BF taking care of his ex

[teabiscuit]

I am new here. I posted earlier but I dunno what happened to it.

Anyways, this is my story.

 

I have been with my bf for 6 mths. He broke up with his ex of 6 yrs, a year ago. They are quite close and he visits her a few times every month.

She had cancer before he left her. And now, she is getting seriously ill and has one or two more months to live.

 

My bf has started going to her place to take care of her and is spending more and more time with her. He tells me that he is very worried about her and he often cries and says he feels very sad. He now spends most of his time finding ways to make her better. He has started going to church more often and is organising a prayer session for her. He is also planning a fundraiser to raise money for her treatments. He is spending his income on her hospitalisation and treatments. He says he cares for her and denies he has any feelings for her. He tells me that he will do whatever it takes and all his power to try to not let her die. He researches on the net and is asking all his friends and spending time looking for doctors and medication that might help her.

 

He looks desperate to save her. He says he is doing this for her cos she is a good friend and he is wants to save another human being. But his grandmother has also cancer and I dont see him putting any effort or doing anything to help her.

 

I feel he has very strong feelings for her and that he loves her very deeply although he constantly says he doesnt love her. My friends say that he left her probably because he couldnt deal with her being sick. should I leave now b4 I get hurt ? Or should I stay on ?

[Walk]

Maybe he is acting out of guilt, and not really out of deep love? Could be he feels guilty for abandoning her before. maybe he didn't think she was that sick, or she wouldn't really die... and now he feels really guilty that he dumped her and abandoned her. Maybe he feels that if he goes above and beyond for her, that he'll some how be able to get ride of all that guilt he's feeling.

[Chinook]

If he left his girlfriend whilst she had cancer, all the effort he is expending now could simply be guilt. He may not have any feelings for her left but he also left her at a critically traumatic time in her life. Repairing that damage before she dies says this is more about him than it is about her. I can't advise you any further than that because any further advice I offered would be entirely biased because similar experiences are too close to me for me to be objective.

[norajane]

Maybe he is acting out of guilt, and not really out of deep love? Could be he feels guilty for abandoning her before. maybe he didn't think she was that sick, or she wouldn't really die... and now he feels really guilty that he dumped her and abandoned her. Maybe he feels that if he goes above and beyond for her, that he'll some how be able to get ride of all that guilt he's feeling.

 

I agree with this - that's exactly what I was thinking as I read your post teabiscuit. A 6 year relationship normally takes a while to get over. Even if you've done nothing wrong, you still end up feeling some guilt over fights, misunderstandings, arguments, and just plain old making someone hurt. In this case, with her terminal illness, I'll bet the guilt is just eating him up inside.

 

As to whether you should leave or no, I'd go by what kind of man he is to you, and how he treats you. Aside from his current preoccupation with helping his ex during this stage of her illness, is he good to you?

[teabiscuit]

I did ask him whether he was doing this out of guilt. He told that he is not doing it out of guilt because they parted in good terms. She had dated a few other guys after him. He says he is doing this just to help out a friend.

 

He treats me quite good. Apart that he told me that I have to accept that he will always have this ex in his life. He doesnt keep in contact with other of his other ex-es. Just her. I asked him why her. He says that she is special and if she didnt have cancer, he would still be good friends with her because she is great person. They broke up because he found the relationship too intense. He wants a calm relationship and he set some conditions b4 I got together with him. And one of it was never to argue with him. And not to him him problems. I am confused. Does he loves her ?

[norajane]

He might love her, but I don't think he's in love, or at least, HE doesn't think he's in love or he'd be with her. I still think guilt is a driving force here; he might not acknowledge or recognize it, though.

 

The part about not arguing and not [causing] him problems? or not [going] to him with your problems?...that sounds a little messed up. Maybe he means something like not screaming in anger during a disagreement (not arguing), and not creating problems where one doesn't exist by too much jealousy or picking at him about stupid stuff (not causing problems)?

[teabiscuit]

Well, he said if I wanted to be with him, I have to let him do whatever he wanted. And that I would have to agree with him in most things. And that, if he gets angry, I was suppose to compromise with him.

[Chinook]

Teabiscuit, I'm going to be brutal with you. I have been the person who was abandoned during a serious illness. If he is with you he is not with her irrespective of what he feels or thinks. He is making a conscious choice to be where he is because he wants to be there, not because he is forced to stay because of any obligation towards you. If he loved this girl, and not you... he would go to her without question, especially if she is dying now.

