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why does he need me if he has porn


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my boyfriend and i have been living together for a year, we're having a baby together and we'll probably get married in the next year or so. from the very start we've had a more than healthy relationship, good communication after fights, and ability to work out problems. except for one. I need help understanding why, if he gets to have sex with me whenever he wants (well almost), then why has it gotten to the point where I’ll be sitting in the next room watching TV and he'll just leave to the bathroom and jerk off. a) his porn isn’t even half decent and its only the same two mags every time, b) he just got laid the night before (and i know he's gone plenty longer than that) so he clearly didn’t even need to get off THAT bad, especially since it took him like ten minutes to finish when i know he can do it in like 2.2 minutes flat.

 

I’ve fought with him so many times and he doesn’t really defend himself except to say that it's normal for boys. ok so now he's using MY computer to stay up until 4 am to look at disgusting naked women. I don’t even know how to say that this completely and utterly disgusts me to the point that my morning sickness isn’t because I’m pregnant anymore, it's because the man i thought i could never stop loving absolutely creeps me out. like, get a life. if all he wanted to do with his life was play video games and look at porn (and not even use it to jerk off) then what the hell am I wasting my time on? i could be single and jerking off too. in fact, if that's what's become so acceptable in today's society, then why even have strip bars or prostitutes? if guys wont have sex with their girlfriends whom they say they love, why would they bang a dirty hooker?

 

I don’t think that it's as much jealousy as it is a feeling of maybe being excluded from an extremely important part of his life, a part which, if we did ever end up married is such an important aspect that people divorce over it: a lack of intimacy. I’m not with him so that i can relieve his testosterone. this is all besides the fact that porn is a dangerous addiction. and there is absolutely no other way to begin an addiction than that. where does it end? who knows. sometimes it never does, and that's how my family was broken apart. I think i have read almost every thread on porn on this sight and I have to say I’m a little more than disappointed with the outrageously unintelligent replies I’ve seen to the other queries of confused and sickened girls just like me. it's not normal, not everyone does it, and it happens to be a huge problem.

 

if it's love that's missing, then deal with the real problem. I on the other hand don't have clue what the problem is. my boyfriend tells me he loves me a hundred times a day. it sure doesn't make up for anything though. I’m sorry if you couldn’t read through this whole thing, but I’m under the impression that i am far from alone out there and this problem has gone undealt with for far too long. it's time someone started saying something that made sense.

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Lots of porn topics on here, you might could do a search for them and read up on what others with the same problem have said. Also, do NOT get married until this issue has either been resolved or you all have come to some kind of compromise on the matter.

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princesspeaches

when you talk to him about it, what does he say? What questions do you ask?

 

I'm just curious on this one, but is it the fact that he looks at it in general or the kind he's looking at that makes you sick more?

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LucreziaBorgia

Are you saying that you want to change him to the point where he doesn't have any sexual fantasies, doesn't look at any visual sexual stimuli and doesn't masturbate anymore?

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I heard that Pornography is the #1 addiction in America. I don't have data to back that up...just what I have been told. He probably doesn't have any good reason why he does it except that it is an addiction and will not be easy to stop. Doesn't it seem like men are so much more into porn than women. Why is that? Men only think about sex and that is it while we ponder how we can save the world or put the perfect outfit together. I think men would go nuts if the tables were turned and there were a bunch of nudy bars for just women and we all started looking at a bunch of male porn behind our spouse or boyfriend's back all the time but they still knew. My husband tells me not to look if we are watching TV and we see a naked guys butt or something go by.

 

Unfortunantly it seems all men like porn but when it becomes an obsession or gets in the way of respecting your partner....I think it is time to try and get some help. Like the above said....Don't marry until this issue is resolved.

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LakesideDream

1st, many man have trouble being sexually intimate when their mate is pregnant. There are many reasons for it, and no sure cause. Be aware that lot's of men feel that way.

 

2nd. While "magazines" and porn on the computer are at least rude, it's not a felony (assuming no children are involved). Most men go through the "porn phase" from puberty to .... ? Well for awhile. While women like to label it an "addiction" with the help of wise sage's like Dr. Phil. It isn't an addiction, it may be a compulsion, however if it's not available men don't climb the walls.

 

3d, as you should know, men and women are "wired" somewhat different sexually. I most men, porn serves the same purpose that romance novels, chick flicks, and the lifetime channel, We, etc. serve for women. I personally can't imagine what's attractive about "Fabio".. he looks awfully feminized to me.

