I cheated on my boyfriend, should I tell him or not?

[bumblebee1]

I'm 23, and my boyfriend Taylor is 26. We've been together for 7 years. I know 16 sounds young to be in a relationship, especially at 17 when we started living together. We've broken up a couple times, but love each other too much and always want to make it work, and always make it work. These last few years have been very wonderful between us, and we've even talked about marriage and kids. We both agree that we don't want to have children until we're married, have a home, and are financially and mentally ready. We also both feel very seriously about marriage, and know its nothing to jump into, and even though we've been together for 7 years, we've decided to wait for marriage a little longer until we move out of our apartment, and finish college.

 

About 4 years ago, I was away at school. Our relationship was pretty rocky at that time, and I cheated on him with a couple different guys. At the time, I didn't feel remorse, one of the reasons being that I believed he was doing the same thing behind my back while I was away at school. I never told him I cheated on him, and it’s been eating away at me for the longest time. I've grown a lot since I cheated, and in my heart I know I would never do anything like that again. I love him too much, and I don't know how I could have done such a thing to him. When I was away at school, I was angry, and sad, and constantly suspicious of him cheating. I'm not making excuses, but I was very unhappy.

 

Does that mean if I become unhappy in the future that I'll cheat on him again? I truly don't believe I will. Thinking about being untrue to him makes me sick to my stomach. Thinking about what I’ve done, and how I’ve deceived him makes me sick to my stomach. I have mixed feelings about whether or not I should tell him... when I put myself in his shoes, I feel like I’d WANT to know... like I have a right to know. Then I think about, it was 4 years ago, I’ve matured a lot since then and know in my heart I would never do it again. Why cause problems when I can leave it unsaid? Then I think again about how he has a right to know, and if our relationship is as strong as I think it is, then we can pull through this. But I know if he found out I cheated on him, he'd end our relationship. I love him very much and don’t want to lose him. I honestly don't know if I should tell him or not.

[Salicious Crumb]

Does that mean if I become unhappy in the future that I'll cheat on him again?

 

Yes

 

I truly don't believe I will. Thinking about being untrue to him makes me sick to my stomach. Thinking about what I’ve done, and how I’ve deceived him makes me sick to my stomach. I have mixed feelings about whether or not I should tell him... when I put myself in his shoes, I feel like I’d WANT to know... like I have a right to know. Then I think about, it was 4 years ago, I’ve matured a lot since then and know in my heart I would never do it again. Why cause problems when I can leave it unsaid? Then I think again about how he has a right to know, and if our relationship is as strong as I think it is, then we can pull through this. But I know if he found out I cheated on him, he'd end our relationship. I love him very much and don’t want to lose him. I honestly don't know if I should tell him or not.

 

It doesnt matter how long ago it was. He deserves to know so he has a choice in the matter....the choice of whether to stay with you and work it out, or to dump you.

 

My wife cheated on me when we were engaged...I didn't know about it, but other people did. She didn't tell me. If she would have, I would have called off the wedding, because I don't play that crap.

 

So here it was last year....6 years and 2 kids later that I found out what she did from an old friend of hers that my wife treated like crap.

She told me everything and now here I am stuck in a marriage that I don't really want to dissolve because 2 kids lives hang in the balance.

 

I can tell you right now, that I will forever hold resentment towards my wife for keeping this secret from me and me finding out this much later.

 

If you know he'd end your relationship if he found out you cheated...then you should tell him...because its not fair to him to unknowingly be attached to a someone that betrayed him in the worst way.

 

If you don't tell him because you know he'll leave you, then you are keeping this secret for your own selfish reasons...but then again, everyone knows cheaters are selfish.

 

My advice would be to tell him and let him make a decision. If he leaves you...then take your medicine, chalk it up to a learning experience and move on.

