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Unreliable boyfriend


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Old 13th August 2006, 5:00 PM   #1
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Unreliable boyfriend

I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 months, knew him for about year before that. He's an amazing boyfriend and I could see this really working out, but lately I've noticed something that bothers me more and more.

He has a habit of breaking plans or backing out at the last minute. Like today he was supposed to come over. I didn't hear from him until 3:30 and he tells me he just got up and doesn't think he's going to be heading into the city today. Or he'll tell me he's leaving to meet me at 2:00 and doesn't make it to my place until 6 or 7 at night. Or he'll tell me he's not feeling very well and is going to just hang out at his place. I only see him once or twice a week as it is, so when he breaks plans it's very dissapointing.

Sometime it feels like I'm dating an old man. I'm 24, he's 25...apparently going on 75. He's not into going out and doing the whole nightlife thing anymore, doesn't like staying out late so much, etc. I'm not into that scene as much I used to be either, but I do like going out.

I don't really want to make a huge deal of it, but any thoughts here? I've gotten to the point where I don't really expect him to follow through with his plans. I knew he wasn't going to come see me today...I just knew. I've spent too many days waiting for him to get here and then he messages me saying he's not coming. So rather than waste my day waiting, I just do my own thing and wait for the message. And it sucks.

But like I said, I like him very very much and I know the feelings are mutual. I think both of us see long term here, but this whole unreliable thing is getting old.
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Old 13th August 2006, 5:15 PM   #2
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I think you should tell him how much it hurts you to keep breaking plans like this. He can't treat you this way.

I'd be pissed at my boyfriend if he did this to me all the time.

Good luck
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Old 13th August 2006, 5:26 PM   #3
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I went through the same thing with my last bf, but I only put up with it for about 3-4 months, after I talked to him about how much it bothered me, he promised to change, but then things got very different. His attitude completely changed, and when he saw me, he played a big guilt trip on me and made me feel like he only came over because he felt obligated, and not because he really wanted to be there.

To me, it shows a complete lack of respect for you, and shows you that you are not a priority in his life. He wants to live the bachelor life, but come to you when he wants some lovin'. You are worth more than that and you know it.
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Old 13th August 2006, 8:36 PM   #4
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It's just really weird because 99% of the time, he's amazing. He's the greatest boyfriend I've ever had. He just randomly does weird stuff like that.

We went out of state a week ago. He was supposed to stay over the night before so we could get up early and go. He calls me at 7PM and says he's just going to meet me in the morning. So we go the next day and we don't get back until 11PM. I live in the city and he's about a 45 minute subway ride out of the city. But at that hour, it could take double the time. I assumed he'd stay over, but he went right home. Again, another random thing I find weird. I hadn't seen him all week so I thought surely he'd spend the night. Maybe I'm reading into it, but I found that weird.
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Old 13th August 2006, 8:47 PM   #5
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Hey,

Ahh breaking plans. When I was going wtih my ex g/f thats how we broke it off. I used to spend alot of time with her and to be honest, I started to feel that my ex g/f became clingy cause she called and always wanted to hang out. I realized or felt that my personal privacy was bieng invaded and needed some sort of independence.

After deeply analyzing my situation, i realized that I wanted independence from her and just did not want to be with her. I had to develop some huge courage to finally break up with because we were going out for 2 years.

Men become *******s after a while. We need some space but never reallize the care that you female put in your sincere thoughts to be with us. I am an ******* for doing what I did and I am pretty sure most men wont admit it, but its true.. we just get bored after a while.

I am not implying your b/f is bored because I do not know him, I am just giving you my situation which paralel's with yours.

I suggest you talk to him, but one thing with us men, We will say anything to shutup our g/f HAHAHA. He will say, he will try harder and change but I doubt it will last, as in most cases it dies after couple of months.

Just ask him bluntly "why don't you wanna hang out with me? If you want space let me know and stop wasting my time."
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Old 13th August 2006, 8:51 PM   #6
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Cool

Try not to make such a big deal about times and knowing things ahead of time, but I guess if it really bothers you just talk to him nicely about it.
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Old 13th August 2006, 8:51 PM   #7
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Another thing... I think you should stop making excuses for him.

I had a boyfriend who didn't act like he wanted to see me.
I only put up with it for a month.
I didn't wanna waste my time on him.
And I'm glad I didn't.
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Old 14th August 2006, 12:59 AM   #8
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For those that assume he's just disrespecting or taking you for granted, they are partially right.