 

I don't care what he tells you. The driving force behind his actions is guilt. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. I cannot go into further detail because this is way too close to me already and it's quite painful for me.

[teabiscuit]

And yea, he also said if I had any problems, i would have to settle them myself than go to him.

[KittenMoon]

Wow.

 

This girl is dying. ANd he cares about her. Even with their past, there's a strong chance he doesn't love her, at least not in a romantic sense. What he is is confronted with the fact that this is a person he cares about who in a few months he will never ever see again. This sounds like he's dealing with a lot of natural human compassion for someone who was an important part of his life. Is it guilt? I am sure it is on some level- maybe a survivor's guilt.

 

I think he needs your support right now as much as his ex needs his support.

[allina]

I may be alone on this one here but I don't think it's just guilt, sure that may be part of it but I think it goes much deeper than that. Being with someone for 6 years builds a pretty solid connection, and I think that now that he is really loosing her he may be questioning if he in fact is in love with her and if he did the right thing by leaving. I know it must be very difficult for him to see her so ill but telling you that if it's a problem for you you have to just deal isn't something a bf that is in love with you would do.

[teabiscuit]

Allina, my gut feelings agrees with you. He told me if I cannot handle the fact he wants to save her, I can leave. It just means, I have to accept whatever decision he makes. Its either his way or the highway, basically.

[Chinook]

Allina, my gut feelings agrees with you. He told me if I cannot handle the fact he wants to save her, I can leave. It just means, I have to accept whatever decision he makes. Its either his way or the highway, basically.

 

If this is your gut reaction and you don't believe what he's told you, why are you settling for being second best...?

 

Of course it could also be guilt in that, he is in love with her but he isn't going to end it with you because he feels so badly affected by having abandoned one person already.... so he's simply not going to do that again. Consequently what you have is a situation where no one is telling the truth and everyone is lying.

 

So he's making the situation as difficult as he can do for you, in a bid for you to dump him! That way he gets to be both the wounded soldier and the romantic saviour...

 

Either way... there's no sense in any of what is happening because the fact just came from your own post, you don't believe him despite his being 100% up front and telling you what he's doing. Not really a basis for forming a relationship.

 

Sorry if this is harsh but like I said, this is fairly close to me and I feel that if he wanted to be with her, given she has WEEKS left... he would do so. There is only one loser in this scenario and it's her.

[tanbark813]

He probably does have feelings for her but if she'll be dead in two months then what does it matter?

[Chinook]

He probably does have feelings for her but if she'll be dead in two months then what does it matter?

 

Precisely.

[ladyinwaiting]

My friends say that he left her probably because he couldnt deal with her being sick. should I leave now b4 I get hurt ? Or should I stay on ?

 

He is probably feeling guilty, and he may still have feelings for her. But, darlin', he's with you.

 

I do know how you feel. My partner left his previous girlfriend after she developed a severe mental illness that he just couldn't handle. He doesn't regret his decision at all, but he still feels terribly about it. He also undoubtedly still cares for her. For example, one month when she just took off and ended up in the hundreds of miles from home with you memory of how she got there and little sense of where she was, he went and got her, damn the expense. He visits her, makes sure she has food, etc. He occasionally escorts her to events. At first, I wondered and was jealous, but I was also impressed. Here's a fellow that genuinely cares about a chick he does not want to have sex with! If he wasn't the kind of guy who cared passionately for the people around him, he wouldn't be the guy I love.

 

As long as your boyfriend is upfront and honest with you about his motivations and intentions, then I don't think this is a huge problem. It might actually be a positive, as far as his character goes. If he's lying, that's another thing. My suggestion is to do what lots of other people suggest, and talk to him. But demanding that he choose between you and a dying friend (and whether she was once his girlfriend or nor, she is certainly now his friend), is not a good idea.

[allina]

He is probably feeling guilty, and he may still have feelings for her. But, darlin', he's with you.

 

 

But it's not his guilt that is the problem. Yes, technically he is with her but he is telling her that he doesn't care about her feelings and that she can get to walking if she has a problem with what he does. That's an awful thing to say.

[teabiscuit]

He just talked to me and he says he is gonna stay over at her place and wont be able to see me for about a week. He says he's gonna do no matter what to save her, if he can at all.

 

I asked him b4 why did he leave her, and he replied that they were incompatible. They couldnt see eye to eye and both of them didnt want to compromise. And he just doesnt want anymore relationship problems. He wants an easy and simple relationship without any arguements, ever. And he doesnt want to work for a relationship.