[Guest]

I was kinda in the same situation. I kissed another guy while on vacation during the beginning of my relationship with the guy I was dating at the time...never told him. We broke up about 2 yrs. later. Thought that was the end of us for good...but then about 2 years later we got back together again and after a few months of being together, I was contemplating if I should tell him about it. I mean...it was from when we were dating before and we had broken up so why should I tell him, right?

 

But I did anyways because i felt guilty about it...he didn't even really care...I mean I'm sure he did but he also understood it happened so long ago and we were starting over...he also mentioned to me he thought I did it out of guilt for my own sake which was true as well as feeling like I wanted a "fresh start" in a way. Do I feel relieved I told him??? Sure do because now its out in the open and i've never cheated on him since then the first time or have I this time.

 

Its just something you need to decide...I've always believed the truth will come out eventually which is what kinda motivated me to tell him as well...besides it being the right thing to do. He may decide to end it with you if he feels he can't get past the dishonesty factor portrayed by you or he may get past it and it may take time but at least it'll be out in the open. either way...just be honest. With him and yourself.

[reservoirdog1]

I could have written what SC did, word for word. My XW cheated repeatedly, starting during the engagement. If I'd found out then, there's no way in hell I would have married her. Instead I found out seven years and two kids later. We split up, and I went through two and a half years of hating her guts before I reached a point of indifference.

 

At least if you're honest with him now, you won't risk him finding out the truth after you're married, and you won't risk him hating you for having married him with this dirty secret hidden away and thereby wasting even more years of his life. And you won't risk messing up innocent children's lives in the process.

 

Yes, he may end your relationship. But that, unfortunately, is a risk you must take if you have any sense of right and wrong.

 

I hope you do the right thing.

[Rooster_DAR]

I agree with the last two posters, same story word for word with me. My EX finally told me the truth, but everything she told me I already knew anyway. It does make me at least have a little respect that she was forthcoming, had she kept it a secret I would have lost any respect for her.

 

Cheers!@

[bumblebee1]

Theres no way he could find out about it if I didn't tell him. In fact, this is the first I've spoke about the cheating ever. I've never told a friend, or family member, and I've certainly never had any contact with who I slept with since. I'm a different person now than I was then. Taylor cheated on me also, early in the relationship and I didn't find out until years later... I think I'm more forgiving than he is. And yes, it hurt like hell - even though it was years later, so I know it doesn't matter how long ago it was - it still hurts a lot.

 

I can pretty much 99% guarentee he will end the relationship once I tell him. I don't want to hurt him, but I already have he just doesn't know it. I know the "right" thing to do is to tell him and he deserves to know, but I don't know if i can risk 99% chance of losing him. I just love him too much to lose him. I'm a horrible person.

[Davis]

Bumblebee: initially my response was going to be "NO" you should never tell him. Until I started reading the responses on here and thinking of my current experience. A cheater is probably the most SELFISH, self-centered person around. My ex gf didn't have the balls or the integrity to tell me she was even slightly unhappy in our relationship. Instead, she choose to follow her own desires and went out and cheated on me.

 

Resevoir and Salicious ended up with a cheater, married them and had kids. Only to be unhappy and fooled later. Was that fair to them?? Their wives continued to be selfish with no regard to these guys' lives or their feelings. You would be no better than those wives if you didn't tell him. You would have children and turn their worlds upside down if Taylor ever found out or if you continued to cheat. Is that the type of person that you want to be?

 

I don't know if you watch Dr. Phil. But sometime last year he had a young couple on. The guy cheated on his girlfriend and they were engaged with plans to marry. She did not want to marry him because of her concerns that he would cheat again. As Dr. Phil always says "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior". i.e. if this guy cheated (or you) the likely hood is very high that they will behave the same way in the future. This guy however, was different. He was maybe in the 1% of cheaters. Dr. Phil pointed out that he told his fiance, took responsibility, was sorry, but more importantly was truly remorseful and determined to not act like that again. Dr. Phil told her to give him another chance. I don' think this is you.

