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He said "we need time apart"?


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Old 28th August 2006, 5:52 PM   #1
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Exclamation He said "we need time apart"?

What should I do? He says we need time apart?

I have just come back from a weekend spent with my boyfriend. We spent a nice weekend but today we argued a little. I started to cry and he got really upset with me and told me that these kind of situations makes him hesitate to be sure about us. He told me that he thinks we need time apart. He reassured me he is not breaking up with me but he needs time to think about us, his life, his career plans. What do you think I should do? I wanted to find out from him today if he sees me in his future and he said that he feels like I am always pressuring to talk to me about us and he says our fights and my cries do not make him feel too convinced about us. When I was leaving today, he kissed me and said to me " see you ok?". He said he does not want anybody else, he just wants time on his own as he feels exhausted with everything. He said that we will not plan our next meeting now as he felt forced to meet me last time.

I was very sad to hear that but he said that he could not say no to me when I suggested to meet last weekend. I am starting to worry what his intentions really are with me as he seems to prefer not seeing me. He said he will miss me even if we won't see each other but he will not die. He also told me that he has enough stress with his own job, he does not need stress from me. What do you think about this? Should I worry that it's over between us and he just doesn't know how to tell me? But knowing him, he would have told me honestly if it was over. It scares me though that he does not need to see me so much like I do?
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Old 28th August 2006, 6:03 PM   #2
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You are becoming...

You are becoming a girl he is not attracted to. Whiny, needy, unsure of herself.

Right now decide what it is you like to do and go do it. Have some fun, do some things you have wanted to do but did not because you wanted to spend time with him.

Seriously, he will be more attracted to independent, happy 'soft-heart' than wishy-washy 'soft-heart'.

Go find you!
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Old 28th August 2006, 6:09 PM   #3
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Dear Soft Heart,