 

Last.... and maybe the most important thing. You are living with a man, having a baby and you might, maybe, probably will get married next year? That's literally putting the cart before the horse isn't it? My guess is that as a couple your problems run much deeper than "porn". From a careful read of your post it's obvious that you are VERY angry at your boyfriend. I doubt that he is oblivious to that fact.

 

Your morning sickness is because of porn, you don't know why you are "wasting your time" on him. Obviously his behavior disgusts you. This seems odd as you chose him as your partner, and concieved a child with him all in the past year. Are you completely devoid of responsibility for the state of your relationship?

 

Your situation is precarious. Are you sure you want to drive him away? If you do, you will become a "single mom", likely society at large will be forced to share the consequenses of your decisions. You will be a true 21st Century empowered women though, receiving all you are entitled too.

 

Tread carefully.

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as much as i'd like to agree with you that it also sickens me a bit , i can only offer you the advice of reality. i don't believe that you can change his habits so you have to really decide if you want to be with someone like this or not. you've tried to talk to him so i'm guessing the "talk with him some more" wont work. if you've already explained to him that it bothers you that he watches porn instead of making love to you, and he hasn't done much about it, i'm assuming theres not a whole lot more you can do on the matter. maybe it is because your pregnant, but i've actually never heard of that.. i've heard , or at least thought i've heard, that sex feels better while your pregnant and that guys usually are more intimate knowing their child is inside of you. you are bearing their unborn child, i think thats sexy. don't guys??

anyway

like i said you have to decide if you want to be with him or not. unfortunately, you already are carrying his child so it would really be an upset if you guys broke it off now. you have to decide how much you are going to let it get to you. i know i would probably flip out after a while but some people are more laid back and don't let it bother them. find something else to do, or maybe you yourself could get a nice playgirl or porn for girls (so hard to come by) and treat yourself. i don't know what else to say except for good luck and keep us updated.

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littlepiggy1
I think i have read almost every thread on porn on this sight and I have to say I’m a little more than disappointed with the outrageously unintelligent replies I’ve seen to the other queries of confused and sickened girls just like me. it's not normal, not everyone does it, and it happens to be a huge problem.

 

You appear to have already made up your mind about it. So why *are* you here?

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my boyfriend and i have been living together for a year, we're having a baby together and we'll probably get married in the next year or so. from the very start we've had a more than healthy relationship, good communication after fights, and ability to work out problems. except for one.

 

If communication with him is so good otherwise, could it be that you are approaching the porn issue in such a way as to make him defensive? That could be why you can't work this problem out, and can't get answers to your questions. If you back people into a corner, they find it difficult to be open - you'll just get mad no matter what he says, so why should he answer you?

 

I need help understanding why, if he gets to have sex with me whenever he wants (well almost), then why has it gotten to the point where I’ll be sitting in the next room watching TV and he'll just leave to the bathroom and jerk off.
He may not want to "use" you just to get off. He may not be in the mood for romance and foreplay and "working" to get you off - he may just want a quickie orgasm and certainly doesn't want to pressure you to "servicing" him without reciprocation.

 

a) his porn isn’t even half decent and its only the same two mags every time, b) he just got laid the night before (and i know he's gone plenty longer than that) so he clearly didn’t even need to get off THAT bad, especially since it took him like ten minutes to finish when i know he can do it in like 2.2 minutes flat.
a) It doesn't matter whether YOU are turned on by his porn - he is. If it's the same two magazines, what are they? Perhaps they speak to a particular erotic fantasy he has that just really pushes his buttons. The key word here is: fantasy. Humans all fantasize.

 

b) Masturbating to porn isn't the same thing as people having sex. A lot of times, it's just a stress-reliever, and porn is the fastest way to blow. Yes, he may have gotten laid the night before, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to get off again the next day. Think of it like food - sometimes you want a meal, and sometimes you want just a snack, but just because you ate a full meal yesterday doesn't mean you don't want to eat today.

 

I’ve fought with him so many times and he doesn’t really defend himself except to say that it's normal for boys.
If he describes himself as a boy, or you do, then he's probably pretty young. I'd say he's right. You'll be hard pressed to find a young man who isn't into masturbation and porn. And older men, too.

 

ok so now he's using MY computer to stay up until 4 am to look at disgusting naked women. I don’t even know how to say that this completely and utterly disgusts me to the point that my morning sickness isn’t because I’m pregnant anymore, it's because the man i thought i could never stop loving absolutely creeps me out. like, get a life. if all he wanted to do with his life was play video games and look at porn (and not even use it to jerk off) then what the hell am I wasting my time on?
Well, now you're saying your problems aren't all about porn and your relationship isn't all rosy - a contradiction to your first paragraph. If you have issues and reservations about being with him, take a good hard look at your feelings about being with him - don't mask your problems by focusing on the porn.

