment are all driven by insecurities and may not have any bearing on reality.

Insecurity is VERY unattractive to me. I don't want a girl whose emotions I have to tiptoe around all the time. NOT FUN!

Next time he says another girl is hot, notice the thoughts you say to yourself, and then point out to yourself that they are simply not true and it's only your insecurities talking. Then make a conscious decision that it's safe to ignore those thoughts and try to prevent them from affecting any of your actions. Over time, it improves.

Next time he says "she's hot," instead of asking if she's hotter than you (WRONG ANSWER!!) say "yeah she is, want me to get her number for you? " and laugh it off. Be playful and confident. That's much more attractive.
Phateless is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th March 2008, 6:07 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 140
From what I've been told, the physical novelty wears off a lot quicker than nine months. It's not something I can understand completely as a woman -- like you, I find my SO even more attractive now than when we were first dating. Our physical attraction is intensified through our emotional connection, and continued exposure doesn't weaken it, it strengthens it. For guys, the default seems to be that continued exposure weakens primal attraction.

As far as I can tell, it's not so much that they've become complacent now that they've snagged you, as prairiechicken says -- that would be assuming that the reason that they were complimenting you earlier on in the relationship was to 'snag' you. Guys in my experience just aren't that calculated with their compliments. If they say "You look hot", it's because, well, they thought you looked hot. If they stop telling you that they're attracted to you, it's probably pretty straightforward -- he's just not as stimulated visually by you like he was in the beginning, on the primal level. Not because you're any less attractive. But guys are visual creatures who are stimulated by visual variety. It wouldn't matter if you were the most gorgeous woman on the planet.

I think the fading compliments issue -- which comes up time and time again on these boards -- is just a cover for the deeper issue, that of fading attraction. Telling him to give you more compliments isn't going to make him more attracted to you, which is, at heart, what you actually want. Even if he obliged by complimenting you more often, it wouldn't work unless he actually meant them. What I believe you want is, not for him to just pay you more compliments, but for him to pay attention to the beauty that you possess, like you do for him, and making you not feel taken for granted. It's a rare guy who seems to be able to do that past the initial externally stimulated stage.
blackbird is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th March 2008, 8:27 PM   #7
Former Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 3,831
Quote:
Originally Posted by prairiechicken View Post
and I made the mistake of allowing a couple of guy friends to jump on my weakness and kiss me because I was in such a messed up state. However, I ended my behaviour, never told my boyfriend (to spare him and his feelings),

A reason for this is that guys tend to get comfortable fast after they've won your affections, and don't think it's necessary to tell you how hot or wonderful you are all the time anymore, because well, they finally have snagged you.
Not really. In my experience men have a much lower requirement for external validation. Therefore we tend to give it less. You see it more at the start because he is expressing how he feels. Once you already know... why should he have to tell you again... and again... and again. That is more how we guys think.

Now, how often do you compliment him?

And if you have not told him about making out with other guys (cheating) then you have not actually addressed the problem. Never build a relationship on lies! He deserves to know...
Cobra_X30 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2008, 12:35 AM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: North by Northeast
Posts: 8,498
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cobra_X30 View Post

And if you have not told him about making out with other guys (cheating) then you have not actually addressed the problem. Never build a relationship on lies! He deserves to know...
Yes, she cheated, but that was the result of the lack of attraction and/ affection her bf has shown to her. She was looking for fullfillment somewhere else. In this case we can't exactly place all the blame on her.

OP, you need to realize that what you're feeling right now stems mostly from insecurities. Yes, its frustrating when it seems your SO has become distant in regards to your physical beauties, in fact, thats one of the main insecurities dealt by women, but you do not need him to validate you. You, yourself know how beautiful you are, so don't you forget that. So he doesn't give compliments to you? No biggie. Compliment how attractive that guy is in the commercial, see how he likes it.
xpaperxcutx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2008, 2:02 AM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 9,662
There are two reasons:

Quote:
Originally Posted by shanny View Post
Me and my bf have been together for about 9 months. It's been a very rocky 9 months
This is one reason.

Quote:
proud doggy mommy
Is that your doggy in your avatar?