 

I think the only honorable thing you can do is to tell him. IF and only IF you are truly remorseful and determined not to let it happen should he even contemplate staying with you. Likely, he will leave you. But, you have learned a lesson, grown, learned to take responsibility and to be much less selfish. By telling him you are finally acting selflessly; you are putting his feelings, his decision and his life ahead of yours. That shows that you do love him, that you are willing to put him above you. That's love. So even if he leaves you, at least you have gained. Take a big step. Tell him and expect him to leave. Do the right thing. You never know what perfect guy might fall into your lap in the future because you made the right decision.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Bumblebee1,

 

IF you tell him -and he does leave. Then, reality blossoms. Metaphysics isn't a hoax. To lose a love -that essentially wasn't yours to claim.

 

Not tell him: To live a lie, is a life short-lived.

 

You don't want to move into the future, knowing there are unfinished past histories. Telling him stamps the ink onto the envelope -the one that can deliver you a safer, peaceful, and tranquilizing future.

 

Good Luck,

Sand&Water

[Salicious Crumb]

Theres no way he could find out about it if I didn't tell him. In fact, this is the first I've spoke about the cheating ever. I've never told a friend, or family member, and I've certainly never had any contact with who I slept with since. I'm a different person now than I was then. Taylor cheated on me also, early in the relationship and I didn't find out until years later... I think I'm more forgiving than he is.

 

In your first post you implied you only suspected he cheated...now you are changing your story and saying he did. I would have though that was pretty important information.

 

So I think you just threw that in there so you get different responses from us.

[woodyman]

In your first post you implied you only suspected he cheated...now you are changing your story and saying he did. I would have though that was pretty important information.

 

So I think you just threw that in there so you get different responses from us.

 

Good point well made.

 

You seem to have grown up since then, but surely, even back then, you knew what you were doing, and the sort of reaction you would get from your BF ??

 

I mean, if he does leave you, then that is the consequence a cheater has to face...if you don't want to lose a BF, or someone you love, then you wouldn't have had the need to commit the worst on them surely ??

 

Do you trust him that much that you thought he was going to be cheating on you, just so you could do it in return...I mean surely if you had returned, and you found out he had done it to you, you would have been in the driving seat...just takes an ounce of self-control.

 

I hope you do tell him, and I hope he does the right thing...

[bumblebee1]

In your first post you implied you only suspected he cheated...now you are changing your story and saying he did. I would have though that was pretty important information.

 

So I think you just threw that in there so you get different responses from us.

 

Untrue. I never said that he cheated while I was away at school. What i did say was that Taylor cheated on me early in the relationship, and then while I was away at school I suspected that he was screwing around on me again.

[Salicious Crumb]

Bumblebee: initially my response was going to be "NO" you should never tell him. Until I started reading the responses on here and thinking of my current experience. A cheater is probably the most SELFISH, self-centered person around. My ex gf didn't have the balls or the integrity to tell me she was even slightly unhappy in our relationship. Instead, she choose to follow her own desires and went out and cheated on me.

 

Resevoir and Salicious ended up with a cheater, married them and had kids. Only to be unhappy and fooled later. Was that fair to them?? Their wives continued to be selfish with no regard to these guys' lives or their feelings. You would be no better than those wives if you didn't tell him. You would have children and turn their worlds upside down if Taylor ever found out or if you continued to cheat.

 

Exactly. Same thing is going to happen to Taylor if you do not tell him.

 

He may leave you, but that is the choice you must let him decide upon.

If you don't give him a choice, then you are even more selfish above and beyond the cheating in the first place.

 

I guarantee, if he finds out later somehow, you are going to hurt more than just him in the process, I guarantee.

[Salicious Crumb]

Untrue. I never said that he cheated while I was away at school. What i did say was that Taylor cheated on me early in the relationship, and then while I was away at school I suspected that he was screwing around on me again.

 

Go back and read your own post and quote for me where you said he cheated.

