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He said "we need time apart"?


soft heart

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What should I do? He says we need time apart?

 

I have just come back from a weekend spent with my boyfriend. We spent a nice weekend but today we argued a little. I started to cry and he got really upset with me and told me that these kind of situations makes him hesitate to be sure about us. He told me that he thinks we need time apart. He reassured me he is not breaking up with me but he needs time to think about us, his life, his career plans. What do you think I should do? I wanted to find out from him today if he sees me in his future and he said that he feels like I am always pressuring to talk to me about us and he says our fights and my cries do not make him feel too convinced about us. When I was leaving today, he kissed me and said to me " see you ok?". He said he does not want anybody else, he just wants time on his own as he feels exhausted with everything. He said that we will not plan our next meeting now as he felt forced to meet me last time.

 

I was very sad to hear that but he said that he could not say no to me when I suggested to meet last weekend. I am starting to worry what his intentions really are with me as he seems to prefer not seeing me. He said he will miss me even if we won't see each other but he will not die. He also told me that he has enough stress with his own job, he does not need stress from me. What do you think about this? Should I worry that it's over between us and he just doesn't know how to tell me? But knowing him, he would have told me honestly if it was over. It scares me though that he does not need to see me so much like I do?

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You are becoming a girl he is not attracted to. Whiny, needy, unsure of herself.

 

Right now decide what it is you like to do and go do it. Have some fun, do some things you have wanted to do but did not because you wanted to spend time with him.

 

Seriously, he will be more attracted to independent, happy 'soft-heart' than wishy-washy 'soft-heart'.

 

Go find you!

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Dear Soft Heart,

 

It seems as though you have an important decision to make. You can give him an ultimatum and say 'let's work this out or I'm gone'. That may sound selfish on your part, but what about the alternative? The alternative being that you give this man control over your own well-being. Men, I'm one, too often say 'I need time' when they don't have the balls to say what they mean. Besides, any man worth relationing with would hopefull say 'I agree, let's work this out'. Just remember, you do have a voice in this.

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If there's one thing any woman should know about relationship it's that men are different. Men need space in a relationship. They're like rubber bands (as the book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus") explains. When women let them have space, showing the man they trust his decision to come back, the man will come back and show more affection and love than before. I've witnessed this happening a lot in my relationship. My boyfriend and I almost broke up once because I wasn't giving him enough space. My need to talk all the time and my self-consciousness turned him off. I went through weekends without communicating with him at all and the Monday after he'd come over and act like nothing had happened. I used to react angrily towards him and I pressured him to tell me why he needed space, but this would just push him away again. I learned that he felt like a man when he felt independant and he felt independant when he had space from me. I highly recommend reading the book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". And if you do, do not make the mistake of trying to force your boyfriend into reading it to, or trying to teach him everything you learned. That is too much pressure and will make him feel untrusted. Also, the way to support a man is to act appreciative. I started doing this with little things. Like when he'd open a door for me I'd thank him and tell him later how much I liked that. Or when he'd come to my house just to say goodbye when he'd leave for the weekend. I'd thank him for it. Now he does those things regularly because he knows I appreciate him.

The best thing you can do for yourself while you give him time is to spend time with your close girl friends. Let them build your self confidence and reassure you in your relationship. Go back to your man with a great positive attitude and he will be very attracted to you. If you don't trust my opinion, reading a book about how relationships work is very helpful and will tell you these same things and even more. I really hope everything goes well for you and that you don't drive yourself nuts like I did. At the very least just pretend you're in a good mood in front of him and you'll eventually feel that way.

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I completely agree with the advice given in the previous post. My own experiences also affirm it. While it seems many women can be happy spending all their time living in the context of a relationship, men need a life outside it to define themselves. They also run from pressure. My relationship with my boyfriend went through EXACTLY the same thing you are describing, and after reading hundreds of posts on LS I realized virtually EVERY relationship goes through this until both parties learn to deal with it in a better way, aka via communication and compromise instead of fights, repsressed anger, and break-ups. Your boyfriend probably likes you and wants to be with you, but is feeling the same kind of pressure all guys do at some point, and it's making him want to run from you, because he is getting more negative feelings from being around you than positive ones. Take a step back, do things that make you happy. Convince yourself, and him, that you can live without him, that you WANT him around but don't NEED him to be. That is what is attractive, and this attitude will help you feel better about yourself, too.

