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porn as cheating?


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tourjoursperdue

alright, i'm new to this site. very new, as a matter of fact. but i have some questions i need answers to, and my boyfriend can't give me any.

 

the situation, as it stands, is this:

my bf and i have been living together for about 5 months. before i moved in, we sat down and talked about anything that may bother either of us. he's not the jealous type, but i am. i mentioned that i have a problem with porn. i view it as cheating. even though i'd done some modeling on fetish sites in my past.

 

he said it was alright, because while he's looked at it, he spent a lot of time single, and it was to just fill in when he needed extra stimulation. and i was alright with it, mostly cause he swore to stop.

 

then i put away some things in the bathroom cupboard, and found his stash of mags. while he was away at work, i was looking for a movie, and he had a stack of burned porn mixed in with some others.

 

so i brought it up again, and explained that i have no self esteem at all, and do see it as cheating. stimulation is stimulation, in my mind, be it physical, audio, or visual. he got rid of the mags, but not the movies. he said he wanted me to be around when he did that, as a sign of good faith.

 

then i went out of town for a week. i came back, and checked his computer, to find about 12 movies downloaded. i asked him about it, and he said he had an addiction spawned off of all the years of it. but it wasn't the same for him, because he was with me now. it didn't do anything for him.

 

a couple of months pass, and i go for work again. this time, for two weeks. the day before i leave, he asks if he can look it up while i'm gone. i hand him the letter i had written the months ago, try talking to him about it, and i thought we had come to a conclusion. he swore he wouldn't, that he'd gone longer without masterbating, and if it would upset me that much, he wouldn't. i threatened to have him tracked.

 

i came back, and was off for a week. it wasn't until almost a week later that i checked his deleted files. to see that he's downloaded more movies, and saved close to 2300 pics. i confronted him about it. and he said he couldn't see why i was so upset. it's just porn. there's no reason for it to upset me. like when he checks out other women when we're together. that shouldn't bother me either, because he's not actually doing anything with them.

 

but i don't understand why he should need to. he keeps telling me how pretty he thinks i am, and i'm more than willing to experiment with anything that intrests him. and the whole thing made me quite depressed. which he couldn't understand.

 

but on the same note, he doesn't want to lose me, so he says. i'm getting ready to switch jobs, one where i'll still be out of town every couple of weeks.

 

what can i do to make him understand just how much this hurts me? especially when all of his friends and even his mother thinks i'm over-reacting?

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LucreziaBorgia

He isn't stopping, because until now there have been no real consequences for his actions. He sees your hurt as a manageable risk for what he is doing. After all, your hurt isn't causing him to lose his relationship, so why should he stop? That sounds really cruel, but it is a very simple thing: if someone doesn't stand to lose something as a result of their actions, they will continue to do those actions. They will not stop for altruistic reasons like your "hurt" or "out of your best interests". He has to be threated with a very real loss before he will stop what he is doing. You'll have to let him know that you cannot tolerate porn in your relationship, and since he isn't stopping - then you have to leave him. Then, follow through. Cut off all means of communication with him and do not let him contact you. Do not contact him. If he wants you back, he has to give up the porn. Nothing short of something drastic like leaving him will open his eyes to that.

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He should get rid of you and find a woman that is more mature about this type of thing.

 

You shouldn't try to change who he is because of your own problems.

 

Personally, I think there is nothing wrong with looking at porn and as you yourself have said, your adversion to it is a result of your own low self-esteem.

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Trialbyfire

If you began your relationship with no discussion about this, then I think you're being controlling because if there's no addiction and no interaction, it's really not cheating.

 

But...

 

You gave him your boundaries at the beginning of your relationship. He agreed to those terms and conditions. He needs to abide by his words. No matter what the excuse, it's not acceptable. This isn't like you told him to stop eating for you. Porn is not a necessity in life. I agree with LB, shut him down.

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littlepiggy1

I had a previous g/f that at about 1.5 years into the relationship, asked me to stop looking at porn. Up to that point, she'd been okay with it--even to the point of picking out movies for us to watch herself. Eventually, though, her self-esteem got the better of her and she wanted me to stop. And I tried.

 

However, the minute I was no longer "allowed" to look at porn, I suddenly began to think about it that much more. It became almost a concious, all-consuming thing. In fact, I wonder if people's additiction to porn are driven by some sort of guilt-trip over not being "allowed" to use it rather than porn use in and of itself. And of course, it doesn't help that one can't disable their own sex drive (or would want to).