 

You didn't say anything of the sort in your original post my dear. Not one mention of him cheating, only that you suspected him.

[hardknocks]

A lot of therapists would say DON'T TELL.

 

Telling is actually a selfish act to unburden the cheater of their guilt.

 

Think of it this way.. what good would come of telling? Besides helping the cheater with her guilt - it certainly doesn't help the marriage or the BS.

 

This may just have to be a cross you bear on your own.

 

 

And RE: Dr. Phil and past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. What a load of crap. We all make mistakes and bad choices in life. The vast majority of which we don't repeat. So, you have to put that statement in A LOT of context!

 

Anyway - Dr. Phil had a sexual affair with a 19 year old patinet of his and then gave her a job. I wonder how he would feel if that same statement about past behavior was used towards him?

[Salicious Crumb]

A lot of therapists would say DON'T TELL.

 

Telling is actually a selfish act to unburden the cheater of their guilt.

 

Tell that to people who got married to a cheater after the fact and are now involved in a marriage with that person and have kids.

 

Think of it this way.. what good would come of telling?

easy...letting the betrayed partner decide for himself/herself whether they want to get married to a cheater. I found out years after we got married and had kids....and now I resent the hell out of her for putting me in this situation. And now my poor children are caught in the middle of it. I can't bring myself to break up their home...so I swallow my pride and bury my resentment towards my wife down deep so they can be happy. And if I would have found out she cheated before we got married, I would have called off the wedding. If she would have told me and given me the chance to decide if I want to dump her or stay, we would not be in this horrible mess right now.

 

And guess what else...my wife is no longer allowed to go out clubbing with her friends while I stayed home and watched our kids. So now tell me exactly what good can come from keeping this lie until it is too late.

 

Besides helping the cheater with her guilt - it certainly doesn't help the marriage or the BS.

No, what doesn't help the marriage or betrayed spouse is the cheating itself. It can help the betrayed partner if they are not married yet. Better to be up front rather than to let this poor guy marry her not knowing what she did. The betrayed DESERVES to know what he is getting in to. You do not marry someone with that kind lie.

 

And RE: Dr. Phil and past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. What a load of crap. We all make mistakes and bad choices in life. The vast majority of which we don't repeat. So, you have to put that statement in A LOT of context!

Cheating is not a mistake. It is a conscious decision to gratify oneself at the expense of another that the cheater claims to love.

 

Anyway - Dr. Phil had a sexual affair with a 19 year old patinet of his and then gave her a job. I wonder how he would feel if that same statement about past behavior was used towards him?

I hope so...Dr. Phil is full of crap anyway.

 

Bottom line, if she doesn't tell her bf about her cheating because she is afraid he will leave her, then she is doing so for her own selfish reasons....as if we already didn't know she was selfish to be a cheater.

[bumblebee1]

Go back and read your own post and quote for me where you said he cheated.

 

You didn't say anything of the sort in your original post my dear. Not one mention of him cheating, only that you suspected him.

 

Ah ok, you're right I did fail to mention that he cheated before early on in the relationship. But in my post I was simply trying to put into words how I was feeling on the inside while I was away at school. I was feeling angry, hurt, lonley, and I felt like he was lying and seeing others behind my back. While I was away at school there were things he did, and things I heard that made me suspicious.

[bumblebee1]

And yes, if I don't tell him its because I'm afraid to lose him. I'm about 50/50 right now, I can't make a decision if I want to confess or not. Seems like theres more pros than cons in not telling him, but I agree with those who said cheaters who don't tell are selfish. The pros of not telling him are for selfish reasons.

[Salicious Crumb]

Ah ok, you're right I did fail to mention that he cheated before early on in the relationship. But in my post I was simply trying to put into words how I was feeling on the inside while I was away at school. I was feeling angry, hurt, lonley, and I felt like he was lying and seeing others behind my back. While I was away at school there were things he did, and things I heard that made me suspicious.

