My wife does not think her married coworker hit on her...

[FeelingBetrayed]

My wife has been involved in an emotional affair with a married coworker for about 5 months. She does not think I should be upset with her, that she wants to continue their "friendship".

I warned her several months ago to be wary of any guy who shows an inordinate effort at friendship, and that he may have other motives. She dismissed this because "he's a really nice guy", and she doesn't believe that he does.

In spite of my warning, she revealed to me (after my prying it out of her) that one night after work he told her that they "needed to talk", and proceeded to tell her that he had feelings for her. He played it well, as he said things like "we can't do anything, we're both married", that if they were in a different place and time... etc.

This to me, a 40 year old guy, was clearly him "Making a play" for her. I believe he said the things about not wanting to be more than friends to allow an out for himself should she react with shock or threaten to tell his wife. Unfortunately, my wife saw this as a "sweet thing to do", and to this day does not see it as an indication of alterior motives on his part.

Needless to say, our marriage has become strained, she's upset with me for being upset with her lies and deceit, and still refuses to recognize what that initial "talk" was all about.

She seems to have him on a pedastal and can't seem to break free though she says she wants to rebuild and restore our marriage.

Can anyone help? I feel as if she could see him in another light, that what he did Was in fact a play, that her opinion of him might change, and make it easier to leave him behind for our sake.

Is there any way he wasn't hitting on her?

[squeak]

When a *friend* lets on that they have any intentions whatsoever that are romantically inclined, or sexual in nature-that's it-time to terminate.

 

Your wife-is counteracting this by playing the "if I don't admit that 's what it was on his part, then I can continue being friends with him" scenario.

 

So....what to do.

You can:

beg, plead, cajole/try to get her to admit he was being inappropriate to which she will purse her lips and say "no, that's not what it was!"

 

Or, you can start wondering to yourself-why won't she admit this is what is going on and is insisting on continuing the friendship?

 

She is being really disrespectful to you. A "sweet thing to do"....

 

Why don't you just let her and him have eachother since she is so insistent on trying to make you believe the lies. What happened to respecting your wishes and taking into consideration how you feel?

 

What does she say about that? Tell her if she feels the need to turn away from what is making you uncomfortable, for good reason, then you need to re-evaluate if you both have the same values, as you would not want to be with someone who is choosing an inappropriate friendship over the sanctity of your marriage, your well being, and consequently disrespecting you.

[reboot]

Tell you wife to come talk to me. My wife and I had very similar situation. She wouldn't listen either. She wound up having a PA with him. You play with fire and usually you get burned.

[FeelingBetrayed]

She has admitted that her feelings for him have grown stronger the last few months. I'm afraid she's going to end doing something really stupid and irreversible...

[FeelingBetrayed]

reboot,

can you share some specifics of your situaton. I'm hoping that maybe if she can get some insight from someone other than me she may see it more clearly...

[reboot]

can you share some specifics of your situaton.

I'd be glad to. What did you want to know exactly? I'm not trying to sound trite or anything, but the entire story would be quite long, and I doubt you'd be interested in that much detail. Could you narrow down a bit what you're interested in hearing about?

[FeelingBetrayed]

How did her affair start? Was it a friendship? What did it take for her to finally realize that it needed to end?

[dbtmarley]

FeelingBetrayed,

 

Very fitting name by the way. Stories like yours get under my skin. You know, why do the ones we love most put us through this. Your wife, in my opinion, has a good idea of what this guy's intentions are. She is playing on your doubts because you want to give her the benefit of the doubt. This whole situation is making you feel uncomfortable and that is wrong. Dude... if I was you there would be some ass kicking going on at her job. I would be practicing helping the guy swallow a fist if you know what I mean.... You are a much better person than me though... I am sorry I couldn't offer you anything other than.... man I am sorry your wife is putting you through this...

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, do you think she would be so accepting and understanding as you have been? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I would have a little talk with him. Your wife know now he has strong feelings for her and in the past months she said her feelings for him have grown. What are you doing about this? It sounds like you are taking notes while she slowly is heading for an affair. Again one more time: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

[Cobra_X30]

How did her affair start? Was it a friendship? What did it take for her to finally realize that it needed to end?

 

Feeling,

 

I think maybe you should learn from the mistakes of others. Think of this as a test. Your wife is testing your boundaries to see what you will put up with. Kind of like are you willing to fight for her.

 

Draw your line in the sand now! Draw it here! Otherwise she will continue to push.