Quote:
And even more annoying is that he is sooo quick to mention a hot girl on TV or something.
He is apparently passive-aggressive and this is the other reason. But it's related to the first one as he is punishing you for the things from the past through this behavior. He could also be very insecure (all P/A people are), especially since you're hot - and that's his way of punishing you for being better than him. Why he used to do that at the beginning (all P/A people are very sweet at first) is because you were still a challenge and he wanted to conquer you. Also, the relationship was not yet so frustrating for him and his ego.
__________________
If one can let go, one can move forward -Jerbear

Sharing laughs and good times doesn't make up for a solid foundation - Fluorescent
RecordProducer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2008, 7:45 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Boston
Posts: 918
Quote:
Originally Posted by xpaperxcutx View Post
Yes, she cheated, but that was the result of the lack of attraction and/ affection her bf has shown to her. She was looking for fullfillment somewhere else. In this case we can't exactly place all the blame on her.
What does this have to do with whether she owes it to her boyfriend to let him have the decision of whether he wants to be with a cheating girlfriend or not? But regardless her insecurities, and problems in the relationship are her responsibility too not just his, but her cheating is all her problem.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shannie View Post
And even more annoying is that he is sooo quick to mention a hot girl on TV or something. I asked him if he still thinks I'm hot and he said of course. I told him that he doesn't tell me anymore and he apologized. That was like two weeks ago and not once since then has he complimented me. Has this happened to anyone else? Do you think he does appreciate me but just assumes that I know it or do you think the novelty has worn off for him? Now I'm not the type of girl that needs compliments constantly, but it would be nice to know my bf thinks I'm sexy. It's only been 9 months! .
If these things bother you , you should speak up more, and stand up for yourself more. I think its pretty rude to talk about other attractive people when your bf/gf is around. But about him complimenting you all the time,why do you think you need him to do this? Do you have reasonable reasons for you to doubt his feelings( maybe you do idk).

Last edited by BUENG1; 6th March 2008 at 7:49 AM..
BUENG1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2008, 9:05 AM   #11
Established Member
 
shanny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: PA
Posts: 301
Recordproducer... I'm also a proud kitty mommy but failed to mention it... Sorry to my beautfiul cats!
shanny is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2008, 9:09 AM   #12
Established Member
 
shanny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: PA
Posts: 301
Thank you all for your replies... I've been thinking about this and I think the reason may be that we have grow apart through the rockiness of our relationship... the lies, the cheating (all on his part... I am one of those idiots who stays with a jerk because I "love" or maybe I'm just infatuated with him... sigh).

I've tried making comments about guys on TV but it doesn't seem to bother him. I'm thinking that the reason is the too much damage has been done.
shanny is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th March 2008, 5:19 PM   #13
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Wacko, Texas
Posts: 359
Quote:
Originally Posted by xpaperxcutx View Post
Yes, she cheated, but that was the result of the lack of attraction and/ affection her bf has shown to her. She was looking for fullfillment somewhere else. In this case we can't exactly place all the blame on her.

OP, you need to realize that what you're feeling right now stems mostly from insecurities. Yes, its frustrating when it seems your SO has become distant in regards to your physical beauties, in fact, thats one of the main insecurities dealt by women, but you do not need him to validate you. You, yourself know how beautiful you are, so don't you forget that. So he doesn't give compliments to you? No biggie. Compliment how attractive that guy is in the commercial, see how he likes it.
There's absolutely, positively, under no circumstance, ANY excuse for cheating. Ever. No good reason. No explaining it away. If your relationship is SO BAD that you contemplate cheating, then end it and move on.

She cheated. Kissing someone is cheating.

Now, every guy should know that their girlfriend/wife NEEDS to be complimented. They should also keep their mouths shut when Jennifer Anisten walks across the TV. You should bring up those issues with him, but he should know you kissed other guys, too, ESPECIALLY if he knows them. Better he find out from you than someone else. You owe him that much.
NuTuDating is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th March 2008, 6:52 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Walk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: sub-surface
Posts: 4,262
Interesting discussion.

I want to get this straight first... The relationship is very rocky and it's only been 9 months. You kissed another guy. And you're upset that your bf doesn't notice your great assets anymore. Is that about correct?

I think if I were you, I would work on re-building the relationship into something more solid first. Shore up the foundation, work on building the connection between the two of you. Create a positive atmosphere where the two of you can calmly discuss issues and resolve them.

But the lack of compliments is (in my experience) a symptom of a deeper issue. And asking for more won't get you the results you want.

Anway... next time your bf says something about another woman, fling your panties in his face.

You'll have his full attention after that.
Walk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th March 2008, 7:04 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Replicant's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 424
At nine months you really should know how he feels and not constantly have to reassure you of such. Not you using your neediness as an excuse to emotionally bail on the relationship and using cheating as a basis to satisfy those needs elsewhere.
Replicant is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Compliments Sand&Water Dating 6 25th January 2008 3:34 PM
No Compliments csfong007 Dating 41 6th July 2006 1:56 AM
Lack of compliments, etc. muffin General Relationship Discussion 3 20th October 2004 7:21 PM
Compliments moimeme Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being 14 3rd October 2003 1:59 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:14 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.