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Is it important to get married?


timidity99

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What is the common reason that people date? Is it because they are looking for a marriage partner? Is that the general rule? Is it necessary for me to be willing to get married if I'm going to date? Or do I have no business in the dating scene if I'm never willing to take the relationship to the level of marriage?

 

I ask these questions because I have no desire to live with anybody or get married or have children. I date because I don't want to be alone. Is it the general rule that women will expect a marriage proposal from me at some point in the relationship? I like dating exclusively and I'm perfectly happy doing it for years on end. I don't want to be alone but I also like my personal space. I only want to spend time with her on the weekends. In my late teens and early twenties I wanted to get married and therefore be with a woman 24/7 but I have since outgrown that desire.

 

I am honest with women up front from the very beginning about what my intentions are. The only problem with my ex is that she changed her mind 3 years later and wanted to marry me. That really shocked me. When I turned her down she let me go the next day and then just recently she re-initiated contact with me and wants to work things out. I told her to give me 2 weeks to think about it and to not contact me at all during that time.

 

At this point I've decided that I don't want to resume the relationship because I already know that her heart was set on marriage and I think she's just settling for less because the break up has been uncomfortable for her.

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Well, idealy you'd marry because you understand and are willing to commit to unconditional love and understand the need for selflessness in the equation. These days however, people tend to marry out of comfort and social ideals/norms.

 

Whichever works for you, just remember that a potential marriage partner is someone with whom you will have to put up with many good and most likely even more bad times.

 

For a woman, it represents your willingness to do the above which in turn provides her with security. Security, generally, is a NEED in the female psyche.

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blind_otter

I think it's fine as long as you are up front about it from the beginning. If they change their mind, that's cool, but you have to be willing to set them free in order to find someone who would be willing to marry them. IMO if you don't agree on marriage then you just have fundamentally different values and that's OK.

 

I don't plan on getting married again (I did it once). I like living with people, though, so I wouldn't mind living with someone. I just don't want to get married.

 

But I think sometimes people agree with you when you say that because they think you'll change your mind, or that they can change your mind. I've experienced this a lot. They go into the relationship agreeing with my idea of no marriage, and then 6 months later they're bitching at me about how I'm crazy because I don't want marriage. Great. Then you really know you based your relationship on a lie.

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I like dating exclusively and I'm perfectly happy doing it for years on end. I don't want to be alone but I also like my personal space. I only want to spend time with her on the weekends. In my late teens and early twenties I wanted to get married and therefore be with a woman 24/7 but I have since outgrown that desire.

 

I don't know you, so my judgement is fairly shallow. I don't know how old you are, where you stand in your life, or what your personal goals are. That being said, I find this approach fairly selfish, although, I'm sure if you look deep down inside to find yourself to define your internal values, in turn redefining your goals. This will most likely inspire personal growth further and get back on track, or off the track of doubt.

 

Please don't get me wrong. I know a good handful of people who feel exactly like you do, I don't understand them, but they exist. I don't feel you are wrong, I just can't wrap my mind around the idea of not wanting to make someone else as happy as they do me. Then again, as the above poster states, there is someone out there who feels like you do as well, and you are right to let this one go...for her sake.

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What is the common reason that people date? Is it because they are looking for a marriage partner? Is that the general rule? Is it necessary for me to be willing to get married if I'm going to date? Or do I have no business in the dating scene if I'm never willing to take the relationship to the level of marriage?

 

I think as long as you are blunt and consistent with your message that you will NEVER marry. Not even after years of dating someone. You let the other person know this within the first few dates, or a week depending on frequency of dates... optimally prior to them becoming attached emotionally.

 

Otherwise you're agreeing to society standards by omitting your differing view on marriage. Especially if you wait until they're hooked, and then informing them. That's like adding fine print to the contract after it's been signed. Not fair.

 

If you're up front, no ambiguity, and done early, then by all means, date away. Have fun and don't feel guilty if the other person believed they could change you knowing your true feelings on it.

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But I think sometimes people agree with you when you say that because they think you'll change your mind, or that they can change your mind. I've experienced this a lot. They go into the relationship agreeing with my idea of no marriage, and then 6 months later they're bitching at me about how I'm crazy because I don't want marriage. Great. Then you really know you based your relationship on a lie.

 

 

I think it's more about them just liking you in the beginning and feelign they can make sacrifices, as expected in a relationship. The problem arises because, as I stated above, security is a NEED for many women, and marriage is symbolic of that security.