 

in fact, if that's what's become so acceptable in today's society, then why even have strip bars or prostitutes? if guys wont have sex with their girlfriends whom they say they love, why would they bang a dirty hooker?
And now you are leaving the subject of your bf, masturbation, and porn, and bringing in a whole other set of issues that have nothing to do with your relationship. He's not banging dirty hookers, is he? Then drop this line of argument because it's not going to help you, and has nothing to do with your bf or your relationship.

 

I don’t think that it's as much jealousy as it is a feeling of maybe being excluded from an extremely important part of his life, a part which, if we did ever end up married is such an important aspect that people divorce over it: a lack of intimacy.
How are things between you when you do have sex? Do you feel a lack of intimacy then? Or aren't you getting enough sex with him? Do you wish for a lot more sex with him than you are currently having? If so, that's a different problem, and one you need to discuss - tell him you want more sex with him instead of harassing him about porn and masturbation!

 

The last thing he's thinking about when he's masturbating to magazines, is emotional intimacy. You have to understand that fantasy and masturbation are a part of just about everyone's life. NO couple out there is inside the other person's head, and no one can expect their partner never to fantasize or masturbate. If you consider masturbation as ONE PART of sexuality, then it need not make you feel as though you are being excluded from his sexual life. You do it, too, don't you?

I’m not with him so that i can relieve his testosterone.

Exactly. That's why, when he does just want that release, he uses magazines instead of "using" you.

 

this is all besides the fact that porn is a dangerous addiction. and there is absolutely no other way to begin an addiction than that. where does it end? who knows. sometimes it never does, and that's how my family was broken apart.
Again, you are not focusing on your issues with your bf - you are looking at porn in general. Bringing the fate of the world's porn addiction into your relationship only masks your real issues.

 

And what family are you referring to that was broken apart? How does that relate to your bf and you?

 

 

I think i have read almost every thread on porn on this sight and I have to say I’m a little more than disappointed with the outrageously unintelligent replies I’ve seen to the other queries of confused and sickened girls just like me. it's not normal, not everyone does it, and it happens to be a huge problem.
Again, it's nothing to do with your relationship. Just because you don't like or agree with the answers that men give on why they use porn, doesn't make them any less true.

 

if it's love that's missing, then deal with the real problem. I on the other hand don't have clue what the problem is. my boyfriend tells me he loves me a hundred times a day. it sure doesn't make up for anything though.
Don't you believe he loves you? Why don't you believe him when he tells you that his use of porn and masturbation has nothing to do with his love for you? Just because YOU believe he can't possibly love you if he uses porn, doesn't make it so.

 

HE believes porn has nothing to do with his love for you - if HE believes the two have nothing to do with each other, then you are dismissing his viewpoint altogether if you are insisting that it does mean he doesn't love you. That's why you can't understand what's going on. To him, nothing is going on, but you don't believe him - you are calling him a liar.

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LakesideDream

Norajane, amazingly insiteful reply. Kudo's to you!

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I tried... :)

 

But what I've learned from all the porn threads around here, is that it really makes no difference what anyone says, or what insights they try to convey. Those who are troubled by this issue generally can't get past it, no matter what anyone says.

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LakesideDream

I agree with you. I don't have much real understanding on the subject. I had a 25 year marriage. "Porn" was around for most of it, although not in quanity.

 

My ex and I were seven years apart (she younger). Lived in the same suburb. I understood completely when she objected to a copy of Playboy that featured one of my classmates (who I dated a couple of times in HS, didn't sleep with).... and I thought my ex was pretty cute when complaining.

 

On the other hand, we had about 50 "nudie" poloroids (dates me eh?) taken throughout the marriage, and my ex complained bitterly that she "couldn't compete" with her "younger self" depicted in a few of the photo's taken early in the marriage. I always got a chuckle out of that. It was obvious that she considered pictures of her "younger self" as pornography at that point.

 

In the seven years since my divorce I have discovered a diacotomy among many of the women I have dated. When the discussion came up, they would all rail instantly against any type of legal porn, talking about how degrading it is etc. On the other hand, the majority of the women had no problem discussing intimate details of their sex lives including anatomy with other women (in person and online) and sometimes men (!) online. Which brings up the situation that while dating.. those same women were still "trolling" online while dating a breathing sexually functional man.

 

I admit to being 57 years old, and still very unsure and confused by the female psyche.