 

Ok..so that being known now...how did you find out about his cheating?

 

Did he tell you, or did you find out some other way?

[bumblebee1]

Ok..so that being known now...how did you find out about his cheating?

 

Did he tell you, or did you find out some other way?

 

We were long distance at the time, and also fighting a lot... pretty much everything was rocky. The night he cheated, I knew something was up. I felt it in my gut from the way he was talking and acting. I made some phone calls, and once I found out that he wasn't where he said he was going to be, I decided to log in his email... and found that he had been talking to a girl for about a week (just talking, and some flirting) and also they were to go on a date that night. Since I couldn't drive over to stop him (I was in a different state at the time), I waited until he got home and called to talk to him about what I found. I asked him what has been going on, and once he realized that I knew he was with another girl that night he spilled the beans and confessed that he cheated, but he also said he was going to break up with me that night anyway. We did break up that night.

[Starman]

We were long distance at the time, and also fighting a lot... pretty much everything was rocky. The night he cheated, I knew something was up. I felt it in my gut from the way he was talking and acting. I made some phone calls, and once I found out that he wasn't where he said he was going to be, I decided to log in his email... and found that he had been talking to a girl for about a week (just talking, and some flirting) and also they were to go on a date that night. Since I couldn't drive over to stop him (I was in a different state at the time), I waited until he got home and called to talk to him about what I found. I asked him what has been going on, and once he realized that I knew he was with another girl that night he spilled the beans and confessed that he cheated, but he also said he was going to break up with me that night anyway. We did break up that night.

 

Not to make light of the situation you are in and your decision to tell your bf or not but I can't help but think the Ross Gellar defense comes to mind.

 

"We were on a break!"

 

If you two were broken up at the time then you might feel better about telling him without fear of him getting upset, as long as he thought you two were on a break at the time.

 

Not an easy situation though. Good luck.

[Davis]

Bumblebee1: arrghhh! that's basically what happened with my ex. she was going "out with the girls", i knew she was lying and apparently she got drunk and cheated with this guy she had been conversing with that liked her. She didn't have the balls to tell me she was unhappy or anything.

 

Anyway, back to you. I'm kinda surprised you would cheat on him after he cheated on you, especially since you know how it feels. I still think you have to be honest and tell him. The fact that he cheated on you does not give you the right to not tell him. However, he can't exactly act like a Saint either. He is equally guilty even though you have not told him but he told you.

 

Maybe your conversation should be something like 'remember a few years ago when you cheated on me? you were not the only one that was unfaithful. it was wrong, we were both young, i love you, i want to make this work and i hope we can get through this'. I think the fact that he also cheated, while also wrong, should put the two of you on a level field.

[Salicious Crumb]

We were long distance at the time, and also fighting a lot... pretty much everything was rocky. The night he cheated, I knew something was up. I felt it in my gut from the way he was talking and acting. I made some phone calls, and once I found out that he wasn't where he said he was going to be, I decided to log in his email... and found that he had been talking to a girl for about a week (just talking, and some flirting) and also they were to go on a date that night. Since I couldn't drive over to stop him (I was in a different state at the time), I waited until he got home and called to talk to him about what I found. I asked him what has been going on, and once he realized that I knew he was with another girl that night he spilled the beans and confessed that he cheated, but he also said he was going to break up with me that night anyway. We did break up that night.

 

Ok then....since you felt you deserved to know the truth...so does he now.

 

Tell him before he marries you not knowing what you did. Because if he finds out later, you will have worse problems than losing him now...trust me on that. He will hate you and you will get divorced...or you won't get divorced because kids are involved and you won't get a moment's peace.

 

Or, be selfish, don't tell him and let him go into your marriage with a lie.

 

So when you are at the altar and you are looking into his eyes...just remember that you are not truthful to him and your vows that you are uttering will mean absolutely nothing.

