Why has he stopped...

[DarkShadows]

Ok I am having a little problem here.

 

My boyfriend has stopped being affectionate towards me. After I found out he broke boundaries, etc. At one point we were having sex like everyday, hugging and kissing everyday now it has just come to a hault.

 

Yesterday he didn't hug, touch nor kiss me once. The night before he pissed me off and yesterday first thing in the morning he was cursing at me and an hour before bed he did the same.

 

He is completely obsessed about an online video game to the point where if he lags he gets so pissed off and seems hostile.

 

He's been brushing my kisses off. Like if we kiss he will wipe his mouth off. He's done this several times and I have told him how hurtful, insulting and disrespectful it is and he says I am slobbering on him when my lips are not even wet. He says I am spitting at his face which I am not. I have asked him twice to stop and he did it again the night before yesterday so I didn't kiss him or hug him yesterday at all and yet he didn't even make an attempt to hug or kiss me.

 

What the **** is going on with him.

 

The first time I found out about his infidelity he hugged and kissed me like every 30 minutes then all of a sudden stopped a week later. I have asked him to keep doing that several times but he won't. All he wants to do is play this stupid video game.

 

I finally had a day off yesterday and he said *Well I have things to do but since you have a day off I will stay home with you* Yet the whole day he was grumpy and cursing. I just don't understand. He never wants sex or to be touched. He kisses me like I am his mother.

 

He use to be all over me, now it has stopped, what gives?

[lovelorcet]

Ok so I know you have not really been interested in my input in the past but I will give it one last chance here. Let me start by saying that your bf is not respecting you and is not treating you the way he should. I think that we can both agree on that.

 

I have said this before and I will say it again you are trying to control him too much and he is shutting you out. You can’t force someone to be a certain way and I think that is what you are trying to do.

 

If you squeeze any tighter at some point he is going to just kick you to the curb.

 

The video game is like a drug or alcohol addiction and is an escape from his real life of you nagging him all the time. The video game needs to stop cold turkey for a while till everything as been smoothed out between you two.

 

You need to ask yourself the question as to why you are with a man how is not meeting or even trying to meet your emotional or physical needs…

 

So my advice is to clearly state what it is you are missing in the relationship to your bf in a calm and non-confrontational way and you need to get ready to leave. Start looking for your own place… I think he has already checked out of this relationship and he needs to decide on his own if he wants to check back in. There is nothing you can do to force him and if you try it will only backfire

[DarkShadows]

That is the thing I don't really nag him at all. Just once in awile I ask for more attention.

 

But the whole wiping his mouth after I kiss him is bugging me and I do not understand that.

[DarkShadows]

And another thing all this stopped after I found out about his cheating ways twice. Beforehand it was fine. He stopped after he got busted.

 

That's what I do not understand. I don't know if he wants me to let him continue looking at all this bs, which he stated he would not do. If he's unattracted to me now and is craving to look at it and if I let him if he will go back to how he once was or what. I can't talk to him, he always gets pissy.

 

It's like I do not know what he wants. He just wants his video games. And no he isn't escaping from me bitching at him, because I hardly bitch. I'm really quiet, honestly. He's been addictedt o this game for 3 years now, before me.. so.. It isn't me.

[DarkShadows]

---Let me start by saying that your bf is not respecting you and is not treating you the way he should.---

 

How do I get him to respect me again then? He stopped respecting me after I found out about all the lies and cheating... So now what?

 

I'm trying to save this relationship, because it was once good. And I know every relationship has it's up's and down's but how do I get him to be apart in making this work?

[Walk]

I tried to look up past threads you had started.. but I'm really sick of researching stuff for school and work.. so I'm not researching through X number of pages of posts you've done in the past.

 

What I gathered... You're bf has cheated on you twice already. He doesn't want you touching him. He is grossed out by physical contact. He gets upset at you over things you feel are minor, he avoids you by playing his video game all the time.... Anything else? I know I missed a lot...

 

Why do you stay with him? I'm curious. And how long have you two been together?

[Walk]

don't know if he wants me to let him continue looking at all this bs, which he stated he would not do. If he's unattracted to me now and is craving to look at it and if I let him if he will go back to how he once was or what.