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blind_otter
I think it's more about them just liking you in the beginning and feelign they can make sacrifices, as expected in a relationship. The problem arises because, as I stated above, security is a NEED for many women, and marriage is symbolic of that security.

 

For many women. Not all.

 

And I am a woman, I have encountered the same problem with men I've dated.

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For many women. Not all.

 

And I am a woman, I have encountered the same problem with men I've dated.

 

Well I did say in generaly for that reason, nertheless;

 

True and very true :)

 

All I'm saying is that it isn't about it being a lie, it's about willingness to sacrifice and capability of overcoming psychological needs. Basically, if you are completely intent on not ever getting married, you need to find people who have been trhough similar things, feel the same way about those things. This will only minimize your risk though, people grow, and hence change their opinions on such matters throughout their lifetime.

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If you are honest about your intentions, then the gal you are dating can decide whether or not she can live with your expectations...

 

I was married for 20 years and don't intend to marry again... I also don't expect to have more children though. If I intended to have more kids - then I would marry.

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I think the problem comes in after the 2 or 3 year mark though. Most people are fine dating for a couple years... I don't know if its society putting pressure on woman, or too much tv, or family, or what, but it seems like most people get in the mindset that after a certain period of time if you don't get married then one or the other doesn't really love you.

 

Unless you've been married before... then I think you're mindset changes...

 

So maybe he should just date divorcee's?

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basscatcher
I think the problem comes in after the 2 or 3 year mark though. Most people are fine dating for a couple years... I don't know if its society putting pressure on woman, or too much tv, or family, or what, but it seems like most people get in the mindset that after a certain period of time if you don't get married then one or the other doesn't really love you.

 

Unless you've been married before... then I think you're mindset changes...

 

So maybe he should just date divorcee's?

 

I'm a divorcee' and I want to marry again someday. I won't marry fast though... I am much more cautious because I don't live in the fairy tale Cinderella world anymore.. I am cautious.

 

I want to marry because I want the commitment.. I want the security..

I want a partner... I want a helper.... I want him to be a friend as well...

 

Marriage is for security, partnership, and a vow to rebuke all others--You are Committed to one another forsaking all others.. (at least that is how it is suppose to be....)

 

I am pretty much ruined for more children to my knowledge but as for being committed and being a partner for life I am stronger, smarter, wiser, and more mature then I was to do it again. The next time I plan to do it the right way.... AND not make my mistake over again!!

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Marriage or living together doesn't further validate a relationship for me. I've always been upfront about not wanting to get married or live together and my bf is fine with that. Some people might see it as a strange arrangement or think I'm not the typical female (whatever that is), but it works for us.

 

I don't see anything wrong with dating people as long you're honest early on about not wanting to get married, regardless of how committed you might become to someone. In that way, you give the other person the opportunity to make a decision whether or not to keep pursuing a relationship with you. You may still have to weed out people who think they can change your mind, but I figure most people have dated someone who tried to change them in one way or another.

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blind_otter
I think the problem comes in after the 2 or 3 year mark though. Most people are fine dating for a couple years... I don't know if its society putting pressure on woman, or too much tv, or family, or what, but it seems like most people get in the mindset that after a certain period of time if you don't get married then one or the other doesn't really love you.

 

Unless you've been married before... then I think you're mindset changes...

 

So maybe he should just date divorcee's?

 

Yeah I must again agree with the sagacious walk.

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I think it's true that alot of women think they can change a man's mind and heart. Well I'm a very strong willed and stubborn man so once I decide I'm going to do something I'm pretty much set in my ways and no woman can sway me differently. If anything the more time I spend with women who try to change me the more resistant I become.

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I guess I can forget about a relationship lasting longer than 3-4 years since it's usually around that time when women turn up the heat for a marriage proposal or a moving in together proposal. I don't know.

 

I think another reason I don't want to ever live with a woman or marry her is because the relationship will no longer be a challenge. What is challenging about her if I get to see her all the time? What is there to miss?

 

It's impossible to miss someone if they are always present. I would be suffocated. I would rather miss my significant other than to be suffocated by her.

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Ha ha ha... My bf used to tell me that his ex's weren't a "challenge", and he'd get bored and leave them.

 

Now he says he wishes I weren't such a "challenge" and he wishes he could figure me out easier.

 

Find a better suited woman, and you probably won't have to worry about suffocation, or being bored with her. Look for someone who's independent in spirit and who can think for herself. Then it won't matter if you don't want to marry, because she won't either. And you won't feel suffocated, because she'll have her own life too.

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