[hardknocks]

To tell or not to tell... it's a question many of us face everyday. Maybe not over cheating (thankfully) Sometimes it is the CEO that doesn't disclose an illness, or a Doctor or family member that holds back information from a terminally ill patient or a friend that tells you 'you look great today'.

 

If you vote for black and white honesty, there is a possibility in each of those situations that the outcome will not be good. For example, the CEO announces his illnes and the compnay stock plummits. The Family tells the patient they are terminal which sends them into a deep depression and not letting them enjoy their last days or you get in an argument with that friend and you lose them. All ethics are on a sliding scale and life isn't always perfect.

 

My point is you have to look at the context of the situation to determine the greater good.

 

In this case we have a 23 year old girl, that is not married, not even egaged, they have broken up several times etc. A lot of this stuff happenned when she was 19 years old. And is obviously remorseful. And I personally believe her that she won't do it again.. why? just a hunch.

 

Hey.. if there is a time to screw around in life - it's when you're 19 and in college. Face.. at 19 you don't have you sh#! together and you do a lot of things you wouldn't do when you're older. Heck they aren't even allowed to drink- AND at 18 they wipe your criminal record clean realizing the difference age makes.

 

In this situation I don't think it is right to tell. If the continued growth of the relationship is the greater good, then why risk a bad reaction by the boyfriend over something that obviously wasn't even close to a full fledged emmotional affair. From the sounds of it it doesn't even sound like much of a fling either.. maybe she can clarify.

 

I have seen it personally too. A young couple where just before the marriage a husband decided to fess up to fooling around when he was a teenager and it was the chink in the armor that eventually led to the A of the soon to be wife.

 

If you're serious about making a life with this man I can think of 1000 other things to do besides coming clean that will improve have a MUCH better chance of improving the likelihood of a succesful marriage. Pre-matital counciling, self help books, therapy, talking to members of your church about marriage and the rigors of it and possibly even coming up with an infidelity contract. Studies have shown that talking about expectation of a marriage before hand greatly increase the survival rate. ALL of these are much more POSITIVE AND CONSTRUCTIVE things to do than to tell about your fling. And you may want to consider the source and what is going on in the minds of some of the good people here.

[Salicious Crumb]

If you're serious about making a life with this man I can think of 1000 other things to do besides coming clean that will improve have a MUCH better chance of improving the likelihood of a succesful marriage.

 

 

Once again, tell that to the people who found out several years and a couple kids later after marriage that now feel resentment towards their spouse for not giving them the choice of dumping them when they had the chance.

 

Like I said, in my situation, my precious children are now caught in the middle of it all.

 

I resent the hell out of my wife for not telling me and giving me the choice of ending it so I could find someone decent to spend my life with.

And like this person, she was scared she was going to lose me....well hells bells, how selfish is that? Not only did she ruin my life,, and although I am trying my damndest to not let it happen, it looks like she will ultimately ruin the lives of our 2 children now for holding this secret.

 

Until you are on the receiving end of things as me and Resevoir are, you can't say that the best thing is to keep it a secret.

Because its not, I am living proof of that. I'll never look at my wife the same again and no amount of counseling is going to change that.

 

This girl needs to tell her boyfriend before its too late for her, him and any children they may have together. Because they will be headed for the same fate that I am suffering now....and its all because of cheating, lies, but most importantly, I never had the chance to call off the wedding.

[Javelin]

Bee,

 

Your relationship has been unstable in the past which caused the two of you to make some critical mistakes! Now, later on in the relationship, truth & reality seem to be knocking on your door.

 

Let me state my opinion lightly,

The dream you share with him of a future relationship, married in a home with children, does not and will never exsist. I'm not saying that two people can't work beyond infidelity, I'm just saying, neither of you will ever completely trust one another. Your acts of selfishness will shadow the relationship and I can garuntee it'll lead to the same problems all over again.

 

The best thing to do since you are now, " more mature" is to tell him about your cheating incidents and possibly move on for a clean slate.