 

I'm confused.. he looks at porn and that's cheating? Or he physically cheated on you? Can you give a brief recap for me?

[DarkShadows]

Well one I stay because I do love this man. Two, because I have no where to go and no money. I moved to a whole new country for him with him...

 

I do want this to work. He does make me happy at times, but it seems less and less and I have to beg for anything.

 

He didn't physically cheat. He made a boundary with me, which he stated first that 'looking at porn and getting off to other girls is cheating and I wouldn't do that.' Yadda yadda. I'm more upset that he lied to me and broke his trust and boundaries and prommises than the porn.

 

Yea I don't like him looking at it, but I wouldn't flip out if he hadn't made these boundaries with me and expects me to keep them but he won't.

[Walk]

Well... I did go back and read through the thread on the "lying about porn" thing.

 

From what I read... I believe he doesn't have respect for you. I bleieve he feels you will always be there for him. That you will take all his crap and he doesn't have to fear losing you. Worst he has to do is give an apology now and again to stop you from bitching at him.. but it comes off as insincere to you... which it probably is.

 

My suggestion. (not knowing your relationship as well as you do, so take what you want from this.) Show him he is going to lose you if he continues to treat you in ways you've specifically said not to. Do you have a job? Can you get one if your not a citizen?

 

Anyway.. sit him down and tell him you're going to leave if things don't change. If he blows you off.. then start packing. But you have to be serious about it. Don't expect him to stop you. I think he's over the relationship and just wants out, but doesn't have the guts to kick you out. I think he's just waiting for you to get so fed up that you leave. I think he lost total respect for you, and about the only thing you can do at that point is to remove yourself from him completely. No begging him to change, no asking him to apologize (yet again), not repeating how you don't like something.. just cooly and rationally state the facts, and the outcome of his actions if he insists on doing them.. then follow through.

 

If you don't have the money to move out, can you get a short term loan from a family member. Frankly, I don't have the closest connection with my family members but if anyone of them asked for help in a situation like you have... I'd be wiring them the money pronto. For your own sanity and well being (since he already broke your arm), getting away from him might be your wisest course of action.

 

He's not the person you thought you fell in love with. That man died. Whoever you're living with now, isn't that guy.

[lovelorcet]

---Let me start by saying that your bf is not respecting you and is not treating you the way he should.---

 

How do I get him to respect me again then? He stopped respecting me after I found out about all the lies and cheating... So now what?

 

I'm trying to save this relationship, because it was once good. And I know every relationship has it's up's and down's but how do I get him to be apart in making this work?

 

Boy, if you figure out that one let everyone know. I think that it is not very easy at all.

 

--"Well one I stay because I do love this man. Two, because I have no where to go and no money. I moved to a whole new country for him with him..."--

 

The last two are not really reasons to stay in an unhealthy relationship...

[Lisa32]

The first time you found out about his infidelity? And you're still with him? Do you honestly think it won't happen again? Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

I'm sorry if I'm a bit blunt, but like I've said to others in the past, I only give advice that I'd expect in return, so as not to waste my time. I think this guy either has an interest in someone else and hasn't done anything yet, is cheating again or has just plain old fallen out of love. It sounds like he's using the video game as an escape from your relationship. Wiping off the kisses, won't have sex with you, grouchy all the time (no it's not just the video game)...doesn't sound like a solid, healthy relationship...and I know it hurts you like crazy.

 

Now, I don't know you or him...and I don't know if he's out with "the boys" on certain days or certain nights...but you might want to figure out his pattern of leaving the house and when. This relationship doesn't sound healthy...and he's sounding more like a brother than a lover. He's staying because he's comfortable...plus I'm assuming you two live together, and it's not easy to get out of that type of relationship. I can't imagine that you're any happier in the relationship than he is.

 

The only thing you can do is sit down and talk to him. Confront him with questions, don't attack and accuse. Don't say "You don't do this anymore...or that..." You just want honest answers and you need to let him know that things are going to change. If he's lost his feelings for you, or is seeing another woman, you want the respect that you deserve and you want answers and truth. Tell him if he is seeing another woman, that he needs to get out of your home and be with her (he won't like that one)...that you can't waste anymore time on a relationship that doesn't fulfill you.

