csfong007 Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 My boyfriend of over a year rarely gives me verbal compliments. Yesterday, for a July 4th BBQ, I wore a sexy new dress and he didn't say one word. My other friends noticed however. Yet, knowing that there would only be beer, wine, water, and soft drinks at the BBQ, he specifically brought all of my favorite juices for me since he knows I can't have soft drinks. I thought this was very thoughtful. How would you feel if you were me? Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 Well he was thoughtful and considerate towards you. Some guys just don't notice things or simply do not think it is important to tell you (validate to you) that you are attractive or for that matter smart even. If it bothers you tell him....... but take the responsibility for your feelings when you tell him. In other words don't tell him he is bad for the lack of verbal compliments but tell him that you would appreciate it if he could give you verbal compliments. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 He's trying to show his appreciation through action. It's probably just me, but my past has led me to very often say to any partner or potential LTR that "words are cheap". Because they are. Abusive men will shower you with compliments because they don't actually DO things to make you feel good. I think it's a good thing, otherwise I think the dude is tricksy. If you really have a problem with it, talk to him about it....but that will most likely result in those awkward compliments that he gives because he thinks he is supposed to, whereas the actions are quite genuine... I'm just saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 How would we feel about him not complimenting you or about the juice? Any time I'm wearing something sexy I don't always wait for a compliment I just ask SO if he thinks I look sexy. After dating for a year I think sometimes people expect you to read their minds. I'm sure he thought you were smokin'!! When SO and I first I got together, every day he would look me in the eye and say "You're beautiful baby" It made me feel sooooo good!! He would tell me that at least 5 or more times a day. Now he does't say it as often, but he still does compliment me and tell me I'm beautiful. I don't feel less attractive because of it, but you can't expect things to stay the same forever. It sounds to me like over all he makes you feel sexy. I wouldn't let it get to ya. The only time I'd be concerned is if he stopped complimenting you altogether. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 The world would be so much nicer if the people around us did this or that or said this or that. But reality is reality. Why do we always want more from people than they give us? If you cannot accept your boyfriend for exactly what he is and is not, exactly what he says or doesn't say and exactly what he does or does not and you are unable to bring yourself to compromise on unacceptable aspects...move on. Some people are auditory and communicate best through spoken word. Others are kinesthetic and communicate by action. You are auditory...he is kinesthetic. Accept that. You will not find a perfect man on this planet. My recommendation is that you learn not to upset yourself when people don't behave as you would have them behave. It just doesn't happen that way. Yes, it would be nice though. Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 When I was dating Charlie for 6-7 months he never once commented on how I looked. I had to ask him. He showed up Saturday night where the girls and I were and I was dressed to the NINE.... We went to check out a new club that has a higher dress code so I put on some knit black capris that were form fitting and a pair of black 3 inch sling backs and I had bought a new black sheer lace very low cut halter with huge ring in the center of the breasts, a pair of big hoop gold earrings, a 3 cord black necklace with huge gold circular pendant on it.. I put on a little extra makeup to accent my facial features and he didn't even seem to notice until I showed off my new shirt to him. My gfs couldn't believe it. They noticed right away and I got lots of looks in the short time we were in the new club before moving on... Some people just aren't thoughtful in the sense of another persons security but do look out for their well being. Sorry I need both from a partner. If I look good and above average from what is normal of me then say something. Never forget to be thoughtful of my care either please. That is one of the reasons I was so miserable dating him... I felt so ignored by him and like he didn't notice anything about me. I beleive we all need to be noticed and recognized by our significant other at least some of the time preferrable most... Link to post Share on other sites
MrsHellFire Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 Why do women feel like they need constant validation in a relationship?? I mean does it stem from insecurity? I'm a woman, but I've never felt that way and it seems most women do. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 Why do women feel like they need constant validation in a relationship?? I mean does it stem from insecurity? I'm a woman, but I've never felt that way and it seems most women do. I don't think all women who would like a nice compliment every now and then are insecure. I think if a women needs constant attention and reasurance of her beauty from a man, she shows signs of insecurity. I think in this case the OP bought something new and sexy and just wanted to know that her man thought she looked hott. I don't see insecurity in that at all. Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 Why do women feel like they need constant validation in a relationship?? I mean does it stem from insecurity? I'm a woman, but I've never felt that way and it seems most women do. There is always validation in every relationship whether its with a friend, SO, family and even in business. In regards to relationship. If a man can't give me compliments, look me in the eyes when talking, look at me in general, hug me, touch me, put his hand on my back, hold my hand etc to some degree of affirmation then how the heck am I suppose to know if he is attracted to me, wants to be with me and likes me FOR ME instead of just using me so he doesn't have to be alone.. We are human, We are designed for validation, confirmation,and visa-a-versa. This doesn't mean we are insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
MrsHellFire Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 Sure, but actions speak louder than words. Women who need constant affirmation about their beauty always are insecure in my book. Beauty shouldn't be the sole reason he's with you anyways, unless it is a shallow relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 There is always validation in every relationship whether its with a friend, SO, family and even in business. In regards to relationship. If a man can't give me compliments, look me in the eyes when talking, look at me in general, hug me, touch me, put his hand on my back, hold my hand etc to some degree of affirmation then how the heck am I suppose to know if he is attracted to me, wants to be with me and likes me FOR ME instead of just using me so he doesn't have to be alone.. We are human, We are designed for validation, confirmation,and visa-a-versa. This doesn't mean we are insecure. Agree with you Pada and TA. Hell I know I am hot but I want to know that my H knows I am hot too! Do you know what I mean? Really in business it is great to get the occassional validation..... and hint hint peeps...... if you hand it out more often you will most likely get more out of your relationships personal and business alike. Link to post Share on other sites