 

At any rate, I think that he is in the wrong because he agreed to the rules of the relationship, but can't abide by them. So you certainly are justified at being pissed at him. However, he needs to find someone who is more accepting of porn, because I really doubt that he will give it up based on what you have written.

 

At the same time, you need to either deal with your own insecurities so this sort of thing doesn't become an issue, or go on the quest for the elusive male that doesn't look at porn. Be forewarned, however, they are a rare breed.

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i have felt this same way,,but from your BF side.

 

you will never get an answer for why guys do it. it is just in our nature, you can never change that, unfortunately nearly 99% of all guys i know look at it and 80% of them do it while in a serious relationship.

 

many girls have this problem, you just need to know that it is not because he doesn't want you, yes he agreed in the begining but so did i so i know what happened.

 

men can not get used to something and suddenly get over it , we need variety. yes you may be the most gorgeous girl in the world but to men it is not about that.it is a way to have sex that is arrousing without actually involving anouther individual, but still feeling like someone is there.

 

for me my girl even took pictures nude for me and i still like them, but i like to switch it up , and i see nothing wrong with that. she told me to never look at it and i thought that would be fine. further down the line say 6 monthes i realized i was wanting to look at it , regardless we had a huge fight over it. i showed her what i had been looking at and she was comforted when she saw most of the women were redheads... she is a redhead. she later asked why i needed it i said i don't know, and i really didn't. i thought i had everything i need in a relationship.

 

maybe him looking at it isn't a bad thing .. if it keeps him from actaully doing it then i believe that is best.

 

ultimately it depends how much you can deal with but possiblky see if you can't find some porongraphic material that intrest you.

 

sorry if this is not dead on but i skimmed through what you wrote and the comments this is my understanding of your situation

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zilverenvlinder

Something I posted as a guest earlier this week that I think you should read.

 

 

 

Ladies,

 

Your insecurity towards your gentleman friends' viewing of pornography is going over the top. Yes, I am in a committed relationship, and yes, my boyfriend absolutely loves porn... and I will even admit that I am a jealous person.

 

All right, here goes. Scientifically speaking, women think of sex with their emotions, and men think of sex with visuals. This does not mean that your boyfriends necessarily want to have sex with all of the women that they're watching in the pornos. Do you notice that many times there are also MEN in these pornos? Do you think your boyfriends want to have sex with THEM? No! They enjoy the visuals of watching sex in the act! It doesn't mean that they think these women are better looking than you, or that they would rather be with them. If pornography is the least of your worries, I would count my blessings!

 

I mean, personally, as a woman, I'm really not all that into porn. I tried to watch it with my boyfriend once, but I just laughed the whole time and he got mad at me and told me I couldn't watch it with him anymore. ;- )

 

I mean, wouldn't you rather have them watch porn then go to bars and pick up women? Seriously.

 

If you're so worried about it, why don't you make your own porn? He'll probably watch that even more than the internet porn! (Not only is he watching sex acts, it's a huge ego boost because he's in them!)

 

Also, do you know that scientifically speaking, once again, men masturbate to pictures of hot women or pornos...but women can masturbate based purely on emotion? Think about it, ladies... when you do it, who do you think about? Your current, ex partner, or someone you have feelings for, right? Men don't usually do this! That's why they're visual!

 

Please, please, ladies...forgive your men for their pornography obsessions. Remember...they don't want to be with these women, they just want to watch them have sex. It's not a big deal.

 

I thought I was a jealous person coming on here, and I had just reasons...not just because my boyfriend watches porn! Please, ladies, hide your irrational insecurities from your poor significant others and give them a break!

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Jersey Shortie

Your insecurity towards your gentleman friends' viewing of pornography is going over the top.

 

 

In all seriousiness, who are you to tell someone what should and shouldn't bother them?

 

This does not mean that your boyfriends necessarily want to have sex with all of the women that they're watching in the pornos.

 

If you are telling that to yourself, you are lying to yourself. Why wouldn't a man want to have sex with a woman he found physcially hot? Of course he wants to have sex with the hot girl in it. He just can't because it isn't avaible to him. And then they feed their girlfriends bs lines about how they really wouldn't want to sleep with these girls so they can continue masturbating to it and having a real girlfriend.

 

 

 

 

Do you notice that many times there are also MEN in these pornos? Do you think your boyfriends want to have sex with THEM? No!