It seems as though you have an important decision to make. You can give him an ultimatum and say 'let's work this out or I'm gone'. That may sound selfish on your part, but what about the alternative? The alternative being that you give this man control over your own well-being. Men, I'm one, too often say 'I need time' when they don't have the balls to say what they mean. Besides, any man worth relationing with would hopefull say 'I agree, let's work this out'. Just remember, you do have a voice in this.
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Old 28th August 2006, 6:25 PM   #4
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If there's one thing any woman should know about relationship it's that men are different. Men need space in a relationship. They're like rubber bands (as the book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus") explains. When women let them have space, showing the man they trust his decision to come back, the man will come back and show more affection and love than before. I've witnessed this happening a lot in my relationship. My boyfriend and I almost broke up once because I wasn't giving him enough space. My need to talk all the time and my self-consciousness turned him off. I went through weekends without communicating with him at all and the Monday after he'd come over and act like nothing had happened. I used to react angrily towards him and I pressured him to tell me why he needed space, but this would just push him away again. I learned that he felt like a man when he felt independant and he felt independant when he had space from me. I highly recommend reading the book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". And if you do, do not make the mistake of trying to force your boyfriend into reading it to, or trying to teach him everything you learned. That is too much pressure and will make him feel untrusted. Also, the way to support a man is to act appreciative. I started doing this with little things. Like when he'd open a door for me I'd thank him and tell him later how much I liked that. Or when he'd come to my house just to say goodbye when he'd leave for the weekend. I'd thank him for it. Now he does those things regularly because he knows I appreciate him.
The best thing you can do for yourself while you give him time is to spend time with your close girl friends. Let them build your self confidence and reassure you in your relationship. Go back to your man with a great positive attitude and he will be very attracted to you. If you don't trust my opinion, reading a book about how relationships work is very helpful and will tell you these same things and even more. I really hope everything goes well for you and that you don't drive yourself nuts like I did. At the very least just pretend you're in a good mood in front of him and you'll eventually feel that way.
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Old 28th August 2006, 10:59 PM   #5
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I completely agree with the advice given in the previous post. My own experiences also affirm it. While it seems many women can be happy spending all their time living in the context of a relationship, men need a life outside it to define themselves. They also run from pressure. My relationship with my boyfriend went through EXACTLY the same thing you are describing, and after reading hundreds of posts on LS I realized virtually EVERY relationship goes through this until both parties learn to deal with it in a better way, aka via communication and compromise instead of fights, repsressed anger, and break-ups. Your boyfriend probably likes you and wants to be with you, but is feeling the same kind of pressure all guys do at some point, and it's making him want to run from you, because he is getting more negative feelings from being around you than positive ones. Take a step back, do things that make you happy. Convince yourself, and him, that you can live without him, that you WANT him around but don't NEED him to be. That is what is attractive, and this attitude will help you feel better about yourself, too.
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Old 29th August 2006, 7:25 PM   #6
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Today is my first day where I have not contacted him. This silence between us is making me uncomfortable and it makes me feel like I want to break it and ask him what is on his mind and what is he feeling and if he still wants to be with me and why is he silent but something is telling me that if I do that, he might find my questions annoying? It's only one day and I am finding it hard. I have had a busy day where I was very busy so no time to think about it, however, now it's an evening, I am alone in my room and I am getting scared that I might have pushed him away from me and I am sad as normally he would have send me a small message.. I guess I should just continue being silent though. It's hard when I have absolutely no idea what he thinks? Is it something I should really worry about? He is a very honest guy so I think he would have told me if he wanted to break it off with me. He said we need time apart... it's so hard not knowing what the right thing is to do. I just don't want to loose him?
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Old 29th August 2006, 10:34 PM   #7
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I totally know what you mean. I know it's really difficult and it's hard to trust him to still love you but he will. If you do break the silence he will react by pushing you away even further. If he wanted to break up he would have told you, there's no reason for him to torture you. The time I broke the silence with my boyfriend, instead of waiting for him to contact me, was the only time we were on the brink of breaking up. Like I said I invaded his space and annoyed him with all my self-conscious questions and he just pushed further and further away from me. Soon he wouldn't even talk to me accept to say goodbye. That weekend he left me feeling as though we'd broken up. The first day I spent crying a lot and resenting him for making me think he was breaking up with me. I went through a lot of crazy feelings. Anyways, the weekend was the worst of my life because I had made that big mistake. Please just trust me when I say that he is not going to leave you and I urge you not to contact him at all and you need to spend time with some friends. Break down in front of a close friend if you have to. Friends are always encouraging and a great way to get all the angry and upset feelings to turn into excited and comfortable feelings. I feared talking to friends about my relationship because I thought they;'d tell me my relationship was completely screwed up. It turned out that everyone understood and encouraged me saying everything was normal in a relationship. Arguements and time apart are two things that will always accompany a relationship, just like love and affection. It's how you deal with those things that can make them better or worse.
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Old 29th August 2006, 11:16 PM   #8
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One day and you're freaking out? Wow. I'm starting to see why your bf requested some space...

Do not contact him, do not ask those questions, do not do anything!

DO go out and enjoy LIVING your LIFE! Take some fun dance classes, go out to dinner or see movies with your friends, take up gardening or swimming or whatever, but stop sitting around your empty house and pining away for him and obsessing what he's thinking!
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Old 31st August 2006, 7:10 PM   #9
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I have not contacted him since Monday. Today is Thursday. It's really strange that we are silent like this. I feel quite confused actually. I know that he sometimes does this to me when he gets stressed but each time I get so scared because I worry this time it might mean that it's over? Anyway, he is a pretty honest guy even if it hurts sometimes and I think he would have said so if he wanted to finish it or if he wanted to play the field? I know that he is extremely unhappy in his job and it stresses him out too much. He said he needed to look for a new job and he said that my upset feelings towards him do not support him. He is going on vacation with his best buddy next Thursday for 2 weeks so I wonder if he contacts me when he comes back or before that. To be honest, I would prefer if he did after he comes back because he would have a lot of time to think but I just don't know. The only thing I know is that I will not be the first one to contact him. I am not sure if it's the right thing though because he might think that I am not intersted in him anymore? I just don't get how we could go from calling each other honey and texting each other almost every day last month to this silence.. I guess I am trying to trust him when he said to me that he is not breaking up with me, he needed time to think about situation as it is a long-distance and we need to come up with some kind of solution for that. I just don't know...
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Old 31st August 2006, 7:35 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by soft heart View Post
I have not contacted him since Monday. Today is Thursday. It's really strange that we are silent like this. I feel quite confused actually. I know that he sometimes does this to me when he gets stressed but each time I get so scared because I worry this time it might mean that it's over?
Do you generally feel insecure in relationships, or are the feelings you're getting related specifically to this one? When I read this...

