He went to her hotel room...

[Guest]

I need to get something off my chest and would really appreciate any feedback on my feelings and decision.

 

I was dating my boyfriend for four months. Before me, his last serious relationship was with this girl he was with for 3 years. They broke up about a year and a half ago but have always kept in touch at least once/week through emails and phone calls (they live in separate states). She has a new boyfriend but clearly still has feelings for my bf.

 

One day he mentioned to me that she was coming to town and wanted to stay with him in his apartment. I found out that she has no idea that I exist (he said he never tells her about his love life when they do talk). So I said that the idea made me very uncomfortable. He told her how I felt, and she said that it made her sad that he was with someone else (even though she has a new boyfriend!) and that she didn't want to meet me yet, it would be too hard right now.

 

So she comes to town, and they meet up without me. He calls me right after he left her (they had dinner with another mutual friend). I felt OK about everything. But then a few nights later (she's still in town) I realize it's past midnight and I haven't heard from him. We were boyfriend and girlfriend, so of course we talk everyday, and I was worried. So I call him. No answer. I text. No answer. About 45 minutes later, he calls me - he was leaving his ex's hotel room. She had called him earlier in the evening and asked him to meet up for dinner and drinks. Then he walked her back to her hotel. And went up to her room, apparently.

 

Here's the thing. I firmly believe that nothing sexual happened. I just know. He's the kind of guy who wouldn't do that. BUT - I was sooo angry. Why wouldn't he pick up his phone and talk to me and just say where he was?

 

Suffice to say, I broke up with this guy. This was not the only reason, but a big part of it.

 

Here's my question: Do you think my instincts are correct that this is a sketchy situation? I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I know he doesn't want to get back together with her. But all of these little things added together just point to a dishonest situation that I want no part of.

 

Any feedback greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening, I needed to get that off my chest.....

[Guest]

Any insights?

[Guest]

I was dating my boyfriend for four months. Before me, his last serious relationship was with this girl he was with for 3 years. They broke up about a year and a half ago but have always kept in touch at least once/week through emails and phone calls (they live in separate states). She has a new boyfriend but clearly still has feelings for my bf.

 

<bad sign>

 

One day he mentioned to me that she was coming to town and wanted to stay with him in his apartment. I found out that she has no idea that I exist (he said he never tells her about his love life when they do talk). So I said that the idea made me very uncomfortable. He told her how I felt, and she said that it made her sad that he was with someone else (even though she has a new boyfriend!) and that she didn't want to meet me yet, it would be too hard right now.

 

<she is hurt? they broke up! You have every right to be uncomfortable. That is an understatement, you have every right to be enraged he would even CONSIDER having her stay over his aprtment , especially without you there. She must have other people to stay with, she DOES NOT need to stay at your boyfriend's place. I know it seems like a good idea to be the "cool girlfriend" that is okay with this to show how much you trust him, but honey it will backfire--put your foot down.

 

 

So she comes to town, and they meet up without me.

 

<without you?? another red flag-at the very least you should be included>

 

Suffice to say, I broke up with this guy. This was not the only reason, but a big part of it.

 

Here's my question: Do you think my instincts are correct that this is a sketchy situation? I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I know he doesn't want to get back together with her. But all of these little things added together just point to a dishonest situation that I want no part of.

 

<oh honey, you were more than right, this smelled bad from the 1st sentence. Disrepect, lies, leaving you out, HOTEL ROOM?? , seriously he should be giving you that attention, not his ex.

 

Next time you smell this situation, before it even gets that far, you have to back out and let him chase you, and explain you like him but don't want to get involved where this triangle exists. Get to know him for a longer period next time, before you have sex is the most bargaining power you will have. And you want to know if he has some sh**ty situation you need to be aware of BEFORE you get hurt.

 

I'm sorry this happened, it sucks that these dumb people will ruin a possible good thing because of connections to an EX, but you were right in breaking up, and don't go back to him or he won't respect you, and possibly worse will happen in the future.

 

You needed to trust him, something he was not deserving of from you. Peace.

[Grrlish]

I gave this a fair amount of thought. I tried to see if from my shoes.