 

Ummm, if your boyfriend was thinking about sleeping with the men then he would be gay dearheart. That woudl be a different problem.

 

 

They enjoy the visuals of watching sex in the act! It doesn't mean that they think these women are better looking than you, or that they would rather be with them

 

I think it's both if we are to be completely honest here. If it was some ugly chick having sex they aren't going to get turned on by it. But if it makes yourself feel better to tell yourself that your boyfriend wouldn't want to sleep with a hot woman...go ahead.

 

 

 

I mean, wouldn't you rather have them watch porn then go to bars and pick up women? Seriously.

 

Seriously? If that is a woman's only options then that really speaks extremely poorly of men and their character.

 

 

If you're so worried about it, why don't you make your own porn? He'll probably watch that even more than the internet porn! (Not only is he watching sex acts, it's a huge ego boost because he's in them!)

 

I am down with that.

 

 

 

Please, please, ladies...forgive your men for their pornography obsessions. Remember...they don't want to be with these women, they just want to watch them have sex. It's not a big deal.

 

Yeah, men don't want to be with hot women who do kinky things. *roll eyes*. Riiiiiiiight. If they had a chance to be with one of those women they would in a heartbeat.

 

 

 

Please, ladies, hide your irrational insecurities from your poor significant others and give them a break!

 

I don't see anything irrational about a woman's insecurity in porn. These women are within a very limited age group, have perfect bodies, do crazy things, act like all they want to do is please a man, hair extentions and breast implants, and your boyfriend /so is jerking off to it regularly and women aren't suppose to in the least wonder how they fit into that? Yeah whatever.

 

If women were masturbating regularly to men with huge penises, made tons of money that they spent on a woman, 6ft tall and pretty much anything that a man might think a woman might want him for shallowly, I think men would begin to question themselves.

 

Why don't the guys give THEIR poor significant others a break.

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i agree with little piggy...

 

my boyfriend and i were hanging out watching the tube and i fell asleep on the couch. i wake up and to my surprise he is watching porn on tv!!! i was so upset, but he told me he did it because he felt like he was "getting away with something".

 

i didn't know how to deal because while i'd rather not THINK of him getting off to other women, i knew i couldn't do much about it. once again with little piggys advice, there aren't many guys that DONT watch porn so its hard to change that in someone. i agree with many people on here that it was his fault for agreeing even though he obviously wasn't prepared to give it up.

 

i am jealous of porn, but because i know there isn't much i can do, i try not to let it get to me. TRUST ME i have a terrible disgusting body and every naked women will look better than me, it bothers me A LOT! i even get upset when those damn girls gone wild commericials get on!!! but i can't let it show because its so stupid. guys were born like this.. they have this NEED .

 

PLUS, you said you were out of town for a week. i know ANY guy that is used to getting it on often with their SO will need to look at porn to get them off while their SO is gone. i haven't read it yet, and i definately will, but i suggest you read men are from mars, women are from venus. i think it will help me and help you.

 

GOOD LUCK!!

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I'd just let it go if I were you (and if you just can). We guys don't mean any harm by it but with internet, telly and all, we get tempted on a daily basis. Us watching porn doesn't usually mean anything, we just like the visuals just like checking out girls in real life. That doesn't mean we want to sleep with them.

 

And in many cases, the female libido can't match the male one so porn can be an easy way to get him off you for half an hour or so if you're not in the mood.

 

"A real man" might give this all up just for you but those are the good and rare ones.

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alright, i'm new to this site. very new, as a matter of fact. but i have some questions i need answers to, and my boyfriend can't give me any.

 

the situation, as it stands, is this:

my bf and i have been living together for about 5 months. before i moved in, we sat down and talked about anything that may bother either of us. he's not the jealous type, but i am. i mentioned that i have a problem with porn. i view it as cheating. even though i'd done some modeling on fetish sites in my past.

 

he said it was alright, because while he's looked at it, he spent a lot of time single, and it was to just fill in when he needed extra stimulation. and i was alright with it, mostly cause he swore to stop.

 

then i put away some things in the bathroom cupboard, and found his stash of mags. while he was away at work, i was looking for a movie, and he had a stack of burned porn mixed in with some others.

 

so i brought it up again, and explained that i have no self esteem at all, and do see it as cheating. stimulation is stimulation, in my mind, be it physical, audio, or visual. he got rid of the mags, but not the movies. he said he wanted me to be around when he did that, as a sign of good faith.