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Today is my first day where I have not contacted him. This silence between us is making me uncomfortable and it makes me feel like I want to break it and ask him what is on his mind and what is he feeling and if he still wants to be with me and why is he silent but something is telling me that if I do that, he might find my questions annoying? It's only one day and I am finding it hard. I have had a busy day where I was very busy so no time to think about it, however, now it's an evening, I am alone in my room and I am getting scared that I might have pushed him away from me and I am sad as normally he would have send me a small message.. I guess I should just continue being silent though. It's hard when I have absolutely no idea what he thinks? Is it something I should really worry about? He is a very honest guy so I think he would have told me if he wanted to break it off with me. He said we need time apart... it's so hard not knowing what the right thing is to do. I just don't want to loose him?

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I totally know what you mean. I know it's really difficult and it's hard to trust him to still love you but he will. If you do break the silence he will react by pushing you away even further. If he wanted to break up he would have told you, there's no reason for him to torture you. The time I broke the silence with my boyfriend, instead of waiting for him to contact me, was the only time we were on the brink of breaking up. Like I said I invaded his space and annoyed him with all my self-conscious questions and he just pushed further and further away from me. Soon he wouldn't even talk to me accept to say goodbye. That weekend he left me feeling as though we'd broken up. The first day I spent crying a lot and resenting him for making me think he was breaking up with me. I went through a lot of crazy feelings. Anyways, the weekend was the worst of my life because I had made that big mistake. Please just trust me when I say that he is not going to leave you and I urge you not to contact him at all and you need to spend time with some friends. Break down in front of a close friend if you have to. Friends are always encouraging and a great way to get all the angry and upset feelings to turn into excited and comfortable feelings. I feared talking to friends about my relationship because I thought they;'d tell me my relationship was completely screwed up. It turned out that everyone understood and encouraged me saying everything was normal in a relationship. Arguements and time apart are two things that will always accompany a relationship, just like love and affection. It's how you deal with those things that can make them better or worse.

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One day and you're freaking out? Wow. I'm starting to see why your bf requested some space...

 

Do not contact him, do not ask those questions, do not do anything!

 

DO go out and enjoy LIVING your LIFE! Take some fun dance classes, go out to dinner or see movies with your friends, take up gardening or swimming or whatever, but stop sitting around your empty house and pining away for him and obsessing what he's thinking!

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I have not contacted him since Monday. Today is Thursday. It's really strange that we are silent like this. I feel quite confused actually. I know that he sometimes does this to me when he gets stressed but each time I get so scared because I worry this time it might mean that it's over? Anyway, he is a pretty honest guy even if it hurts sometimes and I think he would have said so if he wanted to finish it or if he wanted to play the field? I know that he is extremely unhappy in his job and it stresses him out too much. He said he needed to look for a new job and he said that my upset feelings towards him do not support him. He is going on vacation with his best buddy next Thursday for 2 weeks so I wonder if he contacts me when he comes back or before that. To be honest, I would prefer if he did after he comes back because he would have a lot of time to think but I just don't know. The only thing I know is that I will not be the first one to contact him. I am not sure if it's the right thing though because he might think that I am not intersted in him anymore? I just don't get how we could go from calling each other honey and texting each other almost every day last month to this silence.. I guess I am trying to trust him when he said to me that he is not breaking up with me, he needed time to think about situation as it is a long-distance and we need to come up with some kind of solution for that. I just don't know...

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I have not contacted him since Monday. Today is Thursday. It's really strange that we are silent like this. I feel quite confused actually. I know that he sometimes does this to me when he gets stressed but each time I get so scared because I worry this time it might mean that it's over?

 

Do you generally feel insecure in relationships, or are the feelings you're getting related specifically to this one? When I read this...

 

We spent a nice weekend but today we argued a little. I started to cry and he got really upset with me and told me that these kind of situations makes him hesitate to be sure about us.

 

...I felt concerned for you. Being in a relationship with someone who isn't sure about you isn't a great place to be...especially once they start trying to identify various reasons for perhaps not wanting to be with you. That can very quickly become destructive and leave you feeling like crap.

 

If anyone - lover, family member or friend, starts behaving in a distant manner, it's best to take that as an opportunity to catch up on things you've been meaning to get around to doing...and also to nurture the other relationships in your life. Don't be that girl who's hovering in someone else's personal space when they've made it clear that they want some alone time. Far better to start learning how to appreciate a bit of that alone time yourself.

