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He has Lunch with his coworker and recently they had dinner together!


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

Old 30th October 2007, 5:04 PM   #1
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He has Lunch with his coworker and recently they had dinner together!

I have been dating my bf for 3 years. He has never done anything that would make me think he would cheat. However, we met while we worked together (for 1 year) we started going out for lunches and dinners and then started dating. We had a female mutual friend who also had a bf in the office. Well, i no longer work there. Our female mutual friend no longer goes out with her boyfriend ( who is also a coworker). THey work in 2 different offices and whenever she comes up to my bf's office they go out for Lunch! I am not jealous of her, and actually we get along well when we are together at their company functions. We went to a baseball game a few weeks ago, and the female coworker was complaing about her back hurting, so my bf went over and picked her up to crack it, in front of me and her x-boyfriend, I thought that was weird! but it didnt really bother me. she then talked to me for awhile about her break up with her bf which she works with (her bf is also my bf friend from work) and that he doesnt know what he wants!

To get to the point of my drama! my bf calls me up and says hes going out to dinner with this female coworker. I said what happened to not having lunch together? he said that she came up late to his office and decided to dinner together after work! this kinda rubbed me the wrong way! anyhows he calls me later after this dinner of theirs and doesnt mention anything about the dinner. So i kinda flippped out, i said how can you tell me your going out for dinner with her and then NOT tell me how dinner went? so he starting telling me how this female coworker was just talking about her xbf for 1 hour (which is also their coworker) and that her and her xbf still hang out and have sex but arent together! My BF said that i have nothing to worry about it especially her!

Im 26 and my bf is 30. Why would this female mutual coworker be talking to my bf about her relationship problems with her current on off again exbf who is their coworker?? why cant she talk about her problems with her girlfriends?
i also asked if he paid for dinner and he said no, so i went to text her with did he pay for dinner? and she said no she gave him cash.

Overall, i really dont know how to react to this dinner, im fine with them having lunches,,,, but if they continue having dinners after work i will get worried (this was the first time he told me about going to dinner with her). I tried to keep my calm so this way if they do go out again for lunch or dinner, my bf can tell me without thinking i will get mad. I also told my bf that perhaps I should ask out his coworker/her xbf to dinner and he didnt like that idea to much lol!

Any advice or help would be appreciated! I am 26 and i dont like drama. I am secure, and independent. But i dont want to be with someone who goes out for lunches all the time when this female friend is at his office!
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Old 30th October 2007, 5:26 PM   #2
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Do you and your bf live together?

You say they have lunch together whenever she comes to his office? How often is that? Is she just coming to have lunch with him or does she have professional reasons for coming too (either at his office or a neighiboring one)?

The dinner thing could be fishy, I suppose, but if it just happened once, I'm not sure it's a big deal.

I think as long as your bf is telling you about these incidents, they're probably innocent. I think you would have more to worry about if he was sneaking around.

You say she's a mutual friend. Could you talk to her directly about your concerns? I guess I can't tell from your story if you just feel she's overstepping boundaries by having lunch with your BF, but you are ok with all three of you being friends, or if you feel that now that she's not dating the friend who worked in your bf's office there is no reason to continue to be friends.
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Old 30th October 2007, 5:27 PM   #3
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Sorry I don't understand the issue. They are friends and they had dinner together - so what?! Either you trust your b/f or you don't. If you do - there is no problem. If you don't there are more fundamental issues in your relationship.

I never understand these posts! Granted we are way older that you two but my b/f and I give each other plenty of room. He knows I have lots of guy friends, and if appropriate I include him in the invitations, if not, I don't. Similarly he has lots of girl friends with whom he spends time.

I figure if he wants to be with me, he will be, and if he doesn't then who cares (of course I care, but I cannot control it). He knows how I feel about cheating and lying - it is a non starter for me, and if it happens we are over. And I expect to have to live by the same rules in his eyes.