 

If a male friend/ex-boyfriend were coming to town, I would not allow him to stay in my home with me, alone...out of respect for my boyfriend. If the circumstances were appropriate, perhaps there would be a way for him to stay with me as long as my boyfriend were around and involved in the visit.

 

I would also never tell a male friend that he couldn't stay with me 'because my boyfriend wasn't comfortable with it'. That would be rude and would only serve to make him look bad. I would always step up and make it clear that it was my choice. But...that's also because it would be my choice...again, out of respect for my boyfriend and our relationship.

 

I, personally, feel that it is a red flag that he had never told her about you, even though it sounds like they communicate with each other.

 

(In fact, I just got off the phone with my sister who has been dating a guy for 6 months. A male friend of hers just moved to town. She admitted that she has a crush on the male friend. She also admitted that she hadn't told the friend about her boyfriend. She said "well, it just hasn't come up" and "[The male friend] has never asked...and I don't ask about his personal life". After prodding her a bit, she admitted that, yes, maybe she was wondering if the male friend has a crush on her, too.)

 

I would also tell any male friend of mine coming to town that if he weren't comfortable meeting my boyfriend, then perhaps we should reserve a visit until he is ready to meet him. And if my boyfriend were to accommodate such a request from a female friend/ex-girlfriend of his, I would have serious reservations about continuing the relationship. Words that come to mind are selfish, rude, immature....

 

Lastly, under the circumstances you describe, I would not expect my boyfriend to be hanging out with such a female friend - that I don't know and have never met - until late at night without me being invited along.

 

Generally, I would trust my boyfriend if, say, he went to have a couple of drinks with a female friend, or bumped into a friend while he was out, etc. Again, though, under the circumstances that you described, I wouldn't really appreciate it.

 

So, even if you believe that he was faithful - and you would know better than any of us, based on your gut - it seems that some of this other stuff might need to be addressed.

 

 

These are some of the 'tests' that life puts us through as we progress in our relationships. These are some of the challenging times for us to experience and hurdles for us to leap. If someone is willing to talk about and work these issues out, that's a good sign.

[Trialbyfire]

Whether it's true or not that he did anything, you believe that he did. Bottom line, trust is the most important factor in any relationship. If you don't have trust, you don't have a real relationship.

 

Overall, there's plenty of red flags in your story. Move on.

[Cecelius]

Grrlish gave the best recitation of my position on this.

 

My g/f, when we were more or less just starting out with no significant commitment, went to her HS reunion (without me -- we were not like that yet) and re-met a guy she hadn't seen in years. He was apparently moving to our city, she found out, so she dropped him her cell number.

 

 

Anyway, a few months later he calls her up and asks her to do something -- the fact is she didn't handle it the right way. Rather than just say she'd love to do something with him and me, or something like that, she just avoided it (I guess) until eventually she agreed to have a dinner with him.

 

 

Let me state, I cannot fathom anything happened with this dude. But, the fact that she ended up on a Friday night having dinner and drinks with this guy -- I was shocked that she didn't see until after the fact how completely fishy that looked. I understand that to her it was a HS pal who didn't know anyone and she didn't want to make the "B/F" into some kind of obnoxious deflector and that she didn't invite me because she figured I wouldn't want to go, but the idea that this would get handled so poorly was beyond me.

 

I told her I was out until I thought it through, and basically let her know that any more dumb sh*t that looked like that and I was out. So far so good.

 

My situation was different because... well, it wasn't an ex and looking at the guy I could not believe it was an issue. But ultimately I agree with the OP -- I don't see it as an issue of trust, or rather, what I trust is that someone I'm inclined to have that level of relationship with will not do things that either are or have a substantial appearance of impropriety.

[Walk]

Good call on dumping him.

 

Grrlish said everything I was thinking. I second her opinion!

[JCD]

Me too, me too Seriously, looking at the situation from afar, it seems very fishy that he would want to hook up with her again and not involve you. If I was him I would tell her I have a g/f because I don't want her to get any ideas that something might develop between us.

[lorr]

Well done you did the right thing! If you were to go back to him he would probably do a better job at hiding other things from you.