 

then i went out of town for a week. i came back, and checked his computer, to find about 12 movies downloaded. i asked him about it, and he said he had an addiction spawned off of all the years of it. but it wasn't the same for him, because he was with me now. it didn't do anything for him.

 

a couple of months pass, and i go for work again. this time, for two weeks. the day before i leave, he asks if he can look it up while i'm gone. i hand him the letter i had written the months ago, try talking to him about it, and i thought we had come to a conclusion. he swore he wouldn't, that he'd gone longer without masterbating, and if it would upset me that much, he wouldn't. i threatened to have him tracked.

 

i came back, and was off for a week. it wasn't until almost a week later that i checked his deleted files. to see that he's downloaded more movies, and saved close to 2300 pics. i confronted him about it. and he said he couldn't see why i was so upset. it's just porn. there's no reason for it to upset me. like when he checks out other women when we're together. that shouldn't bother me either, because he's not actually doing anything with them.

 

but i don't understand why he should need to. he keeps telling me how pretty he thinks i am, and i'm more than willing to experiment with anything that intrests him. and the whole thing made me quite depressed. which he couldn't understand.

 

but on the same note, he doesn't want to lose me, so he says. i'm getting ready to switch jobs, one where i'll still be out of town every couple of weeks.

 

what can i do to make him understand just how much this hurts me? especially when all of his friends and even his mother thinks i'm over-reacting?

 

 

 

The bible says even when you look at someone with lust, you have already sinned in your heart... so YES it is cheating.

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The bible says even when you look at someone with lust, you have already sinned in your heart... so YES it is cheating.

Oh YEA because EVERYONE defines themselves using the Bible. There's no such thing as another religion or just a set of morals you live by.

Whatever preacher, move it elsewhere. Or at least offer some advice. Useless

 

I think 2300 pictures ... could be a sign of an addiction. I mean a couple of movies here or there fine. 12 movies in 1 day like ... hours long each? excessive. 2 min clips? not a big deal.

 

In either case, I agree w/ the other posters, he agreed and then violated the terms of the agreement. He's in the wrong. However, like other said, you cant expect a person to change for you. So either deal with the porn addiction or find someone who won't watch it or won't watch SO MUCH!

 

2300 images... I mean... sheeeesh.

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littlepiggy1
The bible says even when you look at someone with lust, you have already sinned in your heart... so YES it is cheating.

 

The Bible says a lot of things... like stoning non-virgins and not eating lobster.

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i didn't know how to deal because while i'd rather not THINK of him getting off to other women, i knew i couldn't do much about it.

 

There are so many women that read these novels about sweaty, bronzed gardeners that seduce bored housewives (or even watch the tv programme), isn't that just the female version of porn?

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Quote:

Originally Posted by megnog viewpost.gif

i didn't know how to deal because while i'd rather not THINK of him getting off to other women, i knew i couldn't do much about it.

 

There are so many women that read these novels about sweaty, bronzed gardeners that seduce bored housewives (or even watch the tv programme), isn't that just the female version of porn?

 

how does the printed word even come close to comparing it with actual people/women(filmed/photographed; albeit faked up) with all of their goods spread out for display. and what one can conjure up in their imagination is NOT the same as what the industry has conveniently spread out before you. It's like eating garbage fast food vs reading their nutrition list.

and making this as a comparison is just the convenient, typical excuse for not even trying to become accountable and understanding.

 

I don't know one, not one ,woman who reads or watches that crap either. They have satisfying relationships and have alot better things to occupy their time with then that garbage.

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There are so many women that read these novels about sweaty, bronzed gardeners that seduce bored housewives (or even watch the tv programme), isn't that just the female version of porn?

 

 

I am not a fan of these novels at all, but can you tell me how printed words even can compare to real live people? Also I really don't think there are many women who masturbate while reading those novels, or maybe they do since I am personally clueless as to why people want to read them in the first place.

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littlepiggy1
I am not a fan of these novels at all, but can you tell me how printed words even can compare to real live people?

 

First of all, porn isn't real live people. They're just images on paper or a screen.

 

Second, it depends on your imagination. If you have a good capacity for fantasy and imagination, then printed word could in some cases be even more powerful than any image or video.

 

I wonder if most of the people that don't "get" this stuff simply don't have very vivid imaginations...