Forget about the other woman - work on your relationship!
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Old 30th October 2007, 5:29 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Illiandra View Post
I have been dating my bf for 3 years. He has never done anything that would make me think he would cheat. However, we met while we worked together (for 1 year) we started going out for lunches and dinners and then started dating. We had a female mutual friend who also had a bf in the office. Well, i no longer work there. Our female mutual friend no longer goes out with her boyfriend ( who is also a coworker). THey work in 2 different offices and whenever she comes up to my bf's office they go out for Lunch! I am not jealous of her, and actually we get along well when we are together at their company functions. We went to a baseball game a few weeks ago, and the female coworker was complaing about her back hurting, so my bf went over and picked her up to crack it, in front of me and her x-boyfriend, I thought that was weird! but it didnt really bother me. she then talked to me for awhile about her break up with her bf which she works with (her bf is also my bf friend from work) and that he doesnt know what he wants!

To get to the point of my drama! my bf calls me up and says hes going out to dinner with this female coworker. I said what happened to not having lunch together? he said that she came up late to his office and decided to dinner together after work! this kinda rubbed me the wrong way! anyhows he calls me later after this dinner of theirs and doesnt mention anything about the dinner. So i kinda flippped out, i said how can you tell me your going out for dinner with her and then NOT tell me how dinner went? so he starting telling me how this female coworker was just talking about her xbf for 1 hour (which is also their coworker) and that her and her xbf still hang out and have sex but arent together! My BF said that i have nothing to worry about it especially her!

Im 26 and my bf is 30. Why would this female mutual coworker be talking to my bf about her relationship problems with her current on off again exbf who is their coworker?? why cant she talk about her problems with her girlfriends?
i also asked if he paid for dinner and he said no, so i went to text her with did he pay for dinner? and she said no she gave him cash.

Overall, i really dont know how to react to this dinner, im fine with them having lunches,,,, but if they continue having dinners after work i will get worried (this was the first time he told me about going to dinner with her). I tried to keep my calm so this way if they do go out again for lunch or dinner, my bf can tell me without thinking i will get mad. I also told my bf that perhaps I should ask out his coworker/her xbf to dinner and he didnt like that idea to much lol!

Any advice or help would be appreciated! I am 26 and i dont like drama. I am secure, and independent. But i dont want to be with someone who goes out for lunches all the time when this female friend is at his office!

Have you expressed to him that this is bothering you?

The way I see it she needs someone to talk to about the break up and since her ex and your guy are friends she can get info from him?

OR

Her friendship with your guy is her only connection ( keeps her in the loop ) with her ex..

Regardless..this would rub me the wrong way but if you trust your bf you shouldn't worry about it. I would first just bring it up to him and let him know it's something that bothers you and see what his reaction is.
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Old 30th October 2007, 5:33 PM   #5
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it would bother me....

Maybe its because Im younger then but it would definitely bother me. If the relationship with you started out as having lunches, and then some dinners and then you started dating then it would bother me that he takes her out for lunches, now hes taking her out for dinner......Im not saying that hes cheating as I dont know you guys and your relationship. All Im saying is that it would bother me. You are justified in your concern.
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Old 30th October 2007, 5:47 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heatherd1201 View Post
If the relationship with you started out as having lunches, and then some dinners and then you started dating then it would bother me that he takes her out for lunches, now hes taking her out for dinner......Im not saying that hes cheating as I dont know you guys and your relationship. All Im saying is that it would bother me. You are justified in your concern.
I think we need to be careful how this is phrased. It doesn't sound like he's "taking her out" for lunches or for dinners. They mutually decide to meet for lunch (I'm assuming each pays their own share). And the dinner happened only once, in lieu of a planned lunch that was rescheduled. He didn't pay for her. They met as friends and each paid their own share.

I think the initial phase of most relationships starts off with eating together at restaurants, but that doesn't mean that every time you eat with another person at a restaurant that it's a date.

I think if it bothers you, just talk about it with your BF in a calm moment.
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Old 30th October 2007, 5:47 PM   #7
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I do not live together with him. She comes up to his office about once every two weeks for training, she does something with a different dept between the two offices. I was only friends with her when we worked in different offices but same company. Her x-bf works in the same office as hers so she still hangs out with her xman and still has sex with him. My concern is why does she have to tell these things to my bf??