 

If this is a newish relationship, it might be that you have neglected other areas in your life. Now's the time to catch up with them. Sitting around feeling insecure and worrying about whether your bf really wants to be with you will achieve nothing, and will only increase tensions when you are spending time with him.

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burning 4 revenge

In my experience, if they aren't sure they want to be with you, they are going to be looking for reasons not to be with you.

 

It essentially means that they are comfortable with you most likely, but maybe want to keep their options open for something they find more exciting and when they see the potential for something more exciting they are going to pounce on every little reason they either truly feel, or have simply manufactured to convince themselves that you are not right for them.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but there it is.

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When women let them have space, showing the man they trust his decision to come back, the man will come back and show more affection and love than before.

 

Ha ha! That is really a load of bologny! I have tried that with my boyfriend and generally he comes back silent and says "What's up?" No hugs or kisses.. nothing.. but then again he's a hard stubborn hot headed man who doesn't have much 'feelings' except anger. *lol*

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In my opinion if someone, be a girl or guy, says 'I need time apart" means something bad. Whether it be they want to "cheat" and have a fling with someone else, or just not interested in you.

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Today is Saturday and since last Monday, I haven't heard anything from him. I really don't know what to think? It looks like he has moved on and he has silently broken up with me and he is not coming back. I am starting to feel like he has forgotten all about me, he might have met someone else and now he is happy to be without me. I am hearbroken :( I am not sure if I should contact him and ask him if he has finished with me because it's very worrying me that he has gone completely silent?:(

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I am not sure if I should contact him and ask him if he has finished with me because it's very worrying me that he has gone completely silent?:(

 

No - don't do that. If you do, you're just perpetuating that whole image he has of you being insecure and needy. At this stage, your focus should be 100% on maintaining self respect. You've given him all he needs to know how you feel, and if he's not giving anything back then it's time for you to get out.

 

Even if this is a temporary blip, he's giving you an idea of how he functions. ie...sometimes going for several days without contacting you. It's obviously been making you feel crap all week. How many more weeks like that are you going to put yourself through? Relationships are meant to enhance your life, not make you sit around feeling miserable.

 

I'm getting the impression that this is a relationship that's still in its early stages...therefore if you get out now, you should recover relatively quickly.

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rivercitygal668

Soft Heart I'm in the same boat as you(I posted in the breaking up section)... haven't heard a peep from my guy since Monday! I keep saying that "if you love something set it free" crap over and over. I KNOW we were good together and if he thinks the same he'll be back. (that goes for you too)

 

IF NOT, then he isn't one...it will hurt but it won't kill us!

 

You're (we're) doing the right thing by venting here...I'm NOT going to call and you shouldn't either!

 

-r.e.d.

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Please help me, I made a big mistake and we might be now broken up

 

So I stayed strong for a week but on Monday morning I could not go on anymore and I texted him. I asked him how he was doing and what does his silence mean. I said I worry. He texted me back a couple of hours later and he said "Hello my dear, don't be surprised, you know that I told you I need time to think about us as you want me to be sure about you and our relationship and I am not now so I cannot help." I wish I left it at that. I texted him back and I told him that I respect his wish for taking his time but how long does he need for that? He replied and said to me that he does not like how I put pressure on him and that it does not work this way. I told him that I think it's only fair for me to ask as I already waited for him 2 months ago and I don't feel comfortable when we are silent. He said to me that I always look for a problem in each situation and that I am pushing him. I then asked him to call me and so he did. However, we ended up arguing and he said that he asked for time to think as I got us into this situation as I was the one who brought up the subject of the future and where our relationship is going and as I wanted him to be completely sure about me if I am the one girl for him. He then told him if I want a solution now, he will leave for good as I am pushing him. I started to cry and he said that that's the last thing he wants to hear. He said that he has been so stressed with everything and I only bring him troubles. He said that this is what makes him think that I might not be the girl for him. He then told me that it seems to him I am asking for break up and he said if that's what I want, he will leave. He said that he is too upset as I never support him and he always has to spend his time making me feel better and he said he was exhausted from that.