The correct answer would be he's not into you, his actions speak loudly on how he views you on the priority list. Is it gonna get better? Nope, it won't and do what the girl above me did. Dump, cause he seems to be wasting your time and trust me he won't get better.
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Old 14th August 2006, 1:55 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IceIceBaby View Post
He has a habit of breaking plans or backing out at the last minute. Like today he was supposed to come over. I didn't hear from him until 3:30 and he tells me he just got up and doesn't think he's going to be heading into the city today. Or he'll tell me he's leaving to meet me at 2:00 and doesn't make it to my place until 6 or 7 at night. Or he'll tell me he's not feeling very well and is going to just hang out at his place. I only see him once or twice a week as it is, so when he breaks plans it's very dissapointing.
What happen to common courtesy? Does he expect you to sit around and hope he does show. Don't put your life on hold for him.
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Old 14th August 2006, 11:32 AM   #10
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If a female friend behaved like this what would you do?
You wouldn't let down someone you like, let alone someone you love. Like P1xie says, it's just bad manners!
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Old 14th August 2006, 12:06 PM   #11
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It's completely disrespectful to you. I've put up with it in the past myself, I sure as hell wouldn't do it again.

Living your life like that is crap. I remember only too well getting to the stage that you're so used to being let down, you just get on with whatever you want to do, and wait for the call or text to let you know they aren't coming after all. Every disappointment hurts as much as the last though doesn't it?

To be honest, the answer for me was that he just wasn't into me and wasn't bothered. Everything else came first for him. It does sound like there's an issue in your relationship. I'd speak to him, make it clear you deserve and expect more. If he can't give you that respect, I'd kick him to curb.
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Old 14th August 2006, 10:56 PM   #12
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I can see how you would find this rude. It's disrespectful of you to be so late. You do have a life after all, and there are other things you could be doing. Of course, **** like this happens every once in a while ... I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it unless it happens all the time.

Try telling him that your time is important to you, and you would like him to keep his plans with you so you can structure your time and do the things you need to get done.

The flip side of this coin is that you have to be gracious and not nag him if he can't make plans or commit. I've often made plans with nagging people only to back out at the last minute. It's a very passive aggresive thing to do. I feel bad about it, but as far as I'm concerned that's just something nagging people have to put up with ... I'm just not always in the mood to put on a big fight just to say "no".
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Old 20th August 2006, 9:47 PM   #13
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Unhappy samething happened to me

My boyfriend did the exact same thing to me 14 times within 8-9 months!!! ditched me & our plans without explanation, usually too drunk or with his boys, or when i got an explanation it wasn't a justifiable one, like he slept in. we fought allllll the time about it. i felt so hurt & unimportant to him. i only saw him once or twice a week as well when this was going on b/c i lived out of state. it hurt tremendously. we now live together so we dont have that fight anymore, but the lack of respect is there. that was the root of the problem and it never went away, it just changed a little. i do not get the same sort of affection as i give him. its effecting our relationship horribly.

we wanted to seek counseling, well i wanted to, so i did the research & gave him a list of 30 therapists to choose from and he agreed to go but he never followed through. now i don't have health insurance so we can't afford to go now. and our fights have only gotten worse. it hurts terribly how he broke promises. figure out why you're still with this guy & weigh out your options. personally i'm scared to actually face the fact that he & i are probably not meant for eachother because we've been friends for 5 years. i just do not feel he is on the same level of respect with me as i am with him. it all started out the way your story is. so be wearry it may get worse...or it may get better....but i know how hard it is to let go down the line. i've been with my bf for a year & a half & we share an apartment so it's very difficult.

we thought things will be fine once we saw eachother more often once we lived together. which is true, but the lack of respect is there he still occasionally lets me down. you guys need to nip this in the bud now or it'll just get so much more deeply rooted that it will be absolutly 1000x harder to end it the longer your relationship progresses. talk it out & find out what you can & can not tolerate & if he keeps letting you down, let him go. the sooner the better. as heartbreaking as it will be.
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Old 20th August 2006, 11:17 PM   #14
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Thanks for all of your responses. I appreciate it.

We actually did talk and he completely understood where I was coming from. Thankfully it doesn't happen that often, but I'm glad we spoke about it. I don't want to be dealing with that all the time. But luckily that's the only issue I've got. He's the most amazing, affectionate and caring guy I've ever been with. So I didn't want this to mess anything up. And thankfully it hasn't!
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Old 21st August 2006, 8:16 PM   #15
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i believe that he is not interested in you as a girlfriend. He is waiting for you to get fed up and dump him. He's not a Man to have the courage to break up with you. Maybe he doesnt want to be alone until he finds someone that he is interested in --he will be cheating on you beacuse you take his crap.
This happened to me- A boyfriend who loves you will want to be with you as much as you do too. He will sacrifice anything just to see you and take you out.

This guys is not even trying. Get rid of him!
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