VERY Long.. just a warning lol about ex

[Grrr]

Unfortunately, im going to have to make this a long one in order for you guys to almost fully understand what the jist is...

 

I was with my boyfriend for 2 years, we had moved into our own house together after the first year, well... his friend lodged with us... and we were there for a year. I was a naggy girlfriend. I have always had low self esteem and id always ask him, looking back, pathetic questions... like he went out with a girl for his lunch alot of the time in work and i would always ask if he had feelings for her, or if he liked anyone would he tell me... and bla bla, VERY jealous person ill admit. And he made me cry alot because he would tell me he does not care anymore. But then after those barneys things would be ok again bla bla... until the next time, i couldnt seem to stop myself.

 

Anyway, the place he works offers him a job over in america, his job involves travel already, but this time, it meant if he liked it there.. he could live there...... so he was going to stay there for 3 months.. come home, then maybe go out for another 3 months when the weather changes, then come back and decide if he wants it permanent.

 

He goes, im really gutted, miss him.. go and stay with my parents while he is away because... well i dunnoo... not the whole time but i didnt like his friend much. But i knew he was trustworthy.

He goes, i visit him halfway through, things are fab, lovely place. HE LOVES IT.

 

I come home, i get a bit emotional one night and start saying how much i miss him... he tells me hes decided to stay.. he says it was obvious he was going to have to stay there... if he said no to the opportunity then his work would never give him this chance again... and he had more friends there, the work was better, more money etc... so im like completely broken...

 

He comes home, for 1 WEEK in april and we see eachother, i am obviously a mess, he knows this, but he absolutely isnt. I keep saying i dont want him to go, please dont leave me. If you loved me you wouldnt do this. And he says " do love you but you have to understand i cant say no to this, and you coming with me is not an option, its going to be hard enough getting me there even with my trade" feeds me all this... then at the last night, i am crying my eyes out, i do, unbelievably love him deeply, it hurt me physically so bad and i was a mess about it, handled the situation pretty bad. He looked at me, after a bit of a talk, and questions.. cant remember what.. and says "i love you, but im not in love with you anymore" by this point my heart is just acheing. He just watches. He was not completely heartless, he gave me a hug etc... he wasnt like emotionless he didnt want to hurt me i know he had a big decision to make.. he sounds quite cold looking over this, but he did say to me, he has to act cold, cos if he doesnt i could easily persuade him to stay. and then if i got my way. In fture he would resent me for it, if we split up, he would hate me, and blame me for ruinging things. which is quite understandable.

 

He goes....

 

I cant remember much of the next few months, its all been a blur... hes gone, we talk alot still.. i still act jealous, we play an online game together. I occupy myself, try to do NC and get away, i cant sleep in our bed anymore, ive slept on the couch. I cry every single night, but when we talk, as friends like agreed, i always find myself questioning what hes been doing, if hes met anyone. absolutely paranoid, the idea of him with someone else makes me feel sick.

 

Anyway, last couple of weeks in July, i cut off contact completely.. i cant handle it. Then, i find out hes home in afew days. He comes home.... i see him on msn and he says hi, we get chatting a bit, he says how hes gutted hes back here, he has nothing here for him.. bored. I say bla bla bla, im going to the bank, he says ill meet you there.. i didnt decline. we met. we walked and talked for absolute HOURS. Nothing awkward, nothing really weird, ffelt normal. He told me a friend i had slightly confided in about our break up had tried to make a move on him... i was pretty gutted about that... we justtalked about everything. Then the end of the night i say give me a hug, as we are about to leavwe... he says "do you want to see me again?" i say ill speak to you tomorrow maybe.. and walk inside.

 

Next day, we meet up... i cant even remember what we did.... but at the end of the night, we ended up just hugging, leaning against the wall in the road, just hugging for ages, confessing loads of things to eachother we never really wanted to say. He told me he missed me, that when he said he didnt love me anymore, it was just something he had to convince himself of, but he never really meant it. It was so... like... there was so much lust in the way we were just standing. hugging, legs kind of fitting perfectly between.... ya know? and we were doing all the stupid rubbing our noses on eachothers necks, sweet stuff... i kissd his neck bla bla bla, then we ended up kissing and ... *aherm* yeah... anyway.. ever since that night i saw him every night. We both kept saying how it just felt like we had never been apart. Never once did he actually say he still loved me.... which has made me wonder. We decided to go to paris together, spur of the moment so we went. it was amazing. I was so hoping maybe he would propose but he didnt.

 

We came home, saw eachother still... cuddled in bed, he stayed with me. Everything was brilliant. I felt happy... and normal, total weight lifted. Then he went back... I dont know how i feel. I feel almost asif maybe i was just something familiar he got reattached to while he was here because he wasnt friends with anyone anymore over here... maybe because he missed sex? i feel almost cheap. Hes back there now.. and ya know, we talk.. but i dont feel how we were... obviously there is nothing more that can happen. but he has asked me to go and visit him over there. I am absolutely terrified that i was just sex... something to do to pass the time...... Im more confused than i ever was... i hurt real bad now.

 

I mean, go n see him? what good would it do? hes staying there.... it wouldnt matter... nothing i do will make him stay with me. I would totally marry this man but... im so scared he does not realistically want me. maybe it was just the passion of the moment, seeng eachother after so long.. ya know?

 

im sorry this was so long..... i just need a little sinight into what i should do...

 

so appreciate for reading this if you made it this far lol

[newbby]

well, you already said you are insecure and paranoid, so you could just be being insecure and paranoid! i mean he has said he wants you to come over. on the other hand you may be completely right. perhaps before you make a decision, you should ask him a few questions. what this is to him exactly etc. if it is that he loves you, is it still impossible for you to move there? what are the reasons for this? the worrying thing in my book is that he only contacted you when he was back in your home town.

[britchick]

You are never going to know what he wants without asking him. He has asked to you go and see him, so perhaps he wants a LDR. Do you think you could handle this? If not, you have to ask him not to contact you because it hurts too much, but let him know why.