 

Anyway, he then told me that he is leaving. I called him back and I told him that I don't want to break up at all. I said that I want to be with him but I just find it hard how he always asks for time away from me. He said he is doing it because I am never happy with he has to offer and I always ask for more and he said he can't give me that. He said to give him a break and to leave him alone. He is going on a vacation with his best friend tomorrow. He said he may call me after but he may not. I was so hurt. I could not sleep at all. In the morning I apologised for being so emotional and I told him if he could forgive me that I will give him the time he needs and I appreciate that he is taking time to think about us. He replied and he said that he has problems at work, his grandma who he is closed to is in the hospital, he had a job interview, he hasn't been on holidays for a long time so he is exhausted and he had to think about us. He said now when I pushed him too far, I want him to think about us again. He said he will not forgive me this time as I am bringing more and more troubles to him and I am bringing our relationship more and more down. I told him that I will give him the time alone and I love him and I care for him and I was sorry to hear about his problems and I told him that I only cry because it hurts to think I could loose him. He replied and said to leave him alone as we agreeed. I texted him today and I told him that I wished him good holidays as he is leaving for 2 weeks to Asia and a safe flight and that I hoped he was ok. He did not reply I am so scared.

 

Is it too late? Please help me

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All you can do is leave him alone. I know it is killing you and you're in pain, but you gotta leave him alone...

 

I don't know if it is too late, but the way he is acting with you right now, it is a possibility.

 

Cry, scream, vent, do whatever you need to do but DO NOT let this man ruin your life. He's made it very clear what he expects right now, so you're going to have to give him the space...While he's away, ENJOY yourself too! Have fun with friends, they can help you through this! You can't sit, cry and worry about your relationship as it's out of your control right now.

 

Hope for the best, expect the worst...I know that sucks to hear, but it seems you contacting him at all is just going to make things worse.

 

Let him MISS you. Which is why you need to keep busy so you won't focus on him. Don't put ANY energy into him whatsoever! The time will come when he does call, then you can sort things out, if you choose to. who knows, maybe in afew weeks, you'll feel fed up and not want him as your boyfriend. Maybe too much pain, or how he has handled things, (immaturely I think, and he's been rude to you too) could turn you off completely.

 

Hang in there, keep busy and try not to let the next weeks go by without having fun and good days.

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Hello all,

 

thanks for your replies.

 

So my boyfriend has gone travelling with his best buddy for a couple of weeks. I could not tell him to have a safe flight as they have been so many accidents and I obviously care about him too much not to say anything. So on Thursday I sent him a message and I told him that I wish him a good trip and a safe flight. He replied and said thanks for that. I asked him if he could tell me if we are still together or if he has broken up the relationship and he replied and said "yes we are" and he put kisses... I said to him I thanked him for the message as it made me feel better. I have not heard from him since and I have not attempted contact with him. I am now going to leave him alone and let him enjoy his holidays that he has been waiting so long. He should be back in about 2 weeks. I am scared he may not call me again but I am hoping that time away will help us to be ok again. But he reassured me so I hope we can meet again but I will not suggest anything about our next meeting. I will try to leave it up to him.

 

I just worry that if he is so far away now, he is in Asia, he will all forget about me and he won't think about me. I remember when he went to Canada with his friend last year, I did not hear from him for a few days and then he sent me a sweet email from Canada and when he got back, he was calling me all excited to hear me and see me. But now we are emotionally so distant, I am sad to think that the same thing could happen to us again..

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today is sunday and i'm guessing it was almost a week ago that it was your day apart? i'd say by tomorrow perhaps you should call him or message him really briefly. infact, plan to do something.. like go out with friends to a movie or something like that. and right before you go out you could call him and say whats up.

and since you have plans .. you know it will be a brief conversation. a light conversation. something that wont hassle him or anything. be totally understanding with whatever he says. and you know what!

if he wants to break up.. thats juts FINE AND DANDY> hes not worth all this stress.

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I was in a relationship somewhat like yours for quite a while. I had never been the insecure type but he wore me down,

 

I felt insecure in the relationship because he basically gave me no reason to feel secure (and many reasons to wonder where he was at) He would then blame me for wanting more from him and basically said very similar things to what you typed and he loved talking about how "exhausted" he was (I grew to really hate that word). He would complain that my insecurity and need to discuss where are relationship was at was what was causing things to not work, the reality was that his lack of any desire to help me feel secure was the real problem. When someone actually loves you and wants to be with you, even when they need space they will make sure that you know exactly where they are at and how much they care about you.

 

After finally seperating from the mess of that relationship and much time to reflect on it I came to realize how close to emotional abuse what he was doing to me was. Over the course of many years he broke me down and made me believe that my desires for closeness and communication were somehow "bad" and the reality is there is nothing wrong with recoginizing what you need from someone and telling them.

 

I know there are plenty of very clingy and insecure people in the world but it bothers me that some people assume that any woman who is confused by her partners lack of ability to communicate and be close to her and is reaching out to them trying to understand is somehow clingy....