 

All this is happening within a week and its happening so fast. I cant think straight but I dont want to risk losing him. I will just have to see how it goes.

[Leena]

Seems to be like he does have feelings for her and with thought of losing her, he is getting desperate. And it seems that he is still in love with her, but is in denial and he is using you as an excuse for holding him back.

 

A person in love with you would want to do anything to be with you, even it means working for that love. He just doesnt want to argue, and might choose to be with you just because you dont give him problems but it doesnt mean he is in love with you.

[Walk]

Teabiscuit,

 

I know you don't want to lose him, but seems as if you're setting yourself up for a miserable, effort filled existence of always saying "yes dear".

 

My suggestion.. Tell him that you admire his dedication to his friend, and that you believe that attempting two relationships at once may be too difficult for the current situaiton. Then suggest that he take this time to focus on his ex and the two of you will take an extended break. And if he would choose to be with you after he feels his ex no longer needs his full time support, then he can contact you.

 

Then take that time and really think about what you would be getting out of being in a relationship with him. Was he always like this? Prior to his learning about how badly his ex was doing? Did he always tell you not to argue with him or cause him problems? Or is this recent?

 

If it's always been this way... I'm not so sure you'd enjoy life with a person who won't listen to your concerns, complaints or problems. WHo would rather tell you to hit the road then fight to keep you. And who refuses to put in any effort to keep the relationship going. That's what I'm understanding from what you are saying. That even if this woman wasn't dying, then he would still be telling you to go along with everything he says, and refuse to put effort into helping you with any of your own problems. Is that correct?

 

If so, Please leave him. No man is worth sacrificing our own thoughts and feelings to such a degree.

[teabiscuit]

Not arguing and not giving him problems was one of the conditions he set if I wanted to be with him. He says he prefers this relationship than the one with his ex cos its less complicated and less problems.

 

My concern with him is that what will happened if we hit a problems in our relationship ?

 

He said that at this point, he cant put as much time and efffort on us cos he wants to concentrate on his ex. Although, I admire his compassion, I feel I will be losing one.

[Brittjean06]

Did anyone read that um she is passing away in 2 months? Don't you think that meens anything. Being in love with her or not I think anyone in their right minds who have been with someone majority in their life would do anything to make this person happy. So if he didn't have feelings for her you don't think he would be doing this or trying to help her out as much? I don't think so they could just be very good friends too..

[john2776]

I have to accept whatever decision he makes. Its either his way or the highway, basically.

Forget about the ex for a moment - whats this all about having to agree with him on everything?? If that is the underlying foundation in your relationship, you are going to have big problems.

[Craig]

Wow. What a situation. A few posters have suggested guilt is his motivation but I don't know about that and as a counter suggestion for a motivation give you this. It could be that your bf and his ex did love each other, they may in fact still love each other but that doesn't mean that there are grounds for a continuing romantic relationship.

 

In my experience it is very possible to love someone deeply but not desire a romantic relationship with them because of fundamental incompatibilities. Incompatibilities that one or both of them understand, acknowledge openly and have acted upon by splitting up.

 

Regarding his expending so much effort in what appears to be a temporary and losing battle against her cancer--maybe he is just that kind of person. Maybe he is just the kind of person that can set aside personal differences, if they exist, and wants to focus his efforts on assisting an emotionally closer human through what must be a difficult time.

 

Or maybe she was there for him at some low point in his life (that he hasn't told you about) and sees this as something natural for him to do.

 

There are people that won't abandon their SO or even their ex, who will battle, fight, claw, scrape, beg and plead for help and if it comes to it will be the last one there beside them when their time comes.

[Butterflying]

I don't think you should feel threatened by the XGF because after all, she will be dead in a few months. Just be patient.

 

On the other hand, what he's feeling for her may not subside, even after she dies. In fact, it may get worse. I have a major problem with the fact that he's not being sensentive to your needs in the relationship. It's great that he's caring and compasionate about a dying person. But if he's so great, he should still care for a living person, too.

 

Dying or not, him spending the night with another woman would be a NO NO for me. If I were in your position, I would respectfully take a break from the relationship. Just let him know how difficult this is for you. Not that you don't trust him, or that he's a bad person. Just that you've never delt with anything like this before and it's very unhealthy for you.

 

Right now, he's more commited to her than he is to you. Since you've only been dating six months, it should be okay for you to be friends with him until the XGF dies, or until his capable of having a more stable relationship with you.