 

I think you may also have an idea of what's going on...it's just hard to admit it to yourself, because you don't want to believe it. Asking other people for advice, you might be hoping we could tell you it's something else. You know this man better than anyone on this site. You know his ups and downs and why he might be doing this. Whatever your first gutt instinct is, is usually the right one.

[Lisa32]

One more thing...it's going to be hard to gain back respect from him, because he's cheated on you twice and you've taken him back both times. He knows he can keep getting away with it. You should have broken up with him after the first time, and not taken him back very easily. After the second cheating, you should have ended it completely for good. At that point...you would have gotten his respect for life.

 

Also, he cheated...can you honestly say you have 100% respect and trust for him? Without trust and respect, there is no relationship.

[DarkShadows]

I asked him why everything has stopped and yadda yadda. He got very upset at first and was like things don't change because you just can't let it go. I said to him, in response, "so you want me to just let it go and be unhappy while you think everything is ok?" He said 'yes.'

 

Then we went outside to smoke and he knew I was u pset so he lifted my hand, by putting his finger under my chin very sweetly, and said what's wrong. I said 'I feel so guilty right now like I did something wrong, but I know I did nothing wrong. I told you how I was feeling." In respose he said the reason why in the beginning we were happy go lucky was because we didn't have anything to worry about, it was like a vacation for us. Now that we're worried about money and jobs, it's different...

 

So whatever. This is how he is, he will get upset once the convo has started but then an hour later be ok and wonder why I am upset because he wouldn't understand. Then he makes some excuse like the one above. Yeah I understand we're stressing over money, etc. But we both have jobs, although his just finished. So why should we cut out kissing and hugging and making love. It doesn't make sense to me.

 

I'm not trying to change him. I just want the attention and affection he once had for me back. That isn't changing a person. Changing a person would be like me changing the way he dressed or did his hair or his opinion and I do not do any of that stuff.

 

I guess I'll just sit back and see how it goes from here until I'm just so tired of posting about it I actually just say ok **** you and leave.

[littlepiggy1]

Ok I am having a little problem here.

 

My boyfriend has stopped being affectionate towards me. After I found out he broke boundaries, etc. At one point we were having sex like everyday, hugging and kissing everyday now it has just come to a hault.

 

He's probably feeling resentment.

 

I went through the same thing with my ex. She gradually wanted me to change/stop certain things as the relationship went on. That just made me resentful of her and I started to withdraw from her in the relationship. And now she's my ex.

 

Mind you, in my case it was stuff that I was open about early in the relationship and that she was intially okay with (or so she said). Based on your other thread, your b/f sounds like he's got some major guilt issues or something else to do with porn, coupled with this current issue. I think he needs to figure out his sh~t otherwise he won't be any good in a relationship.

[Arianna72]

If I recall you wrote somewhere that you moved to a new country for him. Curiosity, did you guys meet on-line? You also said that he said when you first got together it was like a vacation with no worries. Did you/or he actually visit the others country on vacation before getting together?

 

I ask these questions because I was in a very similar circumstance (only the other end). Years ago I met a guy online (yes online gaming), he came to the states to visit me for 3 weeks (vacation) and we had a great time together and felt like (yeah this is the one). When he went home we talked all the time on the phone and eventually decided that he would move here to be with me. The first couple months of him living here were good. The next couple okay. By the 6 month mark I knew I had made a horrible mistake. He was not the same person in day to day life as he was when he was vacationing here, and I realized I didn't even love him at all. I felt horribly guilty as he had left everything behind in Europe to be with me, I tried to make things work knowing I didn't really love him because I felt bad and in the process resented him and often treated him horribly. Eventually it ended and he went home to Europe but I still feel bad about the whole thing.

 

I am mentioning this because it very well may not be an excuse when he says stuff like

In the beginning we were happy go lucky was because we didn't have anything to worry about, it was like a vacation for us. Now that we're worried about money and jobs, it's different

 

It may be an indication that he is feeling some of the feelings I had. Especially if you two really did start your relationship during a "vacation" like period for either of you. Regardless it doesn't sound like this guy is treating you well at all, I think the above posters have given some great advice. Ask him point blank how he is feeling about you and try to talk to family or friends you have back home about maybe helping you get home if that is what needs to happen.