 

Tell her to quit her job, cut contact with this man or your marriage is over! If she wants to work on the marriage thats great! If not... tell her to F*** Off!

 

Women are attracted to strength! Not little pansy guys that arent willing to put a foot down!

[Phateless]

You need to have her watch "I think i love my wife". She does not see it because she does not want to. I am seriously pissed off at your wife right now after just reading it. She likes the attention and is being completely selfish here.

 

I would take her ass straight marriage counseling... and tell your wife that SHE can pick out the counselor, that way she won't have an excuse to disregard the professional opinion.

[Tripper]

Feeling, the previous posts are excellent and I agree with them,

 

Theres another thread started by a woman that could be your wife asking the same thing; you may want to check it out.

 

WTF is she acting this way and defending this guy if it makes you feel uncomfortable?? Committed spouses don't do this to each other. Is she genuinely naive??

 

I'd have it out with her about this and nip this in the bud before she does something stupid that you both will regret and be hurt by.

[Phateless]

Feeling, the previous posts are excellent and I agree with them,

 

Theres another thread started by a woman that could be your wife asking the same thing; you may want to check it out.

 

WTF is she acting this way and defending this guy if it makes you feel uncomfortable?? Committed spouses don't do this to each other. Is she genuinely naive??

 

I'd have it out with her about this and nip this in the bud before she does something stupid that you both will regret and be hurt by.

 

The way she's acting about it already counts as a MAJOR red flag... I would be shocked if I were you. I already don't trust this woman.

[reboot]

How did her affair start? Was it a friendship?

How to keep this short and to the point... I'm not sure if that's possible...

 

The guy was actually the brother of one of her childhood girlfriends and she had known him since she was 12 or something. She ran into him a few years back, hadn't seen him in, I dunno, 20 some odd years. In any case, it was way before we got married when she'd last seen him (there had never been anything romantic between them way back then).

 

I'm pretty confident the beginnings of this thing were really innocent. They were just two people that went way back, shooting the breeze, sharing memories, "remember when we rode our bikes to such and such place" and "remember when so and so slipped and skinned her knee". I can imagine, I'd been there a couple of times myself when I'd run into old friends. He came over to our house several times early on, met me, sat around with us. He called her sometimes, she never tried to hide it. I trusted my wife completely and never thought a thing about it.

 

Then we got to a very bad place in our marriage. It had nothing to do with him. Some people will read this and say "riiiight", but it really didn't. I'll spare you all the gory details, but we had several things go wrong all at once. Extended family problems, job problems, a child that got into some big trouble... Not only was our marriage at a bad place, but we were each at a bad place personally too.

 

And then, like so many couples before us, instead of turning to each other, we turned away. I threw myself into "fixing" everything (god it sucks to be a man sometimes, we always have to "fix" everything, it's ingrained in us I guess). I didn't include her, I didn't want or need her help, hell, I blamed her for most of it. And she blamed me. And the sad part is a lot of it wasn't really either of our faults, it was just life standing up and slapping us in the face. It happens to everyone sooner or later.

 

And she turned to her "friend". He had had an accident and couldn't drive, so he started asking her to take him places. To the doctor, the grocery store, the pharmacy. And that didn't ring any alarm bells for me. But then the phone calls started being private, she would go into another room and shut the door rather than talk in front of me, and the errands started taking longer.

 

I truely believe that, at this point, she was just getting an emotional "fix" that I either wasn't able or willing to give her then. But it was getting way past making me uncomfortable, so I talked to her about it. I told her it was getting out of line. But she said no, I was wrong, he wasn't like that, and even if he was, she wasn't. She was very strong in her conviction that it would not happen to her. She just wasn't built that way. I tried to tell her, we all have our weak spots and no one is immune. But she wouldn't listen.

 

And people started telling me things, things they'd heard him say. It was pretty obvious from his actions and these things he said to these other people what his agenda was. He was a predator pure and simple. I found out later she wasn't the first, and probably not the last either. But I could never get her to see it.

 

Anyway, I suppose the rest isn't hard to guess. She played with fire, she got burned.

 

I scroll back and read all this, and I appologize. I certainly didn't mean for it to be so long, and, believe it or not, I've left an awful lot of it out. I guess I just couldn't bear to merely say, "yeah, my wife had this friend and decided to screw him".