MrsHellFire Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 If you both KNOW you are beautiful, I don't understand why you need to hear it all the time to feel good about yourself unless you were insecure and doubted it. You can't base confidence and assurance on someone ELSE'S opinion of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 Sure, but actions speak louder than words. Women who need constant affirmation about their beauty always are insecure in my book. Beauty shouldn't be the sole reason he's with you anyways, unless it is a shallow relationship. It is not always about beauty but also about accomplishments. Wow honey you are something, you handled that so well. or Wow the room you repainted looks awesome..... your great. Wow baby this dinner is super....... or hey your butt is smokin. All nice things that say..... you are special to me in so many words. I have said very similar things to my H on a daily basis. Why not let him know I think he is smart, hot, or has done an awesome job. Of course some people don't handle compliments well at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 Sure, but actions speak louder than words. Women who need constant affirmation about their beauty always are insecure in my book. Beauty shouldn't be the sole reason he's with you anyways, unless it is a shallow relationship. MHF, are you speaking about women in general or about the OP, because I did not get that impression from her at all. I agree, actions do speak louder than words, but does that mean I never want to hear it? Heeeeeeck na!!! Link to post Share on other sites
MrsHellFire Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 Well I differ... I think she really overreacted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author csfong007 Posted July 5, 2006 Author Share Posted July 5, 2006 There are some people who did not grow up normally. My father often told me what an ugly puss (face) I had. My sister always told me she was the prettier of the two daughters. When you are young you believe what people tell you. I believe this is why I have an inferiority complex. I know I'm not ugly because people often tell me I'm beautiful. But when you grow up thinking you're ugly it's difficult to think otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Vertex Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 People aren't mindreaders. Just ask what he thinks and if he responds with a compliment, show that you like it when he does so. Positive reinforcement, you know Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 If you both KNOW you are beautiful, I don't understand why you need to hear it all the time to feel good about yourself unless you were insecure and doubted it. You can't base confidence and assurance on someone ELSE'S opinion of yourself. It may validate some to hear that but I like to hear a compliment to know that my SO is pleased with me or my actions, more so if I have done something special for him, including getting very dressed up or wearing something he may like...... it is not about me, but him letting me know that he is pleased. It is nice to know that your effort is acknowledged. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 People aren't mindreaders. Just ask what he thinks and if he responds with a compliment, show that you like it when he does so. Positive reinforcement, you know compliments are best used infrequently and only when you really mean it. never giving compliments is just as bad as giving them too often. Link to post Share on other sites
MrsHellFire Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 She made a point to talk about how everyone else noticed her at the party though. She's too concerned over how other people "notice" and "view" her. Sounds like an attention nut who needs constant words from others to feel good about herself. Sorry, but that should come from inside. I mean, you see these women all the time. The jealous insecure type. I just think it's ridiculous to think every time you dress up that you should be getting compliments.. chances are men are just going to lie anyways just because they are so used to massaging your ego and that's what you demand (or you get made if they dont like most women). Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 If you both KNOW you are beautiful, I don't understand why you need to hear it all the time to feel good about yourself unless you were insecure and doubted it. You can't base confidence and assurance on someone ELSE'S opinion of yourself. Its not about being insecure or doubt about ones self. Its the insecurity and doubt about the other person genuiness. There are to many users and liars in this world. You got to prove yourself. Tell me how you feel about me Show me how you feel about me Tell me what you think of me. Show me what you think of me. I don't need to tell or show myself what I think or feel about myself.... Relationships are about giving and receiving. If you don't need to recieve and you don't need to give then stay out of relaitonships.. Because that is what they are about.. PERIOD.. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 There are some people who did not grow up normally. My father often told me what an ugly puss (face) I had. My sister always told me she was the prettier of the two daughters. When you are young you believe what people tell you. I believe this is why I have an inferiority complex. I know I'm not ugly because people often tell me I'm beautiful. But when you grow up thinking you're ugly it's difficult to think otherwise. Well hunny, it sounds to me like he does compliment you often just failed to on this particular day, am I correct? The fact that he took you out with him and the fact that he is with you should show you how attracted he is to you. Don't ever let anyone, ANYONE tell you that you are ugly or not attractive!! Some people, and for the heck of me I don't know why, must put others down to make themselves feel good. It is insecurity for them in the worst way!! Be the bigger person and tell yourself it doesn't matter what people have said to hurt you, you know your beautiful and that is all that matters!! Link to post Share on other sites
MrsHellFire Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 "There are to many users and liars in this world. You got to prove yourself. " I'm sorry but the greatest liars in the world are also the best ego massagers and know just how to flatter a woman to make them puddy in their hands. Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 If you both KNOW you are beautiful, I don't understand why you need to hear it all the time to feel good about yourself unless you were insecure and doubted it. You can't base confidence and assurance on someone ELSE'S opinion of yourself. Relationships are about giving and recieving. If you don't need to give or recieve then stay out of relationships. Because that is what relationships are all about. PERIOD. Which entails compliments. I don't feel she was over reacting in her post. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 She made a point to talk about how everyone else noticed her at the party though. She's too concerned over how other people "notice" and "view" her. Sounds like an attention nut who needs constant words from others to feel good about herself. Sorry, but that should come from inside. I mean, you see these women all the time. The jealous insecure type. I just think it's ridiculous to think every time you dress up that you should be getting compliments.. chances are men are just going to lie anyways just because they are so used to massaging your ego and that's what you demand (or you get made if they dont like most women). Um... ok now who is overreacting? Link to post Share on other sites
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