My BF reaction is that he said that i do not trust him. I do trust him, but females who are just getting through a break up tend to flock to other guys either for advice and or comfort. So i dont feel comfortable talking to her about it. I just asked her who paid, is all.

I feel uncomfortable with him calling me up after the dinner and not mentioning it until i mentioned something about. Usually when we go out with out each other we say how the night went....
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Old 30th October 2007, 6:11 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Illiandra View Post
I do not live together with him. She comes up to his office about once every two weeks for training, she does something with a different dept between the two offices. I was only friends with her when we worked in different offices but same company. Her x-bf works in the same office as hers so she still hangs out with her xman and still has sex with him. My concern is why does she have to tell these things to my bf??
I understand that you feel uncomfortable with the situation. But, IMO, I don't think there is anything going on between them. Getting together for lunch once every couple of weeks based on a training schedule seems legitimate.

I understand that you don't like her talking about her sex-life with your BF. But, honestly, I wonder if she doesn't have anything else to talk to him about? I mean, it sounds like she's hung up on her ex and I suspect the pp was right that talking with you BF is a way for her to hang on to the ex. I agree that it's pretty tacky and annoying, but I don't think you have to worry that your BF is going to want to start dating her. I would actually think it's a turn-off that all they have in common is her relationship problem with this one particular guy.

I have friends/acquaintances (mostly work related) that I am not terribly close to, don't see very often, and when I do, we tend to have the same conversations over and over again. So, it may be that she thinks of your bf as her friend that she eats lunch with when she has to come up for training every couple of weeks. The fact that rehashing her failed relationship seems to be the only thing they have to talk about indicates that their friendship is NOT getting deeper.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Illiandra View Post
My BF reaction is that he said that i do not trust him. I do trust him, but females who are just getting through a break up tend to flock to other guys either for advice and or comfort. So i dont feel comfortable talking to her about it. I just asked her who paid, is all.
But if you trust him, it doesn't matter if she wants comfort. He won't cross a line with you to give it to her. Trust is all or nothing. You either trust him or you don't. And if you have doubts, you don't trust him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Illiandra View Post
I feel uncomfortable with him calling me up after the dinner and not mentioning it until i mentioned something about. Usually when we go out with out each other we say how the night went....
He may have felt awkward about bringing it up since you had shown you were uncomfortable with it. Also, I bet the details of how their dinner went were much more interesting to you than they were to him.

I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about in terms of him cheating on you. But, since it bothers you, you and he will need to find a way to work this out. And that will probably involve some compromises on both your parts (for example, no more dinners, but the lunches may continue. But maybe you could come along on some of those?).
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Old 30th October 2007, 11:26 PM   #9
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She's showing your bf that she's casual with sex and probably wants him too. I wouldn't trust a woman who would bring up her sex life with a "platonic" friend. But do you trust your husband?

And yeah? What's the reasons for all the dinners? I don't see anything but red flags here and if your bf can't control himself enough to say NO to dinner, then how do you think he will be able to control any other intense urges that come afterwards?
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Old 1st November 2007, 9:35 AM   #10
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I don't want to alarm you but you should keep an eye on them. My ex started out just casually talking to an old friend (who I thought was my casual friend as well) and I didnt have a problem with them talking on the phone about once a week or so. He never hung out with her when I wasn't around (he always invited me) but she was much like your bf's coworker who had gone thru a break up and was telling her stories to my bf and eventually started calling him with all of her problems. Well he ended up leaving me for her because he felt an emotional connection and was flattered that she was into him. The whole time she was falling for my bf she acted like my friend even when I had concerns she assured me that she had no intentions of hooking up with him. Ha! that was a lie.

I have male friends that are strictly platonic but I've been friends with them for years and if I"m dating someone I always give that person the option of being included when I want to go somewhere with my either of my male friends. I think you should ask to be included in these dinners just so you can see for yourself what the vibe is between your bf and this girl.
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