Quote:
We spent a nice weekend but today we argued a little. I started to cry and he got really upset with me and told me that these kind of situations makes him hesitate to be sure about us.
...I felt concerned for you. Being in a relationship with someone who isn't sure about you isn't a great place to be...especially once they start trying to identify various reasons for perhaps not wanting to be with you. That can very quickly become destructive and leave you feeling like crap.

If anyone - lover, family member or friend, starts behaving in a distant manner, it's best to take that as an opportunity to catch up on things you've been meaning to get around to doing...and also to nurture the other relationships in your life. Don't be that girl who's hovering in someone else's personal space when they've made it clear that they want some alone time. Far better to start learning how to appreciate a bit of that alone time yourself.

If this is a newish relationship, it might be that you have neglected other areas in your life. Now's the time to catch up with them. Sitting around feeling insecure and worrying about whether your bf really wants to be with you will achieve nothing, and will only increase tensions when you are spending time with him.
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Old 31st August 2006, 7:44 PM   #11
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In my experience, if they aren't sure they want to be with you, they are going to be looking for reasons not to be with you.

It essentially means that they are comfortable with you most likely, but maybe want to keep their options open for something they find more exciting and when they see the potential for something more exciting they are going to pounce on every little reason they either truly feel, or have simply manufactured to convince themselves that you are not right for them.

Sorry to be harsh, but there it is.
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Old 1st September 2006, 3:10 PM   #12
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When women let them have space, showing the man they trust his decision to come back, the man will come back and show more affection and love than before.
Ha ha! That is really a load of bologny! I have tried that with my boyfriend and generally he comes back silent and says "What's up?" No hugs or kisses.. nothing.. but then again he's a hard stubborn hot headed man who doesn't have much 'feelings' except anger. *lol*
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Old 1st September 2006, 3:12 PM   #13
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In my opinion if someone, be a girl or guy, says 'I need time apart" means something bad. Whether it be they want to "cheat" and have a fling with someone else, or just not interested in you.
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Old 2nd September 2006, 9:47 AM   #14
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Today is Saturday and since last Monday, I haven't heard anything from him. I really don't know what to think? It looks like he has moved on and he has silently broken up with me and he is not coming back. I am starting to feel like he has forgotten all about me, he might have met someone else and now he is happy to be without me. I am hearbroken I am not sure if I should contact him and ask him if he has finished with me because it's very worrying me that he has gone completely silent?
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Old 2nd September 2006, 10:19 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by soft heart View Post
I am not sure if I should contact him and ask him if he has finished with me because it's very worrying me that he has gone completely silent?
No - don't do that. If you do, you're just perpetuating that whole image he has of you being insecure and needy. At this stage, your focus should be 100% on maintaining self respect. You've given him all he needs to know how you feel, and if he's not giving anything back then it's time for you to get out.

Even if this is a temporary blip, he's giving you an idea of how he functions. ie...sometimes going for several days without contacting you. It's obviously been making you feel crap all week. How many more weeks like that are you going to put yourself through? Relationships are meant to enhance your life, not make you sit around feeling miserable.

I'm getting the impression that this is a relationship that's still in its early stages...therefore if you get out now, you should recover relatively quickly.
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