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Trialbyfire

Lakeside, I think you'll find all levels of hypocrisy in both genders. While I don't have an issue with a light amount of porn in any relationship, when someone is pregnant, they can be a little more emotional. No, I'm not stereotyping pregnant women, it honestly happens because there is so much change in the female body. Since this is happening, with feelings of being unattractive because of pregnancy, I believe that men should be a little more sympathetic during this time.

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LakesideDream

I agree and didn't mean to imply otherwise. My statement was made in a more general vein.

 

I clearly remember driving home from work at lunchtime to deliver bean burrito's and firey hot nacho's from that "special place" to my ex when pregnant. And all the other weird "stuff" too. It was a pain at the time, and a hoot ten years later.

 

I don't believe the original poster's main problem is pornography however. It sounds like there are other deeper problems afoot.

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Trialbyfire

Okay. I understand.

 

I agree but with a codicil. Emotions do get magnified when pregnant just like food preferences, lol.

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The Reclining Buddha

Recently I found out that my live-in boyfriend of two years has been looking at porn since the beginning of our relationship. This was the second time I found out since I believed him when he told me that he was going to stop looking at porn. I was extremely hurt by his lying to me (even though, a friend pointed out, that it was a catch-22) and we almost broke up over it. It isn’t as if I am anti-porn, I use to watch it occasionally (like a couple times a month, if that) before I got involved with my boyfriend but didn’t understand why my boyfriend wanted that kind of gratification over me especially since I never fantasize myself with another. I talked it over with a close guy friend who is in a similar live-in monogamous relationship and explained how a lot of men cannot explain the behavior itself. Some answers I got was that it “relieved stress” “less tiring than sex” and “something to do when bored”. He and his boyfriend look at porn with each other’s knowledge and are completely okay with it. There are just some fundamental differences between people’s (not just genders) sexuality and their views of it. Also the male and female genital anatomies work in very different ways (there are plenty of posts on it elsewhere on this site).

 

The thing I learned after reading article after article, blogs, posts, anything to gain perspective on this, is that every person is different on this subject. There are men out there who don’t look porn, women who love it, couples who watch it together, women just like you and me who are truly hurt by this seemingly "innocuous" habit. The point is, take in the advice that people give you, keep an open-mind but in the end you must listen to what you think is right and what will make you happy. Trust me, don’t feel bad for what you are feeling because you are not alone on this. I know you will come to a completely different conclusion about this than I have and I would be interested in hearing what you do. I didn’t mean to make the post so long but I hope it holds some insight and not just relentless unintelligent drivel. I really hope it helps you find some peace of mind.

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a) It doesn't matter whether YOU are turned on by his porn - he is. If it's the same two magazines, what are they? Perhaps they speak to a particular erotic fantasy he has that just really pushes his buttons. The key word here is: fantasy. Humans all fantasize.

.

 

No we don't. I never ever fantasize. Please stop assuming that everyone needs to think about someone besides there partner in order to get turned on occasionally.

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No we don't. I never ever fantasize. Please stop assuming that everyone needs to think about someone besides there partner in order to get turned on occasionally.

 

Ok - I'll stop assuming all people fantasize if you accept that - for some of us - our minds are as capable of creating sexual pleasure as our bodies and that - for those of us who fantasize - our fantasies are in no way a reflection of dissatisfaction with our partners.

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Ok - I'll stop assuming all people fantasize if you accept that - for some of us - our minds are as capable of creating sexual pleasure as our bodies and

So... you're saying that LoveShack has made a lot of people wet. Interesting.

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So... you're saying that LoveShack has made a lot of people wet. Interesting.

 

Some people might find that pink trunk slightly suggestive...

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Ok - I'll stop assuming all people fantasize if you accept that - for some of us - our minds are as capable of creating sexual pleasure as our bodies and that - for those of us who fantasize - our fantasies are in no way a reflection of dissatisfaction with our partners.

 

I will accpet that you really believe that. I will not ever accept that my bf is satisfied with me if he has to think about screwing other women.

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I will accpet that you really believe that. I will not ever accept that my bf is satisfied with me if he has to think about screwing other women.

 

What if he believes that his fantasies are in no way a reflection of any dissatisfaction with you? Why wouldn't you accept that he really believes that if that's what he says?

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What if he believes that his fantasies are in no way a reflection of any dissatisfaction with you? Why wouldn't you accept that he really believes that if that's what he says?

 

 

Well if he really believes that then he is insane. It is a reflection of me in everyway. He is thinking about sleeping with someone esle. He is pretending I am someone esle. That is so wrong.

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No it's not "wrong" it's fantasy, a natural human trait. Everyone fantasizes relationship or not relationship, trying to stop it is going against nature

 

God, some people are soooo stuck up. I guess it has to do with the closed minded society you have over there...

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