 

 

Ohh and to add on this whole "Men are from Mars" stuff. I read that book long ago (when I was in above relationship) and thought wow!!! this book has all the answers. After finally getting away and really going over who I was and what I needed I realized how destructive that tripe really was.

 

Please any women (or men) out there who are buying into the fake "Dr. Gray" tripe check out this website.. she says things far better than I ever could.

 

http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/women_rebuttal_from_uranus/

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Today is Saturday and since last Monday, I haven't heard anything from him. I really don't know what to think? It looks like he has moved on and he has silently broken up with me and he is not coming back. I am starting to feel like he has forgotten all about me, he might have met someone else and now he is happy to be without me. I am hearbroken :( I am not sure if I should contact him and ask him if he has finished with me because it's very worrying me that he has gone completely silent?:(

 

You know what? Leave him alone. This is more passive-aggressive twaddle on his end than you need. And frankly, you really need to be working on yourself. Seriously, you sound like me YEARS ago, and rest assured, that sucked. Please don't take what I am about to say as judgemental. I am actually writing because I am concerned. You are clingy because you cannot see your own value and identity. Don't let things (i.e. relationships, type of work, education, collection of Indian arrowheads, whatever) determine who YOU are. You are you, and now is the time to figure out who that person is. So he doesn't call you. So what? The same crap happened to me years ago. I agonized over it, and now I regret the time I have wasted doing that. Take some time for yourself and go out and do stuff (i.e. meet people, learn a new musical instrument, amass a collection of Indian arrowheads, whatever) This may sound cold, but YOU might actually realize that he's not all that and a bag of chips either. Know'm sayin'?

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Hello everyone,

 

I am feeling really low today. I am feeling scared and I am feeling really confused. It's been exactly 10 days since I heard from my boyfriend. He has been away on holidays with his best friend and he is not coming back until 25th September. I know that we kind of agreed that until he comes back, I leave him alone to think but I cannot help thinking that he might not be coming back? He has not sent me any message at all or email from his trip so I assume he forgot all about me and is having fun and does not even think about me.

 

It's been very hard at times not to hear from him. I have not made any contact with him even though I have moments where I feel like I would like to send him a small message just to ask how his holidays has been but I am afraid to do that.

 

I am feeling pretty sad worrying he might not call me again. Before he left for his holidays, I told him that he has to make decision and let me know when he comes back and if he does not call, it means he does not want to be with me anymore. He told me that it's not the best way to help our situation by making ultimatums but I just couldn't imagine waiting here again for him. We are in a long-distance relationship so I cannot see him frequently and when he asks for time away from me, it makes it harder for me. I know I probably pushed him away but I couldn't accept his doubts about me after so long.

 

I just don't know what else to do. I have been very busy this last week, focusing on myself, working, meeting friends, going out but his silence is making me feel worried. I am just really scared that we are not together again. I did ask him before he left if we are still together as his reassurance would make me feel better and he replied and said we are but I just don't feel his love and I actually feel like he is so much happier just to be with his friends without me and he does not need me in his life. I am so disappointed and I am starting to feel hurt about this. :(

 

Thanks for listening and for all your help!

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I know that you all advised not to contact him and I appreciate your advice. Please don't think that I was ignoring it. However, after 16 days of not hearing from him, I decided to send him a message. I asked myself this morning if I was contacting for reassurance. In a way yes but I think it was mostly because these days planes crash down so often and I just really wanted to make sure he was ok. So I sent him a short message asking him how he is and told him that I hoped he was enjoying his holidays. I thought to myself that he may not reply and I said to myself that I will be ok with that even though it will be hard to accept. However, he did reply an hour later. He told me that he was good and he was having good holidays and that he is flying back tomorrow night and then he asked me how I was and he put three small kisses behind the message.. He did not call me "my dear" like he usually does so he has definitely pulled away from me but at this point I don't expect anything from him than knowing he is fine and I am happy he replied.

 

 

 

I sent him one back and said that I am glad he was ok and that he was having a good time and I told him that I am good and that I am enjoying my weekend. I said to him that I am wishing an enjoyable rest of his holidays and a safe flight back.

 

 

 

I know that it's not easy knowing that he is distant but I guess at this time it's not a good idea to discuss anything like our relationship or our situation. I just wanted to show him and proove myself that I can just send him a light-hearted message without being heavy or demanding.

 

 

 

What do you think?

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