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First of all, porn isn't real live people. They're just images on paper or a screen.

 

Second, it depends on your imagination. If you have a good capacity for fantasy and imagination, then printed word could in some cases be even more powerful than any image or video.

 

I wonder if most of the people that don't "get" this stuff simply don't have very vivid imaginations...

 

 

Porn is real live people. The "images" are done by real people unless you don't consider those women people. The people doing those images know what the people who look at them are going to do when they see them.

 

Like I said I don't read those novels so no matter how good my imagination is I could never and would never try to understand them.

My imagination is very vivid. I just don't get the desire to think of someone besides your partner.

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littlepiggy1
Porn is real live people. The "images" are done by real people unless you don't consider those women people. The people doing those images know what the people who look at them are going to do when they see them.

 

But it's not "live". And unless you're talking about amateur or hidden camera stuff, what you are seeing isn't that real either. It's manufactured sex.

 

Like I said I don't read those novels so no matter how good my imagination is I could never and would never try to understand them.

 

Well there you go.

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But it's not "live". And unless you're talking about amateur or hidden camera stuff, what you are seeing isn't that real either. It's manufactured sex.

 

 

 

Well there you go.

 

 

Why should I try to understand romance novels? I can't understand what I so exciting about them. I have tried once to read one and I was so bored I could only get to the second chapter. Trying to understand them to me would mean trying to read another one which I won't do.

 

It doesn't matter is its not "live" the images are still provided by real people with the intent of helping many people masturbate.

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littlepiggy1
Why should I try to understand romance novels? I can't understand what I so exciting about them. I have tried once to read one and I was so bored I could only get to the second chapter. Trying to understand them to me would mean trying to read another one which I won't do.

 

I didn't say you had to try. But you're never going to understand what other people find appealing. So why even ask?

 

It doesn't matter is its not "live" the images are still provided by real people with the intent of helping many people masturbate.

 

Yes, they are real people, but what you are seeing on the screen isn't necessarily "real". If that makes sense...

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I didn't say you had to try. But you're never going to understand what other people find appealing. So why even ask?

 

 

 

Yes, they are real people, but what you are seeing on the screen isn't necessarily "real". If that makes sense...

 

 

You probably don't understand why I find certain things the way I do.

It doesn't matter if they are "real" at that moment or "real" a month ago. They took the pictures or made the videos with the purpose of it being used for sexual material. So in a way it is more "real" then romance novels are.

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littlepiggy1
You probably don't understand why I find certain things the way I do.

It doesn't matter if they are "real" at that moment or "real" a month ago. They took the pictures or made the videos with the purpose of it being used for sexual material. So in a way it is more "real" then romance novels are.

 

However, and this is where the difference lies, a video or pic is more externalized whereas something like a romance novel is more internalized. Basically, it requires more user participation to bring a novel to "life" so to speak than something on a screen. In this respect I would view something like a novel as more intimate than a video.

 

For example, have you ever read a book then watched a movie based on said book? And do you find that there's a stark difference between how you imagine the characters and situations in the book versus when you see them on screen?

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However, and this is where the difference lies, a video or pic is more externalized whereas something like a romance novel is more internalized. Basically, it requires more user participation to bring a novel to "life" so to speak than something on a screen. In this respect I would view something like a novel as more intimate than a video.

 

For example, have you ever read a book then watched a movie based on said book? And do you find that there's a stark difference between how you imagine the characters and situations in the book versus when you see them on screen?

 

 

See I would disagree on the more intimate of the two. I would say the porn is because it is between two people.(or in some cases alot more)

The book doesn't involve naked live people.

 

Yeah I'm sure I have at some point read a book and thought the characters were very different in the movies. I can't say which one, but I am sure at some point it happened.

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littlepiggy1
See I would disagree on the more intimate of the two. I would say the porn is because it is between two people.(or in some cases alot more)

The book doesn't involve naked live people.

 

But it involves naked people in your own head.

 

What do you think is more intimate?

 

Seeing a picture of someone nude? Or imagining someone nude?

 

Yeah I'm sure I have at some point read a book and thought the characters were very different in the movies. I can't say which one, but I am sure at some point it happened.

 

Well, from my own perspective I find reading a book a more intimate experience since I am effectively visualizing everything that is happening, as opposed to a movie where I am simply observing everything happening. Again, it's the idea that a book is more interactive whereas a movie is more passive.

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