 

You make your wife read this. There's a message here for her. It CAN happen to you. It can happen to any of us. A fight with the spouse, a drink with the "buddy", and suddenly your life is changed forever. The ONLY way to be sure is to NEVER put yourself into a position where it can happen. Might as well decide right now if it's likely to be worth it.

 

What did it take for her to finally realize that it needed to end?

When I confronted her with proof and she knew that he had to go or her marriage was over. And for whatever it's worth, she made that decision immediately and with no hesitation.

[Cobra_X30]

Reboot,

 

I think I understand you better now.

 

Since we are sharing, and it relates to the topic at hand... Do you want me to tell you why you sound like my dad?

[JosieMcCoy]

OMG! He sounds like my dad too!!!

Tell us Reboot!!!

[reboot]

Reboot,

 

I think I understand you better now.

 

Since we are sharing, and it relates to the topic at hand... Do you want me to tell you why you sound like my dad?

Sure, lay it on me.

[reboot]

Do you want me to tell you why you sound like my dad?

 

He sounds like my dad too!!!

You guys are making me nervous. I did NOT have sex with those women! [/bill Clinton]

[Cobra_X30]

Sure, lay it on me.

 

My Mom started a new job when I was about 13. It wasnt too long before she started becoming good friends with her boss. He and his wife would come over and have dinner. Thier kids were about the same age so it was fun for me.

 

Evidently they started having lunches together. Staying late after work to finish projects... ect. To this day I dont really know what started the fighting. I just remember my parents yelling at each other all the time. Then I remember my mom always badmouthing dad to me. Telling me he is bad at this... bad at that. They really started to spend thier time seperately. This lasted at least a year.

 

At 16, my parents had kind of put things back together for the last 8 months or so. I had just gotten my license and I left a schoolbook in my moms car the day before. So I stopped by her office to get it from her car. When I went in to get the key from her I saw her boss giving her a backrub. Suddenly all the puzzle pieces fit in my head. I knew exactly what was going on.

 

Sick thing is... the first person I blamed was my dad. I kept thinking to myself... he has to know... and chooses to do nothing. About 2 weeks I dropped hints to both parents. My dad just didnt want to see the truth.

 

Took me a month to really get angry with my mom. When that anger hit, it was like a volcanoe... and its still erupting 12 years later!

 

There, that's more of the story than I have ever told in one place!

[reboot]

Cobra, sometimes we choose to deceive ourselves when the truth is too painful. Your dad was probably doing that. He shares no blame for what your mom did.

 

It's sad how people get caught up in these relationships and never stop to consider their kids. But don't hate your mother. Just because she made some horrible decisions doesn't automatically make her a horrible person. I'm not trying to minimize what she did, it was obviously very tramatic to you, but life is way too short to let yourself be consumed with hatred.

[reboot]

FeelingBetrayed,

 

By the way, I don't know if the Mods do this here, but you might consider asking one of them if they'd move this thread over to the Marriage or Infidelity Forum. You posted it under the Dating forum, and I fear some of the better advice givers for this kind of topic won't see your thread here.

[Cobra_X30]

Cobra, sometimes we choose to deceive ourselves when the truth is too painful. Your dad was probably doing that. He shares no blame for what your mom did.

 

It's sad how people get caught up in these relationships and never stop to consider their kids. But don't hate your mother. Just because she made some horrible decisions doesn't automatically make her a horrible person. I'm not trying to minimize what she did, it was obviously very tramatic to you, but life is way too short to let yourself be consumed with hatred.

 

Oh, I hate my mom for more than this! There are things that happened before and things that happend after that justify it.

 

Dispise is perhaps a better word.

 

FeelingBetrayed,

 

By the way, I don't know if the Mods do this here, but you might consider asking one of them if they'd move this thread over to the Marriage or Infidelity Forum. You posted it under the Dating forum, and I fear some of the better advice givers for this kind of topic won't see your thread here.

 

I fear your correct on this reboot!

[bestadvisor]

She has admitted that her feelings for him have grown stronger the last few months. I'm afraid she's going to end doing something really stupid and irreversible...

 

She said that her feelings for him has grown stronger? When a spouse said something like that to his/her own spouse, it's usually a done deal, meaning that something irreversible has happened already.

 

There are tons of posts on this board and other boards with almost the exact phrase and months later, the betrayed spouse find out that his/her spouse has gotten physical already before those words were spoken. Those words were spoken usually right after the "event" happened and they will deny and deny and will come clean (usually) only when you present them undeniable evidence.